Managing Intimacy with an Ostomy - Tips and Tricks for Privacy

Intimacy is always a difficult area for us ostomates. Here is how I handle it. Sometimes without my partner knowing that I have an ostomy. Number one. I bought one of those stretch weight or weight loss belts that Velcro together. Number two, I asked my doctor to write me a prescription for an antidiarrheal medicine. Get lots depending on anticipated sexual activity. For each 3-hour time that I want your stoma to be quiet, I take 5 pills. I start 6 hours BEFORE my date (5 pills, then three hours later 5 pills) to let the pills go into effect. Every three hours thereafter, take 5 more pills until my date is over. Everybody is different, so try, try again before... The weight belt covers my folded bag. I've had dates, short term, where my partner did not know that I had an ostomy. I just said that I had an operation on my intestines and had to take some pills regularly because of that and can you help me remember to take them? I also use this technique when traveling long distances without known facilities. Also for plane rides, weddings, funerals, (graveside can be a bitch) and special occasions. Note. The temporary stoppage may last longer than the hours you take the pills. (Maybe a day or so). To jump-start my system the next day, I take a mild, small amount of a laxative. Not necessarily a needed part of your routine. Caveat, each person's digestive tract is unique, so experiment with the number of pills YOU will need, not me, to quiet your stoma. If ANY of this helps you, please let me know.

Your doctor has specifically approved this procedure?  Just curious.

My doctor didn't recommend that. I find honesty and openness is best... but then again, I haven't had intimacy in years. I say... I'm owning who and how I am, like it or take a hike. Maybe having a partner won't be in my future with this attitude, but shit happens to everyone.

At my age, memories of sex are like memories of my first girlfriend:  I recall what her name is, but not what she looked like.  As for Fred's suggested pre-sex regimen, I'm still not convinced he's not putting us on.

Funny... I remember his first name and face and moment. We're still good friends. He's now divorced and we laugh about us starting a relationship again after 45 years! As a forward-speaking lady, I told him that I did join this group as he had joined some dating sites. He replied... well, at least you don't fart!!! nbsp
I can't see any doctor suggesting to take stop-up pills and hide the new you. I'm waiting for the day when I may swell and a store clerk thinks I'm stealing something under my shirt! I must add... it's really great being able to talk to people on here. It really makes me regret not jumping into activities this past year. Thank you for being a friend on here nbsp

My Ostomy Journey: Jearlean | Hollister

Each to their own if it works for you and makes you feel good and confident, good for you.

If I meet a woman and she had a wrap or something kept around her stomach all the time, even if I didn't have an ostomy myself, I would think something strange is going on, hiding something from me... From a male point of view, I want to unwrap, kiss, caress, and so much more to every part of a woman's body! I can't say from a female point of view if they feel the same way about a male body.

I've never been one for one-night stands myself.

Never hidden my ostomy from anyone and it's never been an issue with any partner, and having an ostomy for over 30 years, there have been a few along the way, lol.

Ritz:  Re the suspicious store clerk:  see my 6/7 post Ostomy Memories Redux.

Not that I have experience with my bag and sex, but I agree as far as hiding it. How could you hide anything, especially if you want a relationship to go to a higher level of intimacy, even if it was a one-night stand (not my thing though). Just own it... live with it... it's the new you. That's how I feel, but let's see if it ever works out for me... time will tell. In my head and heart, that's how I feel.... but then again, I've been sheltered in all these months with not many to talk to. nbsp

Good morning, all.

Yes, to each their own.    

As a serial monogamist, I don't do one-night stands, either, and have no experience (yet!) in dating with my ileostomy.

I agree with Ritz:   honesty is the best policy well before the intimacy - and let the chips fall where they may.  

As for the regimen of pills pre- amp; post-"date"?   It's not something I'm willing to try;   I can't see how that would be healthy for my body.   Jus' sayin'...

Lily17

I have tried a totally different strategy, one that does not involve medications at all. I explained it on these pages once, but I think those tongue-in-cheek remarks were met with a great deal of skepticism. I will try anything once, so let me see if those pills are available here. Hopefully, they won't be the last pills I take. Honesty is really the best policy, but a little guile could be overlooked here, after all, everything is fair in love and war they say. If Lamictal quiets the storm, then it's good not just for those stormy encounters but could be handy in some other situations as well. Best wishes.

Some very interesting perspectives here. When I first read Fred's post, I thought "Oh my God, what a lot of trouble to go to in order to have sex!" The way I see it is there is sex and there is intimacy. Sometimes they come together and sometimes they don't. When I was younger, sex was more important than intimacy, and now the opposite is true. For someone out there playing the field and not looking for something long term, I guess I can see going to such lengths. Still, I agree that honesty is the best policy, and I also think that the stress of trying to hide your ostomy and worry of it somehow being discovered would not make for a very relaxed sexual encounter. Stress and sex don't go so well together.

Terry

Thanks, Nurse with an Ostomy and Knowledge. Lomotil and Lamictal are two entirely different birds. Whew! Thank God I didn't take those pills!

Lamictal is an anti-convulsant (I've taken it in the past for my epilepsy). I think (and hope) you mean Lomotil.

Lamictal is for epileptic seizure control. What does that have to do with slowing intestinal output?

My bad, I didn't have the bottle in my hand when writing note.

Actual med is loperamide which is generic for Imodium.

Hi, Fred!

I wondered about that...! When I had ulcerative colitis, loperamide hydrochloride (Imodium A-D) was my go-to - especially as the disease progressed - just to function.

Thank you for the correction. :)

Lily17

I've talked this over with my Dr., whom I see every 3 mo., and he sees no problem as long as I experience no ill effects.   Thanks for asking.   Fred

I agree for the most part. In my case, I'm not looking for a mate but a partner for sexual enjoyment on a regular basis, which is what I'm lucky enough to have. At first, there was no discussion about "weight belt" and as time went on and was asked, I said "A wound that doesn't heal" sorta true. Then, as time went by and we became friends as well, I felt comfortable sharing the knowledge of my ostomy. Not a blink, just curious as to how it came about. I still wear the belt to keep the bag out of the way and take the antidiarrhea to avoid interruptions during a pleasant time. For those looking for a mate, it would be best to have the "discussion" right off the bat to weed out the trolls. But always keep in mind that it is just one minor aspect of who you are. Don't you blow it up out of proportion before you've even said "Hi".

Not Lamictal but Imodium over the counter or the generic by your doctor. V.I.P. Fred

G'day Fred383,

Just wondered if the 383 was the number of times you fantasize about all this.

I agree! Seems like an unhealthy way to regulate your output!

Seems to me if you care about that person at all, they need to know upfront the first time. If you don't care and you are only hiding the fact of your ostomy so that you can have sex, seems to me that's awfully manipulative.

Also note that abusing laxatives and antidiarrheals like that will harm your body and you will suffer consequences for it. Which maybe why your doctor doesn't want you to do this?