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ugh!

Welcome to MeetAnOstoMate.org
Wed Mar 24, 2021 5:53 pm

having colectomy with ileostomy surgery this past december; "most" of me has adjusted as best i can.  gotta move forward, right? mentally i feel good! i can't feel sorry for myself, i want to live!  

my biggest worry is "what woman would want me?" i want a relationship! a lasting relationship! but feeling kind of "broken" emotionally.  

any advice?

i'm sure  a lot of people here, not everyone, has had the same feelings?????

RD "ugh"

Wed Mar 24, 2021 7:04 pm

 

   Hi RC,

You are doing fine moving in the right direction. It is a journey and we all face these questions whether they pertain to us or not, those things go through our minds. One way or another we think what would I do? What do others feel and so on? It's part of our new normal. 

As far as how others my feel about our new situation it all boils down to Yes! I made it I'm still alive and that's most important, as you said. 

I think if I were seeking to find that one person to share my life with I personally would probably look for a person with an ostomy because they understand what you are living with. Now that's just my thought. But there are many wonderful people who understand first hand what your feeling and probably feel the same way. I guarantee it. And there are many in the world who are more self oriented so ostomy or not I wish you the best. 

   ...mtnman. 

Wed Mar 24, 2021 7:09 pm
Mtnman wrote:

thank you mountain man!  thanks for you input, i'ts appreciated!

Rocky 

   Hi RC,

You are doing fine moving in the right direction. It is a journey and we all face these questions whether they pertain to us or not, those things go through our minds. One way or another we think what would I do? What do others feel and so on? It's part of our new normal. 

As far as how others my feel about our new situation it all boils down to Yes! I made it I'm still alive and that's most important, as you said. 

I think if I were seeking to find that one person to share my life with I personally would probably look for a person with an ostomy because they understand what you are living with. Now that's just my thought. But there are many wonderful people who understand first hand what your feeling and probably feel the same way. I guarantee it. And there are many in the world who are more self oriented so ostomy or not I wish you the best. 

   ...mtnman. 



Wed Mar 24, 2021 7:13 pm

All that matters is that you're a good person! If someone doesn't love you for who you are completely ( ostomy included) than they are not deserving of your time and love. 
Having an ostomy can leave us feeling very insecure physically and emotionally. Part of recovery is learning to live your life freely and learning to overcome these issues. The best way to find anyone is to put yourself out there and take the bad with the good. Everything will fall into place when it's time. Be yourself and be proud of who you are. 

Wed Mar 24, 2021 7:21 pm
Earth Angel wrote:

All that matters is that you're a good person! If someone doesn't love you for who you are completely ( ostomy included) than they are not deserving of your time and love. 
Having an ostomy can leave us feeling very insecure physically and emotionally. Part of recovery is learning to live your life freely and learning to overcome these issues. The best way to find anyone is to put yourself out there and take the bad with the good. Everything will fall into place when it's time. Be yourself and be proud of who you are. 


thank you so much for words i needed to hear!

i think the same way.  

an opportunity hasn't presented itself, but it's gonna happen...than we shall see!  lol

Rocky

Wed Mar 24, 2021 7:38 pm

Hi Rocky. havig an ostomy does not chage who you are. When the right one comes along you will know it. Have you looked under the tab at the top of the page called Find Members then click on Relationship Search. Best wishes and stay safe

Wed Mar 24, 2021 8:12 pm
lovely wrote:

Hi Rocky. havig an ostomy does not chage who you are. When the right one comes along you will know it. Have you looked under the tab at the top of the page called Find Members then click on Relationship Search. Best wishes and stay safe


thank you so much lovely!

yes, i did notice!  

be well!

Wed Mar 24, 2021 8:31 pm

Hey Rocco! You are doing the right thing. You can always find a relationship but go slowly about it. Get to know the one you feel is your soul mate. I find that women are great listeners. The mature woman will accept what you have to say about yourself. Don't ever feel rejected about your situation. There is nothing wrong with a good heart. There are also many people in more unfortunate situations than yours. In my opinion having an Ostomy is a new lease on life and you can do anything anyone without a pouch can do. You can likely eat most things anyone could. I met my first wife after my emergency surgery. I was married to her for 19 years. I never felt that my ostomy was being in the way. I even asked her if my ostomy bothered her and she said no but thank God you are alive. Hope you are doing well and you find your match. Take care! Mike

Wed Mar 24, 2021 8:44 pm

Hi Rocco, 

i have often thought what if I did not have a husband, that went through all of this with me, but I wanted a relationship, what would I do. First thing is let the healing, body and mind, run the course. You have been through a lot!! Once you have accepted this a a néw lease on life, and your body has adjusted to your Ostomy, you will be ready to go out there and challenge the world!! I really think ladies do not care about such things as having an Ostomy. Not ones worth having a relationship with anyway! You will find that special someone, usually when and where you aren't looking. 
Best of luck! 
Puppyluv

Wed Mar 24, 2021 10:47 pm

Roccodee,

 

The feelings you are having are completely normal. It doesn't even matter whether we were already married at the time of surgery. Our partner will either not care or it will be a problem for them. Just know that many of us consider our ostomies to be jerk-detectors. They tend to be much better at identifying jerks than we are. In this regard, we can consider ourselves fortunate. You've now got a real chance to finally find that one partner who is all in for who you are. And that's huge. 

 

 

Mark

Thu Mar 25, 2021 5:10 am

I love the idea of thinking of our ostomy as a jerk- detector!!! That is such a benefit of being compromised as we are. I will think of that each and every time I meet someone new lol! Thanks for the great advice!

Thu Mar 25, 2021 10:32 am

Pleased to hear you doing well and accepting your ostomy.

Don't worry about your ostomy and realationships, the main problem comes from the person with the ostomy if they haven't come to terms with it themself as long as your over it, ostomy wont be a problem. 

 

Thu Mar 25, 2021 4:07 pm

Hi RD. Almost two months ago Bob wrote about “How we see ourselves”. It was another one of his great contributions to our group. I’m sending you my reply because of the “broken” feelings you mention. Bottom line is in time you’ll forget the “ugh”, give yourself a thumbs up and say “I knew I could do it!”.

My reply to Bob:

Ya know, Bob, I’m really happy you put these thoughts together for us. I’m about a century older than you but experienced lots of the same things you did. When first diagnosed with CR cancer then a malignant bladder tumor I felt broken. My education and work experience involved identifying faults, fixing and making better every kind of electromechanical system used to manufacture everything from surgical robots, misile vibration eliminators to tennis balls. I could fix or supervise the repair of anything. Now I was broken and didn’t know where to begin. I was told I would probably need a colostomy and I didn’t hesitate to reply, “That’ll never happen”. But it did and in time I realized I wasn’t broken. Actually, I was fixed!

Since I was already married over 40 years to the love of my life I didn’t have the dating considerations you did but I still needed to shoot hoops, field long fly balls and beat my grandkids on the golf course. That all started thirteen years ago. I don’t try fadeaway jumpers anymore. I hope I get only one-hoppers. I can’t hit the ball 300 yards but never did. I’m still competitive at pitch ’n putt. The stoma does what it’s supposed to do and the bag keeps it ‘till it’s ready to empty.

Besides my family and you guys, nobody knows I have one of those things and if they did I wouldn’t care.

I see myself as a person who has experienced lots of stuff others have and some things others can’t really imagine. I see myself as someone lucky to have avoided some not so good things others experienced.

Respectfully,

Mike

 

Fri Mar 26, 2021 2:24 am

Hi Rocco,

  My ears were ringing.....so I knew someone was talking about me. As every day goes by I learn a little more about myself, and try to always gain a little knowledge. Having an ostomy (that I never wanted or expected) has sent me down a path, both physically and mentally, that you're on now. I'm a few years ahead of you, so I'll let you know what's in store for you.  In the beginning, let's face it......we're all a mess, both physically and emotionally. Then there's a number of years I call "adaptation". You learn to live with the new you, and it can be pretty frustrating, as the learning curve is steep. I've had my shitbag about 6 1/2 years now, and I'd say about 6 months ago I finally started liking myself again, as I had a good grasp of what all my new physical limitations now were, had confidence in my bag staying stuck to me and finally stopped obsessing over this whole "ostomy makes me a freak" thing.  So in my mind I've now finished my "adaptation " phase and have moved into the "just shut-up and get on with life" phase. In this new phase I'm getting into dating, and just not letting my ostomy define me any more.

  Dating is interesting. My advice to you is not to think you have to find a partner who has an ostomy to be loved and understood. Don't preclude those folks, but don't think they are your only hope of finding your last best friend. There are lots of folks out there who couldn't care less if you have an ostomy, 2 heads or 12 fingers. That's not to say there aren't gals out there who will take one look at your shitbag and run screaming into the night....never to be seen again.....because there are. But mature folks know none of us get out of this game of life alive, and may have some battle scars of their own. There's been discussions on here about when to tell someone you're dating that you have an ostomy.......and as you can guess the answers run the full gamut......but what I've found is that most gals make a decision about your ostomy based primarily on how you deal with it and present it. By that I mean if the first thing you tell them is "Hi, I'm Joe and I have a shitbag, and it stops me from doing x,y and z.....and I won't eat this or that"......and you present it as something that's a big negative......they'll probably bolt for the door before the waitress even brings the appetizers. If instead you bring it up later in the relationship, after she's gotten to know you a bit and knows your a good guy (who isn't obsessing over it, and using it as an excuse not to be fun)......she's not going to care. If it's not a big deal to you.....it won't be a big deal to her. 

  What I'm trying to say is it's much easier (for both of you) to not date until you're fully comfortable with and accepting of your ostomy.....and not still in the "adaptation" phase. I was out with a gal the other night that I dated twice before. I never mentioned my ostomy. When we got to a little hugging and physical contact she felt my bag and asked me what it was. Without making a big deal, or even stopping what I was doing, I softly said "oh that?.....it's just an ostomy.....but it's just temporary". She said "yeah?" And I said "yeah, it's just there until I croak", which went right over her head because I wasn't making a big deal of it and her attention was on other things. Again, if it's just a minor thing to you.....she'll not dwell on it and it won't affect her feelings for you. Your mileage may vary......and not every gal will react that way......but what have you got to lose? There's millions of women out there and they're making more every day!  Just make sure you love yourself before you go looking for someone else to love you. As they say, my friend....timing is everything!

;0)

Bob

 



Last edited by w30bob on Fri Mar 26, 2021 8:39 am; edited 1 time in total
Fri Mar 26, 2021 5:49 am

Bob,

Fantastic advice!!! I agree that it is imperative to love yourself and be more comfortable in your own skin first before trying to date. If someone has an issue with your ostomy then it'll be much easier to accept and move on without beating yourself up and losing confidence. We are all beautiful in our own way and should never let something such as an ostomy define us. Thank you for your words of wisdom. ☺️

Fri Mar 26, 2021 8:00 pm
w30bob wrote:

Hi Rocco,

  My ears were ringing.....so I knew someone was talking about me. As every day goes by I learn a little more about myself, and try to always gain a little knowledge. Having an ostomy (that I never wanted or expected) has sent me down a path, both physically and mentally, that you're on now. I'm a few years ahead of you, so I'll let you know what's in store for you.  In the beginning, let's face it......we're all a mess, both physically and emotionally. Then there's a number of years I call "adaptation". You learn to live with the new you, and it can be pretty frustrating, as the learning curve is steep. I've had my shitbag about 6 1/2 years now, and I'd say about 6 months ago I finally started liking myself again, as I had a good grasp of what all my new physical limitations now were, had confidence in my bag staying stuck to me and finally stopped obsessing over this whole "ostomy makes me a freak" thing.  So in my mind I've now finished my "adaptation " phase and have moved into the "just shut-up and get on with life" phase. In this new phase I'm getting into dating, and just not letting my ostomy define me any more.

  Dating is interesting. My advice to you is not to think you have to find a partner who has an ostomy to be loved and understood. Don't preclude those folks, but don't think they are your only hope of finding your last best friend. There are lots of folks out there who couldn't care less if you have an ostomy, 2 heads or 12 fingers. That's not to say there aren't gals out there who will take one look at your shitbag and run screaming into the night....never to be seen again.....because there are. But mature folks know none of us get out of this game of life alive, and may have some battle scars of their own. There's been discussions on here about when to tell someone you're dating that you have an ostomy.......and as you can guess the answers run the full gamut......but what I've found is that most gals make a decision about your ostomy based primarily on how you deal with it and present it. By that I mean if the first thing you tell them is "Hi, I'm Joe and I have a shitbag, and it stops me from doing x,y and z.....and I won't eat this or that"......and you present it as something that's a big negative......they'll probably bolt for the door before the waitress even brings the appetizers. If instead you bring it up later in the relationship, after she's gotten to know you a bit and knows your a good guy (who isn't obsessing over it, and using it as an excuse not to be fun)......she's not going to care. If it's not a big deal to you.....it won't be a big deal to her. 

  What I'm trying to say is it's much easier (for both of you) to not date until you're fully comfortable with and accepting of your ostomy.....and not still in the "adaptation" phase. I was out with a gal the other night that I dated twice before. I never mentioned my ostomy. When we got to a little hugging and physical contact she felt my bag and asked me what it was. Without making a big deal, or even stopping what I was doing, I softly said "oh that?.....it's just an ostomy.....but it's just temporary". She said "yeah?" And I said "yeah, it's just there until I croak", which went right over her head because I wasn't making a big deal of it and her attention was on other things. Again, if it's just a minor thing to you.....she'll not dwell on it and it won't affect her feelings for you. Your mileage may vary......and not every gal will react that way......but what have you got to lose? There's millions of women out there and they're making more every day!  Just make sure you love yourself before you go looking for someone else to love you. As they say, my friend....timing is everything!

;0)

Bob

 

thanks so much for your words and support bob!

it's appreciated1

 

Sat Mar 27, 2021 3:53 am

Hello Rocco

I have had my ileostomy for 21 years and had a loving supporting husband during that awful time ..unfortunately he passed away in 2009 ..for the next few years I felt like my life had ended. I did date again a couple of times after and the guys I dated didn't care that I had a bag..it bothered me more than them...we are the same caring loving people we were before the bag ..I'm sure you will meet someone when you least expect it ..take care .

Ange 

Sun Mar 28, 2021 10:55 pm

Hey RC

Bob and others have already given some good advice.  i've had my ostomy for almost 20 years and have done some dating & had a few relationships in that time. Having an ostomy sure gives you an instant litmus test for finding people are empathetic and open-minded! anyone who will walk away because of medical procedure that likely saved your life isn't worth pursuing anyway. That being said, for the right person your ostomy won't matter in the least.  

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