Dating with an Ostomy: The Struggles and Frustrations

I have had my ostomy for a number of years now and all I will say is dating with an ostomy sucks.

Dave

It can be tough, but then I wasn't such a big fan pre-ostomy either...

There's a lot of fish in the sea though to go with the classic cliche, so there's bound to be someone who's a good fit eventually right?

I've had my ostomy for over 30 years. I never found dating to be a problem myself, but we all have our own personal experiences.

David,

So many factors play into whether it's good or sucks that it would be hard to generalize. That's true of about everything on here, as folks can have an ostomy for so many reasons... as well as having other health conditions ranging from none to about as bad as it can get. So I won't try to convince you that dating is good or bad or even sucks... everyone has their own situation and demons. If there's anything specific you'd like to discuss or want opinions on... we're all right here. Fire when you're ready; Gridley!

:0)

Bob

David, just to say dating with an ostomy sucks is just a matter of opinion. It doesn't suck. You may be a bit frustrated but don't give up. Some things take time and dating with an ostomy is one of those. I am 40 years with this ileostomy and I have been through the toughest of situations to very appealing ones. I've had 11 surgeries and haven't ever had a problem dating thankfully. I firmly believe it's a matter of what you put into it to get the understanding, trust, and respect of the person you are dating. Maybe the person you are dating is not someone you feel you can settle down with. Keep at it by all means. I think dating is interesting. I've had my ups and downs but I wouldn't say it sucks. Maybe someone on this sight might have better insights than I do but all I can offer is to talk about it. Let me know if I could help. Mike

Hey Dave.. I wanna wish you good luck in the dating scene. It is rough out there now. Definitely a challenge to meet people these days with COVID hanging out... We are both in the same boat.

I too pondered how could I meet someone like this? It's all in how you present yourself. Confidence.. Think about how you were pre-ostomy? I don't know if you were married, but before the spinal pain you had, what was your dating like? Over time, if you met someone, you could let them know about the ostomy. For me, I don't let them know jack.. Work on your charm, wit, be optimistic.. Cause nothing has changed. You're still Dave. So what? You got to wear a bag? My suggestion would be to click on the "find members" icon above and try dating someone with an ostomy who is also looking to date in there. You may be surprised finding someone like you there.

Now if you planned on one of the other ways to get a woman, like other dating sites, your pictures say those words about you. Fear not. Life can suck. Life can be good too. And I hate to say this, but there are people worse off than you (and us ostomates) looking to date.. And their life may also suck. But they move on. There is a young woman on here I had the pleasure to chat with.. Awesome girl. Later she mentioned guys go silent after learning she's in a wheelchair. The chair doesn't make the woman. She has more life in her than I will ever have, dude. So.. You get back on the horse. Don't look back. I betcha within a year you'll change your tune. Be patient. ---Warrior.

In the search for new friends, when to disclose your most vulnerable quality can be a daunting task. Everyone has to navigate that on their own. How much does your station in life count for? Do the well-off and the not so well-to-do face the same odds? I doubt it. Candor probably works. Someone who does not want you as you are is not worth it in the first place. Anyway, views expressed from a faraway land where conditions are different may not have much validity in the US.

Hi Dave,

Warrior and Supreme, said it very well.

If, in your experience, you believe that "dating sucks", then that's the expectations you'll bring to the table... Not really a lot to offer..

Hi, I'm Marsha, and I've had my ileostomy since I was a teen of 15. That's over 55 years. I won't say dating was easy, but it was fun. After 4 years in and out of hospitals, sick with UC, I was thrilled to get back to real life, school, social opportunities, including dating. Yes, there was the ostomy, but I came to terms with that at a very young age. If "it" was a problem for anyone, then he wasn't for me.. End of story.

In reality, I had more of an issue with my height (short) and weight (chubby) than I did with my ostomy. But I found guys I liked, and who liked me... and those first dating years were fun.

I married very young, ironically a man with an ileostomy, and although we were together for 24 and a 1/2 years, we were never really compatible. The ostomy wasn't enough to keep us together... but we had two sons, and so I waited. Eventually I/we divorced. He remarried my first cousin (who also had an ileostomy) but I've spent the last 20+ years dating, traveling, working, socializing... I met a lot of nice guys, just not the one for me... I'm 72 now, and was with a guy for about 4 years, until we broke up 2 years ago. He had some family and medical issues... but we still talk, and may even get back together..

I find it difficult to meet interesting men who like to go places, do things. I enjoy music, theater, reading, good conversation, travel, travel... and did I say travel? I have been around the world (I was a teacher with lots of time and not enough money), love to cruise, or just take day trips... Besides Europe, China, Japan, Israel, Africa, and even Malta, I have been to Australia 7 times, to visit my son and his family who live there... On one of my trips, I knew I was going to be alone a lot, so I registered on an Aussie dating site and met some guys. So I had the best of both, family time with the grandkids, plenty of me time for exploring the Gold Coast, and dating time to meet new people... I'm no longer working, and my "wings have been somewhat clipped" due to finances and COVID, but I'm still out there looking. If you have any specific questions, feel free to write/ask. Would love to hear from you. Marsha

Hi Dave,

I too agree with everyone's thoughts! I hope that love still exists regardless. It's just finding your groove and putting it out there, take a chance. Maybe you are just that special and the universe will make it happen in due time. Better to talk and get to know loads of people and find what you are looking for. A lifetime partner or friends with benefits. I hope I can speak honestly here. Or just company! The company of someone you're interested in can be awesome.

Everyone has something that gets in the way of finding true friendship and true love and a lover.

I too am hopefully one day find someone who accepts me for me and every part of me. They say time heals all, hope that is true and I'll let you all know. I say there are 31 flavors of ice cream according to Baskin-Robbins lol. So I am going to sample and pick my best flavor. Variety is the spice of life.

Good luck to us all hopeless romantics. And many blessings to all. I am sure Dave, you are special, so wait for that right person who can appreciate you and desire you in the way you want to be.

Take care all and many blessings to all!

BAYS

Hello Dave.
Thanks for this post and thanks to all those who have replied as it is interesting to read about different people’s take on this subject.
My own perspective lines up with WIgirl43 – inasmuch as ‘I wasn't such a big fan (of dating) pre-ostomy either’.
The closest I ever got to what other people might deem as ‘dating’, was when I met people whilst being involved in activities that I would have been involved in anyway.
Given that we were all involved in the same activities out of personal choice, we all at least had something in common. Somewhat unsurprisingly, I grew closer to some people than others.
Eventually, I worked alongside someone, who seemed mutually compatible as a companion. It seemed the logical thing to do to propose marriage and we have been that way ever since. (1967) So, if my calculations are correct, this will be our 54th year. Thankfully, the perceived need for dating has not arisen in that time so I can confidently (and thankfully) say that I have very little experience of this particular activity.
Nonetheless, my story does show that a strong and lasting relationship can be formed without putting oneself through the process of formal ‘dating’. Simply meeting people in any setting, will offer opportunities to form friendships with those who are likeminded.
I wish to luck in your search for whatever it is you are looking for.
Best wishes
Bill