Seeking Advice: Dating with Scars, Stoma, and Reactions - How to Approach the Topic?

I wonder if anyone has any advice. I have had a stoma since I was a child and my problems have developed over my adult life, which has caused intense scarring and has left me unable to have sex. The thing is, I am a young woman, and of course I want to find love. But I have been burned by men's reactions in the past. One guy who I thought things were going well with said, "I think you need more than I can give" when I told him about my situation. When do I bring this up? Nobody wants to chat about sexual dysfunction on a first date, but I don't want to feel like I am stringing him along. I am also sick of the shame of hiding it though. I have fought long and hard for an answer, and I still hope surgeons can help me, but for now we are where we are. How would you approach this? I thought navigating the stoma was hard enough, but this for me is shattering.

Date older men and research other ways to have romantic exchanges with your partner.

I am so sorry you've had such an awful experience. There is just so much more to love and intimacy than just that specific physical act. Some of the most special moments I've experienced in my life have been all about tenderness and the joy of being with someone who understands and appreciates you, someone who 'gets' you, who makes you smile, who listens, who empathizes, and in turn appreciates the return of those same affections.
You're young, you're living in an age where men and women have more than ever previously an understanding of what it feels and means to be different. Don't give up hope - there is a man out there that deserves you.

Wishing you the best

Daft old man x

Hi Janey,

Well........I have some advice........but you may or may not like it. I apologize for any lack of sensitivity on my part right up front.......it's just how I am. If you don't have the ability to have intercourse, then technically you have a 'disability'.........an inability to do something. I know......it's an ugly word......but it shouldn't be. But with that in mind....have you tried looking for love on dating sites for disabled folks? They're not all wheelchair-bound paraplegics looking to get lucky.......there's lots of people just like us on there who are either intimidated by their disability, or who just don't want to deal with the rejection and all that BS they'd get from non-disabled folks who don't understand. Just as we are more sensitive to other ostomates' problems, other disabled folks looking for love are much less critical, and more understanding of those of us who are just a bit 'different'.

Now I need to warn you, there is a downside to those disabled folks dating sites.........and that is there are a LOT of people on them. And it will be a bit overwhelming when you first start out. I checked one out one time shortly after they gutted me and stuck a bag on my tummy, just to see what it was about. And the response, even without me putting up a picture.....was overwhelming to say the least. Lots and lots of disabled folks looking for love. Lots. Did I mention there are LOTS of them? I think you get the idea. Most sites you can try out for free before you join, but even those will end up with you getting tons of messages. It's sort of like an untapped oil reserve.......just sitting there waiting for you to stick a pipe in it and reap the rewards.

Anyway, it's just a suggestion. Meeting someone via word of mouth is always the best way, but a person with your condition on the normal dating sites, I'm sorry to say, is just asking for trouble. People who don't have issues or medical conditions are just not very receptive to being with someone who does. I won't say if that's right or wrong, everyone has their own opinion, and we're a bit biased, but it's just how things work. And it's weird, because you'd think as we get older (and supposedly wiser) we'd be MORE accommodating to people and their life experiences.......but it's just the opposite......the older we get the more picky we get. I'm guessing that's a side effect of wisdom, and learning what to avoid from experience. But you're young, so you have that going for you. Now who would ever think there'd be a downside to becoming wiser???? If I think of anything else........I'll shout.

Regards,

Bob

Hi! There is something that has been mentioned before that is still a mystery to me. Why do people on this site, both male and female, not post a picture of themselves? I feel that by putting a picture of yourself, it shows confidence in yourself. That is, in part, how you should feel in your relationship. It takes a mature and mostly down-to-earth person to understand the challenges of a person with an ostomy. I do realize there are some who are worse off than others. No matter, we can do all the same things anyone can do without challenges and more. It all goes back to having confidence and courage. There is no real wrong time to bring up things that you feel might be the difference between having a relationship or not. If it's the first date and you feel you have to dish out all that you have been through over the past 10 years because the date is moving faster than a rocket, then you know this is not the one for you. A mature person would not rush. If you feel that there is a spark and you want to venture further, then bring your A game of confidence and let the person down slowly. Let them know you are interested but need time. If they are understanding, they will back down and start asking questions. You are in control at this point and, as I said, you don't need to tell the person about your last 10 years of your life or your secrets. Always remember a conversation is a two-way thing. So is a relationship. Mike

I am going to suggest you see an oncological OB/GYN. I didn't even know they existed!! I was having the same problem as you - scarring causing painful sex. I got referred by my oncologist's office to an OB/GYN associated with that department at the hospital. I don't know if you had cancer or not, but apparently this is a common side effect of cancer treatments/surgery in this area, and they may be able to help you like they helped me. I now, once again, have a robust love life with my husband, which had pretty much gone down the tubes for a while. Good luck, and I hope they can help.

Hi, be it known, there are a lot of trolls out there. You MUST be willing to sort through them. A) Internet chat for a few weeks. B) Meet at a restaurant WITH a friend. If he passes scrutiny and your friend agrees in the restroom "break", plan for a second date explaining that you do have a "wound" or whatever you want to call it in general terms at belly level and you wear a corset just for truth in advertising. And smile. No need to go into detail about your ostomy at this time OR C) when you have your first intimate date. THEN D) meet at a restaurant again, perhaps with another ostomate, and explain all. His reaction will not mean anything. He will appear polite and sincere. E) You will know how he really reacts by internet chat and lack of further date. Or hopefully the understanding and sincerity you need and have earned. Good luck!