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Depressingly familiar

 
This is the best website for people with an Ostomy. So much understanding.

Hi all new here, just like to say how honest and upfront  you all are regarding your relationship  issues  since becoming  an ostomate I have spent a lot of time reading through  all  or most of the posts

And can relate to to all or most of them 

I do find it a bit depressing  sometimes  I have a permanent  stoma post cancer

For six months now

And have had absolutely  no  opportunities  to  form a relationship 

With a woman intimate  or otherwise 

As I have like most of you been focused  on  the  challenges  of life with a stoma 

I lost my wife of 40 years to cancer 2 years ago and I miss the couples life

I have recently  found myself becoming  more and more introverted a far cry from my previous life as so many have already stated  I cannot  see me getting  into  a new relationship  unless it is with  another ostomate or a stoma nurse 🙃  not many 60 year old sinestoma nurses  that I know of so I'm banking on another ostomate 

I know  itvis all about body image which is shallow  I know but I can't shake it off  and it is starting  to depress me a little 

Sorry for the rant but needed to say something to anyone  who will listen 

And you lotvareva kind of captive audience  with  a lot of experience 

Just needvto knowvitsvnot all doom and gloom

Thanks all Nick

 

My condolences on the passing of your wife, Nick. Losing her and then going through all you did medically, that must have been very difficult. Often we somehow manage to get through a challenging situation only to fall apart a little later. I know I’m not the only one who had that happen. But I don’t think it’s all doom and gloom because “this too shall pass.” If you feel like it’s becoming hard to get past, a good therapist can help. Hang in there and I’m sure you’ll get more responses here.

MeetAnOstoMate - 28,292 members
 

Hi Nick - thanks for your post.  This is a fine group of ostimates and they are helpful in many ways.  Tune in and stay tuned and eventually you will at least feel like you have friends who can understand your feelings.  Also, anonymity provides a degree of comfort/freedom to state your feelings.  This is the first place I come when I need some stoma information, the come to Jesus eye-opening circumstances of other ostomates, and a bit of humor here and there.  

Although I have yet to come to grips with this stoma of mine I am in a much better place than I was early on in my journey thanks, to this web site.  Yes, we all feel or have experienced the doom and gloom but hopefully, time and a positive attitude will make it subside.  Although I am married to a most wonderful man who has completely accepted my “new me” this does not change the fact that the journey inside our heads must be traveled with oneself.  Time is key - give it time.  Hugs, jb 

 

As a long term person with a colostomy..I was married over 20 years..after the divorce 2 serious boyfriends..currently dating a new gentleman. None of the men had a colostomy. Give dating a chance..most woman or partner like to date folks that are clean, fresh breath, clean teeth, neat clothes and shoes clean nails,able to pay their own way on dates aka regular income. Good sense of humor, good communication skills and have positive out look on life. Join a few dating sites and start talking to people but take it very,very slow with texts within  the dating site and then phone calls. Never ever send money, or give Any personal information about yourself..until you meet the person and make sure they are real and you like them. But still never loan or give money or pay for large expensive meals until you are in a relationship. Do not tell them about your ostomy unless you feel they are going to see you naked..but be very selective. 

Your ostomy is only a small part of your body..do not let it overtake your joy.

 

Thankyouvfor your wonderful responses

I did not mean to come across as miserable  I have a very positive  outlook  most of the time  but every now and then I fall in a hole I expect it is the same for most ostomates when you see the long road ahead 

Once again thanks  for the responses 

And positive  feed back

Cheers

Nick

 

Hi Nick

Welcome to the site,as you can see already we are a friendly bunch of people from all over the world. So stop right there and repeat what I have just said there are not many people who can say they have friends in every part of the world how amazing is that. What you are going through is a normal response to what everyone of us have gone through some at the start some midway through. So you are not alone in how you are feeling, it will get better with time and you will find the person when you are ready. Just a old saying that I like to use but so true remember Rome was not built in a day. XX 

 

You've been to hell & back over that last few years I'm not surprised you have down days.

It's early days for you, once you accept your stoma yourself it wont be a problem in any relation 99% of the problems come from the person with the ostomy pushing people away without even realizing it.

Use your hobbies to get out more and meet people to build your confidence back up, if you have the time see if there are any 'man sheds' near you, they should change the name now really women are welcome at them too. I've visited a few recently to do with work I've found more women at them than men and lots of single ones too....they do various actives at them, chat away, make friends and you never know what it may lead too...plus there heated so in these times cut's down on your own energy bills at home 

 

Enlighten me 🤔 what’s a “man shed” are they unique to the UK ?  Have not heard of them here in the US but sounds like a business opportunity for someone with some enthusiasm and entrepreneurial motivation - namely Alex😃

 


Justbreathe wrote:

Enlighten me 🤔 what’s a “man shed” are they unique to the UK ?  Have not heard of them here in the US but sounds like a business opportunity for someone with some enthusiasm and entrepren...

😁 Man shed or man cave. The place where men can getaway and finally be right with everything they do. My whole house is a man shed nowadays.  😂 At least until the right woman decides I’m worth dealing with. 👀 😮 man shed…..

 


Maried wrote:

As a long term person with a colostomy..I was married over 20 years..after the divorce 2 serious boyfriends..currently dating a new gentleman. None of the men had a colostomy. Give dating a chance....

You women expect a lot out of a guy. 😂 

 


eefyjig wrote:

My condolences on the passing of your wife, Nick. Losing her and then going through all you did medically, that must have been very difficult. Often we somehow manage to get through a challenging s...

Sweet words.  

 


AlexT wrote:

😁 Man shed or man cave. The place where men can getaway and finally be right with everything they do. My whole house is a man shed nowadays.  😂 At least until the right woman decides I’m w...

Oh I am familiar with man cave we have one here - it’s called the garage 🤪. Thought maybe “man shed” was like a local pub or something- not a bad name for a bar here in the old U.S. of A -

MAN SHED 

get on that Alex, would prolly attract men and perhaps some women looking for a good man ! 

Or maybe women would think it’s a place to shed their current man !  Either way it works !  LOL$$$

 

To Nick, and to all the others out there startin g or continuing life with an ostomy..  I'm Marsha, and I've had my ( permanent) ileostomy for almost 60 years.....since I was a " kid" of 15...   After 4 years of being in and o ut of hospitals, and out of school and things " social" due to ulcerative colities,   I embraced the idea of an ileostomy as a solution to m y disease , and isolaation...   Perhaps I wo uld have been more aprehensive, if my  parents and doctors  hadn't " thrown me to the wolves",   b y insisting I  become active with the ostomy group in m y area...    I thought they'd all b e " old people",   but I actually met quite a few  young adults and teens,   and we started our own group..   some of us  dated, but most of them ( college students)   were experimenting with being involved with non ostomates....   So, although I had a community of "ostomate friends",  I started socializing in my high school, with many who didn't know I had the ostomy...   As someone stated, you are more than just the " ostomy"...    Just think about being social, get out t here, try  new things, go to  meet  ups, or clubs, or  use dating sites, to try out your renewed social and dating skills...    I married at 20 ( t o a man who also had an ostomy......I met his mother at a fund raiser)   but after  24 1/2  years of marriage, and 2 children,   we divorced..   Despite having the same surgery,   we were not really compatible..   So there I was again, in my 40's an d back to socializing and dating..      I joined singles groups, went to dances, and concerts,   and began to t ravel with friends ( who did not have ostomies)...   It w as more about having a social life, an d by doing t hat,   I met, and dated some really nice men...    The ostomy nev er really  changed anything...   The relationships just didn't lead to anything permanent..   So here I am ,   74,   and am out socializing, meeting other singles......now t hat covid isn't as dangerous...   I  wish you all the b est of luck... Marsha  . ..

 

Hey Marsha - thanks for the boost!  At 78 years old I cannot even begin to imagine the many years ago these surgeries were around - and then my mind wanders to how in the world did ostomates deal with all the issues and getting the supplies they desperately needed?  

I had to be well into my late 40’s before I ever even had an inkling of what the word ostomy meant.  Did I live in a freakin’ bubble?  Maybe, but  I’d like to think not, as I was very much a part of the Corporate world, traveling and never a stay-at-home person.  Did I have my head in the sand?  Maybe.  But I am guessing people just didn’t talk freely about this subject like they did about diabetes and other illnesses, so I never heard mention of it.  Did this result in stigmatized Ostomates?  
 I am guessing - - - yes.  I am feeling it myself these days.  

But,  as many on this site have said  - “get over it” “move on “ and live your best life”  “be thankful” just the same advice that is appropriate for everyone to do on a daily basis with or without an ostomy.  I am trying hard to do this.  

MANY THANKS for sharing your story it really puts things in perspective .  jb 

Ady
 

Hi Nick, at least you are on the mend by the sounds of it, I wish I had your positive attitude.

What's wrong with a younger stoma nurse? Most of the ones I meet have been lovely ;-)

Are you going to a support group such as the IA Association in the UK? It is a great way to meet people who understand what you are going through, you can make new friends and you never know what might blossom :-)

 


Nick C wrote:

Thankyouvfor your wonderful responses

I did not mean to come across as miserable  I have a very positive  outlook  most of the time  but every now and then I fall in a hole I expect it is the ...

Nick 

it’s all ok and we all have a lot to hammer 🔨 handle and we all don’t tell how we really feel and try to be positive it’s ok.,I can’t imagine anyone being positive and happy 😃 all the time in life it’s just faking to make it sometimes with me and I know not speaking for anyone but we all have many downs and ups ...

I have a story as many read and it’s very hurtful and a big punch in the face and seeing Stars kind of feelings. I actually been there to and that’s another time in my life! 
but anyway I don’t come here a lot, only because I need a computer 👩‍💻 too...

But theses past few tears and years as I’m having a sad day, our thoughts can hurt 😢 our heart, mind, soul , body as my Dad’s best friend died in front of me and I’m still  so upset about it 😢he was a great man like father figure and was the best, he was very nice to me as it was my dads friend of  over 60 years so I got to know him very well, like a father figure 😊he was special and I really miss him! I hope everyone is doing the best they can and I hope you relax more Nick and everyone who reads this and I haven’t been texting or doing anything much this year so I hope your all ok 

I have a few friends I have to write to and Joe shes and they are ok having a good summer’

Take my own advice 

Love you all 

Victoria 
Happy Monday Labor Day 

 

1 year ago yesterday 4th. I almost wasn't here  but thanks to God and my surgeon I'm here today. This year I can say was about the worst I've had.  I have become so much closer to Jesus than I've ever been. 🙏  I consider myself lucky to have someone who can make my days better. There's got to be lots of people out there who don't care about ostomy and this may be the perfect place to find someone to share your life with. Good luck 😊😊😊

 


Renfromtexas wrote:

1 year ago yesterday 4th. I almost wasn't here  but thanks to God and my surgeon I'm here today. This year I can say was about the worst I've had.  I have become so much closer to Jesus than I've...

Jesus has seen me through many trials, surgeries, diverticulitis and now an ostomy that has relieved me of so much pain!  I am so grateful for His help in it and for the nurses and surgeons who helped me through.

 


AlexT wrote:

You women expect a lot out of a guy. 😂 

One more thing is needed in a dating partner a car or public transportation pass, bike,motorcycle aka transportation..so you both can meet for dates :). 

 

😂. Damn, one more thing I gotta come up with. 😩🤦‍♂️

 


AlexT wrote:

😂. Damn, one more thing I gotta come up with. 😩🤦‍♂️

And no you can't turn up on a donkey 🐴 that will definitely take all the shine from you to the ass lol 😂😂 XX 

 


Caz67 wrote:

Hi Nick

Welcome to the site,as you can see already we are a friendly bunch of people from all over the world. So stop right there and repeat what I have just said there are not many people who can...

I have my ileostomy for 22years now and we have become unseperable ( pun) my wife passed away 2years ago, I am on my own now but I have accepted this situation. I get out quite a bit with friends and have taken up karaoke singing which I find a lot of fun. The housework keeps me busy and cooking meals keeps.me busy and if I do meet someone that maybe a bonus. I suppose by keeping busy it keeps me focused . Good luck to all optimists life has a way of changing direction, so it may change for you when you least expect it.

 


AlexT wrote:

You women expect a lot out of a guy. 😂 

Lol 

 


Nick C wrote:

Thankyouvfor your wonderful responses

I did not mean to come across as miserable  I have a very positive  outlook  most of the time  but every now and then I fall in a hole I expect it is the ...

Hi Nick I can understand how you're feeling , you will have good and bad days but keep the faith,losing a love one  who you love and care it's very hard and there will be loneliness,depression but there is light at the end of that tunnel God will turn it around for you.I am in that same situation but slowly I am getting through it take time it been 7yrs I lost my husband but faith am holding on to day by day.

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