Dating with an Ileostomy: When and How to Tell Potential Partners?

PAS, I think men are shallower than women in this regard. Unfortunately. But a man who is sincerely interested in you for more than just looks will be able to look past it. They need to understand that you have to deal with it all the time and that's not required of them. 

And after some getting used to it, just like you did, he will come to see it as a part of you and accept all of you and even start to love it in some cute way, as my ex did (we divorced for unrelated reasons). It is a bit of a hurdle you have to get over when dating but, like a hurdle, you can get over it if you persist, that's my best advice. 

For those reasons, and this goes without saying, one night stands are not recommended, but I wouldn't recommend those anyway! 

I'm just wondering how you are telling them. If you tell them like this is the worst, yucky thing anyone could ever have, or if you say it in a nonchalant, no big deal type of way. I waited until the second or third date. Anyone that doesn't stick around after you tell them is not worth your time either.

Hang in there.

It was after the 5th date with this particular woman who wasn't an ostomy that I explained I had upcoming surgery, and I told her about the stoma I already had...

What blew me away was that on our very first date she told me she wore an appliance, not one but two! She had diabetes. I'm not familiar with those appliances, but the fact that she came right out on the first date to tell me was very admirable. So it got me thinking, when should I tell her about my appliance? It was the 5th date...

I asked if she wanted to pursue a committed relationship. At that time, she said she didn't want to commit to any relationships. She was having a lot of fun, so I understood that.

It wasn't till after my surgery, and I called her up, and this is in the span of 5 months from the 5th date to the date I am home after the surgery, and I told her, "Hey, let's go out. The surgery was a success, blah blah blah."

She says, "Oh, I'm in a relationship, but thank you. It was really great meeting you." 🤔🙇‍♀️

You might try the bathroom wall... 🤭

Yes... the infamous plumbing wall. My wife still reminds me about it from time to time.

The other day the cat disappeared. We looked everywhere. She is an indoor cat only, so she had to be in the house somewhere. Couldn't be the plumbing wall... it's covered up. (Could you imagine the glee my wife would have telling me I'm a moron again if somehow the cat was in there?)

We were stumped... she was nowhere to be found. Hours later I hear scratching. Coming from inside my closet. Sliding doors were closed... no way she could be in there. I cautiously pulled one side open. And there was the cat! How did she get in there? Did Spock beam her inside? Next day I'm in the room on my computer. Cat appears. I watch her. She goes to the middle of the closet doors, pushes one door, that swings in. Then muscles her way in. One problem... she can't get out. I slide open the door, boot the cat out. Looking carefully, I notice the little metal guide at the bottom had fallen off, allowing the door to be pushed inward. Once fixed, the door can't be pushed in. Amazing my cat discovered this flaw.

I am 54, and I've had an ileostomy since I was 11 years old. My entire dating life was with the bag. Telling guys about the bag definitely caused me angst, but with all the experiences behind me I can tell you honestly, it was wasted anxiety.

I left my first husband when I was 40, so I've dated as a youngster and in my 40s. I am in a very happy, loving second marriage. My bag has never been an issue in either marriage.

My comments are similar to some above. Non-ostomates have many of the same issues we do when dating. I don't think of myself as a woman with a bag, just a woman. My girlfriend and I used to swap dating stories, and it was great to remember that the good, the bad, and the ugly happens to everyone.

Tell people about the bag when you feel ready, and it doesn't have to be a big deal. Let people get to know you first, and they'll take their cues from you on how to deal with the bag. I have never needed any bag-related lingerie when intimate. I always make sure my bag is completely empty, but other than that, I don't do anything special because of my ostomy. Do whatever makes you feel comfortable - sometimes lingerie is fun regardless ;)

So, be confident in yourself, keep trying, and at some point, the stars will align and a meaningful connection will happen.

Wishing you the best.

That's exactly it: too shallow and not really the sort of person you want in your life. The stoma isn't you; it's a part of you and not a part that matters.

It will happen. I have been in long-term relationships with people without a stoma. I didn't disclose it until I knew it was serious. Don't forget you have a right to privacy first and foremost. Why disclose your personal information until you know the person you're sharing it with is worthwhile? You wouldn't necessarily do it with anything else deeply personal, and remember that the other person has to earn your trust like any other relationship.

That last line is priceless. You nailed it, dude.

If that's what you want, it will happen for you. Just don't give up. There is a great guy out there who is lonely and looking for a partner, who has his own roadblock to deal with. Keep the faith, you will find each other.

Noooooooooooo - The cat knows that's not a good place!

;-((

 

 

This bit of my keying is done as an edit on 10 Mar 2024! :

This software is weird

 

 

I think I meant to reply to BB - whose cat got lost [not] and found within the stud partitioning during BB's address of some plumbing as I recall.

 

/ ............. but of course I may be mistaken - still getting used to the software on here ;-(

 

.....

Have caught up with your latest photo though Warrior - I love owls - my favorite being the barn owl here in the UK - the barn owl's feathers are soooooooooo soft - one needs to sight what you are touching to believe the contact ..... these owls are something else

 

 

AND JUST NOW - although I 'saw' your photo Warrior on the 'notifications' we get - I had not looked at it by clicking on it - ....

and so I thought [from the thumbnail-sized image] your pic to be of an owl!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Now I guess EVERYONE thinks I'M nuts!!!!!!! [no change there then lol]

 

IN FACT I NOW SEE your new pic is NO OWL!

 

What an amazing K( Warrior - what breed is it?

 

 

BW

Jayne

My favorite crayon color is Stoma Red.

Hugs to you both!

J

x

In the wider perspective, the expression can also mean that if one can 'swim' then mechanical aids [like a bicycle] are not needed to 'ride'.

;-))

BW

J

Jayne, fun to see a whole different side of you haha. And gotta love every time this thread gets re-resurrected :)

J,

Yeah, intimacy in one form or another is probably one of the more 'naked' topics ;-))

x

J

Perfectly said!