I Just Need To Vent!

Posted by PsychoJane, on Thu Jul 16, 2009 3:56 pm

Is it just me or it is hard to convince ourself that the surgery have not played a part in the choice of someone to go with someone else rather than you eh...?

Lol Really... 24 yrs old trying to live my life fully... as I wish I could lol, well I think I do pretty well... but is it just me that feel like, I can't be a beast with someone that is just not aware of my situation eh? I mean, I am pretty impressed, most people deal well with it and won't make you feel bad or what not about it... At the least its been the case for me most of the time. But for *** sake, I don't know about you, but its hard to be 100% on a first night with someone that doesn't know about it... I mean, my mind spend way more time focussing on the possible reactions than actually having fun.... (am I alone doing that). Anyway...

Am I the only one to have issue taking people's word when they tell you it has nothing to do with it but that they kinda avoid you after... I mean... its a first for me on that. And it makes me straight mad lol.... ARGH! I guess thats why I was avoiding what could look like a superficial person at all cost... I guess I should have listen to myself again on that one.

I know, that post is quite random, but I had to.... don't think anyone is in a better position than you all to understand that. On a positive note, life is good even with those shit. Let's be happy!

Reply by Past Member, on Thu Jul 16, 2009 5:16 pm

Hi Jane

I understand your frustration totally. Most people are naive and just dont understand what an ostomy is. I to have had the same experience a long time ago. And this was my childhood sweet heart. We dated on and off for three years. The first time we were intimate we made love half naked becuase I held back. I finally admitted to her what I had and she said she already knew. Well anyway the next time we were together I did not hold back, and we were together then entire evening and she dumped me the next day. The only advise I can give you is to you is to be up front with who ever you are with. If they cant accept you the way you are then their not worth it. The other alternative is to find someone nice on this site that will undserstand what your going through. The most important things is to enjoy life because you got a second chance.

Bobby

Reply by Past Member, on Thu Jul 16, 2009 6:13 pm

Jane,

I understand completely what you are saying. My wife, who was with me through the whole process of losing my colon and other failed surgeries, has recently revealed that she has a problem with my ostomy. I have come to think that I would be much better off with someone who either has an ostomy or has been through something serious. I thought I knew my wife, but don't know what to think now.

MeetAnOstoMate

MeetAnOstoMate is not a typical ostomy website, but rather a vibrant multi-topic community, where people have fun, discuss various things and give each other love and support.

Reply by Past Member, on Thu Jul 16, 2009 8:51 pm

Sweet PsychoJane, hello girl! Smile

You sweetie pie you, you are not at all in this alone. I was given my ostomy at the age of ten and I'll turn 43 in August ....so I've had many situations much like what you are describing. I think Tarababy once put it best, forgive me I won't be able to quote her exactly but she said something like, "watch the boys separate from the men" and she is SO right!! I will also quote WAB here as well, he once said, "you did not lose anything.........those who care stick with you......" ...yet another very accurate statement.
Once your potential friend or lover discovers the ostomy, you see who they really are ......and if they don't accept it, well, kick them to the curb baby! Wink

You are young and beautiful and there is a sea full of wonderful people in this world and you can pick and choose dear. Smile

Reply by PsychoJane, on Fri Jul 17, 2009 3:23 am

Thank you for your answers, supports and all. I am so grateful we have that community. Really, I can tell and retell what happens to me to my friends but it seems like it never feels the same way than being understood by people like you all that actually knows what I am talking about. I have grown up telling my mother for the longest that this bag was an "asshole" filter lol... I mean, I understand some people can't cope with it, and it's their right too, but I am sure you get the idea haha.

Reply by WAB, on Fri Jul 17, 2009 3:44 am

Thank you wounded Doe for quoting me..........

....ahh and Psycho Jane..hang in there..there are solutions....... here 11 years now with a colostomy..at first well.....we all hate the fact we have been put in this situation.............and fear rejection.......it does happen..so I looked for solutions......being a man I looked for a way I could sort of mask the fact..I had a colostomy........However .I was up front in telling anyone.....however..I came up with the idea of using a tuxedo cumberbund...........to cover bag..........it works and looks great......and they come in all colors....and are in silk......

and I also know there is a company out there making stretch wraps in skin tones which will hide anything......I bought 2.....pale skin tone.....stretchy......both sexes.......

also for those with a colostomy and those who are a canditate..I started to irrigate and this was a lifesaver and changed my life completely..........I never have to worry anymore .....bag is always empty....and I control the situation............check with your nurse if you are a canditate....( colostomy)

I wish you well......but one thing I can tell you......we all adapt and quite well....it is when situation is new that we think too much about it........good people who are happy with your personality and who you are............. are out there.......they will not give it a second thought......

believe me.......

Reply by Past Member, on Fri Jul 17, 2009 9:11 am

ya know what!
ta hell with them that cant handle what wev got!
what we have is such a small drop in a big ocean!
and to the men/woman who cant accept our cosmetic flaw! a big fat up yours!
it makes me laugh these people that cant handle our condition..their biggest flaw is they are assholes and that is far more off putting than a bag that saved our lifes!
they are missing out on compasionate,caring ,loving,forgiving people and if they want to be with a piece of arm candy who is "perfect" then good luck to them cos no one is perfect and i hope the losers that reject us end up with a nightmare of a woman/man who is a complete pain to be with in the name of perfection! lol i sound very bitter haha! but no wonder when we are surrounded with shallow people! jane dont give up hope you are just meeting the wrong people,but i tell ya what you exude your confidence and tell yourself that these men are lucky you even gave them the time of day,you are gorgeous young woman and they losers should think themselves lucky to have even breathed the same air in the vicinity of yourself! we have such an advantage of sniffing out the rats and escaping with only a bruised ego rather than a broken heart!xx

Reply by Past Member, on Sun Jul 19, 2009 8:09 pm

Hi all,

I have been a member of this community for almost a year but only became active in it this past week. Guess it was easier to just shelve this stuff away and not deal...
Since this is a community that we discuss the color of our poop, I'm sure I won't be judged for the explicit nature of this response.

When it comes to casual sex with a short term partner (if not a one nighter) I have had no
issues with disgusing my pouch. Dim lighting to keep him from exploring too much in the light, orsetts, waist cinchers and other lingerie have been an instrumental strategy of mine for many years now. I even use a small tube top that make sure that I am in control of where things go and what gets taken off.

However, when dating someone who is a viable relationship candidate I hit a wall.  They think it odd that I don't want to jump in the shower with them before or afterward or go skinny dipping with them even though I have a decent body.  It has bewildered them. I usually peace out when things get that intimate.  I just can't go there.  There are three confused men out there who will never know why  I REALLY ended it.

However, and yes it's ok to laugh.  From 2004 - 2006, I had a great romance with a legally blind man for two years. FREEDOM!!! He only felt what I let him feel and used my waist cincher. He just thought it was my hernia belt and was fine with it.  Fun times.

Volunteer with the blind. There some hotties there!

Reply by VIK, on Sun Jul 19, 2009 9:18 pm

Hi PsychoJane
My husband has had a colostomy for the last 5 years due to colon cancer. We were newly married when we got it. It was a big shock at first, like the day the surgeon came out and told me they were not going to be able to piece him back together, but i accepted it that day and moved on. I don't see the colostomy when i look at him and it does not factor into what i think of him. hes still the same person, i see him exactly the same. I honestly dont even notice it. it helps that he is a super positive person who has remained confident so there are a lot less issues. like if i reject him for sex he takes it in stride and does not assume its due to the colostomy when i am just too tired. that makes a big difference.
anyway, i just wanted to say its possible for someone without an ostomy to love the person you are so much that it wont even matter.
I hope you find the same.
also, my best friend has alopecia. basically, she has bene bald since she was 7 and all our lives, she has had to tell new boyfriends that she was bald and wearing a wig. to tell you the truth most of them found a way to dump her very quickly after. after a while she met the love of her life and he didnt care at all. she is now happily married with kids.

good luck
v.

very helpful

1 likes

Reply by tarababy, on Mon Jul 20, 2009 9:48 pm

Hi Pyschojane ,neat name,love it...and yes i did say that about dating...You see i WAS on the dating scene for a little while after this happened....and i tried my way and others ways...the part where you hide anything about it till you are comfy with someone...FORGET IT!!..Sure you may keep them as a mate,but, unfortunately many will run like a mad cow on speed from you...Then there was my way...within minutes or no less than an hour,they would know about it...a few were interested...mmm!!but only in the mechanics of it all...the minute i would show the top of the bag...you could feel the air change around them.I have always had the attitude....who gives a shit what you think...so i went back to that and begun being totally open and honest about it..Guess being a great stripper all those years helped with that..Notice i threw great in there.hehehe..well,i found it worked...and even if nothing,ever came from it...I would know right away they werent worth my time and effort...Hey i am not going to be nice to ANYONE just for the sake of being nice and not embarrassing them...to hell with them.How dare they pass judgement on us because we have something they dont..I have heard a lot of excuses why they didnt want to see me again,and not one of them had the balls to tell me to my face the real reason...Fortunately now i dont need to go there....you see, if you arent in the know,I have found true love for the first time in my 45yr life....And i wanted to come on here and tell the world and my Osty-mates...IF I CAN FIND IT,ANYONE CAN..sorry for using your post for that,but,its a new post and everyone will read it,i hope..And the best part is...if i hadnt gotten this stoma when i did....(.i got myself a PC to get a support group up and running)And then i thought why not try the dating sites for a laugh....i spoke to many....aussies/yanks/...and you know what? Americans were more tolarable with it...maybe it was because i am an aussie,who knows...Well, it does seem us aussie girls have a bit of a thing for that twangy accent and the way they are such gentlemen...and so im told aussie men like american women...so i'm like,why dont we swap...send the male yanks to Oz and and we will ship our men off to you ladies here...but hey i wouldnt do that to ya's...lmao...i know what aussie men are like...sorry guys....but there are good and bad in every race...you just have to have patience and an attitude to go with it...doesnt mean a bad attitude,just one to accomodate what we have.And now,well, i couldnt be happier guys...he doesnt care about the stoma and all that goes with it...and what a nice way to live....if anything he is always telling me not to worry about it...funny how life goes hey..Best i go now or i will just keep on about how happy i am and how happy any of you can be...there is someone for everyone...widen the horizons maybe...step out-side the normal square..They could be your next door neighbour or the guy you go buy a mobile phone from...oh hang on...thats my guy..lmao...Anyway,hope i have helped a little....and you came to the right place for this...the majority on here love to give their two-cents worth..like me..I wish you the best of luck...your a gorgeous girl and deserve the best--dont go anything less.....Take care...Tara xx

Reply by Past Member, on Tue Jul 21, 2009 12:26 am

OK PJ. Here is what I think you and all of those hot young attractive folks on here should do.
Book a Spring Break or Mardi Gras vacation together. Hang out. Get to know each other. Drink too much. And go crazy on each other.
I have perused the profiles. Lord ya'll are HOT as hell! Shag each other for pete's sake.
Then post on here a big "WOOOO HOOOO!" Tell us how many beads you collected.
That's all the detail we need. We don't need this to become an erotica site.
Hugs!

Reply by Past Member, on Sat Jul 25, 2009 12:00 am

Hi Psychojane. I've had my ostomy since I was 16 and have dated lots since then. I was told by one guy I dated that "it's part of the package". Not long after that I broke up with him (lol) but that phrase has always stuck with me and makes me feel great. There's so much more to you than the surgery. If your mom/father/sister/brother had the surgery, would it make you think any less of them or love them any less? No.
I admit dating is difficult and you always wonder what they're going to think but most people are accepting of it. I think you'll be surprised. Honestly I have never covered mine up, wore anything to hide or protect it (except for a really nice garterbelt and stockings I have) when I'm with a guy and have never had any complaints or comments. I'm single right now and loving it. When the right guy comes along, you'll know and he'll love you for who you are.

Reply by adhd90, on Sun Jul 26, 2009 9:49 pm

Well, I've really enjoyed reading this comments, and PsychoJane, trust me the right one will come along and you'll know it and you won't have to feel anything but thankful and full of joy.
I didn't realize there were so many that thought the same, I know I think it could be a most freeing situation if two ostomates were together. Neither would have to feel less than, and both could feel the sense of freedom and relief that so many of us want. It is a shame that so many "perfect" people are so limited in their thought process and their perception of what makes a person who they are. Make me think I had rather have a bag than a broken mind. PsychoJane, there are no guarantees, only opportunities.

Reply by Past Member, on Thu Jul 30, 2009 3:20 am

adhd90 wrote:

WOW! .... What a powerful line!! I must remember this. You are SO right adhd90 !!

Reply by Past Member, on Thu Jul 30, 2009 3:29 pm

adhd90 wrote:

Make me think I had rather have a bag than a broken mind.

I'm not a big Bible quoter but there is a lovely passage that says, "do not fear those who can kill the body but cannot kill the soul"

My body is scarred no doubt about it. My mind, spirit, and soul continue to regenerate.

Reply by Past Member, on Fri Jul 31, 2009 8:57 am

My bf and i have been together for almost 7 yrs. i watched him go through complete agony for the 1st 3 yrs and he has had an ostomy for the last four years. i would rather he kept the bag than go through the reversal surgery. i don't have a problem at all with his bag. i'm a little surprised to hear that anyone had a problem w someone they were already married to. i've always thought, you shouldn't be with someone unless you would stick by them no matter what might happen to them.. otherwise you are fooling them into thinking you are truly filled with love for them and you are wasting their time when they could find the real thing. Are we forever? i don't know. We are actually having problems completely unrelated to his ostomy. Most people are VERY SHALLOW and if they didn't have a problem w your ostomy they would have a problem with something else sooner or later. People that are overly concerned with the cover of the book have a problem themselves and are obviously lacking in spiritual character and stregnth in their own minds. i would suggest finding your center. Maybe study tantric sex or something. Do not focus on your exterior (hard for all of us in this conceited world) and have faith that someone will come along who sees the light inside you. i am not religious at all. i believe what's in my own heart and i wanted to express that there are people out there who are capable of love. On a whole other note, having spent hours on the internet researching the colon and the RAW DIET, i came to the conclustion that my bf is prob A LOT cleaner than most ppl walking around w worms and tiny monsters in their system. Ppl walk around with pounds of poo inside them due to SAD (standard american diet), so don't feel dirty or weird. Most ppl are dirty and weird and do not even know it. Bless.

Reply by beatrice, on Sun Jan 17, 2010 3:48 pm

Great post!

Reply by Jax, on Fri Jan 29, 2010 6:42 am

I thought I knew my husband too, but I didn't... Even though I had nursed him when he had Severe Hypertension... Sorry to agree with you, but I think being in a relationship with another bag person would be better for me!

JAx

Reply by Past Member, on Fri Jan 29, 2010 10:59 am

Perhaps it is laziness on my part, but I too would prefer to be involved with someone with a bag.  Why?  Because I do not want to have to explain/teach someone all the ups and downs of having a bag/Chrons. etc.   I am so used to it now - that it has become a part of me - a small part.  I am much more than this bag hanging there.    And I think someone in a similar situation - well we know there would not be rejection (which I fear).  The relationship would be one of total understanding from the onset.

I am currently chatting with someone that has a bag.  And let me tell you  - I feel great about it!  We have so much in common - aside from the bag.  It allows me to get to the fun part of a relationship without the fear running in the background.  It allows me to be who I really am.  It truly is a freeing experience.

Perhaps there are some local ostomy groups for you to attend.  You never know who you may meet there.  You are young .. someone worthy of you will come into your life at some point.  You may have to weed through to find the right one .It will happen for you.  Best of luck!

Reply by wookie2005, on Sat Jul 31, 2010 2:39 am

Hi There Jane,

I know where your coming from with everything, i am only 22 and i found out the week after my birthday that i had cancer within the large bowel. My Fiance was with me when we found out the news and i cried and so did he, i didnt know what to think nor did i know what he thought about what was going to happen to me, would he still love me even if i have this bag attached to my stomach? I went and told my parents and dad called a family meeting so my sisters could find out, yes we all cried and so forth, and dad went upto my fiance and said "what do you think about whats going to happen" he replied " I love her for who she is, not what she is going to have" He knew that i was sick and that i had Crohnes and UC, we just didnt know that it would come to this so quickly. But he has been by my side the entire time, i had emergency surgery 2 weeks before my scheduled op as i was very ill, and he spent that night i was in ED with me and even the night before my op and night after, he wasnt leaving me alone when a life changing operation had just happened. He is really good he helps me cut my bags to fit my stoma, and we are now even starting to plan a family.

I really hope that you find someone as good as that, we all deserve to be treated like Prince's or Princesses.

If you ever need to vent again im all ears, as there are times when i need to as well:)

Take Care:)

Reply by jeffhucko, on Tue Aug 17, 2010 5:02 pm

Well reading some of the comments it seems that men have a problem with women having ostemies but the same can be said about women. I was married for 15 years and had my ileostomy in 2001. Went in for surgery to have a blockage removed woke up 2 months later with an ileostomy. My wife has a hard time being intimate in anyway since then and doesn't want to talk about it either.

Reply by Ashima, on Tue Aug 17, 2010 5:37 pm

Sex with the blind! What a concept. Made me laugh so hard. Thank you for the laugh. I haven't met anyone since my surgery and sure hope to. Like the rest of this crowd, the idea of being sexually active with a plastic belly accessory is definitely worrisome. Yet, if he is too superficial to accept that this is part of what life has given me, he doesn't deserve to be a casual friend, much less a lover. I'm not interested in casual sex so I'm just hoping to meet a man who loves me, bag and all.

Reply by mizconfuzion82, on Mon May 02, 2011 1:02 pm

Wow, it's great to see other younger punk rock type girls out there living with this! Dating is such hell! On top of normal worries about compatibility we get to deal with this, yay? LOL
I flat out avoided sex and recently started wearing a maternity belly band that covers up and works well with any outfit. Give it a try! I've noticed that when I'm comfortable, so are the people around me. Best of luck! I know it's rough out there these days, work on forming a solid foundation and try dating those who know someone with similar conditions, you'd be surprised how many ppl have a cousin, uncle, dad with Crohns...Lastly, keep dating! I know it's tempting to become a hermit but eventually it will work out for you! My fiancee and newborn son are living proof! Stay strong! =)

Reply by mooza, on Wed May 04, 2011 7:12 pm

haha tara love the racoon hahahah

well keep ya t -shirt on maybe

r we taking one nite stand sorry was thinking bout me 4 a second hehe yeah its a hard one too answer i dont have the answer or i would not be in here i would be shagging while writing this

dammm i really am not sure . Maybe i should have read all the posts i tend too just jump in on the topics sorry xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx hey tara i will jump in a chat soon cheers mooza

oh tara has good advise heheheheheheh

Reply by Past Member, on Fri May 06, 2011 12:42 pm

wow.

now that's quite a bump.

Reply by Past Member, on Sat May 07, 2011 11:22 pm

I am new to this website, and I do have to say this is great to not feel so alone anymore. I have had an ostomy for over 4 years now. It was emergency surgery and I was told that it was temporary for about 3-6 months. That was how I coped with everything, and recently it all started creeping up on me. I was dating my high school sweetheart when I had my surgery. We had been together for 10 years and have a kid together. However, when you go through something like this you realize who people really are. I don't ever talk about my health problems with anyone, and I was hoping to meet people on here that may be able to help me finally accept my condition and this damn bag despite all the rejection I have gone through. It's wierd I'm not an emotional person and don't like to talk about emotional stuff at all. But it is easier on the computer LOL. "The asshole filter" is so true! That was freaken hilarious!!! I love to crack jokes with my family that know about my ostomy, but I didn't think of that one. hahaha

Reply by Past Member, on Sat May 07, 2011 11:30 pm

WAB...where can I get these stretch wraps in skin tone colors? I have checked into irrigation but with crohns disease and already being in the situation I am in due to perforation, my ostomy nurse said she didn't feel it would be safe for me at all. I have looked into stoma caps, but haven't had any luck getting samples to try. My ostomy nurse also thinks this would be a bad idea to wear with crohns. Could end up with an embarrasing mess. From what I have seen though they only come in one piece. And I use the 2 piece pouching system. Has anyone else tried stoma caps? Or if you have any other tips on how to hid these wonderful bags at least during sex I am all up for listening! I thought I was good at hiding stuff, but you have some good ideas WAB. Thanks for sharing!!! Smile

Reply by ballpeen, on Fri May 13, 2011 5:28 pm

wab

thanks for the solid useful, information. this is what this site should also be about. ANSWERS

Reply by lottagelady, on Fri May 13, 2011 6:12 pm

Here is a UK site - am sure there will bsimilar across the pond - or just use or make a "boob tube"!
Rach xx

http://www.stomawear.uk.com/womens-shallow-waistbands/

Reply by Past Member, on Sat May 14, 2011 9:17 pm

Nifty...I like that. Thanks lottagelady! Smile

I just need to Vent!

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