Is it just me or is it hard to convince ourselves that the surgery has not played a part in the choice of someone to go with someone else rather than you, eh...?
Lol. Really... 24 years old, trying to live my life fully... as I wish I could, lol. Well, I think I do pretty well... but is it just me that feels like I can't be a beast with someone who is just not aware of my situation, eh? I mean, I am pretty impressed. Most people deal well with it and won't make you feel bad or whatnot about it... At the least, it's been the case for me most of the time. But for fuck's sake, I don't know about you, but it's hard to be 100% on a first night with someone who doesn't know about it... I mean, my mind spends way more time focusing on the possible reactions than actually having fun.... (am I alone doing that). Anyway...
Am I the only one to have issues taking people's word when they tell you it has nothing to do with it but that they kinda avoid you after... I mean... it's a first for me on that. And it makes me straight mad, lol.... ARGH! I guess that's why I was avoiding what could look like a superficial person at all costs... I guess I should have listened to myself again on that one.
I know, that post is quite random, but I had to.... don't think anyone is in a better position than you all to understand that. On a positive note, life is good even with those shit. Let's be happy!
Hi Jane
I understand your frustration totally. Most people are naive and just don't understand what an ostomy is. I too have had the same experience a long time ago. And this was my childhood sweetheart. We dated on and off for three years. The first time we were intimate, we made love half-naked because I held back. I finally admitted to her what I had, and she said she already knew. Well, anyway, the next time we were together, I did not hold back, and we were together the entire evening, and she dumped me the next day. The only advice I can give you is to be upfront with whoever you are with. If they can't accept you the way you are, then they're not worth it. The other alternative is to find someone nice on this site that will understand what you're going through. The most important thing is to enjoy life because you got a second chance.
Bobby
This is a remarkable community of 40,966 members.
You will get real advice from fellow ostomates who truly understand you - things you won't find in the books.
And it's not all about ostomy - there is friendship and relationships too.
Privacy is very important - your profile is not visible to the outside world.
Doe1mama
My husband's ostomy nurse recommended the site two years ago. The help and recommendations they have given us is invaluable.
Jane,
I understand completely what you are saying. My wife, who was with me through the whole process of losing my colon and other failed surgeries, has recently revealed that she has a problem with my ostomy. I have come to think that I would be much better off with someone who either has an ostomy or has been through something serious. I thought I knew my wife, but don't know what to think now.
Learn how to care for your loved one, while still taking care of yourself.
Sweet PsychoJane, hello girl! You sweetie pie you, you are not at all in this alone. I was given my ostomy at the age of ten and I'll turn 43 in August ....so I've had many situations much like what you are describing. I think Tarababy once put it best, forgive me I won't be able to quote her exactly but she said something like, "watch the boys separate from the men" and she is SO right!! I will also quote WAB here as well, he once said, "you did not lose anything.........those who care stick with you......" ...yet another very accurate statement.
Once your potential friend or lover discovers the ostomy, you see who they really are ......and if they don't accept it, well, kick them to the curb baby! You are young and beautiful and there is a sea full of wonderful people in this world and you can pick and choose dear.
Thank you for your answers, support, and all. I am so grateful we have that community. Really, I can tell and retell what happens to me to my friends, but it seems like it never feels the same way as being understood by people like you all who actually know what I am talking about. I have grown up telling my mother for the longest time that this bag was an "asshole" filter lol... I mean, I understand some people can't cope with it, and it's their right too, but I am sure you get the idea haha.
How to Manage Emotions with LeeAnne Hayden | Hollister
Thank you Wounded Doe for quoting me..........
....ahh and Psycho Jane..hang in there..there are solutions....... here 11 years now with a colostomy..at first well.....we all hate the fact we have been put in this situation.............and fear rejection.......it does happen..so I looked for solutions......being a man I looked for a way I could sort of mask the fact..I had a colostomy........However, I was up front in telling anyone.....however..I came up with the idea of using a tuxedo cummerbund...........to cover the bag..........it works and looks great......and they come in all colors....and are in silk......
and I also know there is a company out there making stretch wraps in skin tones which will hide anything......I bought 2.....pale skin tone.....stretchy......both sexes.......
also for those with a colostomy and those who are a candidate..I started to irrigate and this was a lifesaver and changed my life completely..........I never have to worry anymore .....bag is always empty....and I control the situation............check with your nurse if you are a candidate....( colostomy)
I wish you well......but one thing I can tell you......we all adapt and quite well....it is when the situation is new that we think too much about it........good people who are happy with your personality and who you are............. are out there.......they will not give it a second thought......
believe me.......
Ya know what!
To hell with them that can't handle what we've got!
What we have is such a small drop in a big ocean!
And to the men/women who can't accept our cosmetic flaw, a big fat up yours!
It makes me laugh, these people that can't handle our condition. Their biggest flaw is they are assholes, and that is far more off-putting than a bag that saved our lives!
They are missing out on compassionate, caring, loving, forgiving people. And if they want to be with a piece of arm candy who is "perfect," then good luck to them, 'cause no one is perfect. I hope the losers that reject us end up with a nightmare of a woman/man who is a complete pain to be with in the name of perfection! Lol, I sound very bitter, haha! But no wonder when we are surrounded by shallow people! Jane, don't give up hope. You are just meeting the wrong people. But I tell ya what, exude your confidence and tell yourself that these men are lucky you even gave them the time of day. You are a gorgeous young woman, and those losers should think themselves lucky to have even breathed the same air in the vicinity of yourself! We have such an advantage of sniffing out the rats and escaping with only a bruised ego rather than a broken heart! xx
I have been a member of this community for almost a year but only became active in it this past week. Guess it was easier to just shelve this stuff away and not deal...
Since this is a community that we discuss the color of our poop, I'm sure I won't be judged for the explicit nature of this response.
When it comes to casual sex with a short-term partner (if not a one-nighter) I have had no issues with disguising my pouch. Dim lighting to keep him from exploring too much in the light, corsets, waist cinchers, and other lingerie have been an instrumental strategy of mine for many years now. I even use a small tube top that makes sure that I am in control of where things go and what gets taken off.
However, when dating someone who is a viable relationship candidate, I hit a wall. They think it odd that I don't want to jump in the shower with them before or afterward or go skinny dipping with them even though I have a decent body. It has bewildered them. I usually peace out when things get that intimate. I just can't go there. There are three confused men out there who will never know why I REALLY ended it.
However, and yes, it's ok to laugh. From 2004 - 2006, I had a great romance with a legally blind man for two years. FREEDOM!!! He only felt what I let him feel and used my waist cincher. He just thought it was my hernia belt and was fine with it. Fun times.
Volunteer with the blind. There are some hotties there!
Hi PsychoJane
My husband has had a colostomy for the last 5 years due to colon cancer. We were newly married when we got it. It was a big shock at first, like the day the surgeon came out and told me they were not going to be able to piece him back together, but I accepted it that day and moved on. I don't see the colostomy when I look at him and it does not factor into what I think of him. He's still the same person, I see him exactly the same. I honestly don't even notice it. It helps that he is a super positive person who has remained confident, so there are a lot fewer issues. Like if I reject him for sex, he takes it in stride and does not assume it's due to the colostomy when I am just too tired. That makes a big difference.
Anyway, I just wanted to say it's possible for someone without an ostomy to love the person you are so much that it won't even matter.
I hope you find the same.
Also, my best friend has alopecia. Basically, she has been bald since she was 7 and all our lives, she has had to tell new boyfriends that she was bald and wearing a wig. To tell you the truth, most of them found a way to dump her very quickly after. After a while, she met the love of her life and he didn't care at all. She is now happily married with kids.
Good luck
V.
Learn the results of our ostomy sleep survey.
OK PJ. Here is what I think you and all of those hot young attractive folks on here should do.
Book a Spring Break or Mardi Gras vacation together. Hang out. Get to know each other. Drink too much. And go crazy on each other.
I have perused the profiles. Lord y'all are HOT as hell! Shag each other for Pete's sake.
Then post on here a big "WOOOO HOOOO!" Tell us how many beads you collected.
That's all the detail we need. We don't need this to become an erotica site.
Hugs!
Hi Psychojane. I've had my ostomy since I was 16 and have dated lots since then. I was told by one guy I dated that "it's part of the package". Not long after that, I broke up with him (lol) but that phrase has always stuck with me and makes me feel great. There's so much more to you than the surgery. If your mom/father/sister/brother had the surgery, would it make you think any less of them or love them any less? No.
I admit dating is difficult and you always wonder what they're going to think, but most people are accepting of it. I think you'll be surprised. Honestly, I have never covered mine up, wore anything to hide or protect it (except for a really nice garter belt and stockings I have) when I'm with a guy and have never had any complaints or comments. I'm single right now and loving it. When the right guy comes along, you'll know and he'll love you for who you are.
Well, I've really enjoyed reading these comments, and PsychoJane, trust me, the right one will come along and you'll know it, and you won't have to feel anything but thankful and full of joy.
I didn't realize there were so many that thought the same. I know I think it could be a most freeing situation if two ostomates were together. Neither would have to feel less than, and both could feel the sense of freedom and relief that so many of us want. It is a shame that so many "perfect" people are so limited in their thought process and their perception of what makes a person who they are. It makes me think I'd rather have a bag than a broken mind. PsychoJane, there are no guarantees, only opportunities.
My body is scarred, no doubt about it. My mind, spirit, and soul continue to regenerate.
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 7 years. I watched him go through complete agony for the first 3 years, and he has had an ostomy for the last four years. I would rather he kept the bag than go through the reversal surgery. I don't have a problem at all with his bag. I'm a little surprised to hear that anyone had a problem with someone they were already married to. I've always thought, you shouldn't be with someone unless you would stick by them no matter what might happen to them.. otherwise you are fooling them into thinking you are truly filled with love for them and you are wasting their time when they could find the real thing. Are we forever? I don't know. We are actually having problems completely unrelated to his ostomy. Most people are very shallow, and if they didn't have a problem with your ostomy, they would have a problem with something else sooner or later. People that are overly concerned with the cover of the book have a problem themselves and are obviously lacking in spiritual character and strength in their own minds. I would suggest finding your center. Maybe study tantric sex or something. Do not focus on your exterior (hard for all of us in this conceited world) and have faith that someone will come along who sees the light inside you. I am not religious at all. I believe what's in my own heart, and I wanted to express that there are people out there who are capable of love. On a whole other note, having spent hours on the internet researching the colon and the raw diet, I came to the conclusion that my boyfriend is probably a lot cleaner than most people walking around with worms and tiny monsters in their system. People walk around with pounds of poo inside them due to SAD (Standard American Diet), so don't feel dirty or weird. Most people are dirty and weird and do not even know it. Bless.
I thought I knew my husband too, but I didn't... Even though I had nursed him when he had severe hypertension... Sorry to agree with you, but I think being in a relationship with another bad person would be better for me!
Jax
Perhaps it is laziness on my part, but I too would prefer to be involved with someone with a bag. Why? Because I do not want to have to explain/teach someone all the ups and downs of having a bag/Chrons, etc. I am so used to it now - that it has become a part of me - a small part. I am much more than this bag hanging there. And I think someone in a similar situation - well, we know there would not be rejection (which I fear). The relationship would be one of total understanding from the onset.
I am currently chatting with someone that has a bag. And let me tell you - I feel great about it! We have so much in common - aside from the bag. It allows me to get to the fun part of a relationship without the fear running in the background. It allows me to be who I really am. It truly is a freeing experience.
Perhaps there are some local ostomy groups for you to attend. You never know who you may meet there. You are young... someone worthy of you will come into your life at some point. You may have to weed through to find the right one. It will happen for you. Best of luck!
Hi there Jane,
I know where you're coming from with everything. I am only 22, and I found out the week after my birthday that I had cancer within the large bowel. My fiance was with me when we found out the news, and I cried, and so did he. I didn't know what to think, nor did I know what he thought about what was going to happen to me. Would he still love me even if I have this bag attached to my stomach? I went and told my parents, and Dad called a family meeting so my sisters could find out. Yes, we all cried and so forth, and Dad went up to my fiance and said, "What do you think about what's going to happen?" He replied, "I love her for who she is, not what she is going to have." He knew that I was sick and that I had Crohn's and UC. We just didn't know that it would come to this so quickly. But he has been by my side the entire time. I had emergency surgery two weeks before my scheduled operation as I was very ill, and he spent that night I was in the ED with me and even the night before my operation and the night after. He wasn't leaving me alone when a life-changing operation had just happened. He is really good. He helps me cut my bags to fit my stoma, and we are now even starting to plan a family.
I really hope that you find someone as good as that. We all deserve to be treated like princes or princesses.
If you ever need to vent again, I'm all ears, as there are times when I need to as well. :)
Take care. :)
Well, reading some of the comments, it seems that men have a problem with women having ostomies, but the same can be said about women. I was married for 15 years and had my ileostomy in 2001. I went in for surgery to have a blockage removed, woke up 2 months later with an ileostomy. My wife has a hard time being intimate in any way since then and doesn't want to talk about it either.
Sex with the blind! What a concept. Made me laugh so hard. Thank you for the laugh. I haven't met anyone since my surgery and sure hope to. Like the rest of this crowd, the idea of being sexually active with a plastic belly accessory is definitely worrisome. Yet, if he is too superficial to accept that this is part of what life has given me, he doesn't deserve to be a casual friend, much less a lover. I'm not interested in casual sex so I'm just hoping to meet a man who loves me, bag and all.
Wow, it's great to see other younger punk rock type girls out there living with this! Dating is such hell! On top of normal worries about compatibility, we get to deal with this, yay? LOL
I flat out avoided sex and recently started wearing a maternity belly band that covers up and works well with any outfit. Give it a try! I've noticed that when I'm comfortable, so are the people around me. Best of luck! I know it's rough out there these days, work on forming a solid foundation and try dating those who know someone with similar conditions, you'd be surprised how many people have a cousin, uncle, dad with Crohn's... Lastly, keep dating! I know it's tempting to become a hermit but eventually it will work out for you! My fiancee and newborn son are living proof! Stay strong! =)
Haha, Tara, love the raccoon! Hahahah, well, keep your t-shirt on. Maybe we are taking one night stand. Sorry, I was thinking about myself for a second. Hehe, yeah, it's a hard one to answer. I don't have the answer, or I would not be in here. I would be shagging while writing this. Dammm, I really am not sure. Maybe I should have read all the posts. I tend to just jump in on the topics. Sorry. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx. Hey Tara, I will jump in a chat soon. Cheers, Mooza. Oh, Tara has good advice. Heheheheheheh.
I am new to this website, and I do have to say this is great to not feel so alone anymore. I have had an ostomy for over 4 years now. It was emergency surgery and I was told that it was temporary for about 3-6 months. That was how I coped with everything, and recently it all started creeping up on me. I was dating my high school sweetheart when I had my surgery. We had been together for 10 years and have a kid together. However, when you go through something like this you realize who people really are. I don't ever talk about my health problems with anyone, and I was hoping to meet people on here that may be able to help me finally accept my condition and this damn bag despite all the rejection I have gone through. It's weird I'm not an emotional person and don't like to talk about emotional stuff at all. But it is easier on the computer LOL. "The asshole filter" is so true! That was freaking hilarious!!! I love to crack jokes with my family that know about my ostomy, but I didn't think of that one. hahaha
WAB...where can I get these stretch wraps in skin tone colors? I have checked into irrigation but with Crohn's disease and already being in the situation I am in due to perforation, my ostomy nurse said she didn't feel it would be safe for me at all. I have looked into stoma caps, but haven't had any luck getting samples to try. My ostomy nurse also thinks this would be a bad idea to wear with Crohn's. Could end up with an embarrassing mess. From what I have seen though, they only come in one piece. And I use the 2-piece pouching system. Has anyone else tried stoma caps? Or if you have any other tips on how to hide these wonderful bags at least during sex, I am all up for listening! I thought I was good at hiding stuff, but you have some good ideas WAB. Thanks for sharing!!!
Wab
Thanks for the solid, useful information. This is what this site should also be about. Answers