Feeling Sorry for Myself, But Only for a Moment

I am feeling sorry for myself today, but I can only allow myself a few minutes to wallow as I have 2 young kids depending on me and cannot afford to melt down. Usually, we do great, but my husband's intentional blockages and hospital trips really trigger an onrush of sorrow and anxiety.

-I am tired of dealing with my husband's colostomy, intestinal blockages, and trips to the hospital today.
I know we are so much better off than so many people, simply to be functional and alive, but still.
-Tired of the constant insecurity and unpredictability
-Tired of the little surprises and always having it at the back of your mind
-Sick of late-night anxiety attacks
-Tired of worrying about all the sick days being taken and if this will affect having a job and being able to provide for our family
-Tired of being scared of getting close to people because they just don't understand what we deal with on a regular basis.
-Tired of physical limitations
-Tired of being consumed with guilt and worried about how this is all going to affect my kids one day and what kind of issues they will get from having a daddy that is often and suddenly sick, resulting in canceled plans
-Tired of having cancer hanging over our heads
-Tired of people being tactful and never asking
-Tired of people telling me about how fortunate we are to have survived
-Tired of secrets

Sigh. Okay, I feel better now. Back to work.

I've been having a few days like that too... I broke something that was dear to me by being stupid and doing something I knew I wasn't really capable of doing without help. That brought back to me how I used to be, and although I usually manage quite well with all my lovely ailments, it just brought me to tears, and I've felt like that now for a couple of days. Today, I've had a flat tire, but fortunately, I have managed to get home on a temporary repair. What joys will tomorrow bring apart from a trip to KwikFit? Hopefully, I will have snapped out of it and will be back to my ebullient self, but days of pain and restless nights with poor sleep eventually take their toll. It does help writing this though!

Dear VIK .... you are not "feeling sorry for yourself" ... that is not the case at all. (hug) You might want to refer to it as "therapeutic venting", which is by far more accurate, honey....and it is quite OK to do so!
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In fact, it not only, hopefully, helps you to be able to write it down and post it ... you are demonstrating positive and productive problem-solving awareness skills by doing so.......but in turn, you also help others as well by posting these things......others can read this and see that they are not alone, swimming in the same sea of issues....and you have helped them break down some of their issues and concerns as well. Posts like yours are very valuable and important. You are valuable and important. Never cut yourself down or dishonor yourself or belittle your feelings by stating things like "feeling sorry for yourself." Negative and realistic problems affect us, that's a fact ........ I do hope you are feeling better and have stronger energies today to deal with these things....if not, drop me a line if you wish and you can bend my ear
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Tell us how we can help you if you need us.
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~ Much Love From Your Wounded Doe

This kinda goes in a cycle. Easier for some to handle than others. I just try to take it one day at a time.

Vik, I'm so glad you wrote this and yet I'm so sorry you had to...I'll be thinking of you and your family.  Another reason that I am very glad you wrote this list is that people forget how these severe illnesses and their consequences affect more than just the person that's sick.  All these things weigh heavily on the care taker whether that be a spouse or parent or child.  Cancer happens to everyone that loves the person who's fighting it. It is a huge burden to carry as you walk through this difficult time in your life.  But you ARE walking through it and I applaud you for that.  You and your family will get to the other side of this one day.  If you can keep from it, try not to worry about what the other side is going to look like.  The anxiety of imagining it will just overwhelm you.
love, Lisa

Words of Encouragement from Ostomy Advocates I Hollister

To Vik
Well, to be honest, be thankful there are people here on this site that you can relate to and vent what you need to say, and they will understand and try to comfort you to the best they can, and you don't have to be put on drugs to cope with things.
When all you need is good friends and people that will give their best knowledge on listening and not telling you that you shouldn't feel that way, and everyone needs a helping ear. You don't have to see a dumbass doctor to tell you the same thing. There are lots of people that deal with stress and worry way differently than others can.
Just remember, talking to someone is better than holding it in.
One of the best things I got taught was nothing can bother you unless you let it, no matter what is said, it's still up to you.
The best advice would be, I hope you have a good ear that just will listen and not say anything; venting helps.
Good luck and many wishes to your family.

You are a wonderful person. You are teaching your children that in real life there are many trials. Taking them one day at a time seems to help. They are learning that being married is a commitment, through good and bad times. You are giving them the hope that if they (God forbid) become ill, their spouses will stand by them, and they are learning to be compassionate. You are showing them how to be brave and giving them the tools to face life with. Never doubt yourself; having a husband who is ill may postpone some of the fun things in life, but they have a life with their dad and would not trade him for a trip to Disneyland. You are doing a great job, and most of us wish we had spouses that would have stood by us. May the Lord bless you, Faith.

VIK, I work with a lot of vets with PTSD who have extreme anxiety and anxiety attacks. You might talk to your doctor about Hydroxyzine Pamoate in 50 mg capsules. The formula is very close to a decongestant. It works well for anxiety and is about as safe as you can get for a drug. It is not habit-forming, can be taken long term, and usually is. It will take a lot of the edge off the anxiety.

Rick.....