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I am distressed

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Sun Sep 22, 2013 11:43 am
History:

I was diagnosed for UC in January 2011 - underwent partial collectomy in August 2011 - opted for "J Pouch" in February 2012 - Underwent J Pouch reversal surgery in January, 2013. I have recovered completely and am a "Stomite" as we speak.
My wife was by my side all through out the roller coaster ride and over the last 3 years. We love each other.

Problem:

The physical relashionship aspect of our married life, did take a hit. However I am back to reasonabaly good levels of performance and have been resonsive since the past few months. However and unfortunately - it appears that my wife does not find me attractive any more and is keeping away on the pretext that her libido levels have gone down.

I believe that the appliance is not a good sight and she is not physically attracted to me any more. Futher, I feel i am not meeting her expectation levels. I am not getting youger - any ways

Expectations from my friendly Somites:

please do advise as to what should I do - going forward. How do I handle this situation?
Mon Sep 23, 2013 8:54 am
I was married for many years, and if you want my advice you guys should have a really frank discussion.  If the appliance is truly what is putting her off, just hide it.  Although WHY it would put anyone off is beyond me, it's a freaking pouch.  Big deal.  If it were my partner that this happened to, I wouldn't care.  I understand that not everyone probably feels that way though.  So what I would do if I were in your situation is just buy a few wraps.  They go around your waist and have a pocket on the inside you tuck your pouch into.  You can't see the pouch or your scars.  Men's wraps are available on the internet for about $25 a pop.  BOOM.  Problem solved   Well, in theory lol
Wed Sep 25, 2013 10:58 am
Hey there Nazum,

Maybe here libido has changed..women are complicated emotional creatures, and perhaps your illnes and surgery has dampened her need to be physical with you!

I'd hide the pouch - seeing or smelling a pouch must be off putting .. and then, Id gradually try to get closer, with cuddling , embracing , intimacy etc  without the aim of intercourse.. can you get some books about psychosexual techniques? There is loads of information out there, and plenty of ways to rebuild the bond that you once had.
Wed Sep 25, 2013 2:35 pm
Hi Violet,

Many thanks for your views. Undoubtedly its a case of loss of physical attractiveness and understanbaly so. I've tried it all - from keeping the pouch as clean as clean can be, to the fragrance facilitators as also wrappers etc.

I am in the process of taking outside help as in a psycologist. Unfortunately, one is neither trained to face a Tsunami  nor its aftermath. Unconditional love is indeed a rarity and understanbaly so. The desase has tought me to never say die and am optimistic. love could triumph.

i have not been able to access all the views - only the ones which have been recieved as a message. Do keep providing me with your valuable inputs.

God bless

Nazum
Wed Sep 25, 2013 4:42 pm
Nazum,
I am glad to hear that you are recovering well. As for your wife's libido, I am assuming that she is not too much younger than you. If so, she is right in the range of menopause and her libido is DEFINITELY being affected. Just as you do, she needs understanding and if possible some help. I know that I , myself, bottomed out and really went through a tough time until I got some bioidentical hormones. NOT THE REGULAR ONES...they are dangerous. They helped me get my sense of self back as well as libido, energy, mood, sleep, end of hot flashes, etc. Men go through this too and you are also right in that range. It's called Andropause. I suggest getting both your hormone levels checked. I can suggest what to read about it if you are interested. Being in India, they may be Ayurvedic alternatives as well.
Stress can exacerbate or provoke these issues so be gentle and patient with each other in the process.
All the best,
Lisbett
Wed Sep 25, 2013 4:45 pm
                                 
Nazum wrote:


Problem:

- it appears that my wife does not find me attractive any more and is keeping away on the pretext that her libido levels have gone down.


Well could it be true? Does she need to see a doctor? How is she feeling? Maybe she is exhausted and in need of some pampering.....
How about once she is checked out and the okay sign is given you have a weekend away together, maybe something romantic. Could even be local.....a hotel, hot tub, massage, champagne....

Sometimes it's not where you go but how you get there~
Sun Sep 29, 2013 10:59 am
Many thanks to 348 people who responded with thier views. Please do not laugh when i say that I do not know how to access these views and it is my loss. I have sent a mail to the administrator for help and am waiting for a reply.

Cheers!!!

Nazum
Sun Sep 29, 2013 11:00 am
Many thanks to 348 people who responded with thier views. Please do not laugh when i say that I do not know how to access these views and it is my loss. I have sent a mail to the administrator for help and am waiting for a reply.

Cheers!!!

Nazum
Sun Sep 29, 2013 2:06 pm
                                 
Nazum wrote:
Many thanks to 348 people who responded with thier views. Please do not laugh when i say that I do not know how to access these views and it is my loss. . .


Hi Nazum ~ 348 people have viewed (views) your post, but only 7 have left a comment (replies) as of this point in time — many people look but don't comment.
Mon Sep 30, 2013 9:42 pm
Nazum - I really feel for you.  While I've not had your particular problem, I did experience my husband of 26 years leaving me for lack of sexual activity and he found a woman who was extremely sexually active.  Hence they married and he just passed away 1 year ago October 1st.  Unfortunately, I think there are lots of people who give up on a partner due to illness...nobody seems to take marriage vows seriously any more, i.e., "in sickness and in health".  He had always had ulcerative colitis and made it very clear he'd rather die than wear a bag.  Well oddly, I was the one ending up with the bag due to a ruptured colon while I was in the hospital for something else.  He died right before I got the bag towards the end of October.  I have no doubt that he would have left me because of that if the other had not already happened.  He was the love of my life and he did admit to me when I was very ill last year that he made a mistake and still loved me.  I just hope he went where I hope he went and I'll see him again in heaven.  I've never wanted another man in my life.  I will keep you and your wife in my prayers.
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