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Young gay guy with ostomy scared of future

Fri Oct 18, 2013 9:31 am
"MeetAnOstoMate is the best website for people with an Ostomy. So much understanding. Everyone should join."
I am 28 and gay with an ostomy bag. I feel like the only one, even though I know there must be others, I don't know any. I am concerned that I won't be able to find anyone who will date me because I have a bag. The possibility of ending up alone scares and depresses me. I truly want a partner and family one day and I just feel that people may discount what I have to offer simply because of my ostomy bag.
Fri Oct 18, 2013 11:14 am
I often have the same feelings as yourself. I have had relationships but they have never really amounted to anything even though I wanted them to. I now feel as though I a destined to be single for the rest of my life. I'm not sure whether that is my own insecurity allowing me to believe that. I am certain that there are people who will accept us stoma and all. I sure you will find your Mr Right one day.xx
MeetAnOstoMate - 27,789 members
Fri Oct 18, 2013 12:49 pm
I'm sorry you haven't found your Mr. Right yet, but when you do and they accept your stoma and that you have a kid, you will know you found a gem.

I thought it was scary to come out with crohn's but crohn's & the ostomy is a whole new bag of chips. I know sex will be different too and that a partner will need to accept some limitations.

I think you are right and there are people out there but the question is are they most of the other qualifications we seek in a partner. I am not picky but I don't want to settle on things like values, personality and some physical attributes that are important to me. I just don't want to invest in someone only to get hurt when they find out. I also don't want to advertise myself as the ostomy guy on dating sites because I think I'll never get a date.
Sat Oct 19, 2013 1:08 am
I'm sure I will find my Knight one day and  try to remain optimistic. And yes you are right if he accepts my stoma and my son then I know I have found the right one. That said my son and I come as  a package, although my son lives with both his mum's. I co parent with a gay female couple.
Mon Oct 21, 2013 5:22 pm
Hello  your not alone my freind , there is im sure alot of us out here looking for that right person and its a big struggle for sure . It my not happen right away but when you least expect it someone could come along . Your still a young guy and just keep your chin up keep busy and it will happen . Leave a message anytime im here for you Terry Smile
Mon Oct 21, 2013 8:06 pm
To be honest I'm afraid to even date. I just don't think any guy could find me physically appealing with a pouch especially my high output one. I don't even know how I would broach the topic that I have a pouch and can't have some intimate activities.
Mon Oct 21, 2013 9:28 pm
Honestly, gay or straight is not the issue. Being secure in yourself is. Go about getting strong with your own inner self and values and all will fall into place eventually. Practicing gratitude for all that is good in your life is VERY powerful and will change your whole outlook as well as attract more to be grateful for. The universe will send you what you focus on. Grievances or gratitude. Your choice. Think of your life as a bowl. If it is full of grievances, there will be no room for the good stuff to get in.
Allllll the best!!
Lisbett
Tue Oct 22, 2013 5:56 am
We have had to deal with all the changes in our lives gay our straight and in the gay world it allways seams to begin from the waste down but there are good guys out there that will see you for you i havent found that one yet but you need to keep strong and love yourself again and it will happen im sure Terry
Tue Oct 22, 2013 6:33 am
Hey, with time you will look at things differently. The pouch will become just a minor inconvenience and less of a one you will see. There are a lot of good people out there and you will meet one of them. Just give it some time. Most of all, do not withdraw from life. You have too much to give and receive.

X_
Wed Oct 23, 2013 11:12 pm
Hi All,  

I'm replying to TJames and Crohns guy.....but this is really for everyone.... Gay, straight, ostomy.....bald....short, fat,  tall, blond, brown or red head....  

Viking has the right idea....   It's the way we feel about ourselves that is the most important part of "acceptance".

  How and when to tell is a personal choice, but after the "greater world" knowing about me as a child....I decided I wanted anonymity....

Eventually,   I married a man who had an ostomy, and while we had that in common, we had little else and the marriage fell apart.    

My ostomy was never an issue for me...when dating.

I was more upset and insecure, about  my scarred up body ( stretchmarks)  stretched out breasts ( from a back brace I had to wear), and my overall appearance.....since I was overweight.  

It was easy enough to hide the ostomy under clothes....even bathing suits.... but the other issues plagued me throughout life.

It's only now, that I'm 65, and still dating, that I have a better sense of self, and self esteem, that get's me through the "reveal".  

It's not always easy, but if I really like someone, then after one or two dates, I tell....   sometimes it's too soon, sometimes it matters, and othertimes it doesn't.  

One guy was really accepting....and we dated for awhile, but I was amused at his question....    He wanted to know if I could still have "anal" sex.   Duh....I haven't had an anus since I was 19.......so the best way to answer was to "let him feel".  His reply was ....Hmmm   I guess not...   I try to rely on Humor....Humor and more humor.  

I was dating another guy for awhile, told him about my surgery.....and he didn't seem to have an issue with it....   He asked to "see", and I accomodated....   Thought all was well, until I gurgled, and it seems that was the "deal breaker for him".   Didn't get that....It was ok for him to fart....from behind, but I couldn't.....    such is life....

Best of luck to all of you out there trying to connect....   Have kess many frogs......and haven't met my prince yet....but I try to remain optomistic...
Thu Oct 24, 2013 6:31 am
Immarsh,

That was a wonderful reply. Thank you.

X_
Sat Oct 26, 2013 10:08 am
Thanks Immarsh for your reassuring words, much appreciated. I am certain I will find my Mr Right one day. I think my negativity comes from previous rejections and my confidence has taken a bit of a knock. That said I know that not every two people are the same and one day I will find somone who can see beyond the stoma to the love I have to give. Cheers again.xx
Tue Oct 29, 2013 12:36 am
Thank you all for your replies and words of encouragement. I think its true that self acceptance is critical and that brings on confidence. I think partners often find confidence to be a sexy attribute and reassuring. It's just all new and frightening, I haven't even had the energy to go on a date yet but I hope I meet someone caring who won't judge me for my bag.

Immarsh as for noises, there are those stiflers that may help.
Tue Oct 29, 2013 11:34 pm
I would like to add another thought to this conversation. There is actually a blessing to be found in this new chapter of our lives. The "Universe" has brought this unusual challenge to our lives and has demanded that we grow in many ways to become richer, more compassionate people, understanding of others, more tolerant yet less tolerant of intolerance, kinder to ourselves and hopefully others, more mindful of our well being, and less focused on physical appearances...to name a few. The kind of person we will finally meet that will step up and see us for who we really are, will in many cases be a deeper kinder kind of person than we may have attracted before. Don't you think?
Wed Oct 30, 2013 1:04 am
When I was back in school a Jesuit teacher, no less, theorized that we should all be born with a large "G" imprinted on our foreheads reminding us that we have a continuous obligation to "grow" through all our experiences and become better persons. Vikinga has similarly invited us to grow in many ways and become people that matter. Our adjustment to ostomy life can indeed open doors and challenges to each of us far beyond all expectations. What may appear as one man's burden is often another man's passport to a life worth living. Think about it.
   PB
Sun Nov 03, 2013 8:57 am
I definitely think that by virtue of our experience, we are more likely to draw a more genuine and compassionate person to our lives. That being said, how the heck do you find that special person in a world full of jerks Smile
Sun Nov 03, 2013 9:23 am
When you find the answer buddy let me know, jerks seems to be all I attract lately!
Sat Nov 09, 2013 3:17 pm

Dear crohnsguy84, there are people out there who will love and accept and want to be wth you just as you are.



Last edited by txess on Mon Nov 17, 2014 1:34 am; edited 1 time in total

Sat Nov 09, 2013 4:16 pm
                                 
Crohnsguy84 wrote:
I definitely think that by virtue of our experience, we are more likely to draw a more genuine and compassionate person to our lives. That being said, how the heck do you find that special person in a world full of jerks Smile


one's stoma is also known as a jerk detector.
Sat Nov 09, 2013 5:03 pm
I wish I could say that was true, but sadly I've met some jerkasaurases who weren't turned off in any way by the bag. People who are jerkasaurases in many other ways, may not be about the bag. Don't count on it being a jerk detector. I found that out the hard way.

                                 
Quote:
one's stoma is also known as a jerk detector.
Mon Nov 11, 2013 3:52 pm
I don't know any others either, not personally anyway. I've had an ostomy all my life but I still feel down at times. Trust me... YOU ARE MOST CERTAINLY NOT THE ONLY ONE*

Sat Nov 16, 2013 12:37 am
                                 
txess wrote:
I wish I could say that was true, but sadly I've met some jerkasaurases who weren't turned off in any way by the bag. People who are jerkasaurases in many other ways, may not be about the bag. Don't count on it being a jerk detector. I found that out the hard way.



I have been repeating what others have said about one's stoma. I am sorry you got hurt.
Sun Nov 17, 2013 7:37 pm
I use to get hurt as a child more cos no one wanted to be my friend. The 2 reactions I always got were either SYMPATHY or DISGUST & nothing else. I thought I was. destined to spend the rest of my life alone! But I was so WRONG. I told Jay about both my bags just 2 days after meeting him. I'd invited him to watch dvds at my flat & he started to move his hands to cuddle me, one hand reached my stomach & I knew he'd feel them. I went into the spare room where I kept all my clean bags & up to that very second I had no idea how I would break the news but then it hit me! I picked up one of my clean bags & hid it behind my back 'til I got.in the room. I told him to brace himself, then I placed the bag in his hand & said "Do you know what that is?" He said ",Ah..One of them bags..? I said "Yes % I have to wear them. His immediate response was "SO WHAT!?!" I couldn't believe it. Then I said "I Don't just have 1, I have 2.." Once again he said "DO WHAT!!?
Mon Nov 18, 2013 2:37 am
Honest direct people are in such short supply in today's world. If you find one, never let him or her go.
   PB
Mon Nov 18, 2013 10:20 am
txess I am happy to hear the stoma largely did not affect your romantic life but I think its probably a little different for lesbians. Among my lesbian friends, they are more open minded whereas many gay men are more critical of body image. I know there are good people out there but its nerve wrecking thinking about the possibility of rejection.
Mon Nov 18, 2013 12:07 pm
To Chronesguy84, You're right in that the reactions/responses of men & women are quite different. Although I found that (even though the tone may lean toward 'disgust') MEN are more likely to give the more honest response. Whereas the majority of women will try to give a reaction they feel you wanna hear. But if you reveal the big Stoma secret (s) the way I did with my husband then, I 100% guarantee you will get a truly HONEST ANSWER!!!
Mon Nov 18, 2013 12:22 pm
txess, I'm a big believer in UNIVERSAL JERKINESS. Men/Women, Young/Old, ANY Country, Race & Religion etc. Anyone from Anywhere has the potential to be a jerk (or a heartless, brain-dead twat). IT TAKES MORE EFFORT TO BE NICE & LIKE SOMEONE THAN IT DOES TO DISLIKE THEM*
Thu Nov 21, 2013 3:56 am
Hello, I know this is a guys site, but I had to jump in and say we woman have the same experiences that you do.  I personally thing you may have it a bit easier to just explain the the back door is closes everything else works above average,  I am sure there are guys out there that would love love, so keep looking  Us females have to listen to much more of what we can do and how than you do.  I dated three guys pretty close todether and felt an obligation to inform of my colostomy  This joker assumed so many thing that coudn;t be done and walked away.  I have shyed away and dated a guy with an ileo and believe it or not neith one of us noticed we had anything different.  I was just glad to see it could be done but he is married and will stay that way for awhile anyway.  Dom;t give up on the bag   LOL     Joyce
Sun Nov 24, 2013 3:02 pm
Actually my back door is open but not sure if it would be safe to swing the door open so to speak!
Fri Feb 14, 2014 4:50 am
I've had a stoma since I was 2 days old and at the age of 50 this year I am in a civil partnership with a wonderful husband of 17 years. You can have the life you want if you want it enough and the fact you have a stoma will be no real barrier. It might take you down a path you didn't expect but that isn't always a bad thing. As with anyone, I would say focus on the other things in your life and before you know it you will find yourself with someone who is the one for you and who doesn't care about the stoma etc. And yes, I was told that years ago and scoffed at it. How wrong was I? Have faith in yourself as a person who matters and deserves the same as stoma-less person.
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