Husband's Depression: Seeking Advice on Supporting Him Through My Surgery

Yes, my subject line is correct. Although I am quite depressed about my new situation (ileostomy), what has happened has been that my husband has had a terrible time dealing with it all. Leading up to the surgery, he was "the strong one" constantly reminding me "we can handle this together". I don't think he truly understood what a huge change in our life this would be, and he is definitely struggling with depression right now. He tries so hard each day to be supportive, but I can tell it's hard on him seeing me in so much pain and being so unhappy (I'm only 3 weeks post-op). Have any of you run into this with your significant other? Any advice?

Hi Tudibird~

I don't know the reason you received your ileostomy, but I do know that it must have been because it was the best thing to do for your body. In your profile, you say you may be a candidate for reversal....that sounds hopeful.

Of course, it is no easy task to have gone through such a physical change, but if you both look at it for what it is, then maybe you both can come to terms with it. It hasn't changed who you are, it just rearranged things for now. Depression is normal after major surgery; it takes time to adjust, one day at a time, or even one hour. Do not think it is anyone's fault and don't second guess what has already been done. Celebrate the small steps; you guys CAN handle this.

No, it won't be all peaches and cream, but whose life is???? You will learn the best way to take care of your ileostomy, and your hubby can feel secure that you will be good as new. Some of us feel we are even better now than before we got our stoma. I think once you are feeling better about things, your husband will too. Keep asking questions, do some research here and other places if you haven't already. Know many are in your shoes, and we will do our best to help and give support.

Keep the Faith

Hi there...just want to say that Mrs. A is right on...great response...before I go further in answer to one of your previous posts...the anal discharge you referred to is usually a ruddy red/brown color. A couple of causes...if you had ulcerative colitis bleeding leading to the ileostomy, then most likely there is still a bit of disease still active in the rectal stump...secondly, the colon is, for lack of a better description, a porous membrane. It takes moisture from the stool and brings it back into the body. That's why those with an ileo have a much more liquid output than someone with a colostomy, i.e., the colon is no longer there performing its function. And while the small bowel does some of that function, its primary function is to move nutrients from the food to the body.

With respect to depression associated with this issue...if you see your circumstance as a glass half empty, then you are going to have it tough. However, if it's a glass half full, and you are truly grateful for the relief the ileo has brought you, then rather than fighting the obvious, you will embrace it and learn to enjoy all you have control over. Acceptance is crucial. By doing so, you will learn about how to properly manage the ostomy through the challenges. I can think of several common diseases I would rather not have, diabetes being one, than dealing with my permanent ileo. Knowledge is the key to understanding. Understanding relieves fear. Without fear, you can get on with living. One more point...don't rush to a reversal. Let yourself heal, get to handle this situation first, then move to the next step as reversals can have their own issues...and above all, listen to your inner self. Don't let doctors rush you...All the best...one day at a time !!!!

Thank you, Mrs. A and Scotiaman. You both gave very wise advice. I am going to work a little harder on "accepting" my current situation and do need to remind myself more often that things could be a lot worse. Actually, I am doing better now with my ileostomy than prior to my surgery. Before surgery, I spent most days curled up in pain or in the hospital. I will work more on taking it one day at a time. I must be honest though, one thing that keeps bringing me down is my new diet. I'm on the low residue diet and find it very boring and tasteless. I am hoping things will improve as I heal? I will also heed your advice and not rush the reversal. My body definitely needs time to heal. Thanks again for the input.

Prior to my colostomy, I was sick every day. I would either have bad days or even worse bad days. My wife and I just relocated out of the big city to semi-retire in a country setting with a plan to visit family more often. As I became even more ill, all I could do most days was medicate and sleep. I was irritable, angry, unpredictable, and unmotivated. Our relationship situation at this point was, to say the least, "stressed". Prior to the actual surgical procedure, we talked about what the future may offer and we agreed it couldn't get any worse. Funny, we didn't talk about how great it might be.... At this point, I had a momentary sober vision where I realized I was a user. I consistently used my wife to help absorb my pain and sorrow. She was like a dry sponge soaking up all my cries for help with no outlet for her to vent her feelings without what she thought would display weakness. Without realizing it, her strength was actually her weakness. After the surgery, I continued to depend on her to absorb my sorry existence until she actually broke down under the pressures that I alone had created. I truly didn't know or begin to recognize how my sickness was negatively affecting her daily life. She finally shared with me that she had talked with her sister and explained the entire drama. My point...a spouse must have a safe place to vent. Strength is not measured by being silent. As time heals most everything, eventually an Ostomate stops feeling sorry for themselves and begins to live again. Those we love the most will start to heal along with us. Take care,

Kolan

Hello tudibird.   First of all thanks for sharing your thoughts on the effects your situation is having on your husband. Being consumed with our own problems sometimes leaves us with little space to consider the effects it has on those closest to us.  One of the triggers for depression is when there are situations that cannot be ‘fixed' by in the usual ‘practical' sense. Indeed it was this very thing that first started me writing rhyming verse.  I was employed as a ‘fixer' of people's social and emotional problems. However, there were occasions when there was nothing that could be done to ‘fix' things. This is when I would take what people were saying  and translate it concept by concept into rhyming verse and give it back to them – acknowledging that there was nothing else I could think of doing that could put things right.  Because the verses reflected precisely what they had related to me – it clearly indicated that I had listened very intently to what they had said and had understood the feelings and meanings behind the words. It also indicated that I ‘cared' about them and their situation enough to do ‘something' for them.  Interestingly, the process of  allowing them to vent; listening intently; valuing what they were saying; producing a rhyming verse and giving it back to them actually helped them to move along in their perception of their own circumstances to a more positive and dynamic approach.   Some of my verses have been written for and on behalf of those people who ‘care' for others and find themselves in that position of not knowing what to do to ‘fix' the problems.   The more they ‘care', the more distressing the lack of practical ‘fixing-ability' becomes.  What I usually allude to in the verses is that element which comes with ‘caring' and needs no ‘practical' input at all.  It is to do with being ‘there' and having a relationship where you can care for each other in difficult circumstances.  It sounds as though you and your husband have achieved such a relationship and that will no doubt eventually see you through the worst of circumstances.

Best wishes Bill  



xmlo/o

@ Kolan - I definitely hear you. My husband does need "a place to vent". I encouraged him to find a support group that perhaps he could talk to the way I do here because this site has helped me tremendously and I'd be lost without all of you. I also need to learn to accept my new situation and stop feeling sorry for myself. I am working on this. @ Bill - you also hit it right on the head. My husband wants to be the "fixer" and I think he went into this thinking he could "fix me" and make everything better. Now that the surgery is over, it has been hard for him to accept he cannot "fix me" and I think it depresses him when he sees that there are some things he just can't fix. We are definitely a work in progress. Thank you both for such great feedback. Keep it coming.

Hello tudibird,  Yours is a great post that has stimulated me to pen a rhyming verse on the subject of Mr. Fixit.  I am no different to a lot of men who wish to please people by trying to put right that which is broken, so the verse is as much about me as it is about others.  However, I hope you like the sentiment.



MISTER FIXIT.



There's not a lot that I can't fix

with things involving mechanics.

I'm pretty fair at D.I.Y.

and dare to give most things a try.



I tend to be methodical

meticulous and logical.

I'll think the problem through and then

use expertise and acumen.



I'm purposeful and tactical

with anything that's practical.

I've a flair for innovation

and I'm there for renovation.



Many troubles I have tended

many problems I have mended.

And my confidence has grown

with what I've done and what I've known.



I like to be put to the test

so I can show I do my best

and no matter how involved

it's great when problems are resolved.



There's nothing I like better than

to execute a well-laid plan.

Using devices to progress

towards the prize of true success.



Mending things when they are broken

is like a present or a token

done by someone for another

like to a friend or a lover.



I've seen the problems that life brings

and I've been good at fixing things.

But when those things are of the heart

I hardly know where I should start.



                                                B. Withers 2013

Bill, that was fabulous and brought a smile to my face. I had to share it with my husband, and it also brought a smile and a grin to his face. Thanks so much for sharing it with us. Keep on rhyming :)

Hello tudibird.  Thanks so much for your comments and I'm pleased that your husband liked it as well.  It is me that should be thanking you for providing the concept as a stimulus to my versification. In fact I managed to squeeze two complete verses from this one subject so I should be thanking you twice!  I won't post the second one entitled 'Missed a fix it' as it is more to do with my other field of study on emotionally unstable people, than it is directly to do with your post. Nonetheless, I'm always on the lookout for suitable subjects to versify even if I sometimes get a bit side-tracked in presentation of the concepts so I do feel grateful for your input.

Best wishes

Bill

I reach for all the information I can find on this site. I have had a problem getting anything in the way of answers about anything. I live in a pretty small town and the surgeon is about 40 miles from me. I am the only ileostomy patient that my family doctor has had, so she is not up on it. I had a really bad time afterwards and ended up in the hospital here 3 times, and I am also dealing with adhesions causing a lot of pain now. My doctor is going to send me to a pain clinic to help me. I am 79 years old, so they really don't want to do any more surgery. I would like to find out what everyone eats, especially when you want a snack. My main everyday diet is mainly my surgeon said no nuts, no fresh fruit, or fresh veggies and [I love salads] no lettuce. He said everything I eat has to be cooked. I would love to hear from anyone about your diet!!! Thanks!

Hey Bill, I share your opinion of tudibird's post.  As for your "MISTER FIXIT", you outdid yourself with this one.  I've been a fan, though silent because, as "beauty is in the eye of the beholder", so compliments can be meaningless if the complimenter isn't qualified to judge.  I'm learning and I think I know a little about the language and feel somewhat "qualified" to accurately evaluate.  Please accept my offering as follows: Your work is beautiful.  Besides that, I think you're a humble man, certainly bright, a good person and we're blessed to have you share with us. Thank you.

Sincerely,

Michael  A

This line of comments is excellent -- all of you hang on and I am so pleased that this was opened by tudibird. He will get this under control and please encourage him to talk to others - I did find that covering all of the bag etc with the stretchy band by Ostomy Secrets is awesome -- in that it makes your body look more normal/natural -- and that may help him.

Well, you can make him less depressed by getting over your own depression. He's probably a sensitive, compassionate man who hates to see you suffer. That's a good man.

When I got my colostomy, my ex made my adult kids hate him by saying, "Why'd she have that stupid operation? She knows better than that. I had a cousin who committed suicide rather than have a colostomy."

Of course, the kids all thought he was a jerk because I had it to save MY LIFE, and it has nothing to do with him. If we were together and he was depressed about the ostomy, I'd imagine it would only be because he'd be stuck having to touch a woman who isn't physically perfect. And to the man with that attitude, I'd say, "To hell with you."

I assume that's not your husband's issue. But if it is, you may tell him to love you or leave you. (And DON'T be heartbroken if he leaves.) I'm happy to state that it is WONDERFUL not having a spouse like my former husband. I ADORE being alone. My kids are around much, even perhaps more than I need them to be, and nobody minds my having a colostomy.

I did mind it for a very long time, especially on those rare but memorable occasions when there was more going into the bag than the bag had capacity to hold.

But now those memorable tales are being told in my book "Anal Cancer is Really Sh*tty." The subtitle: "A Colostomy's Not a Catastrophe, But it WILL Provide Many Opportunities to Have One."

Perhaps it will help you and your husband to laugh more concerning this new and unwelcome change in your lives. Yes, it's a horror. But everyone needs a little comic relief now and then.

I'm writing as fast as I can. I should have it ready soon. Message me if you want me to let you know when it's available for download on Kindle or for purchase in paperback.

My wife has had times when it upsets her, but most of the time she has been a rock. Basically, she knows if I hadn't had this operation, I wouldn't be here now.
I have had my ileostomy for just over a year, and you can tell your husband that it will get easier, but life can never be the same as before.

Alan.

Although I want to read the book -- but...... I don't think in this situation that your husband got this far and will give you up-- unless his personality is pure control. It is like a PTSD issue in that all this anxiety, fear, and care is over from one stage and the next starts without a chance to get your head around it -- for the patient it is one deal but the spouse or other family members it is a whole different bunch of emotions, panic, care, sensitivity -- it is not something a switch will turn off or on --- have faith and be positive.
Be the best you can be and let him know how much you love and care, but understand as well there will be some rough sledding. My grandson reminded me (age 7) that rainbows come after the rain not before!!

Having had an ileostomy for 40+ years now, and five revisions, I can look back at my young self having the original surgery and asking why I thought it would be something difficult to share, etc. It finally hit me long into this that the only thing that changed was I became healthier, but mostly the only change is that you go to the bathroom differently. Period.

Depression following surgery is perfectly normal, as is grieving for whatever it is you think you've lost. (Like no more bikinis.) Give yourself time to heal. Three weeks into recovery is about halfway there. Enjoy your newfound health. You'll soon be surprised at how well you're doing. I'm sure your husband will mirror your attitude.

You're a survivor! Celebrate!

Hey sweede0, it seems like you're looking for help and not having a lot of success.  I suggest you start a post specific to your situation.  If you start a topic entitled "Adhesions, pain, diet" I think you'll get a few people involved to help you get the answers you need.  Just write the same stuff you wrote here if you want to.  There are lots of folks wanting to help.

Mike

My husband had never known anyone with an ostomy before he met me, but to him it's as normal as brown hair or green eyes, etc... Tell your husband, if he'd like to talk to someone that's in the same position as him, then contact my husband.

Please consider contacting UOAA, support in Baltimore. You will get much help. Go to uoaa.org, look for support groups, and the local president's phone number, call him/her!
I have a permanent ileo, now approaching 7 years, no problem. With a reversal, you should look to the bright side. I hope the depression recedes, you're young and have a long life ahead of you!

Cheers,
CPK

I love Lilly's reply: We just go to the bathroom differently. I like that and will use it! In fact, we ostomates are probably more "pristine" than "normal" folks. It does take time to get used to for you and for that man that loves you. This is my 12th year being an ostomate. Now I can't remember what life was like before. Hang in there...it gets better and easier!
Red-haired girl

Thank you all for your continued support. I have shared some of the replies with my husband, and I think he is beginning to understand that we will get through this (one day at a time). As Ewesful's grandson so eloquently said, "Rainbows come after the rain, not before".

I have never known a way of life other than one of an ostomate*

Hi Tudibird! Late to answer... so many great responses.

I (ileo Dec '09, protectomy Nov '11) am also happily married. My hubby did not experience what your man is going through... but I have to say I was prepared for it.

I may be generalizing... but I truly think that men are way more visual creatures than women when it comes to the visual showing the status of things. What they see is what is. (Ok, all you dear sensitive types, don't hate on me... you know what I mean).

They have been told/read/heard that the operation saved our lives. They see that we aren't curled in pain any longer. But visually... there is the constant reminder (poo bag on belly) that life has changed big time. And really, no matter how good life becomes, the bag can be a drag.

So although they KNOW that we are better/have had our lives saved... in the back of their minds, their beautiful wife has been visually changed.

Also... for sexy time. Do you think that is a worry for him? As soon as you are feeling up to intimacy... have no fear... everything works like before. I have a little skin-colored tube top thing that I put over the bag to hold it in place and 'cover' it a bit. Works. Also a little hand-made heart cover (can give you the online link if you like) that is pretty.

Much love to you both.

Tudlbird, I constantly tell my husband to seek out other people in his position because, though he has no issue/problem regarding my bags, he would find it so great to talk to others in a similar situation (just as we ostomates find/give support via this site). As well as many other Ostomy Support Groups.

@ Beatrice - You are so right in your analysis. I think my husband sees that I am no longer in chronic pain, but he does see this major change to my physique. I also think my own depression over this ileostomy hasn't helped. I'm working on a more positive attitude.

@wise2stoma - I, too, encourage my husband to speak to other people in his position. He did go with me to the local support group, but honestly, the meeting was pretty lousy. I find I get much better support on this site. Wish they had ones for significant others.

Shallow people.

Are you in the Dayton, OH area or close? We have a wonderful support group that meets every 2nd Tuesday. I'm not allowed to give my name or web address because of the rules.

However, please go to www.uoaa.org, select support groups, and call one of us!

We can help!

CPK

I am 10 months post-op as of Monday and so excited to say that my ileostomy is so much easier - again my grandson came up with a good one -- he said so innocently tonight (while we await a big snowstorm here in NH) that I have it lucky. "When we go snowshoeing tomorrow I can use your bag and go out all day!!" I laughed and agreed it really has wonderful little benefits. He is such a love and so determined I will not suffer from all the organs gone -- we are busy and he is very clear to people what it means "to be lucky like Gram" --

I wish you the very best and wish we were able to chat off-line!!
God bless -- and look for those awesome rainbows--