You are completely capable of enjoying the pleasure of intimacy in whatever way you find satisfying.
I think it might be an emotional response from your partner. It may not necessarily be because she is grossed out, she may be concerned that you could be hurt, or the bag could come away.
I would suggest that you sit down and have a very frank conversation and ask her what her concerns are and that you want her honesty and will not take personally anything that she has to say. This should reassure her that you are not just after sex but worried about her concerns or fears.
If she is grossed out or worried about the bag coming loose, then ask her if you could wrap yourself in ceran or glad wrap (the clear plastic on a roll that clings to itself). This will hold the bag secure and you could always wear a T shirt to cover it.
I am confident that if she is reassured that you won't come to any harm, and you wrap/cover up it won't be on display and she won't be so bothered by it.
Please try to understand her perspective and be patient but honest with each other.
I wish you well and good luck. Lorraine
|Since my opperation i have been told in very clear terms that there is going to be no sex for the duration of my bag.|
Any particular reason? If you cover up with a wrap or belt, then it's no different from her wearing lingerie. There certainly aren't any medical reasons to stop for that long.
For many of us, our ostomy gave us back our sex life, I know it did for me after 5 years of virtually no intimacy because of my illness.
Wishing you the best!
it is so easy to judge but it is not for any of us to pass judgement. You know your wife and your marriage and you obviously care for each other.
Just remember that you will be having the reversal and the old adage this too will pass.
I don't think any amount of cuddling or kisses will get you near the goal posts as women are driven in a different way, meaning we don't get aroused in the same way as a man, it is in (most women not all women) our minds and if she feels so strongly about it you may just have to take things in hand (pardon the pun).
But I wish you both all the very best for the future.
Its difficult for your wife to get her head around the change, but its worth trying to look more healthy and physical if you know what I mean.
All the best
* Certified Wound,Ostomy, Continence Nurse (CWOCN)
* Registered Nurse
* Bachelor of Science in Nursing
* Creator of the "Anatomical Apron"
Clinical Instructor for WCEI
I know that you know about the wraps, but I can honestly say since I hate the attachment I think I am more apt to be more sensitive about it then my wife. My sex life because of the damage the surgery caused to my nerves has made it impossible for me to get an errection without drugs which that itself takes away from the excitement for my wife since even though she excites me it doesn't show unless I take the drugs. Now taking it one step further I have MS which made it so the little blue pill wouldn't work so I have to use a shot to get an errection which really makes it harder to make things more natural.
I love my wife, but knowing how bad things were before my colostomy I think you are extremely lucky that you can get a reversal. Wraps work great and the chances of your bag falling off is very unlikely, but conquering that mental block I feel is something you have to deal with yourself. I am sure your wife doesn't like seeing it there, but if you can make things more appealing yourself I am sure you can get where you want to be in your relationship.
I know its difficult, but If you can act like the attachment isn't there then you can convince your wife things haven 't changed. I know you will get the reversal soon, but if I were you I would honestly go to someone in one of the mental fields I mentioned above since I am sure they could help you do things to keep your marriage together.
I am a little crazy since I can somehow find the funnier ways of things that happen to me even when My MS makes things even harder to deal with things. I am alive, and even though I cannot do the things I could when I was younger I just don't let things tear me apart mentally which I know sounds crazy
|I have completely lost all my sexual urges since I had my surgery|
Beat, I am reminded of the old 'post hoc, propter hoc' fallacy which argues that because two events occurred in succession, the former event caused the latter event. I suspect that there may be other factors at play here. Maybe you should consider counseling. Life is too short to waste going down blind alleys.
Since you had to relearn just about everything, Beat, I assume that you had to relearn intimacy as well. This could take time. Your doctor's advice about drinking beer then spreading your legs seems consistent with Neanderthal medical protocols. I am not impressed with the quality of the medical care you have received from the very beginning. If your insurance permits, you may want to have your medical/surgical history and records reviewed by a team of experts at some top university or renowned regional medical center. You have been through a lot and you and your husband deserve better.
Do not be anxious over anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication along with thanksgiving let your petitions be known to God and the peace of God that excels all thought will guard your hearts and your mental powers by means of Christ Jesus Phillipians 4:6&7. Plus:
Peace I leave with you; My [own] peace I now give and bequeath to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid. [Stop allowing yourselves to be agitated and disturbed; and do not permit yourselves to be fearful and intimidated and cowardly and unsettled.] (John 14:27 AMP)
Catttters, I am very moved that you have reached a place in your life where you can understand your lovely wife's feelings. She doesn't love you less, she is just very confused where the care and nursing part of her day has turned in to an Ooh baby moment.
I understand from a professional nursing standpoint that she had to be your nurse for a period of time. I personally have always discussed very frankly with my patients on discharge if they are able to manage the care themselves, I always say if you feel you can't for any reason, medically, physically or psychological reasons then to have a professional home care nurse visit and tend to the "business". I know this flies in the wind in today's society where health care costs are so high but especially for women the lines can become blurred over roles. I also say this for the reason that it carries over to the bedroom in most cases. I say this to women as well to get help but not from their husband for the same reason. Luckily my ever loving husband has lived with medical journals, papers, research and DVDs for skills maintenance so he thought it was a walk in the park compared to that. I have been guilty of having a medical text book open at the dinner table (yes I know I was wrong in every way) but sometimes to keep up you have to do what you have to do.
It will get better and as you said you are happy to have a wife who loves you and looks out for you, I'm sure that your intimate moments will return, so my freind and your lovely wife, well done and this will soon be but a memory. Lorraine