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What do men think?

Past Member
Posted by Past Member, on Mon Nov 19, 2007 8:46 pm
What do men think of women who tell them they are hooked up to a colostomy? I'm speaking mainly of those men who are potential dating partners.   How do I get up confidence to start dating again?  It's been over 2 years.
Reply by tarababy, on Fri Nov 30, 2007 3:44 am
Hello Taisie...my goodness girl!! Your gorgeous...why u think u would have a problem dating i'll never know..lol From experience i think they like a sense of humour as well as honesty and openness...even tho they may not recipricate all that quickly..lol sorry guys but u can be a bit slow on the up take..lol How i wear the things i do now is all from attitude...as long as u have acepted it...u will be fine..know what u want and go get it...I call it window shopping for mr right....so if mr right now comes along ...nothing wrong with" practice makes perfect"...ok so we have to re-arrange our clothes to fit now but hey it doesnt stop a good mini skirt and we all know how some guys like a nice pair of legs...Anyway i hope i have been a bit of help...what im trying to say is this--If a guy has to "think about it" or some stupid excuse--he's not worth ur time and effort"for-get-about-it"More fish in the sea..good luck..and be funny...at least then ur happy before u go anywhere..lol
Past Member
Reply by Past Member, on Fri Nov 30, 2007 7:44 pm
Tarababy,  You're quite awesome.  I wish I lived closer to you so you could show me some "moves" from back in the day when you were dancing.  That would be FUN!
Reply by tarababy, on Fri Nov 30, 2007 9:24 pm
hey thanks....I am so glad i have that as a memory...and boy what memories....i guess it has also helped with the "I DONT GIVE A SHIT ATTITUDE".Took me a couple of years to get it back,but now i tell the guys whats the go...Whatever you do--DONT LET STUPID PEOPLE GET YOY DOWN...just pat your tummy and tell them to kiss your butt...Have you name it yet? mine is Stanley the stoma..and so funny i met a guy with the same name and ended up telling him he was just like my Stanley--full of shit..lol...go get them girl..eat them up..but remember to spit the bone back out...hahahah..cya good luck let me know how you go.
Past Member
Reply by Past Member, on Sat Dec 01, 2007 1:13 am
Are you like that all the time?  No, I haven't named my stoma and I don't know if  I ever will.     We haven't made a love connection  yet...  
Keep up the cheery disposition and someday,  I'd like to hear some of those  "memories" you have.   Twisted Evil  Wink
Reply by tarababy, on Sat Dec 01, 2007 7:55 pm
Yes i am..but as i said it took a couple of years...now there is no holding back.Admitedly..my approach isnt for everyone.. even here im  looked at occassionally like im a sandwich short of a picnic or a few cents short of a dollar..but thank god im good on the 1 liners..i just throw it back at them...People who know me ,say its good to have me back...people who just meet me ..lololol...well lets say some arent too sure on how to take me...specially if i do the ostomate greeting...let stanley out of my pants ..and say hello..gee..u shoud see the looks,in the mean time my friends are trying to mop up their drinks they just sprayed everywhere..And ..this gets the guys...i say as im grabbing my crutch(bag) hey mines bigger than yours...well..id say u get the idea..but hey its funny..and they all take it well..even if i have to take the next hour trying to convince them that NO I DONT HAVE A PENIS....ahahaha.....Taisie u can  can do anything u put ur mind to sweetie..You will know when the time is right for "wink.Wink.Nudge .nudge"Just try maybe chatting to people on line--i found it a lot easier to practice telling people on here..then went public..chow baby...take care and good luck
Reply by celia55, on Sun Dec 09, 2007 12:51 pm

Hi i've ben reading all your answers but as yet you all seem to be sexually active,but!what do you tell a guy if you aren't sure how sex will be i know we can all find our own (non hurtful) position and even at my age i still find it hard to tell a guy that i have a colostomy and it seems worse if i find him handsome enough that i would love to go out with him and even hopefully let it lead to BED!!
If anyone has any answers let me know.
Take care
Celia xx Wink  Sad  Confused
Reply by tarababy, on Mon Dec 10, 2007 12:34 am
Hi there...sexual activity????mmmm...well not sure on the married ones...but any i have been with ..its a first for them...if u start with a conversation on how and when u got sick..it seems to flow from there...and it seems that any position is good as long as everyone knows..Even i cant handle missionary all that well..so dont be scared to try something different....And well guess u dont know how the sex will be till u try it..and if its got potential...and is trainable..(hehehehe)  get them back...i am finding the younger guys arent worried by it..where as the older  or same age guys ..dont want to know about it.. or still think its yuk....So all guys over 35...get ur act together...we are all human and  we all need some loving.So Celia if u have ur eye on a guy....go for it...coffee or a drink at the local is a good way to get started....DONT BE SCARED TO  TALK ABOUT IT--its who u r ......If we hide it ..how can we expect anyone to try and understand...and if he is interested ...he will appreciate ur honesty...Sic'em...lol ..Best of luck..hope all goes well for u
Reply by thisandthat33, on Tue Jan 22, 2008 9:04 pm
I don't think the fact that we have an ostomy is a big deal when it regards sex. Attraction should begin with the mind, and if you are honestly attracted to someones mind, the rest does not matter so very much. Personallity provails! Sure, physical attraction means something..... Nice smile, proportianed, etc. But if someone is shallow enough to let a little bag get in the way, then they do not deserve to be with us, hu!
Reply by erika, on Sat Feb 23, 2008 8:43 am
hi had my colostomy 3 years now it would be nice to think men go more for personality than whether or not we have a stoma at least im in my fifties , so things arent the same as when i was young.
Reply by tarababy, on Thu Feb 28, 2008 8:11 pm
Ok from experience...there r plenty of guys here in Australia who once they know u have a bag.....gone..and others that dont care...so both r right...I even had one who said he was ok with it.....till the time came for him to be close to me...bolted as fast as possible...did i care?..not one bit...he wasnt worth my energy to get cranky.Then there was the so-called best friend..a male..guess he was a bed-buddy before this..Stayed friends..thought the world of him for that..But one day he  let something slip...second time it happened...he got the idea that i wasnt his friend anymore...He finally showed his true colours..To him..having this was disgusting..but didnt he fool me for a while..so i will be very weary with anyone..I have seen firsthand(like most of u i'm sure) how people change towards u.Thats why the attitude..(wall gone up)..I dont care who knows i have one..They give me a hard time i give one back...lol.good luck everyone..Stay possitive.XX
Past Member
Reply by Past Member, on Thu May 22, 2008 7:02 pm
Hi--I'm new here and just couldn't resist getting a word in on this topic. I have had my ileo for 48 years and have been married three times and dated alot of guys. Not one of my husbands had an issue with the ostomy, in fact, they became more concerned with my health.  Very few of the men I dated cared either and if they did I sent them packing!! I guess it has to do with the way I handle it. This has been nearly my whole life and I have lived it like anyone else and don't have time for small minded people.  I don't like it that having a ostomy is seen as a negative disgusting thing--this is what saved my life--I am now 56 and have a married daughter and three grandchildren because of it--I wouldn't change a thing.  So don't worry about what someone will think, just be honest and when they see that you have accepted it, chances are they will too.
Reply by dcrazy, on Thu Jun 26, 2008 4:21 am
Well, do you want to hear from a guy, personally I consider myself a lesbian trapped in a man's body, man, thats an old one liner. For all those that took that seriously, I am Jokin. Anyway, I will admit, before I had this It might have been a little turn down for me. However, it depends. I use to talk to girls who had some problems, but it didnt bother me to much. If the girl was funny and was down to earth, I would talk. Sometimes you just gotta go out there. For me, I like a girl who has some confidence, and i think thats what ya need. Hey, maybe its not alot, but a little confidence wont hurt. If a girl honesty was funny, down to earth, and I was diggin, I woulda worked around it. Granted it would be new, so just like you have to get comfortable with it, so would a guy. So I wouldnt spring it on him like a spring chicken when its time to do......it. However, talk about it before hand, even if your just a little vague. Thats coming from how I probably would have been. Also, you can find ways, if your feeling less confident, to position things differently, so things wont interfere with certain positions.
Also, I am not sayin you have to be funny, its just some people have different qualities. If guys can go out and do......it, then I am sure women will as well.
Reply by tarababy, on Thu Jun 26, 2008 6:00 am
Well I cant speak for others but nothing wrong with getting intimate.Havent had much trouble as I am honest right from the start.I was amazed to find the younger guys wanting a piece of this as well.. Cool who am I to say no..lmao..Now I know I can,I dont want them.I have the one I want in my sights.And boy isnt he in for it when we meet..Its true that you have to be at peace with your situation before you venture out into the big wide world of human nature,well it was for me.And I feel for the people who think because of this... they have to be alone.So not true,get back on that bike, the peddles havent broken right off yet.And if you do break the peddle,well slow down a bit....your hitting it way too hard...good luck folks oh and to all the redheads out there...find each other and procreate...we are going extinct....cheers for now..Tarababy
_________________
hi ,i am an ileostomate with crohn's,was diagnosed in 2004.I now have a support group<NQGOLD(nth queensland general ostomy lifestyle discussions). Meeting some amazing people.
Reply by Rich, on Sun Jul 27, 2008 10:13 pm
Hey, Folks! I'm a guy who had a wife. She loved me as much with my ileostomy as B4. Now it's been a while and my situation is like yours, but reversed (duh). So I'm thinkin' along the lines of Tara and others : if I hook up with someone (which I 'm probably not ready for) and she can't handle it- then she wasn't rite for me. Some tips tho... I bought some support belts (sorry, don't know the maker) , they're tan and keep things neatly tucked away so that any position was good for me! If you think you might get lucky, have a lighter meal then normal (you can always hit the fridge when he's unconsious- tho eating late is NEVER a good idea). Don't be afraid to keep him waiting in anticipation while you freshen up, as an empty pouch is essential and a little tantilizing scent never hurts. Oh yeah
.... Maybe you'll find a great guy with his own stoma and you'll both be happy as clams. Believe me, there are still men out there that worship women with all thier flaws (which we all have!).  GOOD LUCK...RICH
Reply by ostomatesmate, on Sun Aug 03, 2008 4:06 pm
I love my wife very much and having a bag really doesnt phase me in the love making department..and in any case with our old favourite position I would see it anyway LOL

The problem is with my wife, not me..I have done all the things you ladies will suggest regarding reassurance..extra fass..show I love her and it all doesnt matter..sympathised etc etc...BUT heres the real problem (as she tells it) It hurts..it leaves her sore..she doesnt self lubricate and cant get a position where the bag doesnt distress her..We tried pillows, holding herslef up standng and doggy fashion..nothing works.

Any one make a suggestion about her being 'ready' in the lubrication department..she wont go to the doc and ownt buy oils/creams or the like (perhaps she just dont want to do it, who knows?)
Reply by tarababy, on Sun Aug 03, 2008 10:15 pm
Hi Ostomatesmates...you sound like a really good guy...You didnt say how long your wife has had the bag....if only new to 12mths,then she could be right with it hurting her,or a bit uncomfortable.But it seems  your last comment might be the case.I know as a female it made me feel very self-conscious and did hurt a bit till the 12..16mth mark...Now no position is impossible.As before in other posts I recommend whats called a bowl cover,they are plastic,but you can get them made in material.That way the bag isnt in sight,just tucked away.Not sure on the age either,but could be just hormonal....Or it could be she thinks its all over for her,as she probably doesnt feel too sexy.And all the understanding in the world mighnt help,just patience.
  Wish you the best of luck and hope she comes around for you both..take care Tarababy
Past Member
Reply by Past Member, on Tue Jul 20, 2010 9:08 pm
A href="A"ostomatesmate, I saw this was an older post, it is also very true that women go through a horrible time learning to love there bodies the way they once did before surgery.  The sad thing is they dont always know what your feeling no matter what you say.  Women need to know that you are also unsure of yourself and you would never want to hurt her, but yet you want to feel close and loved and I would bet she does also.  If you have a couch and your favorite lotion, you could say honey I have an idea, say honey what if you laid on the couch or even the side of the bed, it depends on what is comfortable.  Lift her leg up and tell her how beautiful she is and make sure she has her nighty on and maybe you could say honey can I at least look at a titty as I miss looking at your so wonderful body as no other women can do for me what you do.  Put lotion on her bent leg and she probably wont spit on her hand and you would need a lot, so also put lotion on her hand and have her use her two index finger close to where you are going as far in her leg as you can and make sure it is tight.  This sensation is like having her masterbate you and also having sex at the same time.  I know you will enjoy this and also so will your wife and she would have no reason to complain.  Heck you might get lucky and she might say honey I want to feel that hot hot white sperm all over my titty.  In time she is going to need to buy some gel and have sex as it isnt good for a women to just dry up, I would say on the average a women over 50 should have sex at least three to four times a week.  It is also very good for the man to have regular climaxes, very healthy.  No matter what I believe in Love and am a Hopless Romantic and I do really keep sex and love apart from each other or I dont think I could ever have a climax if I was thinking about love instead of just great sex.  I do have to love my man to give him my body in any way.  But we are all different and the truth is if more women could not think of sex as a security blanket or this is how I am loved, they might just find out how important they really are to themelves and there partners.  No man is looking for a needy women and the Good Lord knows that no women wants a needy man.  I just believe when you love someone anything is possible.  My Advise is to never give up and keep loving her until she understands you have these needs that also have to be met, God Bless You and good luck and I honestly hope you have a long beautiful and extremly fun sex life, Love Jenny
Past Member
Reply by Past Member, on Wed Jul 21, 2010 3:17 pm
What men really think, is kindness and compassion and not hurting innocent people or children.  So if you ever want to know how a man really thinks, ask someone who grew up with only men and I promise it was worth every second of my life to know how these men think and feel and love and care, mostly knowing how lonely they were and are, So I am so Blessed by this gift God has given me, cause most women have no idea of how men think and I am really Proud of that Special gift, Love Jenny
Past Member
Reply by Past Member, on Wed Jul 21, 2010 4:31 pm
A href="A"ostomatesmate, Hon if you are still n this site, I hope you got to read what I said as I pretty much know how to handle women and men.  I sware that had to be a God given gift, the Lord says to please our husbands and for our husbands to please us.  I just didnt figure we were going to have so many crossroads in life and see so many people not sure how they can deal with our new bodies.  It hasnt been easy on me either but I know how much I am loved and mine is only short lived, the last year seemed like an eternity, but I am so close to October that I am glad I had Michael, Brook and Jo Jo and some really kind people to help me handle the hardest parts of my life.  For me when I got home I didnt want to live, the sad thing is I wouldnt go to Illinois to visit my friend, or I would not have made it.  Michael, Brook and Jo Jo were the ones who made me realize how important my life was even though I changed my Living Will.  Anyway I do know this that you men love us even with our flaws the same as we love you with yours.  I think the one thing I learned from all of this is that it is so much better to talk to each other and tell how we feel, with Michael you dont have a choice, he pushed us in to talking and the crazy thing is, it worked and me and my close friend decided we did want to live and we were going to fight for our lives.  It's funny how a man on an Ostomy chat can make us look at ourselves like we never have before.  I dont know what every man thinks, I have been around some cruel ones to men like Michael and Brook and others who have been the kindest and nicest guys I ever knew.  I feel Blessed to even have learned more about what men think on this site and I really have.  I hope we stay friends and you know who I am talking about as we do get a long very well.  God has Blessed us so much by sending each other into each life.  Anyway was my time to thank my closest friends and thank them as I am really one day closer everyday to my own reversal.  I hope God is with you all and for the guy of the heading I sure hope the advice I gave you early helped with you and your wife, I have to call a order in right now, So have a good evening and God Bless you all, Jenny
Reply by teka444, on Wed Aug 28, 2013 9:12 am
Enjoyed reading your thoughts. I had my osteomy for over 3 yrs. reversed in feb of this year. Still would like to meet someone who has had or still has an ostomy.  I feel I would have and receive more compassion and understanding. I have had a relationship with one man but needless to say he bailed... I realize now what a vain man he was... Paying 100,s of dollars for  designers shirts in different colors which he then proceeded to send me daily pics of himself posing all serious like a cologne add.... It was so funny as his expression never changed...only the color of the shirt...   Anyway. When he saw my surgery scar and incisional hernia I still need to have fixed he went running away... One of those who need a trophy girlfriend to go with those hideous shirts.... Lol.  I am very compassionate and want to meet someone like myself who has or has had an osty.   Best wishes and thanks again for sharing your insights.  Your late wife was very lucky to have had you by her side.  God bless
Reply by christiesdad, on Thu Aug 29, 2013 10:11 pm
For you ladies.
If  you continue to get an attitude from some of  the guys about dating and eventually leading to sex,  try going to Craigs List dating site and see some of the attitudes that  the  women  have about guys.  Makes a guy feel like he has a stoma on his head.  By  the time she gets through her "I am not going to tolerate this and that", the poor guys are so intimated that they sometimes wish they hadn't even bothered.  Just borrow some of  their  attitudes.
Reply by Rhian, on Tue Dec 03, 2013 2:55 pm
In my last relationship, the guy had no problem at all, he knew about it before we dated, I wore sexy underwear, and all the time we were dating e never ever saw a glimpse of the bag, I hid it behind a pretty black satin wrap - he wasn't even aware it had leaked on one occasion! But the advice is the same as others have said: always empty before being intimate, have a light meal, and not too much alcohol...with me it makes it more active, but enjoy life, if you can accept it, then chances are he will accept it too
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