Dating with a Colostomy: Men's Perspective & Rebuilding Confidence

What do men think of women who tell them they are hooked up to a colostomy? I'm speaking mainly of those men who are potential dating partners. How do I get up confidence to start dating again? It's been over 2 years.

Hello Taisie...my goodness girl!! You're gorgeous...why do you think you would have a problem dating? I'll never know..lol From experience, I think they like a sense of humor as well as honesty and openness...even though they may not reciprocate all that quickly..lol Sorry guys, but you can be a bit slow on the uptake..lol How I wear the things I do now is all about attitude...as long as you have accepted it...you will be fine..know what you want and go get it...I call it window shopping for Mr. Right....so if Mr. Right Now comes along...nothing wrong with "practice makes perfect"...ok so we have to rearrange our clothes to fit now but hey, it doesn't stop a good mini skirt and we all know how some guys like a nice pair of legs...Anyway, I hope I have been a bit of help...what I'm trying to say is this--If a guy has to "think about it" or some stupid excuse--he's not worth your time and effort. "Forget about it." More fish in the sea..good luck..and be funny...at least then you're happy before you go anywhere..lol

Tarababy, you're quite awesome. I wish I lived closer to you so you could show me some "moves" from back in the day when you were dancing. That would be fun!

Hey thanks....I am so glad I have that as a memory...and boy what memories....I guess it has also helped with the "I don't give a shit attitude". Took me a couple of years to get it back, but now I tell the guys what's the go...Whatever you do--don't let stupid people get you down...just pat your tummy and tell them to kiss your butt...Have you named it yet? Mine is Stanley the stoma..and so funny I met a guy with the same name and ended up telling him he was just like my Stanley--full of shit..lol...go get them girl..eat them up..but remember to spit the bone back out...hahahah..cya good luck let me know how you go.

Are you like that all the time? No, I haven't named my stoma and I don't know if I ever will. We haven't made a love connection yet...
Keep up the cheery disposition and someday, I'd like to hear some of those "memories" you have.

Yes, I am.. but as I said, it took a couple of years... now there is no holding back. Admittedly.. my approach isn't for everyone.. even here I'm looked at occasionally like I'm a sandwich short of a picnic or a few cents short of a dollar.. but thank God I'm good on the 1 liners.. I just throw it back at them... People who know me, say it's good to have me back... people who just meet me.. lololol... well let's say some aren't too sure on how to take me... specially if I do the ostomate greeting... let Stanley out of my pants.. and say hello.. gee.. you should see the looks, in the meantime my friends are trying to mop up their drinks they just sprayed everywhere.. And.. this gets the guys... I say as I'm grabbing my crutch (bag) hey mine's bigger than yours... well.. I'd say you get the idea.. but hey it's funny.. and they all take it well.. even if I have to take the next hour trying to convince them that NO I DON'T HAVE A PENIS.... ahahaha..... Taisie, you can do anything you put your mind to, sweetie.. You will know when the time is right for "wink. Wink. Nudge. Nudge." Just try maybe chatting to people online--I found it a lot easier to practice telling people on here.. then went public.. chow baby... take care and good luck

Hi, I've been reading all your answers but as yet you all seem to be sexually active, but! What do you tell a guy if you aren't sure how sex will be? I know we can all find our own (non-hurtful) position, and even at my age, I still find it hard to tell a guy that I have a colostomy. It seems worse if I find him handsome enough that I would love to go out with him and even hopefully let it lead to BED!!
If anyone has any answers, let me know.
Take care.
Celia xx

Hi there...sexual activity? Mmm...well, not sure about the married ones...but any I have been with, it's a first for them...if you start with a conversation on how and when you got sick...it seems to flow from there...and it seems that any position is good as long as everyone knows...Even I can't handle missionary all that well...so don't be scared to try something different....And well, guess you don't know how the sex will be until you try it...and if it's got potential...and is trainable... (hehehehe) get them back...I am finding that the younger guys aren't worried by it...whereas the older or same age guys...don't want to know about it...or still think it's yuck....So all guys over 35...get your act together...we are all human and we all need some loving. So Celia, if you have your eye on a guy....go for it...coffee or a drink at the local is a good way to get started....DON'T BE SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT--it's who you are......If we hide it...how can we expect anyone to try and understand...and if he is interested...he will appreciate your honesty...Sic'em...lol...Best of luck...hope all goes well for you.

I don't think the fact that we have an ostomy is a big deal when it regards sex. Attraction should begin with the mind, and if you are honestly attracted to someone's mind, the rest does not matter so very much. Personality prevails! Sure, physical attraction means something..... Nice smile, proportioned, etc. But if someone is shallow enough to let a little bag get in the way, then they do not deserve to be with us, huh!

Hi, I've had my colostomy for 3 years now. It would be nice to think that men go more for personality than whether or not we have a stoma. At least I'm in my fifties, so things aren't the same as when I was young.

Ok from experience...there are plenty of guys here in Australia who, once they know you have a bag, are gone...and others that don't care...so both are right...I even had one who said he was okay with it...until the time came for him to be close to me...bolted as fast as possible...did I care?...not one bit...he wasn't worth my energy to get cranky. Then there was the so-called best friend...a male...guess he was a bed-buddy before this...Stayed friends...thought the world of him for that...But one day he let something slip...second time it happened...he got the idea that I wasn't his friend anymore...He finally showed his true colors...To him...having this was disgusting...but didn't he fool me for a while...so I will be very wary with anyone...I have seen firsthand (like most of you, I'm sure) how people change towards you. That's why the attitude... (wall gone up)...I don't care who knows I have one...They give me a hard time, I give one back...lol. Good luck everyone...Stay positive. XX

Hi--I'm new here and just couldn't resist getting a word in on this topic. I have had my ileo for 48 years and have been married three times and dated a lot of guys. Not one of my husbands had an issue with the ostomy, in fact, they became more concerned with my health. Very few of the men I dated cared either and if they did I sent them packing!! I guess it has to do with the way I handle it. This has been nearly my whole life and I have lived it like anyone else and don't have time for small-minded people. I don't like it that having an ostomy is seen as a negative, disgusting thing--this is what saved my life--I am now 56 and have a married daughter and three grandchildren because of it--I wouldn't change a thing. So don't worry about what someone will think, just be honest and when they see that you have accepted it, chances are they will too.

Well, do you want to hear from a guy? Personally, I consider myself a lesbian trapped in a man's body. Man, that's an old one-liner. For all those that took that seriously, I am joking. Anyway, I will admit, before I had this, it might have been a little turn down for me. However, it depends. I used to talk to girls who had some problems, but it didn't bother me too much. If the girl was funny and down to earth, I would talk. Sometimes you just gotta go out there. For me, I like a girl who has some confidence, and I think that's what you need. Hey, maybe it's not a lot, but a little confidence won't hurt. If a girl honestly was funny, down to earth, and I was digging her, I would have worked around it. Granted, it would be new, so just like you have to get comfortable with it, so would a guy. So I wouldn't spring it on him like a spring chicken when it's time to do... it. However, talk about it beforehand, even if you're just a little vague. That's coming from how I probably would have been. Also, you can find ways, if you're feeling less confident, to position things differently, so things won't interfere with certain positions.
Also, I am not saying you have to be funny. It's just some people have different qualities. If guys can go out and do... it, then I am sure women will as well.

Well, I can't speak for others but there's nothing wrong with getting intimate. I haven't had much trouble as I am honest right from the start. I was amazed to find the younger guys wanting a piece of this as well... who am I to say no... lmao... Now I know I can, I don't want them. I have the one I want in my sights. And boy, isn't he in for it when we meet. It's true that you have to be at peace with your situation before you venture out into the big wide world of human nature, well, it was for me. And I feel for the people who think because of this... they have to be alone. So not true, get back on that bike, the pedals haven't broken right off yet. And if you do break the pedal, well, slow down a bit... you're hitting it way too hard... good luck folks. Oh, and to all the redheads out there... find each other and procreate... we are going extinct... cheers for now... Tarababy

Hey, folks! I'm a guy who had a wife. She loved me as much with my ileostomy as before. Now it's been a while and my situation is like yours, but reversed (duh). So I'm thinking along the lines of Tara and others: if I hook up with someone (which I'm probably not ready for) and she can't handle it, then she wasn't right for me. Some tips though... I bought some support belts (sorry, don't know the maker), they're tan and keep things neatly tucked away so that any position is good for me! If you think you might get lucky, have a lighter meal than normal (you can always hit the fridge when he's unconscious, though eating late is never a good idea). Don't be afraid to keep him waiting in anticipation while you freshen up, as an empty pouch is essential and a little tantalizing scent never hurts. Oh yeah... Maybe you'll find a great guy with his own stoma and you'll both be happy as clams. Believe me, there are still men out there that worship women with all their flaws (which we all have!). Good luck... Rich

I love my wife very much and having a bag really doesn't faze me in the lovemaking department... and in any case, with our old favorite position, I would see it anyway LOL

The problem is with my wife, not me. I have done all the things you ladies will suggest regarding reassurance... extra fuss... show I love her and it all doesn't matter... sympathized, etc., etc... BUT here's the real problem (as she tells it): It hurts... it leaves her sore... she doesn't self-lubricate and can't get a position where the bag doesn't distress her... We tried pillows, holding herself up standing, and doggy fashion... nothing works.

Anyone make a suggestion about her being 'ready' in the lubrication department... she won't go to the doctor and won't buy oils/creams or the like (perhaps she just doesn't want to do it, who knows?)

Hi Ostomatesmates...you sound like a really good guy...You didn't say how long your wife has had the bag....if only new to 12 months, then she could be right with it hurting her, or a bit uncomfortable. But it seems your last comment might be the case. I know as a female it made me feel very self-conscious and did hurt a bit till the 12-16 month mark...Now no position is impossible. As before in other posts, I recommend what's called a bowl cover, they are plastic, but you can get them made in material. That way the bag isn't in sight, just tucked away. Not sure on the age either, but could be just hormonal....Or it could be she thinks it's all over for her, as she probably doesn't feel too sexy. And all the understanding in the world might help, just patience.
Wish you the best of luck and hope she comes around for you both..take care Tarababy

ostomatesmate, I saw this was an older post. It is also very true that women go through a horrible time learning to love their bodies the way they once did before surgery. The sad thing is they don't always know what you're feeling no matter what you say. Women need to know that you are also unsure of yourself and you would never want to hurt her, but yet you want to feel close and loved. I would bet she does also. If you have a couch and your favorite lotion, you could say, "Honey, I have an idea." Say, "Honey, what if you laid on the couch or even the side of the bed, it depends on what is comfortable." Lift her leg up and tell her how beautiful she is. Make sure she has her nighty on and maybe you could say, "Honey, can I at least look at a titty as I miss looking at your so wonderful body as no other women can do for me what you do." Put lotion on her bent leg and she probably won't spit on her hand and you would need a lot, so also put lotion on her hand and have her use her two index fingers close to where you are going as far in her leg as you can and make sure it is tight. This sensation is like having her masturbate you and also having sex at the same time. I know you will enjoy this and also so will your wife and she would have no reason to complain. Heck, you might get lucky and she might say, "Honey, I want to feel that hot, hot white sperm all over my titty." In time, she is going to need to buy some gel and have sex as it isn't good for a woman to just dry up. I would say, on average, a woman over 50 should have sex at least three to four times a week. It is also very good for the man to have regular climaxes, very healthy. No matter what, I believe in love and am a hopeless romantic. I do really keep sex and love apart from each other or I don't think I could ever have a climax if I was thinking about love instead of just great sex. I do have to love my man to give him my body in any way. But we are all different and the truth is if more women could not think of sex as a security blanket or this is how I am loved, they might just find out how important they really are to themselves and their partners. No man is looking for a needy woman and the Good Lord knows that no woman wants a needy man. I just believe when you love someone, anything is possible. My advice is to never give up and keep loving her until she understands you have these needs that also have to be met. God bless you and good luck, and I honestly hope you have a long, beautiful, and extremely fun sex life. Love, Jenny

What men really think is kindness and compassion and not hurting innocent people or children. So if you ever want to know how a man really thinks, ask someone who grew up with only men and I promise it was worth every second of my life to know how these men think and feel and love and care, mostly knowing how lonely they were and are. So I am so blessed by this gift God has given me, because most women have no idea of how men think and I am really proud of that special gift. Love, Jenny

Enjoyed reading your thoughts. I had my ostomy for over 3 years, reversed in Feb of this year. Still would like to meet someone who has had or still has an ostomy. I feel I would have and receive more compassion and understanding. I have had a relationship with one man but needless to say, he bailed... I realize now what a vain man he was... Paying hundreds of dollars for designer shirts in different colors which he then proceeded to send me daily pics of himself posing all serious like a cologne ad.... It was so funny as his expression never changed...only the color of the shirt... Anyway. When he saw my surgery scar and incisional hernia I still need to have fixed, he went running away... One of those who need a trophy girlfriend to go with those hideous shirts.... Lol. I am very compassionate and want to meet someone like myself who has or has had an ostomy. Best wishes and thanks again for sharing your insights. Your late wife was very lucky to have had you by her side. God bless.

For you ladies.
If you continue to get an attitude from some of the guys about dating and eventually leading to sex, try going to Craigslist dating site and see some of the attitudes that the women have about guys. Makes a guy feel like he has a stoma on his head. By the time she gets through her "I am not going to tolerate this and that", the poor guys are so intimidated that they sometimes wish they hadn't even bothered. Just borrow some of their attitudes.

In my last relationship, the guy had no problem at all. He knew about it before we dated. I wore sexy underwear, and all the time we were dating, he never ever saw a glimpse of the bag. I hid it behind a pretty black satin wrap - he wasn't even aware it had leaked on one occasion! But the advice is the same as others have said: always empty before being intimate, have a light meal, and not too much alcohol... With me, it makes it more active, but enjoy life. If you can accept it, then chances are he will accept it too.