I ENVY THE KANGAROO RAT. There, I’ve said it. I have made my terrible confessional, my public admission of a cardinal sin. These little 4 oz. beasties that you could hold in the palm of your hand have an ability that I wish that I had: they have no need to hydrate (a verb that has replaced the formerly acceptable combination of a verb and noun: drink water). My ileostomy led to kidney damage and today my “medicinal” dosage of water is 96 oz. per day. I also enjoy two cups of black coffee, the highlight of my morning. But the tiny kangaroo rat has an abnormally low metabolic rate which reduces loss of water through its skin and respiratory system. The Merriam’s kangaroo rat, a specific species, obtains enough water from the metabolic oxidation of the seeds it eats to survive without having to drink any water, a handy and life-enhancing ability for a desert dweller. Constantly having to drink water all day is sometimes a pain in the patoot, and thus I envy this tiny rodent its advantage. It also happens to be known for its promiscuous mating practices, which might have attracted me as a teenager, but which I certainly do not envy at my age. Nor do I envy the little kangaroo rat all its hungry predators. As a human, I only suffer one potential predator: other humans.

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Learn the results of our ostomy sleep survey.