Dating with a Colostomy: Seeking Advice and Support

I'm a single white male looking for a good woman to get to know and maybe more in time. I've been looking for apps and Facebook dating, and I can't find anyone in my area with an ostomy or who would have anything to do with somebody with an ostomy. Any advice would be helpful. TIA.

You have to first accept that you are not your ostomy. Assess how easy it was to meet ladies before your ostomy. Since you don't have to advertise that you have an ostomy, then you should have the same level of success. First, start to love yourself. You are in TX; treat yourself to a new outfit and go out to a restaurant and have one of those Longhorn steaks. Go to a sports bar on Sunday and join in the fun of watching the Super Bowl. Join a bowling league or take a cycling class at the YMCA. Go to church or a college basketball/football/baseball game. Cheer while you are there. Start having fun; you will be surprised how people gravitate to the fun person. No one wants to be around the miserable guy. Be persistent in your happiness-seeking.

Author and poet Maya Angelou on persistence:

"My wish for you is that you continue. Continue to be who you are, to astonish a mean world with your acts of kindness. The effect you have on others' lives is the highest expression of your own."

Hi Talk,

Why are you trying to find someone who will accept your ostomy, rather than finding someone who will accept you as a whole? Ostomates have to stop seeing themselves as an ostomy with a person attached to it and start seeing themselves as a great person who just happens to have an ostomy. We've had this discussion on here a million times, and it still amazes me how people view themselves by their "undesirable" traits rather than their "desirable" ones. You're never going to find anyone who's going to LIKE the fact that you have an ostomy...........unless it's another ostomate who has the same misgivings about themselves. Drop the "ostomate" from your description of yourself and focus on what makes you a good catch. If you ARE a good catch, that is. If you're volunteering the fact that you're an ostomate as soon as you meet someone, you're going to die a lonely old man. Sorry, but that's just how life works unless you're incredibly lucky. And since you don't live in Vegas, I assume you're not.

Reverse things. If you met a fantastic woman and the first thing she told you was she was battling cancer, how would you react? And be honest with yourself. Change that around a bit and suppose you met a fantastic woman and she didn't tell you she had cancer but instead got to know you and showed you how much fun she was to be around and what a good match you two were. And THEN she told you she was dealing with cancer. Would you still recoil and say "I want no part of that crap"........or would you want to continue getting to know that wonderful person? You don't need to bare your soul to a woman the second you meet. Everyone has 'issues' for lack of a better word, as no one is perfect. You don't tell someone who's interested in buying your car all the bad stuff about it first; you start with the good. You do, of course, disclose the issues with the car if it has any before you complete the deal, but when someone falls in love with something, it's much easier to accept some things that are not ideal, but not if those things are the first thing they're told and they can't include that in the context of all the good things about you.

So stop trying to sell an ostomate to potential women and start trying to sell the great guy you are, who just also happens to have an ostomy. If you let your ostomy define you...........you're screwed. It's really that simple.

;O)

There is a site called Ostodate.

If I knew how to type that much, I would have said the same thing. 👍

Stories of Living Life to the Fullest from Ostomy Advocates I Hollister

Having an ostomy does not define whom you are. Perhaps check out a nearby local ostomy support group in your area. You've got this. 💪

Alex, you could always draw pictures. 🤭 But I agree with both you and Bob.

Big stamp "ditto."

Next......if they don't like your ostomy, just ask another and another until you meet the right person for you, just as you did before having an ostomy. So really, having an ostomy hasn't changed anything.

You will be surprised; most potential partners don't mind in the slightest about us having an ostomy. I've always been an open book and told everyone from the start, as I see it, 'take me as I am or watch me as I go.' As I see it, if you hide your ostomy, what else could you be hiding? A relationship is built on trust; you want that from the start. In my younger days, I've had one-night stands and even less outside clubs! Bags have never been a problem.

Yes, there are people who will reject you because of your ostomy. They will reject you for a myriad of reasons, as you would reject them. I'm not looking for dates or a mate, but I have struggled with worrying about how people would see me since I got my colostomy, even long-time friends. I would refuse to attend social events and stopped doing my volunteering. As others have said, stop defining yourself by your ostomy, or you may never find a mate. I know it's a hard thing to do, but change and growth are often scary and tough. My best to you.

Wow, such great advice already.

From a woman's perspective: I am much more interested in who you are. What do you care about? Are you fun and supportive? Show your humor and your passions (whatever they are: football, fishing, opera, whatever).

The ostomy isn't a big deal unless you make it one. Any woman who says differently didn't like you for you.

I was waiting to hear a woman's perspective.

As a fellow single guy with an ostomy, I can tell you firsthand, it's not as important as you think it is. It's easy to get in our own heads about how others will perceive the appliance. Sure, some will be scared off, but some won't give a flying bag fart. I've had experience with both for sure. Don't let it define you, as others have said. It's part of you, but so is everything else that makes you who you are.

Also... this site has a specific dating side to it, lol.

“Flying bag fart.” 😂

Wow! Touché to what everyone else said 👏🏻. I have become comfortable with myself being alone. If I happen to meet someone who takes me as I am, well, that's just icing on the cake 😉

I'm about meeting good people, in general, at this point. I understand the desire for 'more,' and as a woman, maybe I don't quite 'get' men. But openings start with talking, and I sure love getting to know people.

"I have always found men who were funny, irresistible. It's rare that I ever based love on looks or superficial things, but if a guy made me laugh — and that didn't mean he had to be in comedy professionally — I was hooked."

— Gilda Radner

“If you're true to yourself, you're going to be true to everyone else.”

— John Wooden

I'm afraid to be single someday. I don't know how to change my ostomy by myself. It would be helpful to be with someone with an ostomy.

You need to learn how to change your ostomy unless you have a disability that prevents you. When I got my ostomy, I vowed that changing it would be my responsibility. Before I got my ostomy, I would use the bathroom and clean myself afterward; the ostomy didn't change that. I learned to look at it, and I learned ways to tame the smell. I have severe nerve damage in my hands, which makes using them difficult, but I persevered. Learning to manage your stoma changes your entire mental aspect about having one.

“Sometimes I think the Fates must grin as we denounce them and insist the only reason we can't win is the Fates themselves that miss. Yet there lives on the ancient claim: we win or lose within ourselves. The shining trophies on our shelves can never win tomorrow's game. You and I know deeper down, there's always a chance to win the crown. But when we fail to give our best, we simply haven't met the test of giving all and saving none until the game is really won; of showing what is meant by grit; of playing through when others quit; of playing through, not letting up. It's bearing down that wins the cup. Of dreaming there's a goal ahead; of hoping when our dreams are dead; of praying when our hopes have fled. Yet losing, not afraid to fall, if bravely we have given all. For who can ask more of a man than giving all within his span? Giving all, it seems to me, is not so far from victory. And so the fates are seldom wrong, no matter how they twist and wind. It's you and I who make our fates — we open up or close the gates on the road ahead or the road behind.”

— Saying often recited by John Wooden

Flying bag fart, bahahaha! Hope not to experience lol

What? Are you serious? Why???

I agree with aTraveler, make it a point to learn how to change your ostomy bag yourself. You'll be amazed at how much it does for your self-esteem and confidence.

When I had my surgery, I became so weak and sick afterward that I struggled to change the appliance. The peripheral neuropathy in my hands made it impossible to cut the wafer myself. So my wonderful husband stepped up and helped me. That was a comfortable place to be, and I wanted to stay there.

But as my health improved, I knew I needed to be more independent. My stomas settled down, and we were able to order precut wafers. I started doing the changes alone. It was hard at first, but in time it got easier. At the same time, I felt my self-confidence increase. It was well worth the effort.

G-Day cjotl2019,

I cannot believe you don't change your own bag.

OK, starting today, no matter how many times you say NO, you are going to start changing your own bag. For the first couple of days, have Hubby with you to see it all goes well, then after that, you're on your own. HUBBY, this is for you: after a couple of days, do not help, even if she screams for you; make her do it for her own esteem. She will appreciate it in the end.

Regards, IGGIE

You had me at cake! 😲

Oh Warrior, I love you 😘 🤭😂

Before your ostomy, did someone wipe your butt for you? Unless a person cannot physically do it themselves, it's a very selfish thing to expect someone else to do it for you and just plain lazy.

You get a lot of tough love on here, but you have to start taking care of yourself. It's hard, messy, and frustrating having to change your ostomy by yourself at first. It's trial and error, trial and error. When you get the hang of it, you'll feel empowered. I don't think any ostomate finds it easy in the beginning.

I'm kind of the straight-to-the-point type 😬, but I find it mind-boggling that someone who can change their stuff relies on someone else to do it. At some point, the person who does it for someone won't be there, and the person needing it changed will be overly stressed because they simply didn't want to learn. Just a crazy mindset, in my opinion. 🤷‍♂️

I get your point, and you aren't wrong.

But I do see at least one way that someone ends up there. If you come out of surgery as sick as I was—basically, eight weeks in the hospital after surgery... and nearly died two times. I would not have been capable of wiping my butt or changing my appliance. I relied on help, and it was 100% necessary... at first. It would have been easy to stay in that position even after I got better. It takes something to jar you out of that "learned helplessness."

I'm not saying that's what happened here, but it is one way this kind of thing happens.