Accepting it

Hello,


It has been awhile since Ive posted on my blog. Actually, I have not been on this site in quite some time. Truth is, this surgery has turned my life upside down. I have pushed away people in my life. I figured over time, it would become somewhat eaiser, losing myself in work and long hours and trying to forget. The problem with trying to forget , is that this stupid bag wont let me. Every morning I get up and have to deal with it. I am negative, lost all hope and stopped believing in everything. Nothing could have prepared me for the aftermath of this thing. My world and thoughts have become very dark. I get up , get the girls off to school, go to work come home all the while feeling as if im numb all over.I want so very much to be the person I once was. I feel as if she died and was replaced with a person that I cant identify with. Smiles and laughter are no longer a part of my life. Christmas is coming up, I am the only one my girls have and I have yet to buy them Christmas presents. My heart and soul is broken.I was once a fun person to be around and now im wallowing in self pitty. Yes things could be worse, im smart enough to realize that, but whats worse than losing the person you used to be. I have overcome so much in my life, things that would put most people in some sort of instution and always came out stronger. By this I mean abusive parents, incest and an ex husband who beat me for nine years. i keep asking god why me, will i ever have happiness in my life. This surgery destroyed the person that used to be so full of life, i was always so positive. Now i sit in dark rooms thinkinkin about the what ifs , wondering why this had to happen to me. Hell im 34 years old and feel like im 80. I suppose this blog is ranting. I feel its the only place where i can speak freely, and not be judged.. Its been 8 months since that surgery, and I have to so im no closer n accepting now then I was then.Does it get eaiser, im my mind i think not. Im 34 single mom of 2 kids with a shit bag on the side of me. Nasty, who the hell would want to date me. They would see me as damaged. have a good day folks ...

I am sorry you are feeling this way but I know exactly what you are going through. I had my urostomy when I was 26. I was sure no one would want me, luckily I had my son already who was 3. I went through all of the why me's and asking God why was I being punished. I went to the support groups in my city but there was no one even close to my age so that didn't make it any better. So believe me when I say I understand. There are members in my family who do not know I have a bag, so how do you tell a potential person of interest? I've had two relationships since my surgery, the first one was ok with it as long as he did not hae to see it, the second wss fine with it. He never said anything negative and we were supposed get to get married last year. He did not leave me but passed away due to a stroke. I actually was trying to comment to make you feel better but i guess I needed to get some things off my chest. But anyway, it will get better I still have my moments of the why me's but thank God I survived and you will too.

I read your blog and signed off the forum but I had to get back on the computer and respond to you. Please don't feel that i am judging you but I think you are seriously depressed. And not in the way that people casually refer to feeling bad but a real depression. Not self pity but a terrible illness that can kill people if not taken seriously. I really hope you try and get some help for yourself. You have been through a life changing procedure and need to find a way to cope with it. For myself, I had my ostomy done in August. Before the surgery I felt so alone and that no one could really listen to my fears. I started seeing a therapist 3 months before the operation. I talked, I cried, I vented, I listened and it really helped me to come to terms with the change. I think you need to mourn the body you had, the person you were in order to find the new person that will emerge. With 2 children to raise you owe it to yourself. I hope you don't take this as criticism since it isn't meant that way at all. I worry and fear for your state of mind and sincerely hope you are able to find some peace and hope in your life.

I know how you feel. I am new to this lifestyle...still post-op and with ostomy and foley and depends. Need 2 more surgeries but hope it will all eventually work out. Went out christmas shopping yest. for about 3 hours....EXHAUSTED. I realize I took so much for granted in the past. I just want to feel better. stronger. Fearless. Not sure either why but then again, why not me? Who am I. I am a firm believer in the power of prayer so am leaning on that. I would like to get out of the FOG that surrounds me too. The ostomy seemed like a big deal before but now the constant incontinence is the problem....I, too, just want to have a nice christmas for my kids, family. Good Luck and just keep blogging for your fears.....

Hi, Montana. I understand what you are going through. When someone has had a lot of serious trauma in their lives, it seems like one more nasty trick of fate to have a major illness and have a colostomy. I totally agree with the poster who spoke about major depression, and the good that can come of counselling and medication. In my life, I was born with a birth defect that made continence very difficult to maintain. I struggled for most of my life to not have to have a colostomy. I have lost 4 children, I have three living, age 18 and up. I married my high school sweetheart have been married for 33 years. The darker side of my life was that my husband was emotionally abusive. Although he took great care of me during my illnesses and surgeries, the rest of the time was spent emotionally tearing me apart. Still, I handled all of that, and persevered until November. That is when I found out that he was back into intensive phone contact with the woman he had an affair with 2 years ago. With us being split up now, and with the PTSD from all the other stuff in my life, this was the final straw. I put my will and my life insurance policy on the bed, where it would be immediately visible, and my next intention was to unlock the gun cabinet, take a pistol, and go somewhere else to use it. I didn't want the house or car to be messed up. To make a long story short, after talking with my oldest daughter, and with the support of my sisters, I checked myself into the local Behavioral Health hospital (which I fondly refer to as The Looney Bin). Wow, it was not what I expected. I had a nice room mate, we went to group therapy twice a day, and had a session with a psychiatrist once a day, and in between we did crafts and mingled and had conversation. I have been on vacations that were not as nice. The only bad thing was that the food was awful. :) I promise that I have not told this long tale without purpose. I want to stress to you just HOW IMPORTANT it is to get treatment for depression. Things can pile up only so much, and then that last straw comes along, and we have no inner resources left to carry us through. Go see a psychiatrist; it will be good for you, and having mom feeling better will be good for your kids. Don't make excuses about not being able to go. If you fell and broke a leg, you'd be away from the kids for just as long. Healing of the mind and soul is as important as the healing of the body. I will be thinking of you and praying for you. Ellen

Hi MOntana, i was married for 20 years and am going thru a divorce. i did meet someone that is very accepting of my ileostomy, he could care less about it because it is part of who i am. I just wanted to let you know that there are men out there that are accepting of ostomies. write back and we can talk. i have had an ileostomy for 15 yrs and it is the best decision i have ever made. it is nice to be able to eat almost anything and not search for public restrooms all of the time

Hi MOntana, i was married for 20 years and am going thru a divorce. i did meet someone that is very accepting of my ileostomy, he could care less about it because it is part of who i am. I just wanted to let you know that there are men out there that are accepting of ostomies. write back and we can talk. i have had an ileostomy for 15 yrs and it is the best decision i have ever made. it is nice to be able to eat almost anything and not search for public restrooms all of the time

i would date you cause your hot oh and not to mention still alive you know what i mean takes a specail person to love and hold a bagger

FOLKS, YOU GUYS ARE SO AWESOME, REGARDLESS OF HOW I FEEL, WEE WEE YOU MADE ME LAUGH MY ASS OFF , LMAO....ITS HARD AND YOUR RIGHT IT DOES TAKE A SPECIAL PERSON TO LOVE A BAGGER. ALL OF YOUR SUPPORT IS VERY IMPORTANT TO ME...

Hello all.It sure has been a long time since I've been on her.The last few years have been pure hell,but I'm still trying to hold on.I'll write more tomorrow