Hello,
It has been awhile since I've posted on my blog. Actually, I have not been on this site in quite some time. Truth is, this surgery has turned my life upside down. I have pushed away people in my life. I figured over time, it would become somewhat easier, losing myself in work and long hours and trying to forget. The problem with trying to forget is that this stupid bag won't let me. Every morning I get up and have to deal with it. I am negative, lost all hope, and stopped believing in everything. Nothing could have prepared me for the aftermath of this thing. My world and thoughts have become very dark. I get up, get the girls off to school, go to work, come home all the while feeling as if I'm numb all over. I want so very much to be the person I once was. I feel as if she died and was replaced with a person that I can't identify with. Smiles and laughter are no longer a part of my life. Christmas is coming up, I am the only one my girls have, and I have yet to buy them Christmas presents. My heart and soul are broken. I was once a fun person to be around and now I'm wallowing in self-pity. Yes, things could be worse, I'm smart enough to realize that, but what's worse than losing the person you used to be. I have overcome so much in my life, things that would put most people in some sort of institution and always came out stronger. By this, I mean abusive parents, incest, and an ex-husband who beat me for nine years. I keep asking God why me, will I ever have happiness in my life. This surgery destroyed the person that used to be so full of life, I was always so positive. Now I sit in dark rooms thinking about the what-ifs, wondering why this had to happen to me. Hell, I'm 34 years old and feel like I'm 80. I suppose this blog is ranting. I feel it's the only place where I can speak freely and not be judged. It's been 8 months since that surgery, and I have to say I'm no closer to accepting it now than I was then. Does it get easier? In my mind, I think not. I'm a 34-year-old single mom of 2 kids with a shit bag on the side of me. Nasty, who the hell would want to date me? They would see me as damaged. Have a good day, folks...
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