Struggling to Accept Life After Surgery

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861
montana
Dec 10, 2009 2:39 pm

Hello,

It has been awhile since I've posted on my blog. Actually, I have not been on this site in quite some time. Truth is, this surgery has turned my life upside down. I have pushed away people in my life. I figured over time, it would become somewhat easier, losing myself in work and long hours and trying to forget. The problem with trying to forget is that this stupid bag won't let me. Every morning I get up and have to deal with it. I am negative, lost all hope, and stopped believing in everything. Nothing could have prepared me for the aftermath of this thing. My world and thoughts have become very dark. I get up, get the girls off to school, go to work, come home all the while feeling as if I'm numb all over. I want so very much to be the person I once was. I feel as if she died and was replaced with a person that I can't identify with. Smiles and laughter are no longer a part of my life. Christmas is coming up, I am the only one my girls have, and I have yet to buy them Christmas presents. My heart and soul are broken. I was once a fun person to be around and now I'm wallowing in self-pity. Yes, things could be worse, I'm smart enough to realize that, but what's worse than losing the person you used to be. I have overcome so much in my life, things that would put most people in some sort of institution and always came out stronger. By this, I mean abusive parents, incest, and an ex-husband who beat me for nine years. I keep asking God why me, will I ever have happiness in my life. This surgery destroyed the person that used to be so full of life, I was always so positive. Now I sit in dark rooms thinking about the what-ifs, wondering why this had to happen to me. Hell, I'm 34 years old and feel like I'm 80. I suppose this blog is ranting. I feel it's the only place where I can speak freely and not be judged. It's been 8 months since that surgery, and I have to say I'm no closer to accepting it now than I was then. Does it get easier? In my mind, I think not. I'm a 34-year-old single mom of 2 kids with a shit bag on the side of me. Nasty, who the hell would want to date me? They would see me as damaged. Have a good day, folks...

ladyp
Dec 10, 2009 6:50 pm

I am sorry you are feeling this way, but I know exactly what you are going through. I had my urostomy when I was 26. I was sure no one would want me, luckily I had my son already who was 3. I went through all of the "why me's" and asking God why was I being punished. I went to the support groups in my city, but there was no one even close to my age, so that didn't make it any better. So believe me when I say I understand. There are members in my family who do not know I have a bag, so how do you tell a potential person of interest? I've had two relationships since my surgery, the first one was okay with it as long as he did not have to see it, the second was fine with it. He never said anything negative, and we were supposed to get married last year. He did not leave me but passed away due to a stroke. I actually was trying to comment to make you feel better, but I guess I needed to get some things off my chest. But anyway, it will get better. I still have my moments of the "why me's," but thank God I survived and you will too.

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cee
Dec 10, 2009 7:43 pm

I read your blog and signed off the forum, but I had to get back on the computer and respond to you. Please don't feel that I am judging you, but I think you are seriously depressed. And not in the way that people casually refer to feeling bad, but a real depression. Not self-pity, but a terrible illness that can kill people if not taken seriously. I really hope you try and get some help for yourself. You have been through a life-changing procedure and need to find a way to cope with it. For myself, I had my ostomy done in August. Before the surgery, I felt so alone and that no one could really listen to my fears. I started seeing a therapist three months before the operation. I talked, I cried, I vented, I listened, and it really helped me to come to terms with the change. I think you need to mourn the body you had, the person you were in order to find the new person that will emerge. With two children to raise, you owe it to yourself. I hope you don't take this as criticism since it isn't meant that way at all. I worry and fear for your state of mind and sincerely hope you are able to find some peace and hope in your life.

newbyinDakota
Dec 15, 2009 4:21 pm

I know how you feel. I am new to this lifestyle...still post-op and with ostomy and foley and depends. Need 2 more surgeries but hope it will all eventually work out. Went out Christmas shopping yesterday for about 3 hours....EXHAUSTED. I realize I took so much for granted in the past. I just want to feel better, stronger, fearless. Not sure either why but then again, why not me? Who am I? I am a firm believer in the power of prayer so am leaning on that. I would like to get out of the fog that surrounds me too. The ostomy seemed like a big deal before but now the constant incontinence is the problem....I, too, just want to have a nice Christmas for my kids, family. Good luck and just keep blogging for your fears.....

Ellen Jay
Dec 24, 2009 4:53 pm

Hi, Montana. I understand what you are going through. When someone has had a lot of serious trauma in their lives, it seems like one more nasty trick of fate to have a major illness and have a colostomy.

I totally agree with the poster who spoke about major depression, and the good that can come of counseling and medication.

In my life, I was born with a birth defect that made continence very difficult to maintain. I struggled for most of my life to not have to have a colostomy. I have lost 4 children, I have three living, age 18 and up. I married my high school sweetheart and have been married for 33 years. The darker side of my life was that my husband was emotionally abusive. Although he took great care of me during my illnesses and surgeries, the rest of the time was spent emotionally tearing me apart.

Still, I handled all of that and persevered until November. That is when I found out that he was back into intensive phone contact with the woman he had an affair with 2 years ago. With us being split up now, and with the PTSD from all the other stuff in my life, this was the final straw.

I put my will and my life insurance policy on the bed, where it would be immediately visible, and my next intention was to unlock the gun cabinet, take a pistol, and go somewhere else to use it. I didn't want the house or car to be messed up.

To make a long story short, after talking with my oldest daughter, and with the support of my sisters, I checked myself into the local Behavioral Health hospital (which I fondly refer to as The Looney Bin). Wow, it was not what I expected. I had a nice roommate, we went to group therapy twice a day, and had a session with a psychiatrist once a day, and in between we did crafts and mingled and had conversation. I have been on vacations that were not as nice. The only bad thing was that the food was awful. :)

I promise that I have not told this long tale without purpose. I want to stress to you just HOW IMPORTANT it is to get treatment for depression. Things can pile up only so much, and then that last straw comes along, and we have no inner resources left to carry us through. Go see a psychiatrist; it will be good for you, and having mom feeling better will be good for your kids. Don't make excuses about not being able to go. If you fell and broke a leg, you'd be away from the kids for just as long. Healing of the mind and soul is as important as the healing of the body.

I will be thinking of you and praying for you.

Ellen

 
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Past Member
Dec 29, 2009 6:08 pm

Hi Montana, I was married for 20 years and am going through a divorce. I did meet someone who is very accepting of my ileostomy. He couldn't care less about it because it is part of who I am. I just wanted to let you know that there are men out there who are accepting of ostomies. Write back and we can talk. I have had an ileostomy for 15 years and it is the best decision I have ever made. It is nice to be able to eat almost anything and not search for public restrooms all of the time.

Past Member
Dec 29, 2009 6:08 pm

Hi Montana, I was married for 20 years and am going through a divorce. I did meet someone who is very accepting of my ileostomy. He couldn't care less about it because it is part of who I am. I just wanted to let you know that there are men out there who are accepting of ostomies. Write back and we can talk. I have had an ileostomy for 15 years and it is the best decision I have ever made. It is nice to be able to eat almost anything and not search for public restrooms all of the time.

weewee
Jan 20, 2010 1:13 pm

I would date you because you're hot. Oh, and not to mention, still alive. You know what I mean. It takes a special person to love and hold a bagger.

montana
Feb 01, 2010 7:05 pm

Folks, you guys are so awesome, regardless of how I feel, we made me laugh my ass off, LMAO.... It's hard and you're right, it does take a special person to love a bagger. All of your support is very important to me...

montana
Jul 02, 2013 6:13 am

Hello all. It sure has been a long time since I've been on here. The last few years have been pure hell, but I'm still trying to hold on. I'll write more tomorrow.