As a 26-year-old ostomate and single mother of twin boys, I have recently gone back out into the dating world with my metaphorical and actual baggage firmly in tow. After ending my relationship with my boys' father (who could not accept my ostomy and began pushing me to have a reversal as soon as I got home from the hospital), I was left with horribly low self-esteem. I thought surely if the father of my children could not deal with my bag, who could???
So a few weeks ago, I reconnected through Facebook with a guy that I used to see around town. We've had three dates, and I'm thinking I could really like this guy... Last night I went over to his place and he made me dinner for my birthday. The time had come for me to perform the ostomy monologue I had been practicing since our first date. He listened patiently as I told him all about it. Afterwards, he sat in silence as I pushed through a series of hot flashes waiting to hear his response. I finally asked him what he was thinking, and he said, "Man, that must save you a lot of time..." with a big smile on his face.
I can't believe I allowed my ex's ignorant, negative opinions of my ostomy to get me down for so long. I'm starting to realize that #1: I still got it, and #2: Anyone that is worth my time is not going to judge me because of my bag. Needless to say, I had an awesome birthday and I am excited to see where things go from here :)
Hi there Clumsylady, and I'm delighted for you too. It's interesting to hear a female perspective on dating under these circumstances. I thought it was just us guys who suffered from esteem worries. But congrats and best of luck for the future!
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Thank you for your quick reply. I'll discuss irrigation with my doctor. I'm sure it would be down the road. My output is still very liquid. It's all so unpredictable at 6 weeks post-op. I have such a fear of constipation as I struggled with this forever. I used a fiber source to thicken the stool but it hasn't helped very much. I guess I will continue to be positive but it is a bit of a pain. This website is great and everyone is so informative. Cheryl
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Clumsy Lady??? Not anymore. It looks like this gal can handle things very nicely. So, how about finding a name that fits?
Oh, I definitely pride myself in the fact that I handle my business with class, but grace - not so much. I am literally the clumsiest person I know. If there is a corner on a piece of furniture, I'm going to run into it. If there is a stick on the ground, I'm going to trip over it. If there is a toy on the floor, I'm going to slip on it, banana peel style... I've owned it, lol. Hey, we can't all be perfect :)
Well, you're gorgeous. Why would he be worried about it? But seriously, I am so pleased you got such a positive response. You give me hope :) Star
Hi, you have two lots of baggage to deal with. The first is your two boys, and most men would not be happy to start a relationship with someone with a ready-made family [I did with 2 boys and 2 girls for over 30 years] and would run so fast when they found out. The second is your new friend that is now attached to your side like a leech. As your new [old] friend has not started running over either of these, you have hit the jackpot. You are a real winner. Congratulations. Bob
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Oh, how I can so relate to you. After my surgery 14 years ago, my boyfriend at that time dumped me. I met someone after so many long years of feeling just like you. Ready for that story to tell all night long on our date. He just said, "Can I see your bag? How does it all work?" We have been together for a year now, the first time that I am comfortable with my bag with being with someone. He loves me for who I am and couldn't care less. He just is so very thankful that he met me and feels highly privileged to be with me. Meant to be. Good luck to you!! God bless!!
You guys give me hope! I am ending my relationship of 20 years because the guy emotionally abandoned me during my chemo radiation -- since his heart surgery 9 years ago, he won't even consider sex. I'm too young to live like this. I want some humor in my life. I want someone who wants to spend time with me. Glad that you've found someone. It gives me hope.
Not all boyfriends are created equal. When I was diagnosed with cancer and told I had to have a permanent colostomy, I told my boyfriend of 1 year to find someone else. He was so mad at me. He stuck by my side and took me and my pets to his home for 3 months while I recovered. I told him my greatest fear was not cancer or the colostomy but what to do about my 3 cats while I was in the hospital. My pet boarding place is awesome but very expensive ($10.00 per cat per day). He was amazing! In fact, one of my 3 cats fell in love with him and remained at his home until she died 2 years later at age 17. We have been together for 9 years and are still happy. Sounds like you have found a winner too. I am happy for you!
I'm another one who's very pleased for you. I'm glad your boys' father left, only because if the loser stuck around, you wouldn't have been available for this wonderful new man. No matter what happens, at least you know there are people like him around. In a 12-day period, I had 2 resections that leaked; the 3rd time they went in, I woke up sharing the bed with Walter the Wenis. I was too out of it to even think about how it would affect my husband of 6 years and was in complete denial about it. For the first month or two, he changed the bandage on my open wound twice a day and when I would wake up in a puddle, which happened back then a few times a week, he cleaned me up, stripped the bed, did the laundry, and changed my appliance. I didn't even touch it if I could help it. Unfortunately, he unexpectedly died last year, less than a year after my surgery. Don't know if I'm going to give a reversal a shot and I'm not yet ready to throw myself back into the world, but it's nice to hear there are men like your new honey around. It's one thing to be accepted by someone who loved me when I was in one piece; quite another to find someone willing to deal with it from the start when he can walk away more easily. I'm especially happy for you because you're so young. As far as your ex goes, some people just can't deal. Glad you found someone who can.
Aww, so glad you have found someone nice!! :) And you will still find yourself pinching yourself for awhile afterwards... I ended a bad relationship just before my ostomy surgery and am a single parent of four!! My thought was wow... tell me God does not have a sense of humor. Four kids and an ostomy... lol... but after being single for over a year and working through my whole ostomy experience, I did meet someone great!!... And I held my breath and did the whole ostomy spiel... and he asked a lot of questions and when the time was right, I showed him how I changed my pouch and what the whole process was... He was really cool with it and even offered to wear one to know what it was like to understand better. :D ... Really happy for you!!.. ~hugs~ J.J
After reading so much the last few weeks about all the people walking away, I just read over all the posts - 4 - count 'em - 4 different posts in one blog with positive stories. Nice to get some faith back in the human race. J.J. - a man willing to do that is some keeper. Actually, Pegaluna, Clumsylady, and Funnygurl - a bunch of keepers - like a bunch of flowers in the middle of a desert. Tomorrow starts the Jewish new year (I think). Nice way to begin.
So crazy how I stumbled on your page; I literally went through and am going through the same thing as you. Had two children, and the father of the children cheated on me. I have come to the conclusion it was because of the bag too, but he's just too cowardly to admit it. Put myself back on the dating scene, but thought things went well with a fella I revealed the bag to, but literally not a peep from him since. Think you're really lucky to find someone who you can be so open with about it. He is a keeper for sure! Funny how you mention the whole baggage thing too; it's hard enough to be a single mother of two without a bag and having baggage, but I think we just take the meaning of having baggage to a whole new level, extreme baggage mode! Ha, anyhoo, really hope things go well for you with this fella; it really gave me a glimmer of hope that Mr. Right might actually be out there for me too, or even that there is someone else in the same boat as myself with the extreme baggage looking for Mr. Right! Best of luck x x x