Think this will be a good way of putting my thoughts and feelings down in the present, to in time look back and realize what was happening to me.
Had op 13 days ago now, took Seton stitch out and pulled flap across the fistula and sewed it up. 3cm wound in left buttock, it needs daily cleansing and packing put in. Also some stitching externally right next to my anus. After 13 days, still can't get comfortable sitting.
I have to go to the docs EVERY day for the rest of the year, to get the dressings and packings on the wound changed, really doing my head in, the waiting in the surgery with all the germs etc on a daily basis is getting to me. I'm terrified that I'm going to get an infection from going to surgery every day and also the packing comes out EVERY time they put it in. I get my arse out daily for strangers, every friggin day it's someone different and I have to tell them what I need doing and then drop my trousers, it's humiliating at times, embarrassing at times, sometimes there's 2 or 3 students in as well...all gazing at the war zone that is my arse!!
If the fistula heals, at the end of the year we will be talking about having this demonic thing on my stomach reversed, (stoma). I was attacked in my own home 3 weeks ago, headbutted and punched by a psycho neighbor who premeditated the attack, as he knew I was poorly, since then and with the op, I've felt totally out of sorts, like I have no home, no safe haven. My home doesn't feel like my home anymore, I'm dizzy all the time, can't relax.
To be honest it just seems that I may be drawing the curtains on my life. I'm not afraid or panicking, it's like it's a natural progression from the nightmare 8 months I've had since collapsing with the bowel abscess. I'm so tired of fighting and trying to manage things, to integrate into society and be a valid part of it....I feel maybe yes, the curtains are closing. It's a selfish, harsh, cold world I feel I'm living in and I genuinely am not sure if I want to be part of it anymore.
Relationship broke down 7 weeks ago, due to my health and stoma, I push people away...not just because I smell of shit, but because I feel no one deserves to have to put up with me...why should they? You're never more than number 2 in another person's eyes....and in the cold light of day, the human race disappoints me frequently...I'm on my own, I accept that, so this in turn gives me the right to say goodbye.
My post-traumatic stress disorder score was 56...30 or above is bad, ha, I'm a complete fruit loop then, admittedly, I could have a fight with myself in a phone box right now. From being a very calm person, I'm now angry, I lose my temper at minor things and it scares me, that and the nightmares scare me, getting treatment soon for this, but deep down even if they fix the mental side of me, what's to say the physical side will be fixed also? Not being negative, I'm a realist.
Putting it simply, if the fistula doesn't heal, if I don't get rid of this stoma, by the turn of next year, I'm calling it a day...end of.
Why Join MeetAnOstoMate?
First off, this is a pretty cool site with 33,379 members. Get inside and you will see.
It's not all about ostomy. Everything is being discussed.
Many come here for advice or to give advice 🗣, others have found good friends 🤗, and there are also those who have found love 💓. Most of all, people are honest and truly care.
Privacy is very important - the website has many features that are only visible to members.
Create an account and you will be amazed.
Advertisement
Hollister
You've checked off everything on your travel checklist. So, now it's time to pack your ostomy supplies and anything else you need. Do it the right way with these smart tips.
Advertisement
Hollister
When traveling, you need to pay special attention to your unique needs, issues, and potential hazards.
Learn about special travel considerations for your ostomy type, so you can be worry-free.
Learn about special travel considerations for your ostomy type, so you can be worry-free.