My Whining session....

I was okay with it when they told me that I needed the ileostomy. My choice was ileo, or die so of course I would choose the ileo. I was even okay with it afterwards. No more pain, I wasn't tied to the toilet anymore, and I could actually eat food without being afraid of the aftermath.

I've traveled and enjoyed checking off locations on my bucket list. But there's one thing on my list that I know is far beyond my reach.

I want to know what it feels like to be in love, and be loved. Sad really... I'm 51 and I will never feel that one thing that so many people take for granted. My therapist said that I should be happy because my children love me.....

She doesn't understand.....

Deep down, in the center of my soul, I yearn so badly for it.

I want. I need... I am almost desperate for it, but it will never be.

How sad am I? I know that I deserve it just like anyone else, but my parents didn't even love or want me. Funny. I found out on my 50th birthday why they hated me so. Why she would blame me for every wrong thing that happened in her life, why he would look at me with such hate and disgust. It wasn't my fault though. I didn't tell them to have unprotected sex. I didn't force them to get pregnant, I wasn't born as some plot to destroy her career and force them to be married in that era. But I bore the brunt of their anger until I ran as far as I could to save myself from the pain. My brothers weren't so lucky. One dead, one an alcoholic. I was the lucky one, I ran. Ran as far as I could.

But, I couldn't run far enough to get away from myself. I carried the pain with me. Every harsh word, every violent beating and it affected everything in my life after that. I was in a prison with no way to escape. I always chose wrong. My picker is obviously broken. I don't know how to choose a healthy relationship. Abuse is all I know. Now, I am too afraid to try again. I get physically ill, shivers, stomach aches, tears of fear if a man shows "that sort of interest in me.

You would never know of the terror I feel by looking at me though. I've gotten very good at covering it up, at faking it, at blending in. But inside all I can think about is getting away before he hurts me somehow.

How sad am I?

Be strong... Be strong.... Be strong.... Be strong.....

That's been my mantra for decades. Whatever life throws, I have no choice but to deal with it and keep pushing. But, I'm tired. The pain in my heart. It pounds so violently I feel it in my throat. I am going to choke on it.

Be strong... Be strong... Be strong... Be strong.....

But, I'm tired. Everywhere I look I am reminded of how much I fail at this, how much I want what I can't have. I survived, but for what?

Another dream fulfilled. I bought a farm. I've wanted land and a house and room for horses and a giant greenhouse for years and years. I have that now. Solitude and so much work to be done, but it's still there. That pain in my heart.

I have this ileostomy now. I named her Strawberry (smiles) My niece actually named her the first time she saw her. "Oh Auntie, it looks like a little strawberry." And she's right, my ileo is perfect. So small, round and red. Yes, she is perfect and after 15 years of pain, I love her, but if I cannot get a decent man when I am whole, I have even less of a chance now that I have a swinging bag of feces hanging from my side.

I just want a way to finally be able to accept my lot in life....

Be strong... Be strong... Be strong....

I just have to accept that I must be strong and lean on no one but myself.

Hello ZalliBee. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with us in this way. I was moved by your story which made me think back to the many other people with similar childhood experiences and consequent feelings. It seems that, just like with ostomies, you are not alone in your sentiments. Anyone who has experienced the things that you have would be able to testify to the emotional struggle to survive and 'manage' their psychological and emotional difficulties in the aftermath of such traumas. It does sometimes help to have a confidant with whom you can share those inner feelings when they are affecting your ability to get on with life. Counselling of some sort might not make it go away but sometimes helps people to 'manage' it. Best wishesBill

Aww, ZaliBee, xoxoxo ... :( (HUG) ... I am also so glad you shared, ... and by the way, it's not whining at all, it's called Soulful Sharing ;) xoxo and it's better to share than keep things bottled up inside, it's therapeutic to share like this. Your words brought tears, ... you, like many of us, are wounded in so many ways, yet remain a strong soldier moving forward regardless, ... and everyone wants love as you speak. I wish I had that too, but I also have been unlucky in love, my heart has been so stepped on, used, and abused that I am too tired to try again. I can also relate to a few other aspects of what you were saying ... some of which I will choose to keep to myself at this time, but life has not been easy ... and I do not have children, nor do I have brothers or sisters, ... I do have a loving father, however, and thank goodness I had my Grandmother until 1998 when she passed into the Spirit World, then shortly after she left, so did my best friend Peggy ... Without children or siblings, when I make my own Passage into the Spirit World, there will be nothing left behind and no one to remember me ... So ... I just do my best to help my friends and others in need, to the best of my ability, and try to make use of myself the best I can. My friends are the only 'family' I have, but I don't let anyone too close to me anymore, my heart cannot take the pain nor abuse again. So I guess I am really not so tough after all, at least not when it comes to that. I miss intimacy sometimes ... I miss strong arms around me ... it would be great to find someone strong enough to be my man, I am among the most dedicated people anyone will ever meet. But my trust is gone. We are all constantly experiencing new things in life, both good things and bad, and with each experience comes a sort of 'Transition' and we sometimes find we need to reach deep inside ourselves to find strength, and sometimes reinvent ourselves while we adapt to new situations we cannot change. I, too, am just lucky to be alive. I have been tormented by Crohn's since around age 7 or 8 and had my first surgery when I was 10. 'She'll never live to see her teen years,' they said ... but I surprised everyone. Then they said, she will never see age 20 ... but I did ... many more surgeries and years later, my parents and friends were informed, she has spunk and the will to survive, but she will not see 30 ... This little punk is now 47, with an attitude 12 feet tall ... and a devilish gleam in my eye ... We are all Survivors ... ALL of us in here ... We are an Army of very strong people ... I love it when people share in here ... say whatever you wish and pour your heart out ... You are loved ... and we understand ;) xoxo

Thank you so much for every word you wrote me Wounded Doe. It meant a lot and I actually feel better about things.