Seeking Love and Acceptance: Dating with a Colostomy as a Gay Man

First off, I'm a gay man with a very healthy mojo who was diagnosed with anal cancer in 2015. My colostomy was not made permanent and my surgeon has indicated that he will be willing to see if he can surgically remove scar tissue that could possibly make it possible to reverse the colostomy. It would not be guaranteed, and I could need to have the colostomy reinstated.

Because I dislike having a stoma so much, I have avoided dating anyone or being intimate since 2015 because of me feeling self-conscious and fearing rejection. A few months ago, I decided to attempt to meet people on several dating sites. It's been a definite challenge. I receive interest, we meet in person and hit it off, and the minute I disclose the colostomy, I sense a change in interest. First meeting and dates with me tend to be all about the date and learning about one another - not including sex. So the ultimate outcome is I either don't hear from them again, they ignore my attempts in communication, or they make an excuse about not having time to have another date. Having a stoma tends to be a deal breaker for most gay men. It's a new stigma. And I believe, for most gay or bi men, it's worse than having HIV in a time where Prep is available to HIV-negative men who are able to get it. How does one deal with being a gay man, who has a stoma, who is limited to having certain sexual activity due to fate?

I don't care what anyone says, there is no one on earth who would like having a colostomy, or who would choose to date someone with one. So the only alternative is to find someone who has the same challenges as I have. You can't find "us" in organized local meetings or socials...stigma makes us choose to stay hidden away. I have only found Meetanostomate to offer up the chance to meet others like me to connect to, and even that is limited by distance and location most of the time. I feel, right now, that there is the possibility there is someone for me out there and I may find him on this site. With finances tight for me due to medical bills not paid by insurance, paying for some website memberships is sometimes difficult and impractical. But I do plan to become a full member when I can. I'm really new to this site even though I joined several years ago, I never spent any time on the site until now. I never really believed Meetanostomate would bring me anything successfully. Now I think it may be my last hope in making friends and maybe finding someone who I can love and who will love me for who I am.

Hi sweetie, I understand and feel the same, but I'm not a man or am I gay, but I get it!! I'm sorry, but I'm here if you want to reply... Victoria

Hi, the problems you mention apply to us all. Once you mention the stoma, you see men's faces change. My partner of 18 years left me when I came out of the hospital. Once men realize I'm not going to put out, they are not interested. As a woman of 55, this is soul destroying xx

This looks like a new format to reply. I am replying to VA Nice guy. I just got your handle. I tried to reply earlier to you but the damn phone and fat fingers lost all of it.
Anyways.. welcome. Good to hear from ya. I have seen other gay guys on here asking similar questions. So do not lose hope. I am sure you will get what you're looking for. You're a good looking guy. I do not see what the problem would be unless the other guy is a real pussy, or queen. Gosh who needs that ..you keep your chin up. I believe you will find what you're looking for.. and VA. is not too far from the tri-state area. I welcome you and wish ya the best. -Warrior.

Hi... I wish you all the very best finding your forever person... Don't give up. I have seen other gay men on this site.
Hang in there and keep in touch with us.

Ange

Hello VANiceGuy. Thank you for your interesting post, which reflects a number of past posts expressing similar sentiments and experiences.
Making and maintaining relationships with human beings seems to be fraught with difficulties whether you are gay or not, have a stoma or not, or are simply another human being (or not). As with your other respondents, I can empathise with your position and, like them, I wish you all the best in finding someone whom you can develop a long-term relationship with.
Best wishes
Bill

Hi VA,

I think you're bringing up an interesting point that usually gets glossed over or not discussed at all... which is that guys are much more concerned (initially) with physical attributes than women are when it comes to finding a mate. Now before everyone starts the hate mail coming my way, let me explain. I'm not saying women don't care what a possible partner looks like... of course they do. But most women are deeper than us guys and value personality and non-physical attributes equally or of more importance. Guys, on the other hand, have been preprogrammed to place a higher importance on looks and physical attributes. Not every guy... but the majority of us. My experience with women (I'm straight) is that if they get to know you, and like your personality, when they discover you have an ostomy they simply don't care. Contrast that to guys that I used to hang around with that I considered to be "good" friends before my ostomy. Some haven't talked to me in years and they live close by. I think the whole ostomy thing just "weirds them out", while every women friend I had just couldn't care less. My advice to you, and I'm not 100% comfortable saying this, is to hide your ostomy from any potential partners for as long as you can while you build a relationship. Once strong feelings develop between him and you, a guy will be more capable of accepting your ostomy. It also means if he doesn't and bolts you'll have more invested in the relationship and it will hurt more... but that's the chance you take. Not sure what else to say, as being a guy I'm guilty of exactly what I describe, but it's not something that I can change... it's how I'm wired from the factory.

Regards,
Bob

Hi. I've had a colostomy for 3 years. I date on a regular basis though not looking for a LTR. I have a fuck buddy who doesn't know that I have an appliance due to me always wearing a weight belt. One gentleman did guess correctly, but he was a nurse and had done ostomy wound care. With looking for a LTR, this site is the best that I can think of without snarky responses. Thanks for your honesty.

Hi, as a gay male who has age and an ostomy to deal with, I've found no problems hooking up via dating sites with very nice guys. I do not discuss my ostomy, nor would I discuss my kidney stones or hernia. As I've mentioned on this forum, I wear a loose "weight belt" around my waist. It's more of a simple piece of cloth with Velcro, 6 to 8 inches in width, to cover both my colostomy bag folded up and my hernia. Not one man has rejected me and for 2 years acted as if it didn't matter, which in the scheme of life, it really is not the most important attribute you have! I, at a first or more date, just say that it covers a wound and a scar. "Let's leave it at that." Then move the conversation elsewhere. I now have a steady partner who, after 6 months (we slept in our own homes), when our medical histories came up in general conversation, the opportunity to further develop our relationship by letting him know what the nature of my "wound" was and how I got it. He had no problem with the information. He liked me. All I can say is self-confidence is what you need, not anything else. And a little "weight belt"...

Hi, I fully understand what you're going through. I am a lesbian and had my stoma when I was 56. I'm now 70 and have not had a relationship in the past 14 years. I'm glad to see you're reaching out. I waited too long. I've adjusted to my way of life and I'm happier than most people without a stoma. I pray you find the right person for you. At least you're in the right place. It took me 14 years to get a full-time membership. It will happen for you too. Stay well and keep your chin up.