Reply to CrappyColon
Yes, I have a fantastic therapist and two beautiful dogs that have never left my side. One knows I'm sick before I do and I try to push her away because I want one more day of not being sick, but she knows. She comes and plops herself right where the pain is and soothes me.
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The other is a complete asshole! I love him! It's always his way and on his terms, but late at night when I am in pain crying and everyone is asleep, he's up and watching over me. When I fall, he's the first at my side. He's incredibly protective... but don't tell him you know!
Sorry, I sound like I've never dealt with my PTSD. I have been working incredibly hard and have so many measures in place, but triggers happen. I had a procedure 2 weeks ago - a nerve block and they put epinephrine in and I have an arrhythmia. Apparently, I'm part of the small percentage who can't have epinephrine. Now, I know. I was awake, but couldn't ask for help and barely got out a noise. I could hear the fear in the doctor's voice, I felt them yank the long needles out, rip off the prep. He was ordering them to get the monitors on me now. I can usually get my heart to calm myself on my own because I have chronic sinus tachycardia so I know how it feels to run a marathon all day long, but this time I couldn't coordinate the beats. I felt myself... I don't know. I'll leave it there. My body wasn't my own. I also could hear their fear and I couldn't move. It triggered a past trauma.
People respond differently to trauma. It's almost impossible to sedate me now unless it's full and you use a lot. I wake up back in that bad place and fighting. I always explain in advance and we always make plans, but we have yet to desensitize my body.
If I step foot in a healthcare facility, hypervigilance kicks up. I have my self-soothing tools, but it also depends on the provider and environment. I used sound-blocking headphones now because my sensory issues are insane.
Since I was getting nerve blocks, my nervous system was alert and that is part of my illness. When that rollercoaster arrhythmia started, my sympathetic nervous system learned a new pathway and has been giving me crazy arrhythmia moments since. I'm scheduled to see someone, yes, but until then I'm getting non-stop panic attacks when I'm not sitting still. All my medical team is aware. I pushed my body too hard to avoid those constant attacks that meds and alternative options were not keeping away and I pushed too hard. Now, I'm paying in other ways. I know what got me here.
I'm a smart, educated, resourceful advocate for myself. I just thought this was the one place I was allowed to share without someone asking me if I had a therapist. I normally don't share anything because no one understands. Sorry, but that didn't help when I'm really in it right now. I understand the intention behind it, but I was very much just venting to a support group that I thought deals with the same situations. I wasn't looking for recommendations. I can Venmo a $35 copay, if necessary.