( I fear there will be some comment about if they love you they well accept you as you are)
Good luck with your relationship though hope it works out well for you
Thanks Ron! I have ordered from ostomy secrets but there products are just so uncomfortable. Has anyone tried the stoma caps? I ordered a bunch of them but don't dare to use those during intimacy because they leak and then having to put them on before or take them off afterwards takes a toll on the skin......Ughhh
|How do you tell someone?|
This is a challenging question Beccalea ~ in my experience there's a place deep within each of us where answers to challenging questions can materialize. Some people may find that a peculiar statement; however, here's proof of that place within:
If I give you a specific answer to your question, you will not embrace that answer if it doesn't resonate with that place within you, and there's your proof that something within you knows more than part of you realizes. I'll now give you one of many possible answers to your question so you can sense how that place within you responds:
Allow your partner to be the one to initiate intimacy, and when he does stop him by saying there's something you want to share with him that may affect his desire. What happens next is a wonderful way to learn more about this man you are with and for him to learn more about you. The benefit of this approach is you do not have to worry about when to bring up the subject.
Now I could go on and give you some radically different answers but I hope others will do that, and I hope you will enjoy exploring that place of answers within.
You know, this is seemingly an age old question and there are just as many good responses, some have already been given as you can see. I think it really comes down to that instant when you know that intimacy is 'ready to happen'. I have found that at this instant neither party gives a care about dealing with an issue of an ostomy. It is quickly put on the back burner so to speak. What happens thereafter is the true test and I feel this is good. At least that is what I have experienced.
I do have some advise about new relationships , not from experience but from thinking about it.
1. I would tell the guy probbaly on the 3rd or 4 th date before it got any further than petting.
This is before either of you get to attached
2. I would email them or write to them giving them an easy unembarrasing way out. You have to be brave here but if the guy doesnt call he is dirt and isnt worth bothering with
3. Be prepared to be hurt but never forget 85% of the population are nicepeople just a bit screwed up and 100% all want to be loved
With regards clothing, I have always thought it was easier for a lady. Wear your nomal pouch and I think they are called a lacy teddy, sort of all in one. Lets be honest here guys are after 3 things ( two uptop and one down stairs !!!!) if they can see teh pouch they aint going to worry about it.
I see that all the usual coments have already been made;
"If he really loves you, it won't get in the way". Thats true,
but by the time the love thing is beginning to happen, you will have already
gotten to the exploring stage. While the theory is admirable, it just don't hold water.
As far as clothes. covers,etc. goes, "that dog won't hunt either",
you are starting off with trying to deceive, a bad thing.
There is no advice that will work every time, but I DO have an idea, try it on for size.
Instead of just coming out and telling the guy to see how he reacts try this;
Begin by telling him about an "aquaintance" of yours,(a guy or a girl who has this
bag that they must wear constantly. And that they are afraid to tell for fear
of losing the prospective date. Say," do you think that is right for other people to feel
like they don't want to date anyone with a bag?" " My "aquaintance" is really haveing a bad time
with this problem," "what do you think?"
If nothing else it will give you an insight as to how your potential date will react to the situation.
as everyone else............I too wish you luck and well being
P.S. By the way there are single guys in this forum.......chat with them and see what their feelings
are, after all they are "wearing " too
May I make so bold that you show him such a good time, your bag won't even come into it.
When I was first fitted with a Stoma, I was in an induced coma for 5 weeks. My partner and my son sat either side of my bed coming up with ideas for bag covers (I know there are companies that do this). I have a strong passion for motorcycling, so you can imagine the idea of leather covers.......
What I am trying to say is make light of your situation as much as you can. Take life as it comes, and sad as it is, if your man can't handle your situation, then he ain't the one!!
Just seen this advertised here on the forum. May be worth a shot!
My name is Marsha, and I've had my ileostomy since I was 15 years old....and that was more than 45 years ago. It wasn't easy back then, and in the 18 years since I've been divorced, I've relived the "telling" over and over.
What a group of us, young adult ostomates decided back in the 1960's was that it's better to be the one to decide when to tell rather than feel pressured or "caught". I decided that if a guy's hands were going below my neck then I'd be the one to say....we need to talk.
It worked for me then...and it continues to work now. Back then, it could take months to get to that point.... Sadly, social mores have changed through the decades, so the " reveal" happens these days sometime around the second or third date. I've found that some men have absolutely no problem with the ostomy, or my scars....and laugh at my attempts to "hide" it with some sort of pouch cover.
A few years ago, I told a guy I thought would understand, and he couldn't get out of the restaurant we were in fast enough, Later, he told me he had a real problem with it, so that was that.
I started to see someone a few weeks ago, and when it seemed appropriate ( wandering hands) I told him about the surgery. He seemed to have no problem with it, and we probably shouldn't have gone any further.
But things did progress..... Without going into details.....without the layers of clothes....the in-opportune "gurgling" became disruptive. In retrospect, that's what he said he couldn't handle. In this case, I think it was too much....too soon. But then, I'd rather know sooner than later.
So there are no really easy or right answers. My ostomy is my "battle scar", and I know that if someone is really going to care about me, it won't make a difference. But I learned something by getting involved a little "too soon". It can take someone a little more time to understand, and accept..... and I have to be willing to give them that opportunity.
Best of luck to you.
I'm 43 and a single parent and also hoping that there might still be someone out there for me, though i think i maybe am nearer to giving up!. We are all in the same situation, but there is strength in numbers. x
If it does bother anyone, and it will, they're just not who you want to hang out with.
As my doctor told me when I had the original ileostomy (have had several revisions due to Crohn's), this is your chance to separate the men from the boys. He said the same type of person who would hold this against you would do the same thing if in the future you were to lose a breast, or be in an accident that scars your face.
Best of luck! I'm 67 now, and haven't met anyone in the past couple of years I'd want to share my time with, so I guess I've quit dating. Just make sure someone is worthy of knowing your very personal information.
Anyway Becca, someone will accept you for who you are. Let's keep our chins up.
Ostomy Secrets have a wrap, Wear the pouch sideways and any type of wrap around it. There are other products out there which wraps around the wait velcrow etc. Also wear a tube top over like the girls say. At intimate moments with beautiful girls like you it not going to matter to a guy.
|I don't believe that crap about accepting the way you are and if they don't they are "dirt" or Not Worth it" People have a right to accept what they want and that dosent make them a bad person!|
Regretably we haven't been intimate in a few weeks but that is not colostomy related..
1 - Don't call it a bag ever again. Call it a bandage, because that's what it is and people (including me) can get their heads around that easier.
2 - Love yourself by dressing your bandage up with one of those support items - covers. They look pretty cool and sexy. Use what god has given us and feel sexy.
3- Turn up some music to cover up the sounds.
4- The conversations starts up front and honestly - after a couple of dates - I have something to share with you. I have a bandage that I'm going to have for a while. It's given me a lot of gifts in life - one is being more accepting of other people's bodies. It has to do with some intestinal issues that I've had and some surgeries that I've had. It's no big deal.
None of the women I've dated have had an issue with it. Ultimately, we go to the bathroom out of our stomach instead of our anus! It's nothing to get freaked out over. It's our egos that don't like change, but our minds control our thoughts. Take control of your life and change the way you look at things. People will follow you.