Hey there,
I'm new to the whole forum thing, but I've been reading through others' posts. The one about meeting another ostomate sparked a question of my own. So here it is: what about romance/love with anyone since your surgery? I have had Crohn's since I was 6. Most people don't know I'm sick at all, just my close friends and family, but I'm good at hiding it. I noticed when I was younger, as soon as someone found out how sick I was, they would treat me differently, look at me with sympathy even though they didn't always mean to. I never let this affect my love life though. I was always lucky to find men that understood and knew me for who I am, not what I have. But sadly for me, that has all changed. For the first time in my life, I'm extremely self-conscious, so much that I don't even let a guy get close enough to ask me out. I've put up this wall. I recently moved to Ontario and not a soul here knows I'm sick or have an ostomy, and to tell a romantic interest about it terrifies me. I was lucky enough to get pregnant just after my surgery (a friend who knows me, I didn't need to tell him). He wasn't ready to be a dad, but I got the love of my life from him, so I threw myself into being a mom, and it's been awesome. I started my own business this year, so I keep busy, but this thought inside my head asks me every day if I'll ever find someone again, someone to share my days with who cares about me, because I know I have lots of love to give... Anyway, that is by far the most personal information I've ever shared, but I thought this might be a place that others have felt the same... so back to my question, if you found someone post-ostomy, how did you tell them, or did it scare you as well?
Hope everyone is well...
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Hello everyone!!!
It has been almost a year since joining this site. I just wanted to share. I know a lot of people get concerned about meeting someone on here. I'm not a lifer membership and I had someone initiate to take me out. I've been divorced since 2009. He lives in Chicago. I ignored the first time thinking he was joking. I live in Milwaukee. So a month later he sent me a message through this site saying he wanted to meet me. That was in April this year. I must say it was the best thing that could happen to me. We talk almost every day. We have so much in common. He comes up all the time to spend the day or weekend together. It really does make a difference when someone has an ostomy like you. Such understanding and we always have something to talk about. I want to share because sometimes people think it's hard to meet someone or they say this site doesn't work. I'm a testimony that this site does work. We are talking marriage this time next year. I will keep you posted.
Dear MysticAngel:
There is sex and intimacy after ostomy surgery! I've been an ostomate for almost 23 years now (November 1986), and 10 years after, in 1996, I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy who is now 12 and a half years old.
I had also married 4 years after my surgery as well. My husband never had an issue with my ostomy. When to tell someone about your ostomy is really a personal decision. I really don't remember when I told my husband; I believe it was rather early on when we started dating because I had to have a procedure and he took the day off from work to bring me to the hospital and stayed with me the whole time.
As for the 'right' time for telling a potential boyfriend, I've always debated when to say something myself. For the most part, I've waited just long enough to see if there's a connection or not, and then I've explained in the simplest of terms that I have an ostomy. I've had both positive and negative reactions to this approach.
I have found myself to be a single full-time parent for the last 3 years, and that is my first and most important concern, being the best parent I can be to my son. Should I meet someone nowadays, I have no trouble telling them I'm an ostomate, and if they can't handle it, they aren't worth my effort. So with that being said... someday you will meet someone who's perfect for you and won't care in the least about your ostomy!
Good luck with everything, stay in touch, and welcome to the website!
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Dear MysticAngel,
I have had Crohn's Disease for 18 years. No one really understood what it was when I was diagnosed. I went to many doctors who told me it was all in my head. When people found out I was sick, they thought I was looking for attention or special treatment. Most people would say to me, "But you look so good." The one giveaway was my weight. At one point, I was 95 pounds at 5'6". I hid it well and was a police officer for 12 years. I was out sick a lot. I had many hospital stays and I am on my second resection surgery, first ileostomy back in May. The police department retired me on disability several years ago. Although I loved my job, I could not keep up with the physical demands of it. Plus, it was a lot easier when I was 21.
I met a man through a mutual friend. We briefly saw each other from a distance and had our mutual friend exchange our phone numbers. Before we even went on a date, we talked on the phone several times. I told him about my illness before I ever met him. I told him exactly what it was and gave him the option of whether he wanted to get involved with someone who had a lifelong illness. That was almost 12 years ago. We have been together ever since. We married in 2002 and in 2003 had our first of 3 children. It has not been a fairy tale marriage and we had a lot of ups and downs. After seeing someone on a daily basis sick all the time and feeling helpless because you cannot help them takes its toll. He has had to take on more than his share in our relationship and our household. He has been great with the ostomy thing; he even did the emptying of it for me after surgery. Surgery hit me hard and I am still trying to recuperate. It is taking me longer than I expected and I guess I am the one who is not handling it well. I have had other problems after surgery and I feel that I am never going to heal...but that is another story.
I think you should lay it out there if someone is special to you. If they cannot handle it, better to find out early on in the relationship than to fall in love with him and have him walk away because of it. I cannot see anyone walking away from a beautiful person like yourself. If someone did, would you really want to be with him in the first place?
Good luck,
BLuAngL77
I have enjoyed dating and romance since my ileostomy 10 years ago. I was 25 back then. In the balance of things, I have enjoyed more relationships and romance post-operation. I have had a mix of experiences, but nothing malicious and nothing nasty. I may be lucky in that I am a guy, so these liaisons have been with girls. I would debate that overall, females show greater empathy and are more emotionally sensitive (guys, don't shoot me down. I know it does not apply to you, etc., etc., but just my own opinion from my own experiences!). After a number of girlfriends, I dated and subsequently married a work colleague. Alas, we are now divorced, although the whole bag thing never fazed her. What did was when, 2 years into marriage, I got a parastomal hernia out of the blue and required quite a lengthy emergency operation. She stood by until I was fit, around 5 weeks later, and then she was never herself, very shell-shocked. I think the bag issue was never an issue; however, as a young woman, she was very paranoid that she would be left alone. However, I have subsequently dated since then and enjoyed anything from a week to a year-long relationships, and again, nothing adverse. I do actually believe that the internet has made research by the "man in the street" far easier and has done much to raise awareness or at least dispel some myths, urban legends, etc., from those who want to learn more about a prospective partner. In life, I have found that women have always wanted to learn more; blokes take the pee. I think there is someone for everyone, although I have learned enough about myself to respond when I am being my own worst enemy by having negative thoughts or pre-empting or pre-judging other people's opinions of me. This site is very good, having a big membership. A previous site I have been on died a death as most members lurked and did not come forward. I think most people here seek the same thing, and we are all very much among friends that understand, share the same concerns, and have experienced similar life-changing challenges in life and have thought the same things. However I have dated, I have enjoyed romance, and I know that I will date until I find the girl to marry again.
My Ostomy Journey: Jearlean | Hollister
Yup...we're all in this together my friends. It is good we have each other. Never give up on finding a partner or lover in life, no matter if you have an ostomy, are missing a leg, or have an extra eyeball in the center of your forehead like a Cyclops...we all stumble through life. We fall, we pick each other up….etc. Crap happens, and it always will. Life can be hard, but it's worse if you stumble along your path alone …with no one to pick you up when you fall….or fall with you.
Be happy everyone! Much love from your WD
I think the only way to go on and meet someone is to just be yourself; that's what attracts the opposite sex, and I know from personal experience that the ones who care about you and want to get involved are the ones who hang about. The ones who treat you like dirt and dismiss you once you've explained your situation are well rid!
I've been at both ends of the spectrum with guys in the last year, before and after the op, and all the problems I experienced were nothing to do with an ostomy. I've been able to go on dates and be confident about it. When it gets to the intimate stage, just be as sexy as possible. You don't have to take all your clothes off; a long top can conceal, and also for the girls, just keep your panties on and move them along a bit. This doesn't take away from the moment. A worry is that you may leak in the night and that would be a huge embarrassment, but men are deep sleepers, lol! By the time you sort stuff out, they may not have even woken up ;)xx
How to Impress a Woman
Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, wine and dine her, buy gifts for her, listen to her, respect her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her.
How to Impress a Man
Arrive naked ... with beer.
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Learn how convex skin barriers work and what benefits they offer.
Let's experience both sides of the coin. Everyone, show up naked with beer and... cuddle, candles, candy. What a coming out party!
Perhaps we should do the beer first, for those of us a bit modest. I must be very careful with
alcohol... after a few beers I begin to feel it... after a few more... well, I let everyone else feel it!!! Lol... Let the record show... just kidding
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Naked?? Beer?? Okay, where did you learn how to speak guy??? Great, now I can't concentrate on anything else!
The joys of alcohol allow me, for the record, to state that while I have never gone to bed with an ugly conquest, I have woken up to a few!
However, back to the party at "faith4Today"...
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Did you forget to put a condom on your keyboard? I hate when that happens!
Did you forget to put a condom on your keyboard? I hate when that happens!!!
Actually, I am so selfish I even wear ribbed condoms inside out!
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Hello out there,
I feel as though it is very tough to make any friends whatsoever! I am at a time in my life where it seems as though everything I say is the wrong thing. I would like to make some friends, and from there see where it goes?
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59rabbit
Hey Art, don't worry mate, we all go through it. I think my Mrs is going through the "Grumpy Old Woman phase." Everything I say is wrong... even when I know I'm right... well, I think I am. Hang on, I'll just go and ask her...
Hello
Bernie,
It is so difficult,
if not impossible,
for anyone to understand
what being
an
ostomate
, I think, this
is the main reason
for being a member
of this wonderful
website,
is
a hope
that
one day
to find the person
in your life
with your own
condition,
then we speak
the same language.
I
have not lost hope
of finding
my soul mate
here.
I've read some comments and I have to say the answers about how to become confident, secure, with high self-esteem, have intimacy without any issues, meet women, or men. All this, I'm afraid, is part of a large dynamic that occurs to some individuals who share perhaps some characteristics, people whose disposition already befits them for this situation.
The dynamic includes, out of so many, but the ones that are crucial and indispensable:
Deep knowledge of your ostomy situation, medically, physically. You have to make up for some parts now, and need to know exactly what is happening. Deep knowledge is indispensable.
A great appliance, easy to use, and clean, and secure enough
A willingness to change your diet and habits. I eat only healthy stuff now, and very little; the healthiest I've been ever
A great attitude
Great confidence in that you come ahead of this and set the rules as to who you will date and how much you will share, etc. I personally do not allow anyone to intrude into my health situation, I take care of myself exceptionally well. The day I cannot do it, there are specialized nurses I will afford for this. Those are my rules. I am sensitive, caring, loyal, and loving, and know my way around the bedroom. If they want a classy, intelligent, sophisticated, funny, sensitive male with dreams and goals I pursue as we speak; trying to make time for hobbies, but writing is a hobby. Well, they can choose and decide the quality of relationship they want, they accept my rules, deal, otherwise, move on, too many beautiful honest loyal fish in the water to suffer for anyone.
Have hobbies, dreams, something that will interest the other, connect through solid things you can share and touch with them
Know lovemaking. If a woman, must know a man and his reactions and where this or that to the T, same goes for a man, if you don't know at this age what buttons to push, then that's a problem, but can be corrected, tons of information online.
Again, attitude, the feeling you have a sense of a healthy dose of being worth it, that you have something to offer that will entice the other person.
Having some charisma does not hurt but it is not necessary, honesty carries the day, always. There is someone for everyone out there, being able to be comfortable in your skin is important.
It's a whole dynamic that occurs for the people that rise above it. It can be done, takes work, anyone can do it. Following a plan and having an honest approach and attitude is everything. Defense never works, must seize the moment. Find support, a therapist helps, if just for that warm shoulder to rely on for a few hours a month.
Having a sense of humor is essential, you have to laugh about this and at this, makes the time go by more merrily.