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When do I bring up the bag?

Mon Feb 29, 2016 9:54 pm
"This is the best website for people with an Ostomy, hands down. So much understanding. Everyone should join."

Since I've been newly dumped and new to having a colostomy can someone tell me please the proper procedure for getting to know that special someone without having them run out of the door screaming.

do I let them find out on their own and turn it back on them by saying "when were you going to tell me about the false eyelashes?"

please dont take this seriously I'm working on new jokes for my comedy routine. Anyway this place could use some lightening up.

Tue Mar 01, 2016 2:06 am

Hello Phil. When you say 'don't take this seriously' it feels like you don't want an answer to your question. However, the question has arisen several times before from people who are seriously looking for answers so I thought I would drop in my contribution just in case others are looking for serious replies.

There is no 'proper procedure' and if it is  in your nature to make a joke of it then I'm all for it - we need a bit of a laugh about these things sometimes.  

One problem with jokes is that unless the recipient  thinks they are funny,  they can be just as offputting as the condition being joked about. I wish you well in your search for 'funny' because in my experience That is not always an easy thing to find.

Best wishes


MeetAnOstoMate - 27,282 members

Tue Mar 01, 2016 5:17 am

I've always told them at the start, never thought having an ostomy is something to hide from anyone, had my ostomy more than half my life never had anyone run screaming when I tell them, only when I take the paper bag of my head lol. Confindence in yourself is the most important thing to make them feel relaxed, no need to go into great detail on why you have it they will ask anything they want to know in there own time

Tue Mar 01, 2016 11:53 pm

It's true, I wasnt looking fo a serious answer. Fate has dealt me and us all a wicked hand. I'm just not the kind of guy to let adversity win. I will make light of my situation and move on. It's a tough world and getting tougher. I will not lie down as long as  I can die in my tracks.

Sat Mar 05, 2016 9:28 am

Hi Phil...

Having an ostomy certainly changes how I do things, however, it hasn't changed who I am. My relationship with most people (like colleagues at work or clients) does not include discussion about my ostomy. My approach is to develop relationships with men that interest me & have an interested in me. I do not discuss my ostomy with everyone & therefore I suppose I'm not upfront. it either works out or at worst, doesn't. 

Sat Mar 05, 2016 9:49 am

phil, im in same boat. im start to date again. sacred to death. i have to make goals setup in life that i wish to reach. plus i know have another surgery coming now...one i'm not going to like, dangerous yes. but nessacary. i going setup later in life hopefully. live my life the best i can.

Sat Mar 05, 2016 10:02 am

This is always an interesting question. I was married a 20 and 18 years later find myself divorsed raising two girls on my own. So when I got my ostomy 14 years ago I was thought I would be in this situation. Now when I date, I usually don't say anything until there has already been some form of commitment, and I have a read on the other person. That's when I normally drop guide the conversation and drop the bomb. Very surprisingly it has never been an issuue. It seems to be I am more worried about it they they are. My therory has also been, if you dating me, your dating me for my heart and mind, the rest is a bonus. Where you may run into a problem is if it's just for what they call a "Net Flicks and chill" situation. (I had to Google it when I was asked. Lol) Then I would suggest an ostomy may become a little more of a barrier. (pls excuss the spelling, I am on my phone. Lol)

Sat Mar 05, 2016 10:14 am

I don't say anything about my bag unless I am in a serious relationship and it's heading for sex.  I was newly divorced when I had my surgery back in 94 34 years old and I've been in relationships and remarried and divorced again but it had nothing to do with the bag on my side.  If a person stops seeing you because of that then they weren't worth your time anyway. You are worth more than a bag on your side it doesn't stop you from living.  I'm 54 now and have never had anyone not date me because of a bag on my side

Sat Mar 05, 2016 10:52 am

im 38, was married 18 years. my divorced when i got the bag, found out she was cheating on me with a married man. oh well her loss my gain. im enjoying life having fun. and getting healthier. she left when i was low now am back. oh well so sad. people will either like for who i am or not who i am.

Thu Apr 07, 2016 11:40 am

Ill  be honest what i used to do is date them a few times and see how things generally go.. explain your illness but dont bring the bag into it just yet, as time goes by say a few months then just say you have one due to illness etc if they begin to fade away think to yourself do you actually want a women/male like that anyway??? if they cant be there for just a small bag would they be there on your death bed?? end of the day its personality what makes a women like you i think ill be honest my body is sooooo bad with a moon shaped scar and a bag to go with it! go to the gym to gain confidence and transform yourself what overpowers your bag mentally and physically you'll be more confident and overcome the bag like its nothing what so ever.. ill be honest ive been known as a player haha! and ive never once known anyone to be bothered by it.. the bigger the problem you make it the bigger problem they will think it is, just tell them in total confidence and they will get the impression thats its small thing, tell them crying and they will be frightened and likely to run away.. some times you have to be a arrogant :) ill be honest ill pulled a blonde bombshell who everyone looks at in the gym so if i can do it what says that you cant do it? CONFIDENCE IS KEY :)

Fri Apr 08, 2016 4:42 pm

I don't hide the fact that I have an Ostomy, and look at the positive, without the operation I'd be somewhere I don't want to be. Furthermore if the potential friend can't deal with it, I won't waste my time wining and dining her only to find out it was a waste of time and effort. After my operation an ex GF needed a place to stay, and although she doesn't like the idea of I having an ostomy, she has no choice. And Liam is right Confidence is Key, you're welcome to use my them song: Simply the Best. even when expressed facetiously.

Ed Maste

Sat Jul 09, 2022 7:48 pm

labrat wrote:

phil, im in same boat. im start to date again. sacred to death. i have to make goals setup in life that i wish to reach. plus i know have another surgery coming now...one i'm not going to like, dan...

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