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Dating and close intimacy..


hi guys

i have crohns and ileostomy, but i still would like that close intimacy of a women.. What is the view here

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Not sure how helpful my reply will be, as I was married (and still am!) throughout my ordeal which ended up with my colostomy. With some experimentation we have returned to a full and active sex life. Sometimes I wear something that covers my appliance (like a slinky nighty) and sometimes nothing at all. But he was, of course, aware of it from day 1.

OstomySecrets makes clothing which can hide/hold in place your pouch during intimate moments, even for men, I believe. You might check out their web site for what is available. Also, I ALWAYS make sure my pouch is changed and empty before an intimate interlude, so no unpleasant surprises or odors no matter what.

I guess what it really comes down to is a question which has been discussed often on this site - at what point do you mention to your potential partner that you have an ostomy. You might search for some of these discussions, and see which answers resonate for you.

The bottom line is that you will have to think about this question and come to some conclusions on your own BEFORE you end up backed in a corner and saying the wrong thing at the wrong time because it all slipped up on you. Frankly, I have never been backward about talking about my situation - not shouting it out to everyone, but not keeping silent. But, then again, I have never had to look for a potential partner who didn't already know about it.

Good luck - there have been many success stories here on the site, as well as not so successful. But then, that's life. Even without a stoma, there will be successes and not-so-successful encounters. Keep looking forward, not back, and know that eventually you will find the right person to whom the ostomy won't mean anything at all, because it is simply part of the whole package which is you.


thank you, for the comment


Hi,   My name is Marsha, and I had my ileostomy when I was a kid of 15.....and that's nearly 50[+  years ago.  I dates some, in high school, and some knew about my surgery and other's didn't.   I ended up marrying a guy who also had an ileostomy.   I met his mother through a fund raising event for our osstomy group, and in my attempt to get him to join the group, we started to communicate and then date.    Although we were married for 24 `1/2 years, we eventually grew apart, as our values and methods of coping with issues was quite different.   We did have two sons together......and sadly they both have IBD.   One has Crohn's like his dad, and the other has Ulcerative colitis,as I did.   But thankfully, both have maintained their health on medications & diet, and neither have needed surgery as yet.   I've been dating the second time around now.....for more than 20 years, and my best suggestion to you is to look for someone you really care about.   Give her a chance to know who you are,  before you tell her about your surgery...   That may be a week, a month or a year.   It's when you feel comfortable.    I generally tell, once I fell that I want to get to know the person better.....or hope the relatioship will become intimate.   I keep it lite.....and don't get into all the medical issues, and stories.....  just some basic facts, and leave the door open for questions.   Some guys have no problem with it.....and others.....well, the worst was a guy getting up from lunch, and leaving the table..   I guess he had a problem with it.    I've always had enough faith in myself, that if a person had a problem with " it" , the ostomy, then he wasn't the right one for me...    I'ts been my badge of survival.....   Best of luck to you..  Marsha


I have colostomy and wear loose clothing. Dated a woman a few times. Told her about the bag and she excepted it. Still dating! 


Go for it.  They either accept it or reject it.  If they reject you because of it they weren't worth bothering with anyway.  As a whole since I've  been dating it hasn't become an issue.


thanks for your reply Very helpful

There are many challenges to intimacy for a new (or even seasoned) ostomate...but the bag really isn't one of them. Personally I feel the mental obstacles are the biggest challenges, not the physical ones.

I agree with member - lowflyingbs , but truthfully have found this challenging. I work in healthcare as a nurse and have had colleagues express their discomfort with ostomies when dealing with patients and these are supposed to be compassionate healthcare workers, so as such professionally and personally have spent years only divulging that I wear an appliance on a need to know basis, such as with new ostomy patients who are struggling to adapt etc.. They cannot believe it when they find out their unstoppable nurse deals with what they do. The reason I decided to join this site is in hopes that maybe meeting someone who has an ostomy as well is a good starting point . But reread lowflyingbs comment he is right and your cute as hell there has gotta be a partner fellow ostomate or not, you just havent met her yet. 

Cascadian is right on the money. If you're embarrassed, feel ashamed, uncomfortable, ... then your partner will too. Just act and do the same things you did before your surgery.
Mike Q

I think that two many people are to judgemental when it comes to us guys the problem is they have no idea what it's like I was married for 39 years and he passed away Jan 20 and it's very rough even if I didn't have an ostomy I would still date a guy with one what the  is the difference it's not what you have on the outside it's what you have inside they need to wake there missing a lot thanks donna


Our work as estimates is to convince everyone, this is a surgery that saved lives, not make people pariahs

Thank you all.

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