Dating with Crohn's and an Ileostomy: Seeking Intimacy

Hi guys,

I have Crohn's and ileostomy, but I still would like that close intimacy of a woman. What is the view here?

Not sure how helpful my reply will be, as I was married (and still am!) throughout my ordeal which ended up with my colostomy. With some experimentation, we have returned to a full and active sex life. Sometimes I wear something that covers my appliance (like a slinky nighty) and sometimes nothing at all. But he was, of course, aware of it from day 1.

OstomySecrets makes clothing that can hide/hold in place your pouch during intimate moments, even for men, I believe. You might check out their website for what is available. Also, I always make sure my pouch is changed and empty before an intimate interlude, so no unpleasant surprises or odors no matter what.

I guess what it really comes down to is a question which has been discussed often on this site - at what point do you mention to your potential partner that you have an ostomy. You might search for some of these discussions, and see which answers resonate for you.

The bottom line is that you will have to think about this question and come to some conclusions on your own before you end up backed into a corner and saying the wrong thing at the wrong time because it all slipped up on you. Frankly, I have never been backward about talking about my situation - not shouting it out to everyone, but not keeping silent. But, then again, I have never had to look for a potential partner who didn't already know about it.

Good luck - there have been many success stories here on the site, as well as not so successful ones. But then, that's life. Even without a stoma, there will be successes and not-so-successful encounters. Keep looking forward, not back, and know that eventually you will find the right person to whom the ostomy won't mean anything at all, because it is simply part of the whole package which is you.

Thank you for the comment.

Hi, My name is Marsha, and I had my ileostomy when I was a kid of 15...and that's nearly 50+ years ago. I dated some in high school, and some knew about my surgery and others didn't. I ended up marrying a guy who also had an ileostomy. I met his mother through a fundraising event for our ostomy group, and in my attempt to get him to join the group, we started to communicate and then date. Although we were married for 24 1/2 years, we eventually grew apart, as our values and methods of coping with issues were quite different. We did have two sons together...and sadly, they both have IBD. One has Crohn's like his dad, and the other has Ulcerative colitis, as I did. But thankfully, both have maintained their health on medications & diet, and neither have needed surgery as yet. I've been dating the second time around now...for more than 20 years, and my best suggestion to you is to look for someone you really care about. Give her a chance to know who you are, before you tell her about your surgery... That may be a week, a month, or a year. It's when you feel comfortable. I generally tell, once I feel that I want to get to know the person better...or hope the relationship will become intimate. I keep it light...and don't get into all the medical issues and stories... just some basic facts, and leave the door open for questions. Some guys have no problem with it...and others...well, the worst was a guy getting up from lunch, and leaving the table. I guess he had a problem with it. I've always had enough faith in myself, that if a person had a problem with "it", the ostomy, then he wasn't the right one for me... It's been my badge of survival... Best of luck to you. Marsha

I have a colostomy and wear loose clothing. I dated a woman a few times. I told her about the bag and she accepted it. We are still dating!

How to Adjust to Life with an Ostomy with Bruce | Hollister

Go for it. They either accept it or reject it. If they reject you because of it, they weren't worth bothering with anyway. As a whole, since I've been dating, it hasn't become an issue.

Thanks for your reply. Very helpful.

There are many challenges to intimacy for a new (or even seasoned) ostomate... but the bag really isn't one of them. Personally, I feel the mental obstacles are the biggest challenges, not the physical ones.

I agree with the member - lowflyingbs, but truthfully, I have found this challenging. I work in healthcare as a nurse and have had colleagues express their discomfort with ostomies when dealing with patients, and these are supposed to be compassionate healthcare workers. So, professionally and personally, I have spent years only divulging that I wear an appliance on a need-to-know basis, such as with new ostomy patients who are struggling to adapt, etc. They cannot believe it when they find out their unstoppable nurse deals with what they do. The reason I decided to join this site is in hopes that maybe meeting someone who has an ostomy as well is a good starting point. But reread lowflyingbs' comment; he is right, and you're cute as hell. There has got to be a partner, fellow ostomate or not; you just haven't met her yet.

Cascadian is right on the money. If you're embarrassed, feel ashamed, uncomfortable, ... then your partner will too. Just act and do the same things you did before your surgery.
Best,
Mike Q

I think that too many people are too judgmental when it comes to us guys. The problem is they have no idea what it's like. I was married for 39 years and he passed away on January 20, and it's very rough. Even if I didn't have an ostomy, I would still date a guy with one. What is the difference? It's not what you have on the outside; it's what you have inside. They need to wake up; they're missing a lot. Thanks, Donna.

Our work as estimators is to convince everyone that this is a surgery that saves lives, not to make people pariahs.

Thank you all.