|honestabe wrote: |
Hello, have colostomy for 4 years. Wished I had it 50 years ago. Will be permanent. Am widowed after 40 years, am on 4 dating sites, most don’t even know I have a bag, the ones I get serious, I tell them! Have not been rejected yet! I wear a t shirt if we get intimate. Your hubby better be glad he has the bag! Am very sensual guy and could care less about the bag, Am 6’3 and 280!
I truly admire honestabe's attitude, maybe even envy him a little, or a lot.
I went into the hospital with a stomache, I came out with a bag. It was a nightmare, I had no idea what a bag was, only heard of it once in a Tom Cruise movie about a veteran.
It was a total nightmare for two years. My eldest brother and nieces nursed me back to life; that took a year, I was traumatized. I know I developed PTSD over this, that's how bad it affected me. I had a full life.
I completely threw myself into my professional life and a forced transition into a different field. In five years, I have come a long way, but for two years I was a zombie walking around, literally, working, but just in a state of shock. For all these years, I pretended I did not have this condition. I am very grateful my health is stable, but I have not had sex, or had any relationship with anyone with my condition until very recently that decided it was time to reintegrate myself into society by accepting this condition and learning to deal with it emotinally. I have not done that. I have not missed sex, I am not bad looking, average, and I have avoided advances, few of them, always walked away; nothing that could remind me in the real world that I have this bag. I don' t think I could deal with rejection. But, it can be learned, we adapt, it just takes some people much longer than others.
Your husband is living inside what I lived, a nightmare, perhaps, I don't know, but for two years, I was out of it, in a daze. To become whole is to accept this condition, face it, deal with it, get ready for rejection; this condition is more mental and emotional and spiritual than it is physical. I wish I could advise you, I ran from it until recently, denied it. That was my way to deal with it, have 'normal' friends who do not know what I have. A perfect way to become alienated form the world and first, oneself. Someone told me this recently; it's true. So, I realized, I must change, I want a full life, but it has taken me this long to feel whole again to a degree.
I do feel your pain, reading your piece brought back the memories of those first few years. It can be done, but it is the most difficult battle you have encountered, it has been for me, mentally, emotionally. Only now I am ready to be brave and face rejection; perhaps. This is hard and takes time and enormous devotion to change. Find him a therapist he can talk to, I did do that, and it helped me enormously. I feel good now, I'm battle-tested, have learned tons, and gained some wisdom, but it has been the most difficult challenge I have ever faced in my life. I truly hope you are not facing this alone.
I am touchy-feely, nurturing, loved hugs, cuddling, kissing, being close, laughing in bed wrapped in the arms of my loved one and vice-versa; all gone for five years, I repressed it and focused on things I could control.
I have found that only poems help me explain this situation. I hope you reach out in messages, there a lot of decent people here that would love to correspond with you and be there for you now and confront this with you. We must do this, so please reach out, send messages and seek support, some kindred souls will respond with love. Wish you the best, and I will keep you in my thoughts wishing you enough strength to go through this. Reaching the level of confidence to the level where Honesabe is, takes some longer than others, but your husband can get there.
This site was a godsend for me. It was the only place I found that gave me hope in those dark days, all the information I read made my condition so much better, took time, but the information here was invaluable to me. I came and read daily, and read, and read, and read some more, I am still reading. Only recently I have posted a more complete profile, was not ready before. It took a year to even entertain the idea that I could make a comeback, and then, I got ready for battle, I decided to just throw myself into goals I could control. It is a hard condition that many of us ran away from, try to ignore, and some, just have an easy time with it. Also, get him to support groups right away, it helps to see other people dealing with this, with the same issues, and to see some happy, it helps, gives hope. Enough to get your strength back again, to find that light at the end of the tunnel. You also need support, you are also having this condition, wether you want it or not. Wish you the best again. I wish I could be of some help; it is hard, but can be done.