I wish I had something wiser to say. But I don't. Your ostomy is a part of you now. It's what has allowed you to live. The fact that your husband can't see the gift before him makes me sad for you both.
If he can't see the miracle in front of him, maybe it wasn't meant to be. A friend once told me about the blind theory. That if one lost sight, it truly gives you the ability to see through the bs and know a person on such an intimate level. Beauty is only skin deep. If your man does not see the beauty in you, or the fact that you are alive because of your ostomy, then he is not worth being your husband.
The fact that you found incriminating things on his phone proves 2 things. One, he is looking at sites showing womens private parts. I don't know if they are dating or hook up sites or what. Two, you no longer trust him. For if you trusted him, you wouldn't have touched his phone. Again, it's a tough call.
You have to do right by you and your children. It's hard on a spouse to accept the new you. But if love truly endures all, he would have no issue with your ostomy. He may be afraid, he may say he'll do better. But it's been a year. And if he hasn't come around, you may have a harsh reality coming. If he's sleeping in the guest room, either he's terrified, doesn't know how to deal, or he wants to be with someone without a bag because he is ignorant that you are the same woman he fell in love with.
I don't say this lightly. I wish I could wave a wand and all would be perfect. But the real world is cruel. We live this life the best way we can. And there are so many people that are so much worse off than we are and we take so much for granted. If your man continues to give you the run around, you may have to consider the fact that this change is not the best for both of you.
I'm a realist FR, and I don't deal with bs. When I was planning the surgery, my gf at the time wasn't sure how'd she feel about me afterward. And I understood. But we had 11 wonderful years together. 3 years before surgery and 8 years after. We both realized that we weren't meant to be as we got older, and moved on. I pray and hope you can work it out with him, but the realist in me says it's time to move on. You and yours are in my prayers. I pray you find a solution.
All my hope,