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When to tell someone that I have an ostomy?

Posted by sooziq, on Sat Apr 13, 2019 4:11 pm

I am a widow--i have been talking to a fantastick guy online he is perfect, he wants to meet me--do I tell him I have an ileostomy before or after we meet face to face??I do not want o loose him at this point.Could some men tell me how they would like to learn this before or after face to face??Thanks

Past Member
Reply by Past Member, on Sun Apr 14, 2019 12:44 pm

I haven't had many successful long term relationships,  but most ended after the discloser of the dreaded topic of my disfigurement.   I figure the general public have image perception, whether it's weight, height, colors or religion.  

I've tried both open disclosure and the matter of fact, and surprise!  If people have hang ups,  their going to run for the hills, or just resort to "let's be just friends ", and and some work others, not so much.  

My feeling is that it's better to be up front before emotions are assumed, or expectations are high, as the short fall is not as severe, but the landing is still painful. 

Michael 

Past Member
Reply by Past Member, on Sun Apr 14, 2019 12:46 pm

I haven't had many successful long term relationships,  but most ended after the discloser of the dreaded topic of my disfigurement.   I figure the general public have image perception, whether it's weight, height, colors or religion.  

I've tried both open disclosure and the matter of fact, and surprise!  If people have hang ups,  their going to run for the hills, or just resort to "let's be just friends ", and and some work others, not so much.  

My feeling is that it's better to be up front before emotions are assumed, or expectations are high, as the short fall is not as severe, but the landing is still painful. 

Michael 

Reply by NJ Bain, on Mon Apr 15, 2019 10:49 am

sooziq,

  I've posted many times on this very subject.  The gist of it is, most men are very visual creatures.  And men aren't nearly as understanding as women are.  I personally have never had an issue with letting a woman know I have an ileostomy.  And I've never been rejected by a woman because of my ostomy.  Maybe it's because I exude confidence or it's because I have an "I don't give a fxck" attitude.

  I agree with Michael when he says be up front.  The sooner he knows, the better, regardless of any feelings you have for him or he for you.  You have a 50/50 chance that he's going to be a great guy and be understanding, or he could turn out to be a shallow prixk.  Whatever the case, consider your ileostomy an a$shole detector.  Kind of like the door test in the movie, "A Bronx Tale".  Just to refresh everyone's memory or for those of you that haven't seen it, see the quote from the movie below.

Sonny:   "Alright, listen to me. You pull up right where she lives, right? Before you get outta the car, you lock both doors. Then, get outta the car, you walk over to her. You bring her over to the car. Dig out the key, put it in the lock and open the door for her. Then you let her get in. Then you close the door. Then you walk around the back of the car and look through the rear window. If she doesn't reach over and lift up that button so that you can get in, dump her."

Calogero:    "Just like that?"

Sonny:    "Listen to me, kid. If she doesn't reach over and lift up that button so that you can get in, that means she's a selfish broad and all you're seeing is the tip of the iceberg. You dump her and you dump her fast."

  You have no idea how many women have failed that test...lol.  Of course with modern technology with auto locks and what not, it kinda takes the fun out of it.

  I wish you luck with your suitor.  The sooner he knows, the sooner you can either have a great relationship, or move on to the man you're supposed to be with.  We only go around this crazy world one time.  Why waste time dwelling on the what if's?  Just my 2 cents.

Bain

Reply by panther, on Tue Apr 16, 2019 11:00 am

I've always been open and told women straight away it's never been a problem there first words are usually I won't jump up and down on your stomach I always say you better or I'm gone lol, use humour make them feel relaxed and know that a stoma doesn't stop you doing anything they might not know much about ileostomy's....if they run and I don't expect they will then it wasn't meant to be and they weren't good enough for you with or without your ileostomy

Reply by sooziq, on Tue Apr 16, 2019 4:50 pm

Thank you I really like this man online and he wants to meet me I just do not want to be adisappointment with the ostomy.

Reply by Lt. Dan, on Wed Apr 17, 2019 12:15 pm

If he truly likes you and is attracted to you the Ostomy wont matter!. Maybe try some Lingerie also to spice it up!!!.

Reply by sooziq, on Wed Apr 17, 2019 12:34 pm

Thanks Yep i just bought new things and a myheart coverup for pouch.Thankyou for your opinion he sure seems like a great man

Reply by medic361, on Wed Apr 17, 2019 1:13 pm

Honesty is always the best policy, and if someone can’t love you as you are then they really aren’t worth the effort or heartache. 

Reply by Bigboredave, on Wed Apr 17, 2019 1:47 pm

Hello,

I don't feel the announcement of your physical condition is a topic for a first or second date.  If it goes further than that then you can broach the subject by starting the story with your illness and then life saving surgery.   I have had numerous women in my life and generally the subject was either never discussed if after a few dates I felt it wasn't going any where or if I felt there was a connection being made then I would bring it up, give a little back story, discuss removal of my colon and then the questions may come or not.  I really feel this is a conversation after a little repoire is established and not an in your face discussion. Never be needy and maintain your self confidence that is key.

 

Reply by Bigboredave, on Wed Apr 17, 2019 1:49 pm

Hello,

I don't feel the announcement of your physical condition is a topic for a first or second date.  If it goes further than that then you can broach the subject by starting the story with your illness and then life saving surgery.   I have had numerous women in my life and generally the subject was either never discussed if after a few dates I felt it wasn't going any where or if I felt there was a connection being made then I would bring it up, give a little back story, discuss removal of my colon and then the questions may come or not.  I really feel this is a conversation after a little repoire is established and not an in your face discussion. Never be needy and maintain your self confidence that is key.

 

Reply by sooziq, on Wed Apr 17, 2019 2:09 pm

Bigboreddave,

Thank you for your reply I figured we meet see if we still click and go from there.

Soozie

Reply by Bigboredave, on Wed Apr 17, 2019 4:04 pm

Sooziq,

Good for you, take it slow and easy and then when it is the right time you will know it.  I've had my ostomy since 1978 so I've experienced quite a bit and have been through all kinds of weather.  Enough your self and have fun, you're a great looking women and deserve the best.

 

Reply by sooziq, on Wed Apr 17, 2019 4:51 pm

Bigboredave,

Aww thanks sweet of you to say.Yes i have had my ileostomy for 42 years! i forget i have it till the littl shit tries to leak!!Have you lucked out and found a woman yet if I may ask?

 

Sooziq

Reply by pietrzak, on Wed Apr 17, 2019 5:00 pm

I have an Ileostomy and I know this is hard to deal with, I would like to know up front you have been talking on line for awhile and if he cares he will not mind or he may need more time. Good luck

Reply by sooziq, on Wed Apr 17, 2019 5:05 pm

pietrzak,

Thank you yes we have been online for some time keeping my fingers crossed.

Reply by StayingStrong, on Wed Apr 17, 2019 7:27 pm

I believe honesty is the best policy. If the individual is scared away by the fact that you have a ileostomy, he was not meant for you. That's just my opinion.   

Reply by Jay2013, on Wed Apr 17, 2019 8:49 pm
I have a Colostomy (Nov., 19, 2013), I have found out, it is better to be up front and tell them. I have been dating since April of 2014 and only one time it was an issue for her. And yes, I did a bad number on my head. I am about to be in a relationship now and she is fully aware.

My thought process (after the one) is, if that is an issue for them, then my hygiene routine will also be an issue. Do not sacrifice your osteomyelitis health for the chance of meeting “Mr. Right”.

Best wishes for you and I hope what ever you decide, it is the right thing for you.
Reply by TonyM, on Thu Apr 18, 2019 3:09 am

Hi Sooziq, I think the main thing here is to first totally check this guy out when you first meet as it is often the case that people are totally different in the flesh than they are online, your safety comes first before you even think of a intimate relationship. As for your Illeostomy, if you want to take the relationship further after meeting this guy then I would just bring the subject up and let him know, if he's a shallow Pr**k you will know straight away, but definitley bring the subject up before any real emotional connections start to develop.

 

Tony M

Reply by sooziq, on Thu Apr 18, 2019 9:37 am

TonyM

I total agree with you I would not get intimate immediatly,I need to see him in person and become friends not just online friends.So far he has been very nice to me and agentleman oh and I am older than him he does not care he also lost his wife 3 years ago.so he knows what I have been going through.Thanks for your opinion that is along the lines I am thinking.

Soozi

Reply by chet8625, on Thu Apr 18, 2019 12:50 pm

I've tried both being upfront in an on-line profile and waiting until you know someone a little better. I'll be honest and tell you when it's in my profile I get very little interest. But when I engage in an on-line conversation for a while and it looks like things may move along, I always tell them "Before this goes further, I have something to explain..." It seems that if I have established a decent base by then I have a better chance of moving forward with this person.

Either way it can be tough... no responses because you're upfront about it or having someone ghost you when you finally explain.

Good luck.

Reply by vanessa1970, on Tue Apr 23, 2019 12:46 pm

I’ve had an ileostomy for most of my adult life. Dating and pairing up isn’t just about being sexy but I find that a lot of people don’t put any time in trying to dress sexy, keep themselves fit, or have interesting things to say.

 

i say go in confident and vivacious. This guy has to earn the right to get intimate with you. Use some sass and guile. People love confidence. It isn’t his right to know on the first date. Lots of people have physical challenges and shouldn’t feel obligated to list these on the first few dates.

Also, invest in a well fittting corset. Tell him after you’ve had sex. Good luck! Life is short, so live it to the fullest!

Reply by Sissy123, on Wed Jun 05, 2019 6:49 pm

Hello Sooziq!

 

I would meet him publicly so he has an opportunity to see how I carry myself. That I'm clean and don't smell.

At the end of the date I'd let him know that I'm an ostomate! If the date was nice I'd let him know I enjoyed myself and hope we can do it again sometime.

Then go home! If he wants to see you again he'll call.

Reply by w30bob, on Fri Jun 07, 2019 10:48 am

Hi Sooziq,

  I'm in the same boat you're in........just started online dating and constantly debating when to tell about my ostomy.....and my being short gutted, which makes my appeal even worse to those who like to be very active.  I agree a lot with what Bain said.  You have to remember that everyone you meet/date is different.  Some guys will be jerks and you shouldn't care if they walk/run away.  Others will be iffy and maybe (if you're lucky) one or two will be a keeper.  I never get my hopes up too high with any one person because they seem to be making more and more single people every day, and if the one you're dealing with now isn't the "one" you'll forget him completely when you do meet the right guy.  The way I look at it is like this.........if I didn't have an ostomy and I started dating someone who did have one.....would I care?  Or if I started dating someone who had a family history of cancer and not living past 60.......would I run for the hills?  Not if I thought I really loved her.  People tend to confuse "like a real lot" with "love".  The later is supposed to be unconditional.  If there's a condition that you can't deal with......it's not love.  Back to that girl I'm dating with the ostomy........if I didn't get that "butterflies in my stomach feeling" when I was with her I'd probably end the relationship because I know I'm really wasting my time.  Not because she has an ostomy, but because she's not really the one for me.  I don't want to waste time dating and getting into a relationship with someone because it's convenient or because I'm lazy, I want to find the "one" I'll be with the rest of my life, not just a Saturday night every once in a while.  So what I've been doing is waiting for a few dates to figure out if I really want to pursue a relationship with this person and give her a chance to do the same.  If you're checking all his boxes, ie, not a psycho, not self centered or a diva, attractive to him, etc, etc, having an ostomy isn't going to make any difference to him.  If you're not checking all his boxes it gives him a convenient (in his mind) reason to get the heck out of Dodge.......and you should be glad he does.   

  So bottom line....every guy will be different.  Give each a chance to love you and see where it goes.  If it's right then having an ostomy won't make a bit of difference because he's going to want to be with you no matter what. If when you tell him he runs for the hills he wasn't meant for you in the first place and you need to forget about him and focus on finding the right guy (who's out there looking for you).  Life is way too short to sweat the big stuff.

;O)

 

regards,

bob

 

 

Reply by sooziq, on Sat Jun 08, 2019 12:43 pm

Bob, Thanks I have told him he is fine with it!Lucky me.We are seeing where this relationship goes Do not want to rush into anything to fast.He is a really nice guy and a gentelman a few years younger than me but he does not care about age.I really really like him.

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