Overcoming Intimacy Fears at 70+

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JudiA

Hello all, not a regular poster but recently I met a man, a bagless man, and it seems to be moving in the direction of intimacy but I am scared and anxious. This is not conducive to good times. How do you get over that first hurdle? I have been single for 8 years - practically a nun. No one has seen me nude except for medical people. We are both in our 70's and of course have our baggage and scars to bear. Or bare as it were. Just wondering what, if anything, others have done to get over this hump (pardon the pun).


BagLady Judi

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Bluesky

Judi, I'm 61 and single. My surgery was about 10 months ago. I can relate to your situation! I haven't dated yet and am very nervous about it too. I imagine myself having to muster all my strength to bring this up and share it. Hopefully, you know enough about him that you believe he will accept it? If he doesn't, then better to find out now, right? Someone else suggested starting the conversation by asking him if he knows what an ostomy is. If you don't mind, please keep us posted on how it goes! Wishing you well!

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Maried

Figure out how you are most comfortable telling him... with pictures or words. If he is a keeper, a kind compassionate person, he will accept it and you can move forward in your relationship. If not, you just move to the next man. There are plenty of very nice men to date. I have had mine since I was a young woman. I was married over 20 years, now divorced, and had a couple of boyfriends too.

Be positive!

Bill

Hello Judi.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts and anxieties on this delicate issue. There is, of course no 'right' answer or advice we can give on this subject as we are all different and react differently to various circumstances. What you can do is take some control over your side of the relationship. It helps in any interaction if you can present as being confident and (relatively) happy with your own mind and body, including the scars it may have endured on the way in life. This is all part of of your personality and if you have difficulty accepting it, then others may also find it hard.  I try to envisage myself in these tricky situations, and think that I would probably enjoy the realtionship as it develops and when it is getting very close to intimacy, I would be honest about my anxieties in this regard. i.e. I would be concerned about how he would feel and react, if he thought that physical operations made a person less than perfect. This would likely lead the conversation to explaining about stomas, their management , and their 'inconvenience' when it comes to intimacy. Communication is often the key to a good/stable/long-term relationship so if you can get that off to a good start, then you stand a better chance of things going right in the future.

Best wishes

Bill

JudiA


Thanks for your input - he does know that I have a permanent ileo - sort of flashed the top of the bag when he was showing me his "elephant nose" CPAP and I chuckled and said at least it comes off during the day - mine never except when changing it. He hasn't run away, but I also have never been to his home. This made me feel a bit hinky, so I asked him if there was another woman and that was why he hadn't invited me.    
THERE IS!   He says just a housemate but I am still unsure.   I wasn't looking for exclusivity and I told him so. Just didn't understand why it was never brought up unless he had reason to hide it.   Now what?   We will remain friends and just take things slow.   We both have C-PTSD and have come out of bad marriages.   So slow is good.

Thanks for responding

Judi the Bag Lady

 
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JudiA


He knows but hasn't seen it yet. I too have had this "spout" mine since 1989 with a failed J-pouch and 4 revisions over the years. nbsp

Thank you for responding nbsp; I also am divorcing my mate of 28 years.

JudiA


Thanks - good to hear from the male side of this crazy equation - I thought we were getting close to "doing it" then I found out he has a woman living with him, says just a housemate but it kind of made me step back a bit. We have discussed it and I picked up some anger on his part because he felt like I was asking to explain himself and that triggered some bad emotions. Live and learn. Right? We both have had bad marriages and are single, so not wanting to jump into anything especially at our ages, both in our early 70s. We, well, me, isn't looking for hassle or drama. Another cliché - Time will tell.

The Bag Lady

Maried

Be careful and trust your instincts. If he gets ruffled about facts, he is hiding something. Take it very slow and have faith that things will change. My girlfriend fell in love at 70 years old. Old friend at their high school reunion. They are on their second year together.

JudiA

I have heard his explanations/justifications, and while they are not a problem, his failure to invite me is. It is still stuck in my craw (so to speak). I have better conversations with this man than my now ex-husband of 28 years. Not to make excuses, but in this day and age, many of us have to have roommates just to get by. Yes, it triggered me, and yes, my pointing it out triggered him. We both know that about ourselves now. It may not be a good fit, I know. He is a geek and night owl, I am more a laid-back hippie type. He is on a heart-healthy diet which includes lots of fiber, me I can't. So how does one maneuver around all that? Guess it is good he is three hours away. Thanks again for your input and your time.

The Bag Lady

Judi

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