I've been through losing a husband of 28 years, then within months having cancer and having the one solid rock not there to help me through. Surviving cancer twice on your own, then having reconstructive surgery and an ostomy, has been extremely difficult. I long for someone like him to be by my side, my Shallow Hal. In reality, there's been no one. I'm just a bag lady with no rectum, and I feel like a freak show. Memories of being sexy and pretty are just that... All the people you meet on here live worlds away. Just feeling really defeated and sad...
GrannyDeb
Oct 21, 2020 11:33 pm
Lily17
Oct 21, 2020 11:47 pm
Hi, Deb.
I haven't been on this site for terribly long. I believe that even if I never meet my gentleman here, it's at least a comfort to know that someone else - even if they are somewhere else - understands about some of my daily concerns.
It seems so few relationships last these days. You were able to spend 28 years with someone you loved, and who loved you too. What a blessing.
Just wanted to reach out and hope this message finds you more... hopeful. One day at a time, Deb... Keep reaching out to us too.
Lily17
MeetAnOstoMate is a remarkable community of 41,407 members.
“Every morning with my coffee, I read here and feel wrapped in warmth - I hardly post, but it still feels like family.”
“Our oncologist literally wrote down the link; they said more patients need this website.”
“This place pulled me out of the dark. I went from lurking to living again.”
“At 3am, someone’s awake somewhere in the world. I’m never alone here.”
Posted by: Audrey Warren
This site is a godsend. As a newbie (colostomy on Nov 8, '21), I look at it every day for a number of reasons. Reading what people are going through makes me grateful that my elective surgery because of a severe case of IBS-C is nothing compared to what they have been through and are still living with.
I don't have to go to the hospital for anything related to my ostomy. I feel sorry for those who do and am in awe of those who can use humor to describe their ordeal. I identify with those who express their fears. I especially identify with those who are depressed because I am clinically depressed and have general anxiety disorder. How ironic that having a colostomy eliminated some of the depression and anxiety that the IBS created. I've been widowed twice and I'm on match.com.
I immediately included my operation in my profile and am pleased to say it doesn't seem to make a difference.
And there is much humor on this site and it's one of the reasons I enjoy it so much.
I could name numerous things I've learned from reading people's comments/questions/answers.
After months following on a daily basis, my only negative comment is I don't like listing the most popular members.
It's not that I don't like these people; I do. It's that I think it elicits some "Facebook"-like banter or comments that are gratuitous.
I don't do any social media and think that its merits are overshadowed by too much negativity.
Meetanostomate is in no way negative. I just think the gallery of "popularity" detracts from what is an excellent website that deals with a serious issue that causes a myriad of emotions.
Cplumber
Oct 22, 2020 12:16 am
Praying for you. It is a tough site. Not sure of your background but God is always there for you!!! There are a bunch of people here that would love to chat it up with you! Or check out uoa.org for your local ostomy support group.
Praying for you
Cplumber
PS. Wasn't trying to offend by playing the God card
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lovely
Oct 22, 2020 12:55 am
Have you checked out the Relationship Search under the Find Members tab at the top of the page? Hope things work out for you. Best wishes and stay safe.
Past Member
Oct 22, 2020 2:02 am
Hi Deb,
These are all good advice and thoughts. If you want to talk, I'm sure many of us would. We all have one thing in common and some even more.
We are here for you... Mtnman.
Stories of Living Life to the Fullest from Ostomy Advocates I Hollister
iMacG5
Oct 22, 2020 2:52 am
Hi Deb. We might define and express love in different ways and in different degrees. I actually witnessed love expressed and shared among strangers here along with empathy, compassion and kindness. Not the love you're looking for but, like Lily reminds you of those 28 blessed years, that's a pretty tough act to follow. Thanks for sharing with us and I think you'll be happy you did.
Respectfully,
Mike
Angelicamarie
Oct 22, 2020 5:10 am
GrannyDeb, when I look at your pic I see a beautiful lady with a big smile.
Your shared what you've been through and I must say it was a lot. Lord knows sometimes the storms are raging.. I have to believe as I've seen that in order to appreciate the sun you have to experience rain. The storms don't last forever. Thank the Lord... the sun will shine yet again.
I sent you a private message.
Take care,
Angelicamarie
Lily17
Oct 22, 2020 1:23 pm
Good morning, Deb.
You were on my mind first thing this morning.
My heart broke for you yesterday as I read the extreme sadness and loneliness relayed in your words. I'm terribly sorry for the loss of your husband and the great challenges you have had to endure without him.
As you may see, there are many caring people on this website. Cplumber noted going to uoaa.org to find the nearest-to-you ostomy support group. I wholeheartedly agree: I am so blessed to have lifelong friends through Reno's local group.
And please consider checking for a local widows/widowers support group, Deb.
To have come this far with all that you have experienced, you must be a strong and resilient woman. I have no doubt that you will find friends and support wherever you search and am certain that you have much to offer others.
Please stay in touch, Deb.
Lily17
Past Member
Oct 22, 2020 2:44 pm
GrannyDeb, excuse me young lady but you ain't no freak show. Get that out of your head right now, lady!
You're just the same beautiful woman and person as you were before having an ostomy. You just have a bowel outside instead of inside now, that's all.
And looking at your photo, you are sexy and curvy in all the right places. Trust me, I'm a red-blooded man!
Do you have any hobbies/interests that you can join a group local to you? So you can meet and chat with others. When you get to know them, you will have invites to other events/days out to meet more people. You never know who you could meet along the way while out enjoying yourself.
Puppyluv56
Oct 23, 2020 12:20 pm
Hi Deb,
As you can see, the outpouring of love and support from this website will help you to find the strength to lift yourself up and out of your current emotional situation. I am lucky to have my husband by my side through all of this, so I will not even pretend to know how you feel and what you're going through alone. I do know that I have great friends on this site and in my life that have been by my side, and hopefully you have many by your side as well. You do have a lot of new friends here. Please feel free to talk through anything that is on your mind. We all go through a confidence deficit when we go through an ostomy surgery. Our body has been marred and your mind feels that way sometimes too. It is tough to move on, but you will. You will be stronger once you realize that you are still the beautiful woman you were prior to your surgery. Hopefully, you can reach out to a local support group and find some additional friends in your same situation. It always helps to have a sounding board wherever you find it!
Puppyluv
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*Jackkau
Oct 23, 2020 2:12 pm
I'm Jack in Florida. Looking for love "the old-fashioned kind" is a waste of time at our age. I enjoy email exchanges with women who share my situation (bladder removal, living with the bag). After much self-searching, I like my new kind of love. Genuine caring about each other and sharing lots of laughs and dumping on each other when needed and discussing intimate details of our lives, past and current. My hobby when I lived in California was doing stand-up comedy, so I now do that with people who share my trip in life. Get a James Brown CD, play "Papa's Got a Brand New Bag," and sing it after every new bag change.
Jack in Florida
Uro2011
Oct 24, 2020 4:44 pm
Well, I must say I feel your pain. I've been on this site since the beginning of 2012 and was hopeful I would meet my ostomy soulmate, but in 9 years maybe only 2 women in my city have signed up. It boggles my mind because I live in a major Canadian city and I know there are thousands of women with ostomies here, yet barely any have discovered this site.
If I lived in the UK or eastern USA, I'd probably already have found someone as there seems to be so many people with ostomies in these areas. I try and remain hopeful as you just never know, but after 9 years my hope is fading. I have dated women without an ostomy, but deep down I really want to meet a woman with a pouch who knows our world, and there aren't any insecurities when you're together. I'm just really tired of having "the talk" after meeting a woman, and the stress and anxiety of it all. I feel I can't even be my true self until I have the talk because I'm so anxious about when to tell her and how she will react.
The only thing we can all do is hope someone pops up in our area if you aren't into the long-distance thing. We all deserve to find love and happiness, and I wish everyone good luck who is looking for a forever ostomy partner on this site.
Rod
Maried
Oct 24, 2020 5:03 pm
Have you thought about trying regular dating sites? I was married 20 plus years then divorced .. went on Match.com and met 2 boyfriends, one relationship lasted 2 years and the other 3 years. But things have changed a lot on dating sites, tons more scammers .. so you must be very careful about inviting anyone into your heart or home.
The issues of having an Ostomy.. I had a gentleman contact me on Match.com who stated he used a walker and a wheelchair to get around and is very active. Another was 92 years old and his wife had just passed and was looking for a nice girl who can cook... my point is many of us have issues, mental or physical.. but no one can see your bag unless they see you naked.
GrannyDeb
Oct 24, 2020 6:49 pm
I've tried Match and Plenty of Fish but nothing ever clicked enough to want to meet.
lovely
Oct 24, 2020 6:57 pm
I would think that a long distance relationship, after a while, if it worked out, some people are willing to relocate. I guess it's probably hard according to the person if they have a lot of family where they are or maybe they'd rather relocate. I don't know, just thinking.