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Ostomy and dating

Sat May 01, 2021 9:32 pm

I got my ostomy a long, long time ago. I was in a long term relationship at the time and never really thought twice about it and neither did my partner. It was a non-issue for the both of us. Since then I have had a couple of relationships and was briefly married. I’m queer and date all genders but have mostly been with women. For whatever reason I don’t feel much anxiety when it comes to my ostomy and dating women. I’ve never had a woman reject me for it upon disclosure. Men on the other hand are a less traveled territory. I’ve just recently started dating men again later in life. It’s been about a year of casually chatting with men on dating apps (seldom meeting them because of the pandemic). Anyway, I connected with one very cool guy who I had planned to meet up with early last year. I was so anxious about disclosing my ostomy to him that I had a therapy session before hand where I cried in my therapist’s office. When I told him he simply replied “it’s not an issue. You’re beautiful”. This was the best possible response but then Covid hit and I never actually got to meet up with him (he lived in a different city). Anyway his response to my vulnerability made me feel almost prematurely attached to him even though I feel like his response is the baseline for how a decent person should respond to such a disclosure.

After that experience I met and slept with a younger guy who was super sweet but whom I never heard from again afterwards. I can’t be sure that that was because of the ostomy but of course part of me wonders about it.

I’m not sure what my question is. I suppose I’ve had an assumption all along that my ostomy is not a big deal and would not be a big deal for potential sex partners but I don’t know what the reality of that assumption is because I guess I haven’t tested it. I’ve made a lot of connections over the pandemic and maybe some of them will pan out to actual physical meet-ups (I hope) but should I brace myself more for potential rejection? If I’m chatting with someone online I don’t feel inclined to tell them this aspect of myself unless a physical meet-up is eminent because not everyone needs/deserves access to my story. I’m looking for advice on how some of you have handled dating/casual connections with an ostomy.

Thank you in advance for anything you feel inclined to share.

Sun May 02, 2021 12:12 am

While I've been married to my husband, who has been nothing but supportive, since I've had my ostomy, I can't imagine how scary it would be to tell a potential partner about your ostomy. I do know of some products that may help you feel more comfortable during intimacy. First, check out ostomy secrets online. They sell underwear and lingerie for ostomates! They also have blogs about intimacy with a pouch. Second, some suppliers offer a cap system. Basically, you'd attach your wafer, and then a very small pouch to collect anything that may happen. It's way more discrete than a traditional pouching system. Lastly, I use Sesura Mio from Coloplast. My pouch has the ability to be attached a little higher, after it's closed, to make the pouch seem smaller. 

It's so hard to think this way, but the right person won't 'see' your ostomy or care that you have one. The right person will realize why you have it, and see you for who you are; a beautiful, strong woman, who fights for her life! 

Sun May 02, 2021 12:13 am

While I've been married to my husband, who has been nothing but supportive, since I've had my ostomy, I can't imagine how scary it would be to tell a potential partner about your ostomy. I do know of some products that may help you feel more comfortable during intimacy. First, check out ostomy secrets online. They sell underwear and lingerie for ostomates! They also have blogs about intimacy with a pouch. Second, some suppliers offer a cap system. Basically, you'd attach your wafer, and then a very small pouch to collect anything that may happen. It's way more discrete than a traditional pouching system. Lastly, I use Sesura Mio from Coloplast. My pouch has the ability to be attached a little higher, after it's closed, to make the pouch seem smaller. 

It's so hard to think this way, but the right person won't 'see' your ostomy or care that you have one. The right person will realize why you have it, and see you for who you are; a beautiful, strong woman, who fights for her life! 

Sun May 02, 2021 7:33 pm

Do not give access to your story/stoma  unless you feel the person will see you naked. Sometimes people just want one night stands others will want to date .. the way you can tell a person is really interested is they make time for you in their life.. and make you feel special example: ask a lot of fun questions.. about hobbies, family and friends, answer your texts or email pretty quickly.. meet and have regular fun dates. Never give details on your finances or give money. This is a big red flag.

Rejection is a part of life .. in your job, school etc. dating ..so put on your big girl panties and accept that fact. "Each rejection moves you closer to a yes".

 

Sun May 02, 2021 7:46 pm
Maried wrote:

Do not give access to your story/stoma  unless you feel the person will see you naked. Sometimes people just want one night stands others will want to date .. the way you can tell a person is really interested is they make time for you in their life.. and make you feel special example: ask a lot of fun questions.. about hobbies, family and friends, answer your texts or email pretty quickly.. meet and have regular fun dates. Never give details on your finances or give money. This is a big red flag.

Rejection is a part of life .. in your job, school etc. dating ..so put on your big girl panties and accept that fact. "Each rejection moves you closer to a yes".

 


Thanks. I guess I needed to hear that.

Sat May 08, 2021 11:13 pm

Hi Carla,    This was my first response to your story...   

Honey,   you're going to " kiss" a lot of frogs, ( or frogetts)   before you meet Mr. / or Ms...right.. 

 But I thought to myself,  this gal is serious, and she may not appreciate flippant, or humorous answers..    But then,  I read ""Married's" post,    about putting on your   big girls pants",   and it made me laugh!    We need to keep the humor in our lives.. 

   Hi,  My name is Marsha, and I have my ileostomy for over 55 years, since I was a kid of 15.  I went through all the angst, that a young girl goes does......just had my ostomy along for the ride.   So if it was hair, or weight, or blackheads,  or being too short, or not blond, or sexy enough,   I realized early on that  other people have preferances.    If  someone has a problem with my ostomy.....then he was not for me.    I've lived my life, met and  married a man with an ileostomy, and although we were together for 24 1/2  years our marriage didn't last " forever".    The ostomy wasn't enough to keep us together..   For the last 20+ years I've been dating and traveling, and have had my relationship ups and downs.   For some men the ostomy  was an issue,  and for others not at all..    The most important part of all this, is to take care of you, and keep on " keeping on"..   I wish you the best of luck....and fun!.    Marsha

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