Struggling with Partner's Reaction to My Ostomy

So my partner of 15 years told me he wishes I never had a bag and finds it hard to be intimate. This killed me on the inside and made me feel so insecure. I just want to be far away from him because if I'm going to be unhappy and feel alone, I might as well be by myself.

Hi, I'm sorry to hear this. A partner of 15 years should be standing with you side by side with anything you are going through. My husband, he passed away, was right with me through it all. Of course, they feel uncomfortable, but as time goes by and we are getting better, it should get easier for the partner to accept this. After all, it saved my life. Love is unconditional no matter what the circumstances are; they can be dealt with. Take care of you, get well, and see what life has to offer. Good luck, S.I.L.

So sorry to hear this. My husband of 22 years has stuck with me since it happened 4 years ago and simply says we'll do whatever we have to do. I wish your partner were more sympathetic; his loss. Hopefully, you will find someone more supportive. Take care and good luck.

If your partner can't handle you having a stoma/bag, then I would say he doesn't really love you. I know it's heartbreaking. My suggestion is to dump him.

How long has it been since your surgery? Some partners need counseling too; they're scared in case they hurt you or your stoma when being intimate. I'm not saying it would work or if that's even the problem behind his feelings, but it's worth seeing if he thinks your relationship is worth fighting for.

I've had new partners in the past. The first thing they said when they knew I had a stoma was, "I won't jump on your stomach; I don't want to hurt your stomach." My reply was always, "You better jump on it, woman!" So I can see why some have a fear of being intimate with partners from my own experience.

My Ostomy Journey: Ryan | Hollister

It is sometimes hard to accept a partner's ostomy. But as others have said, get some counseling together and give it some time.

But if your partner is still unloving, consider leaving. Right now, get yourself financially ready and speak to a lawyer just in case.

Love yourself the best!

Oh... Ben... Behave!! With the jumping..! 🤭😁

I'm sorry your partner feels this way.

My husband was wholly supportive. He said, "I want you to live; nothing else matters."

Try counseling. But do what you need to do to take care of yourself. You deserve a loving partner.

I am so sorry!!! I have been living that for 32 years. I would not wish this lack of love on anybody. It's not the urostomy. It's HIM. He has never been a person who likes communication or intimacy. This started long before I had surgery. You are beautiful, and there are plenty of men who would knock down doors to be with you. Message me anytime. I believe that as women we should build each other up. I would love to be friends with you and give you encouragement.

I will edit this a bit later.

Just food  for thought

You are in Tampa. Orlando is 1.5 hrs away. 85 miles.

The *UOAA conference begins this August . Come meet your peers. Feel good and get yur groove on. 

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• united ostomy assoc of America... to be continued...

And meanwhile..a little bit later..

Everyone seems to be in agreement that you dump yur partner. . What about his history of treatment up until this time? 

I'm not defending him. No. But if things weren't OK before the bag, it's time to rethink the relationship either needs counseling.. or parting of ways.

Suppose u had a zit? Acne? Got 🤰 pregnant?  have to wonder how'd he feel in those situations...

I agree he lost his of love and affection, & respect right now for you and the relationship. 

Come to the conference. See if he'd join you for the sake of saving the relationship 

If he declines, bring your travel kit of supplies.... but leave one bag home. The douche bag- him. 👍 

I'm sorry to hear this. I read your bio, and considering your ostomy is only temporary, it seems pretty discouraging that your partner is so lacking in empathy and support. What if it were permanent? My partner has been nothing but supportive of my ostomy journey, and that is what you should expect from someone you have shared your life with for fifteen years. Maybe he just needs time to adjust. Or maybe he's really not the one you want to spend the rest of your life with.

Terry

I'm sorry, you deserve way better than someone like him, through the good and bad times. I like Warrior's suggestion; maybe go and meet folks like us who get it.

I had something similar happen to me. My partner said my illness and ileostomy freak him out and left. I am fortunate to have support from family, but it really has broken something in me. It makes it hard to trust anyone. I'm so sorry yours is being that way. I would not wish it on anyone.

Sorry to hear this. The same happened to me in 2009. She called the pouch disgusting. I've been deprived ever since. It's tough, but we have kids and grandkids, so I've decided to live with it to keep the family together. If we had no children, I'd have left years ago. I often think it would have been better to find a partner after surgery so that I could find one that didn't care about the pouch. I also say our pouches are better than us at identifying jerks.

Your partner is a superficial jerk. Dump him and move on.

I'm sorry your partner feels that way. My surgeon told me years ago he has seen a lot of relationships break up because of one person having an ileo or ostomy. Do what is right for you, even though it hurts. My husband does not care about my ileo, and I feel extremely grateful. I've worried more about it leaking or feeling unattractive to him during intimacy. He said it has not changed how he feels about me. You deserve that compassion too.

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. It is soul-destroying to be treated in this way. When I was facing surgery myself, my then-boyfriend told me that if I came home with a bag, he would leave me. I seriously considered not having the surgery but would have died without it.

Instead, I came home with a temporary ileostomy (j-pouch formed), got myself well, and left his rotten ass!

Eventually, I had to have further surgery and another temporary ileostomy formed, and my then-husband refused to be intimate because I looked “ugly.” Again, I got well and got out.

Love yourself more and do not accept this behavior from someone who is supposed to love and support you. You deserve so much better and will feel 100% happier when you focus on you.

I am now with a wonderful man who supports me and my health issues. I have never been happier.

Feel free to message me directly if you want to talk more. You are not alone!

I had emergency surgery 3 weeks before my daughter was born. I was in college at the time. My wife ended up divorcing me anyway. She didn't want to believe I was sick. Sadly, most relationships don't survive a major illness and ostomy. No one understands an ongoing incurable chronic illness.

That whole "in sickness and in health" thing is not fully considered by some people.

I've seen people abandoned when they got cancer and one friend abandoned when he had an accident and was paralyzed. So sad.

On the other hand, I've seen partners step up and become a patient's best advocate, carry carefully filed records and detailed calendars, and sit at the bedside for years.

My own husband reminded me of the vow when I apologized for being sick. He didn't flinch even when I told him I'd be losing most of my vagina and getting 2 permanent ostomy bags.

The good ones are out there. Those who run at the first sign of trouble weren't in it for the long haul. Good riddance.

Yes, I know how you feel. My partner is the same; no sex for 20 years now.

February will be 3 years since my colostomy. I have had Crohn's disease since 2002.

I'm sorry, it's hard because I start feeling insecure and regret. My partner has been distancing himself.

He's definitely not someone who deserves to be with you. Too bad… lots of nice guys out there. Good luck. 🤗♥️

This sounds like a shallow human, at best. His time will come. It does for everyone in some form.

Susan, wow, that's a great man, and I must ask, why did you have to lose your vagina? What did you have?
I had been through a lot, same situation with the man, but I didn't think he loved me anyway. I have written my story.

I haven't felt good lately, and now as I am writing, I had an issue with antibiotics and had to stop it. As I'm texting you, my white blood cells are 2+ and burning, and I pray everything is okay with me. It's scary.

I pray you all are doing good. 🙏🏻 Pray.

Karma.. 👍..

My partner of 10 years reacted the same way when I had to get a colectomy and ileostomy. It hurt. It hurt a lot. But I tried to find one good thing every day -- a bird singing, a unique cloud, an apt description in a book -- to focus on for that minute. It helped!

I had rectal cancer. The tumor grew very large before we knew I had cancer and invaded my vagina and bladder. The invasion was so bad that at first we didn't know where the tumor originated.

When I had surgery to remove the tumor, it was necessary to remove all damaged tissue. This isn't discussed much, but it also happens in some cases of cervical cancer as well as vaginal cancer. Those women are my sisters, and I am breaking the silence and stigma for them.

Ha! My thoughts too!

First of all, you are a beautiful young lady of 49. I know that having an ostomy can be a self-confidence shaker for a while, but then it just becomes one more aspect of daily care - no more and no less.

Before you dump his sorry ass to the curb (which was my first reaction), it's time for an honest sit-down with him. As difficult as it may be, you need to find out the hard truths of your relationship with this man.

As others have mentioned, after 15 years, you'd expect more commitment than that ... unless he is extremely shallow and only loved you for your body. If that is the case, you are much better off without him.

Think of the courage and strength it took you to undergo and survive this major lifesaving surgery. You are a warrior! Anyone who kills you on the inside and makes you feel insecure is not someone you want or need in your court.

You only have one life to live ... make it worth your while. It's much worse to be with someone and feel lonely than it is to be alone. And once you are, your insecurities are free to melt away and you can relish being your best self. Only then will you attract all the good things you deserve, including the everlasting love of a real man who deserves you.

M
xo