Women's Ostomy Dating Struggles: Let's Catch Up!

To all women,

A sincere happy International Women's Day... Thought this might be the appropriate day to voice the disturbing, yet not surprising, frequency of women's experiences with dating (with an ostomy) compared to that of men's. It's more than unfortunate that almost exclusively women have faced the "Oh, you have an ostomy?.... Is that what I think it.... Umm... Ok, I'll call you... Maybe" reaction when the 'big reveal' happens, while men are often met with empathy and understanding. I think the trepidation of telling a date goes across the board for all genders/sexes, but I think the expectancy of it being a 'deal breaker' is vastly one-sided.

Anyway, I've not (yet) had to experience this firsthand, as I was married when I had my ileostomy surgery in 2010 and continued to be up until recently. I would hope that I wouldn't have had the view that so many men have had, but I don't know, without having gone through it, that I would have :( Again, I hope I would have.

Stay strong! :)

Thank you. I have not attempted dating since getting my ostomy in 2020 because of what you are talking about.

Your post is certainly interesting.  I'm curious to know upon what evidentiary basis you have concluded that men get a softer treatment than women re an ostomy.  Being long married myself, I haven't a basis to judge, and I doubt there's any polling out there upon which we can rely. 

Hi!

Thank you for your sweet words and perspective. I know Henry is skeptical, but I have a feeling you're right. In my experience, this is accurate but not ostomy specific. I've had a few unhealthy relationships, so maybe my view is skewed. I've heard "You're not godly enough, thin enough, sexual enough. You're too focused on the kids, your job, the house, your family." Being enough for a man can be unattainable as a "normal" woman. On the flip side, again my personal experience has been "You need a mama for your kids, awesome! You're a narcissist, I'll work on being perfect. You're an alcoholic/addict, I can help you. You're not happy with my weight/appearance, I'll change it."

Women by nature are more attracted to a man's personality. (Not all women) That's why romance novels and "chick flicks" do so well. Men are often times more visual. (Again, not all men.) Pornographic images and videos are predominantly consumed by men. When a woman has a flaw or difference, she is expected to fix it or hide it.
Again, this is my own experience. It's also the experience of a lot of the women close to me.
-Rachel

My experience as well.

I think we'll be hearing this a lot. Love ya, Sally. I don't care if you have a million stomas!

Love you too, Rae! On movie night, let's sit close to the cake and get fluffier. LOL

Yay! I love cake!

I can concur with the girls above. Rae hit the nail on the head with the pornography comment, it gives "some" men an unrealistic image of what women look like and what they like in bed.

And in my experiences even pre-ostomy ;(when I was a lot more "active") it was exactly the same. Not pretty enough, not thin enough, not good enough etc and the back-handed compliment I've had more than once "I could be with better looking women but I choose to be with you"! LOL! Thank God I have a sense of humor.

It's not all men of course but just bad odds for me (like the tightarse who always managed to "forget" his wallet when we went out to dinner).

Funnily enough I've always been fairly independent and happy on my own, even in past relationships have always been glad to head back to my own home and have some "me" time.

But as I'm not completely anti-social, where's that cake Sal Rae?!

I just love you, Jo! We will have so much cake! You are definitely enough in my eyes.

You are more than enough, Jo! And you are loved! We have lots of cake to go around!

Actually, research shows that in many relationships, women are the dumpers, not the dumpees, so they are perhaps not as innocent as we would like to think. Digging for gold is another charge laid against them. As for the abstentious and the abstemious, and those abstaining from any future relationship for one reason or another, there is an old saying: "Nothing ventured, nothing gained".

Bowsprit,

I'm just curious if this is your personal experience or data found through internet searches? Women, like men, are definitely human. We are all sinners. That being said, there are some striking statistics on the number of women who are abused or sexually assaulted in their lifetime. Most women never report what happened to them. I'm just trying to point out that data can be skewed. I try to relate my personal experiences because that is what I know. It's my truth.

I do agree with not letting it dictate my future. I'm a little smarter now, but I still have faith the right person is out there for me. :)

-Rachel

Me too, my friend.

I can reply here, yay! Love you!

Big hugs

It is the time difference! While it is afternoon for you, it's much later for me and I am already three sheets to the wind. You and SallyNBC are right, of course. Many apologies.

All the best wishes.

No apologies necessary. I love being challenged by a difference of opinion. Time zones really are something, huh?

Plenty of male gold-diggers out there, mate! Looking for a meal ticket is definitely not a female-only occupation. Might be where I'm from (and the time), but I'll never forget my first trip to the USA in 1995 when, upon meeting guys in bars and out socially, I was amazed to find I wasn't expected to pay for my own drinks or meals?! LOL! And they were so well-mannered and courteous, it was a wonderful trip!

"Nothing ventured, nothing gained" is true enough, and I have taken that leap of faith travelling to the other side of the world for love (didn't work out but no regrets!), but for now, for me, since I've stopped looking to "trap myself a man," I've never been happier. I think I've always been like this looking back at myself in my 20's and 30's; I never actually "dated" (I don't think back in the 80's and 90's in Australia anyone did?!) just met a variety of blokes and just drifted in and out of relationships, with no great heartbreak when it's over.

It's assumed that everyone on earth is looking for romantic love, but there are those like myself who are quite happy without it. Love of family, friends, and pets is quite enough for me!

"People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness. Just because they're not on your road doesn't mean they've gotten lost." - Dalai Lama

I'm not real good with words like you and Rae. That's why I love emojis. LOL So here is another one for your awesome post.

Thanks, Rae.

I will say American men have figured out that their odds increase when the drinks are flowing. I'm not a heavy drinker, and I usually offer to be the DD. There have been a few occasions I've come home from a night of dancing with more money than I left the house with. &zwj

I honestly think the group friend/dating approach makes the most sense. I'm also with you about love. It comes in so many forms. Romantic love shouldn't be the only thing filling your cup. It can be pretty nice though.

Taking time to be by yourself is the first step in finding answers to the many riddles in life. Romantic love is a delusion anyway, they say, and most delusions don't end well. Hopefully, the road you have taken will turn out to be an enriching one. Anyway, you say this is just an interval and the search will continue. Nothing is set in stone. Life rarely closes all doors.

Best wishes.