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Dating

Posted by meglb, on Tue Jul 22, 2008 6:36 pm
Sometimes, i think it would be easier to wear a sign that says:
I have a colostomy, if still interested call.....
Dating is hard enough!! lol
Reply by tarababy, on Wed Jul 23, 2008 5:14 am
Meglb, I think you might have hit on a winner there..LoL.They used to have  something like that for single people years ago in Perth.Came in the form of a sticker you put on your car..Funny enough,it worked.Till the goody-two-shoes jumped on it.Another great idea booted..So I'm with you...cheers,Tara... Cool
Reply by vulcanBMk2, on Wed Aug 20, 2008 2:01 pm
A girl asked me for a date once ... I replied , No Problem   -- Battle of Trafalgar , 21st  October 1805..... Stayed in on my own that night !!!
Reply by tarababy, on Sun Aug 24, 2008 12:58 am
Oh you are a funny bugger....
_________________
hi ,i am an ileostomate with crohn's,was diagnosed in 2004.I now have a support group<NQGOLD(nth queensland general ostomy lifestyle discussions). Meeting some amazing people.
Past Member
Reply by Past Member, on Sat Sep 13, 2008 4:56 pm
Meglb,
To be honest having an ileostomy hasnt been a problem for the men I have dated , but boy its a big problem for me. I feel I cant join any normal on line dating agency. After all if you had a choice of 50 men you wouldnt choose the one with a bag would you? Well we probally would now, but not before. Of course personalety comes first so its great if you can get to know someone before dating, thats how I have dated in the past. But its not happening at the moment. I really miss having a hug!
But who knows whats round the corner...................
Poppy
Reply by tarababy, on Sun Sep 14, 2008 12:28 am
Hi Poppy, about you not being able to join a 'normal' dating site? Well I dont see why not, I have in the past- as I knew there was nothing worth while close by.lol...Anyway,it was a little bit hard to start with,but I just chatted and let the conversation flow,and before you know it,something comes out about what you do for a living or something to bring up health....Then I found it was a good way to actually practice telling people....and either way,on-line or in person...you know how that person feels about things.If they took that well....then we would think about meeting..NOW THAT WAS HARD!!! The very first meeting I had with a guy off the net was as scary as hell Shocked ...But now I just laugh...nothing bad happened,just the guy who showed up wasnt anything like the guy I was chatting to....There were teeth missing and a whole cowboy outfit....had to have a peek make sure no gun..I'm kidding..But he even asked if I wanted to join his stable...Oh I lost it,almost fell off my chair laughing, got up, and just laughed as I walked away--he got the hint.Needed another drink real bad..Oh dear, guess that wasnt the best story to tell you, to convince you to join up hey...lmaoBut if you go in with the right attitude(I'm here for a good time not a long time!)You might be very surprised......Good luck and keep us posted....Tara Cool
Reply by bamatex, on Sun Sep 28, 2008 4:26 pm
It's been my practice when dating ladies I did not meet on an ostomy site to not mention anything about having an ostomy. Just go out & have a nice time & start to get to know each other. I actually avoid serious intimacy for several dates. Then when I feel the time might be right for intimacy I tell her there's something I need to tell her, before the moment arrives. I've never had a girl freak out or be bothered by it. I think that once you give yourself a chance to develop a relationship & get to really like a person, & she you, it tends to open up their minds & do away with any inhibitions they may have had if you'd brought it up on the first date or before. If you bring it up before the first date you might not ever get a chance to show her you're much more than just a guy who wears a bag. Well, that's my approach anyway.
Reply by bcdrc, on Mon Dec 08, 2008 9:59 am
personally i just put it straight out there if the person is that shallow as to not accept it then their not worth being with anyway
Reply by celia55, on Mon Jan 05, 2009 4:51 pm
Hi i honestly thought dating would not be a problem but i found it a real big problem,i dated a guy for two years who did not mind i had a stoma as his father had one so he knew what it was all about,but then he found a younger body to cuddle, i went out as normal but the guys i have since met have been cruel at times to say the least,they dont seem to want to talk to you and get to know you the person not even giving you the chance to answer any questions they have,we are still people who are survivors of something that in most cases is not our fault. One guy thought i was very brave for even going out dating he honestly thought that i should stay at home because of my stoma.
I often wonder if it happened to them what they would do and how would they react when people walk away from them.
Lots of Love Guys
Celia xxxxxxxxxxx
Cool   Smile   Wink  Laughing
Past Member
Reply by Past Member, on Fri Jan 09, 2009 8:18 pm
I guess its easy for some


Last edited by Past Member on Sat Feb 14, 2009 5:10 am; edited 2 times in total
Past Member
Reply by Past Member, on Sat Jan 10, 2009 11:35 am
Hello: just  bye!


Last edited by Past Member on Sat Feb 14, 2009 5:09 am; edited 1 time in total
Reply by celia55, on Sat Jan 10, 2009 12:14 pm
Hi Bostomy it is not easy when all this hits you,everyone feels life will go on the same and it can but when you feel down you think  the whole world is against you.I have had my stoma since 94 lost my hubby in 96,felt totally in the dark my children where great and my mum talked to me every day telling me to take one day at a time and let life get back to normal in the way you can handle it,never rush it. There is someone for all of us out there wether we have a medical condition or not,we just have to let them come in when they want otherwise if we hurry it we can push them away,talk to them get to know them,there is never a right or wrong time to tell anyone about a stoma you just have to hope they will be the person who is right for you.
Never forget there are millions of us all over the world facing the same problems so we are never quite alone.
Take care
Celia xxxx
Reply by ferrona, on Tue Jan 20, 2009 2:54 am
Actually i've had more problems with self esteem than actually getting a date and keeping one. I kinda now parade the ostomy, so there feels like no pink elephant in the room.

I think the best thing I did for myself was my warning label.
I got a tattoo on my lower back. It looks like those "not an entrance" sign with a white bar in the center.
It's big and red and it says "no exit, no entry". Frankly  that tattoo has opened the door to the conversation of why in the hell did I put something like that on my body.

All my friends love it. I think once you have confidence in yourself and you don't show weakness, the people around you will take on the same persona and not feel odd that you don't have a functioning asshole.  Very Happy
Past Member
Reply by Past Member, on Tue Jan 20, 2009 5:55 pm
Wow Ferrona! what a good idea for you with todays fashion of youngsters baring there lower back. Sadly thats not suitable for me anymore. You must get alot of attention, is it always  good attention? Now what can I do.....mmmmm.......
Poppy
Reply by ferrona, on Thu Jan 22, 2009 1:16 am
To be honest, I think i've had only one negative response and it was from a stranger which I didn't see her reaction.

I was in the store bending over and my mom happen to look behind her. The salesclerk mouth literally dropped, mouthing 'oh my god'. Well she probably would have had the same reaction had she known what hell on earth I went through to even consider acquiring such a message to display.

It gives me something to laugh about everyday and for anybody else that knows me, the message suits me well. Even my co-workers/supervisors think its great and they are older women with grandchildren.

I think the hardest thing about dating is getting past that part of the conversation:

"Yeah, I've had a lot of surgeries and am missing a colon and 10feet of my small bowel....By the way I have an ostomy bag too."

Funny thing happened tonight. Since I was 17, I've had this crush on this guy who was 21 and in the Navy. I've put him on this peddlestool all these years and have been afraid to tell him for the past 3 years about the ostomy. Finally, I told him and he was okay with it. Apparently his grandfather was diagnosed with colon cancer and he had an ostomy. Go figure.

At least that is off my chest and I don't think anybody else's opinion of whether I have a bag matters. Because its within yourself that the light signs through. If they really love you, the will love you in sickness and with a bag.
Reply by tarababy, on Sat Jan 24, 2009 1:51 am
Dear Ferrona, dont we all wish there were more of you around. Very Happy ..Totally love your attitude...Its what I have been trying to spread around since I got on top of all this....Its refreshing to see.Also love your tattoo....I have two,one on each hip...a pair of eyes on one,and initials on the other..And if I wanted to be a wise-guy, it can mean two things....First its the initials of the man I love..which in turn can also be the initials of a Crohn's Gang Member...lol......The eyes are great when I get a needle and its their first go at it, When they ask where do I want it? I'm like "Right between the eyes please" You should see the looks that gets....Anyway lets hope the attitude is catching....cheers darl....Tara Cool .
Reply by SensitiveRockml1, on Sat Jan 24, 2009 12:20 pm
Totally agree Tarababy .... good, unlifting words of encouragement.  I am trying to recreate that feeling/environment/{no good words here} like that I last experienced.  It was a wonderful time with my last love until she was called to another life changing job as an angel.  But we met and I had 'George' for 8 years prior and it didn't bother her one bit.  In fact, now that I look back on it, she wanted to know everything as she was intending to take care of me in our old age.  Funny how life has its little twists on fate.  So now 3.5 years later and I am trying to put myself back into that dating scene once again working to get over the self raised wall raised because of thoughts of imperfect, or supposed inperfection, construction.  It's not easy.  Stories of hope like that of Ferrona's works to erode that wall I've raised.  Thank you.
Reply by NathanS, on Tue Jan 27, 2009 6:12 pm
                                 
ferrona wrote:
Actually i've had more problems with self esteem than actually getting a date and keeping one. I kinda now parade the ostomy, so there feels like no pink elephant in the room.

I think the best thing I did for myself was my warning label.
I got a tattoo on my lower back. It looks like those "not an entrance" sign with a white bar in the center.
It's big and red and it says "no exit, no entry". Frankly  that tattoo has opened the door to the conversation of why in the hell did I put something like that on my body.

All my friends love it. I think once you have confidence in yourself and you don't show weakness, the people around you will take on the same persona and not feel odd that you don't have a functioning asshole.  Very Happy


This is a wonderful idea of how to break the 'ostomy ice' so to speak, not sure lower back tattoos are something us chaps can get away with though  Laughing
Reply by curly-pussycat, on Sat Jan 31, 2009 6:21 pm
I think the tattoo is a great idea!   I personally would have found dating very difficult if I hadn't initially got confidence dating a very close friend of mine.  He knew me before the operation and was a tower of stregth afetrwards, so us spending quality time together was kinda a progression of our friendship.   I wouldn't feel funny about my bag now with anyone new I meet.  I'm quite open with strangers too, especially when I get asked why I made a career change or why am I single?
I married a rat who was unsupportive and disappeared after the op, though his actions at that time were not very positive so I know to this day us getting divorced was best for both of us.
Life goes on, there is always that special person waiting to come into our lives when we least expect it  Very Happy

Michelle x
Past Member
Reply by Past Member, on Sat Apr 25, 2009 9:25 am
I think its great alot of people have positive attitudes about the opposite sexs reaction to our surgery,i had mine only 12 weeks ago,and recovered well and have been out pubbing and clubbing and when i find someone chatting me up i become very shy and say things i know will put them off as im not sure how i would feel facing rejection time and time again,people are very shallow.
Reply by ximena, on Tue May 12, 2009 4:26 pm
Let me tell you what happened to me quite recently. I'm nearly 62. I've had my colostomy for 8 years.  The man with whom I was sharing my life told me he wouldn't have sex with me anymore because my stoma put him off. I thought I had to make do without because, you know, who would want a woman with a colostomy ? But it was so frustrating ! After all, I was still the same woman, wasn't I, only with a little different plumbing .

Our relationship began to deteriorate and there was a lot of resentment and things left unsaid between us. Finally, last november, I decided I'd had enough and I told my partner I would go my own way and that I preferred to live alone rather than going on like that. I went looking for a flat in the neighbouring town and, in the same time, I met some new people, artists and writer (that's what I'm myself). Well, actually, one of those people was a man of my own age and we soon became very close friends. After about one month of dating, I told him about my stoma. He first didn't know what I was speaking about and I had to explain. I was very ill at ease but he reassured me. Two weeks later, we were lovers. That was two months ago. The bag means nothing to him, he jokes about it, giving it all sorts of names. It all came very naturally, at a time of my life when I had lost all hope of meeting a new love.

Now we are planning to live together in a few months.

My story is one of hope and I just wanted to share it with fellows ostomates.

Ximena.

PS. Excuse my sometimes faulty English as I'm Belgian and usually French-speaking.
Reply by weewee, on Wed May 13, 2009 1:59 pm
i am from a small town in montana and finding someone to deal with this isnt easy i have to change about every 12 hours due blowouts and still healing hoping that i can make a day or two soon  finding any other ostomates isnt easy either like they gone in hiding around here i go out with my friends and they all know what i have doesnt bother them to much since they have been there the hole time still looking for others that are open and not shy as we are stuck with the bagpipes and all that go with it
Past Member
Reply by Past Member, on Tue Jul 07, 2009 12:58 pm
To be honest everyone has different experiences in the dating circle, but letting your Stoma take the blame is not the way to go.  You have it, just deal with it.  I am 22 years old and had my stoma for 7 months.  I am not going to say its been a walk in the park, that would be a lie, but having my operation gave me my life back.  I realised that dating was easy compared to what I had been through with my Crohn's, so it should be a walk in the park.
And so far it has been.  I have been back on the scene for a few months and had no problems with women rejecting me because of my stoma, infact one thought it was cool!  As long as you are confident within yourself and put yourself forward instead of your stoma then it makes no difference.  It is all in our heads.  Don't just believe in better make it better!
Reply by lila, on Mon Jul 27, 2009 8:46 pm
Hi,
I'm Lila. I have been trying to date but never know when to tell someone. But I think you are right I am just going to keep it to my self untill they get to know me. The problem is I was sick for 4 years and had 7 operations. I have left over arthritis from it treated with enbril. My kids are young, my husband couldn't handle it so he left and he is a phycisan. So sometimes it comes up why I am not working. Mostly because I have young kids. I should say. Also I can not do my old job as a respiratory therapist because it requires a lot of hand work. Arthritis in my hands. I get discouraged wondering if anyone will give me a chance.
                                 
bamatex wrote:
It's been my practice when dating ladies I did not meet on an ostomy site to not mention anything about having an ostomy. Just go out & have a nice time & start to get to know each other. I actually avoid serious intimacy for several dates. Then when I feel the time might be right for intimacy I tell her there's something I need to tell her, before the moment arrives. I've never had a girl freak out or be bothered by it. I think that once you give yourself a chance to develop a relationship & get to really like a person, & she you, it tends to open up their minds & do away with any inhibitions they may have had if you'd brought it up on the first date or before. If you bring it up before the first date you might not ever get a chance to show her you're much more than just a guy who wears a bag. Well, that's my approach anyway.
Past Member
Reply by Past Member, on Thu Jul 30, 2009 3:16 pm
OK I'll play.
My sign (sounds like zodiac)

Sassyclassylovingtrustworthyloyalnymphomaniac...with an ileostomy

His sign would probably read:
Twotimingshallowcouchpotato that is and has a fully functional a-hole
Reply by RobertG, on Wed Aug 12, 2009 6:00 am
For me, dating was practically impossible BEFORE my colostomy.  Women down here (South Florida) are not interested in dating a middle-aged, overweight, short man.  Let alone a broke one, thanks to my Ostomy.  I've been on like 2 dates in the last 20 years.  Not that I haven't asked out plenty of women--I just can't get a yes for an answer.  Women make FRIENDS with me but none can ever consider dating me.

Now, add the colostomy.  Might as well forget it.  Not going to happen.  Any chance at all that I had at starting a family is absolutely gone.  In fact, I haven't even been able to have any of my female (or male, for that matter) FRIENDS over since the surgery.  Everyone avoids me--they'll talk on the phone, but that's it.  I know it's a gross thing--I don't like having a bag of shit hanging from my stomach either.  But, what can I do?  Sex is a distant memory.

In women's defense, I would not date me, either.  The bag is disgusting.  The smell is unbearable after the first day or so.  (can't afford to change it any more than once a week).  

I just found out that I will probably never be able to have the reversal procedure due to financial concerns, even though I'm medically ready.  The USA is a wonderful place, huh? Why in the hell would any immigrant want to move here?!?!?!?  I'd love to leave.
Past Member
Reply by Past Member, on Sun Sep 20, 2009 1:46 am
                                 
ferrona wrote:
Actually i've had more problems with self esteem than actually getting a date and keeping one. I kinda now parade the ostomy, so there feels like no pink elephant in the room.

I think the best thing I did for myself was my warning label.
I got a tattoo on my lower back. It looks like those "not an entrance" sign with a white bar in the center.
It's big and red and it says "no exit, no entry". Frankly  that tattoo has opened the door to the conversation of why in the hell did I put something like that on my body.

All my friends love it. I think once you have confidence in yourself and you don't show weakness, the people around you will take on the same persona and not feel odd that you don't have a functioning asshole.  Very Happy



OMG You're awesome!!!  SmileSmileSmile  The tat idea busted me up, how clever and how devilishly funny!!  I love it!!
Past Member
Reply by Past Member, on Thu Jul 14, 2011 2:48 am
Ximena, you said.... "ow we are planning to live together in a few months.

My story is one of hope and I just wanted to share it with fellows ostomates.

PS. Excuse my sometimes faulty English as I'm Belgian and usually French-speaking."

You sound like a super lady.  I look forward to hearing from you again. Carol 'dawneagle'
Past Member
Reply by Past Member, on Thu Jul 14, 2011 2:49 am
Ximena, you said.... "ow we are planning to live together in a few months.

My story is one of hope and I just wanted to share it with fellows ostomates.

PS. Excuse my sometimes faulty English as I'm Belgian and usually French-speaking."

You sound like a super lady.  I look forward to hearing from you again. Carol 'dawneagle'
Reply by moonshine, on Sun May 04, 2014 3:03 am

Well.....I am 50 and still want to be sexy.....I bling out my bag (at least the part that sticks outta jeans)

and orderd some sexy lingere with pockets for my pouch.....web is ostomy secrets.....and yest they do have mens wear.....

 

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