Sitting on the beach sounds heavenly, especially for someone who lives in North Dakota. I moved to Arizona after college and started what I thought was my career forever. Only 1 year of working and I was diagnosed with cancer. I tried to work as much as I could after recovering from my surgery, but eventually the effects from the radiation consumed my life and I nearly died many times. It was then, we moved back to my home state of North Dakota. Being on disability with 2 ostomies, chronic pain, amongst other ailments that caused me to be in and out of the hospital for most of my young adulthood was what I had in store.I was 27. I was unable to have children and it's always just been my husband and I. At times I feel incredibly lonely, sad, and wondering what my purpose in life is. I don't like being a stay at home wife, as cooking and cleaning has become my new "career." I live in the worst place where winters seem to outlast the summers. There's nothing to do here as far as activities. No support groups. I have yet to find 1 person around my age with ostomies. I always ask my doctors at every visit, "is there anyone new yet?" Since the age of 27, I've been told they only know of elderly people. Again, what is my purpose? ;My husband and I go on vacations every year, always to a place near the ocean. It has now become my goal in life to move to Florida one day. I feel a need deep within my body to be near the ocean, listening to the waves crash, feel the sand beneath my feet, the warmth of the sun on my skin. Until then, I sit and wait for my husband to retire. He's 56, I'm 49. Daily, I find myself looking for the best places to live in Florida and even secretly apply for jobs for my husband in the hopes that one of them will be an offer he can't refuse. Until then, I'll visit every year to be near the ocean and patiently dream of living there one day, and every day ponder over what my purpose in life is. Did you know your brain needs to see water? A study showed if you just walked past water near where water is visible for 20 mins, it can immediately improve your mood. Plus being around water will improve your physical state like lowering your blood pressure and your heart rate. I ask myself, how can this not be true for someone who lives in the tundra with rarely any sunshine? ;I will cherish that day. Until then, I will exist as a stay at home, childless wife, cooking and cleaning. Only existing was not supposed to be how my life turned out. Everyday I will continue pondering the thoughts of, "what is my purpose?" Every minute, every second, everyday.
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