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Am I doomed from having a partner?

This is the best website for people with an Ostomy. So much understanding.
I've already come to the conclusion that the only possibly of becoming intimate with a lady is to make sure she has some sort of an ostomy herself. That's fine and understandable though I wish the door wasn't halfway closed knowing I will never be accepted by someone without one.
Yea I know, there are alot of wonderful, sweet women out there who will understand. If you believe that you've watched and read too many love stories. However, my problem is with me. How can you have sex with the thought there could be the slightest chance of an accident. I don't know how people do it but I give them all the credit in the world.

roger that
Roger that....
It is the same for us single women. You tell a man and he runs like hell. Have
you tried talking to any woman on this site? Good luck on your search roger.
Sharon !!!
MeetAnOstoMate - 28,361 members

Thanks for your reply. I understand women have the same problem. I just wish I knew a better way to keep it from getting me down. I've been in contact with a few women but haven't discussed it. I guess I just have to have the attitude "IT COMES WITH THE PACKAGE" and neither you nor I asked for it.

Thanks again, Sharon

Yes, there are many of the opposite gender who can't quite fathom a less than perfect body as their partner (and run as Sharon says).  But, frankly, once us humans get past the youth of the 20-30 somethings, few of us are perfect anymore.  So, yes, there are partners out there willing to take chances with us who aren't perfect either.  And I'm pleased about that .

One has to continue trying to make more friends in hopes of finding that person who likes the rest of the package enough to get past our ostomy.  But that isn't so different than dating pre ostomy, or even as a 20 something age.

And the ostomy takes more care, updating ahead of and during intimacy but one does those things on dates pre ostomy also.

Keep looking.  Keep upgrading the entire package.  The reward is worth the effort!

Hi RogerThat - a few weeks back someone posted a question about ostomates that were married or "together" - there are a few couples who met on this site.

What was interesting to me was his poll about whether the respondent would rather have a relationship with another ostomate, a non-ostomate, or never really thought about it.

The majority - about two-thirds (I think) preferred a relationship with an ostomate, but the next runner up was "never really thought about it"!

Food for thought.    Wink
OMG Ira we're all in the same boat...everyone wants to be accepted..loved and cherished for who they are not for what they do or don't have..I spent 38 yrs with a man that I loved unconditionally..I never ever changed but he did..so because of his rejection I now question if his love was ever true..I have low self esteem..I am so self conscious..an every time I"m in his presence want to crawl into a corner an disappear... I feel like I'll never have anyone to grow old with.most of the time I'm ok with that....I know I am a good pe rson an I would never ever hurt anyone purposely I'm loyal compassionate and passionate ..but for those of us "stuck" with our extra baggage it's a long hard journey trying to get past it....take your time Ira sometimes friendships can turn into romance...you seem to be a nice guy..give yourself some time and you may find the "one"...Fran
My heart really does ache for all of the people in our little community who have serious self esteem issues when it comes to attracting a mate of the opposite sex. That shouldn't suggest however that I don't understand - because I do. People *are* absolutely shallow for the most part, and yes, it's very difficult to find a person who doesn't freak out when they see someone who is (God forbid) - different. A lot of the time I hear that the only reason my husband's ostomy doesn't bother me is because I was in love with him for years before he got it, but I swear that is not true. I would be willing to bet my car (and I seriously love my car) that I would have been crazy about Tyler if we had met after his surgery. Granted, there would have been a lot of curiousity and annoying questions, but I would have most definately gotten over it, and accepted him regardless.

I know it doesn't make it any better to hear someone who doesn't have an ostomy telling you that anyone who "runs away screaming" because of a silly little bag isn't worth one moment of your time, but it's true. I can't speak for the rest of human kind, and I'm not sure that I'd want to...but I can tell you that when I look at my husband (naked or fully clothed), his ileostomy is the last thing on my mind - really. He is so much more than a bag. And, he's a million things more than his lack of a colon.

Please don't give up. There are people out there who aren't narrow minded assholes. Try to think of your bag as your personal jerk-detector. And please try not to worry about being alone - I'm sure there is someone (possibly more than one someone) out there for all of you.

Tiggy - thanks so much for your post. It's so important to remember these things. I'm rubbish at doing that and so will read and re read your words and try and take them in.
I'm newly single...and terrified!
Revel in your love you share with your man - it's obviously very special!
Luckybuzzbabe wrote:
Tiggy - thanks so much for your post. It's so important to remember these things. I'm rubbish at doing that and so will read and re read your words and try and take them in.
I'm newly single...and terrified!
Revel in your love you share with your man - it's obviously very special!

Smile Thanks! I know it's ridiculously difficult to engage in positive self-talk when you're actually deep in a situation which deals directly with your own body. It's like someone telling me that my husband couldn't care less whether I'm a size 6 or a size 16. I can tell myself that until I'm blue in the face, and he can do the same, but it takes a lot of practice to actually get into a positive mind set about my own appearance. I think all people can relate to that, ostomates or otherwise.

Here is a link to what I believe was one of my first posts on this website. I wrote it a while after my husbands surgery, and it was recently published in the June issue of the Phoenix magazine. It's a stupidly long read, but if you were at all interested, here it is:

                     Where do I begin.   I want to keep it short and sweet and know that it took some time to come to terms with it and this is what I have grown to know as the truth.

                 As I see myself and feel about my Ostomy,  comes through in every action word and deed that I do and my mate, partner, lover( as all animal do) pick up on that very scent and react accordingly.  
             For me the Ostomy has made me better than i could have ever been without it, and i consider it truly my lotto ticket to life, its incites, its nuances to the very nature of mankind and his or her imperfections........

           We are all so imperfect , its just how we project  or let those imperfections guide us that makes the difference.  Did you ever wonder how the guy who wasnt so good looking in HS but got the girls,  did it?...........It was his confidence of who he was and not the looks  that did it.....

                 We see it and just dont believe it, but it is true,  Confidence is sexy and can hide just about anything ,  even an Ostomy hanging off ones belly,  so much so that your partner will not even see it..
                I hope I am understood and my words are received the way I have intended.

Love to you all  Michael
Im just waiting to bump bags when the opertunity comes about.I think it will be fun.I think its a turn on to see a  lady with a bag.Just waiting for the invite.Dinner first .
roger that - I heavily agree with loren4life in that the older we get the more acceptable we are to others physical limitations and appearances. I've had my Ostomy for 40 years. I received it in 1970 secondary to a Neurogenic Bladder caused by Spina Bifida. I can honestly tell you that I have never had any problems with finding physical intimacy with women. I think you will be surprised.  Women are definitely understanding and very willing to overlook a "life saving" medical condition and see you for who you are! If they shriek and run ..........they were not right for you to begin with. Having an Ostomy will slow you down and cause you to get to know women better before you reveal your condition. And, speaking from experience, don't allow that to scare you either. I have had a few women that I really.....really liked who expressed their inability to "handle' my condition. This is beyond our ability to control. They need, or have to accept all of me, especially since I can't change. I always found it interesting that I would inevitably find another woman whom I liked even better than the last!  

I hear you when you express your concern over a possible accident during sex. What can I say, accidents are always a possibility. Like driving to work, accidents become acceptable risks that we must deal with on a daily basis. The more sexually active you become with a consistent partner, the more you will learn how and what to do and not to do during the act in order to reduce accidents!  

In time you will discover that the only person your Ostomy matters to.................is you!

- "can't wait to bump bags"   - this literally made me laugh out loud.  seriously best laugh i've had all day.

- samIam, we have soooo much in common.  i also have a form of spina bifida and illeostomy since i was 4...i'm now 46.  when i read your post, it was like reading my own story!

Urostomy...not ileostomy, brain not working tonight.  ha

Hi all,  I'm everyone's posts and ca't help to laugh and cry at the same time.  I've had my ostomy for almost two years now,  and its sad to say that my husband is no longer attracted to me sexually in any way.   He was never able to keep his hands off of me,  and now he can't get far enough.  The weight gain and the bag have really shown his true colors I guess.  I'm the same inside but I guess its not for everyone.............unconditional love I mean.  So.... here I am,  37 years old and trying to understand if it ever gets better.  I wish I had the confidence as many of you have. Its hard to love and accept yourself with your new accessories,  let alone be loved by the one person who is suppose to be there no matter what.
any advise???
thanks for listening
Hi cricket!
Nice to meet ya! And here I was thinking I was unique! Without highjacking the thread, I hope we can exchange stories later!

It's hard for me to relate to your situation as I have lived my entire life with my accessory. I've never known a relationship without my Ostomy. I feel under qualified to offer any advise but I will say that every situation eventually gets better! As I've said before, how others feel and react to change or differences are beyond our ability to control. Since we can't change others we must turn the focus on ourselves. We men can be slow to accept change and your Hubby may just be dealing with his issues by distancing himself.
For both Men and Women with Ostomies, please remember that your self image affects your partners as well. As beyondpar stated, "confidence is sexy and can hide just about anything, even an Ostomy hanging off ones belly, so much so that your partner will not even see it." A great starting point would be to ask yourself what, if anything, would help you to start to love and accept yourself and your new accessories and begin taking steps in that direction.

I really hope someone who has been through a similar situation as yours will chime in soon!
This post has also made me laugh .....  Biker ...I bumped bags with my guy for 24 1/2 years...and while we did ocassionally have accidents, we had a good sex life.  The turn off for him was my going back to school.  He was angry all the time after that and it became worse the better I did. And when I  began to gain weight, he got nasty about that....  And so the marriage ended.     I'm not going to say more about him, since he has an ostomy and may end up on this site.  

Acceptance is different for all people.  some big heavy guys, want tiny women..... Others have preferances for blondes, brunettes, or a gal with "big boobs".  One guy who didn't know anything about my surgery wanted a "smaller woman with tight skin".   Women have their own criteria....   tall , short, handsome.....  with hair, no hair... ( Personally, I find bald sexy).  And then there's the blind date I went on.  When he opened the door and smiled, I found he had no teeth.  My ostomy was a non issue.  He had driven two hours to meet me, and I had to go out in public with a toothless person.  And althoughhe was a nice guy, I told him I wouldn't go out with him again, unless he had teeth.

My ostomy has been a life saver for me, and I make no apologies about that.  It comes with the package that is "me".  I'm willing to put myself out there, meet people, and if I connect with someone on other levels ( interests, personality, chemistry) that's when I'll disclose.  That could be a first date, a second, or "never".  My guide is ...."IF", I think I want his hands below my neck then I'll consider disclosing.  That's worked for me since I was a teenager, and it's never disappointed me.  I never want to get a "WHAT"S THAT?" in an intimate moment.  

Thank you all for your input, your support and insights....
Hi everyone Smile

So glad someone posted this on the forum!..So..I am not sorry for my ostomy..it helped save my life and I am grateful everyday! and I refuse to let it define me as a person however..I struggle with when and how to tell people..I am a tell it like it is kind of person but struggle with that one..I believe it is better to be upfront and honest with people and really believe you can do that without hurting anyones feelings..but, how do you handle it when yours are the ones that get hurt? And has anyone noticed that sometimes it is easier to tell people you barely know about your ostomy than it is to tell people you have known forever?? I have no problem with going out..being kick ass and having fun but when it comes to men..OMG I am the village idiot..now throw in the ostomy ..haha..well lets just say it is not a pretty site!! Smile as well as living in a very small town..I mean lets face it..who doesnt want a lil umm what did bbg call it "bag bumping" once in awhile..(LMAO about that term)!! but in the end one really nice, down to earth guy who loves a village idiot with an ostomy would be grand !
When it comes to revealing my Ostomy to potential mates, I have a strategy that works well for me. I'm not a one night stand kinda guy so I stay away from places where these kind of encounters might occur. I've learned that it's best to get know someone, for a while at least, before I have any expectation of taking things to the next level. While I'm a huge advocate for honesty, I try and wait until the relationship is a little more evolved before I reveal. When you give someone time to get to know you as a person, the original physical attraction will only grow stronger with the edition of a well nurtured emotional bond and the fact that you have an Ostomy becomes less of an issue. Now comes the harder part.........you still must be memorable in bed! If so, they won't be thinking about your Ostomy! The less she's impressed with your sexual prowess, the more that Ostomy becomes a problem!
Friends, both long term and short, are a different matter for me. I have found, for me at least, that NOT telling friends works best for me! Here's why......in years gone by I have told some really close friends about my condition and it immediately precipitated undue concern, gross pity, gooey compassion, and unwarranted attention for my welfare. I can live without that! So I don't tell unless I absolutely have to! Also, remember that friends tend to form tight social groups with loose lips...people are judgmental enough so why add to the list! As I sit here writing this, I can think of hundreds of examples that I could tell you about on this subject.......I'll save that for another post.

When it comes to physical/sexual attraction men and women are miles apart!!! The only common ground that they can share is confidence! Women are not attracted to men with low self esteem and visa versa! No matter a woman's stature, if she's confident and oozing sexy...........she can pick and choose from the tongue wagging men at her feet!
roger that Love all the coments you do know you can wear a t-shirt i did no probs..Its weird when you get to be an ostomate women and men you kind of really have to delve into yourself without it we never gave a shitt..Now we worry bla bla i BUNJEE JUMPED FOR MY #)th birthday no one seen the pouch i like to say pouch and yes i feel like a few of you as well i aam single 43 but mate i am gr8 maybr not everday People walk down tthe street see if anyone looks at your pouch ( i dont think so) also girls we can be on top I would love to meet an osto that i am attracted to but most men are tooo far from australia x mooza
hey you do we think wen we meet a guy or a woman that we have stomas girls i have worn a t-shirt ..we are our worst enemys cricket and that other guy should hook up hmmmmmm
Hi Bettyboop7,
     I'm also walking in the same shoes as you. I got sick last year, ulcerative colitis. I was in and out of the hospital from December-May. I had an ileostomy in April, along with some fistula problems, this is from a person that was never sick a day in her life!  Ive been married 38 years, we've had our ups and downs as most married people. My husband can't accept me physically now. He says he loves me, but we haven't been intimate for almost a year now.  We live like room mates with no "benefits". Talk about unconditional love. I've discussed divorce with him, but he doesn't want to loose all the "stuff" we've collected through the years, selfish, I think. I've moved out of the bedroom, he thinks its rediculous, but I feel really rejected. At this point, I don't know what to do. Like I said, we're wearing the same shoes!
Ugh..that makes me so angry...my husband an I had a good sex life too...then 'BAM'..I got sick..had a colostomy..multiple surgeries n hospital stays and he couldn't handle it..38 yrs down the drain..an you know what? God forbid it had been him I wouldn't have blinked an eye..we were 'roommates' for years but I knew he was out  there doing his thing...so it was over.my self esteem sucked...I deserve better...I can be miserable by myself I don't need someone else making me miserable...hang in there ladies..
Oh Betty - I SO share your feelings of bewilderment!  My husband of 22 years never touched me intimately again after my first (temporary) colostomy in 2003.  He wouldn't even sleep in the same room with me, saying I "kept him awake".  He actually became downright mean after a while and even said to me "Why didn't you die?"

Well, of course later, when he was divorcing me I found out he'd been seeing someone else all along and couldn't wait to dump me and get remarried!

It takes a special kind of man to get past the physical revulsion that little boys feel in the presence of "icky" stuff.  The men on this site qualify as special, but I think they are unusual.  I've worked in health care for a lot of years, and I've seen men who wouldn't even LOOK at their own ostomies - forcing their wives to take of "the bag".  (These were probably the same men who souldn't change diapers either!) I've seen daughters care for their mothers' ostomies, and vice versa.

Women ARE more physically tolerant.  I don't know of ANY woman that has left a man or turned away in revulsion from caring for a loved mate.  Overwhelmed - yes - but not out of disgust.  This may sound sexist, but it's the rare woman who will turn her back and abandon (physically or psychologically) the person she promised to stand by in sickness and in health  Wink
The men on this site qualify as special, but I think they are unusual.

Yea, I think I'm unusual...............I'm also very proud to be in a class of men that are very different than most men!

On a more serious note, Margretg, goldengirl, and Pinky, I'm so very sorry that your ex-husbands/husbands treated you so poorly and adversely reacted to your Ostomies. I can't or won't even try to understand this behavior. I'm sure genetics plays a strong role in there somewhere. I think Pinky has hit the proverbial nail on the head when she say's......

Women ARE more physically tolerant.  I don't know of ANY woman that has left a man or turned away in revulsion from caring for a loved mate.  Overwhelmed - yes - but not out of disgust.  This may sound sexist, but it's the rare woman who will turn her back and abandon (physically or psychologically) the person she promised to stand by in sickness and in health.

Most men are not cut from the same emotional and behavioral stock as almost all women! It certainly doesn't seem fair but it is a painful fact. I would love to think that if I had never had my Ostomy that I would have never acted the way your spouses did! I believe in perseverance! There are men in the world that will accept you the way you are, don't give up trying!
You are so welcome Ira...
Hope you have talked to more woman on this site, because I truly believe you will find your sweet angel soon
Sharon !!!
I know it sounds so cliche,  but its so true... if the opposite sex is in any way repulsed by the fact you are wearing a bag..they are not worth it! It is so easier said than done. Noone wants to be rejected!  It's human nature! When you do find that special one that accepts you..warts and all..wow, what an incredible feeling! Not only too be loved unconditionally, but to have the faith and know there are truly good people in this world!! We are the lucky ones who have been through so much but in the end we have no doubts that we are truly loved!!!

hey, you know what i do, i come straight out and tell them i have a stoma and that it doesnt affect me in any way. I wear a hernia waistband which hides the bag for intimate moments and ive only had one freak out. My suggestion is just be yourself and try to think of ways that give people a chance to see the wonderful person whos behind the stoma, once they see who you are and workout that the stoma doesnt change anything you'll find the one Very Happy
hey roger that, don't make assumptions about your love life.  there is a nice lady out there for you, maybe you are a little like myself, i have not put the action out there. you know you have to put out a certain amount of action in life and kinda go after what you want & need! It's been a year & 4 months as a permanent colostomy person I have NOT taken my own advice. keep your head up lets send each other positive energy!!!!!!!!

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