So, I'm about 4 weeks into having my ileostomy, and I'm starting to get back on my feet and go places. This necessitates a new wardrobe, both because I have no winter clothes and because, as an 18-year-old girl, I have a lot of little stretchy clothes that don't really work with an ostomy. I'm mostly looking at sweaters in the stores, since it's cold outside and sweaters are really pretty :). But it's actually really hard to find tops of any sort that aren't either really tight or too short to cover my pouch fully if it hangs down. My 9" pouch hangs to just the hem of a lot of shirts, so when I sit or raise my arms it sticks out. So here's what I'm starting to ask myself: Do I even freaking care? The people I spend time with are going to know I have an ostomy, and strangers can think whatever they like because I'm never going to see them again. I don't dress so that other people won't be bothered by the sight of me. What if I had something wrong with my face? Should I wear a bag on my head?
That sounded highly indignant. Anyway, I'm not talking about wearing the same tiny clothes I (sometimes) used to, I just don't want to obsess over whether my pouch is completely entirely hidden at all times. I can put a cover on it or something if seeing the clip is too much for people. In any case, the pouch shows under most shirts when it begins to fill up, giving me a bulge over one leg so I'm weirdly asymmetrical. I've tried wearing it sideways, but I find that *very* uncomfortable, and then when it starts filling up I look pregnant, which is way more embarrassing.
In spite of all my tough talk, I kind of don't think I'll be able to comfortably wear anything but the six or so long, loose shirts I've found that don't show my ostomy at all. It would help a lot if I didn't strongly suspect that seeing the pouch bothers my *family*. I have to live with these people, and I feel like I have to hide the pouch even around my house. When I have my own apartment, I'm wearing whatever the hell I want to at home, but I'm not there yet. So now I wonder, to what lengths do other ostomates go to hide the pouch? Am I actually responsible for making sure other people are comfortable around me, or is that their job? One thing I do know is, better that this happens to me than to some of my friends who TOTALLY couldn't deal with it all. In some cases, their entire identity is wrapped up in (skanky) clothing, (no judgment cause I don't care what they wear but it gives you an idea), and they would sink into an all-consuming depression if they no longer matched their friends when they went to parties. I never matched anyway so whatever. That sounds harsh. I love my friends. They'll be cool about this because they were fine when I had no hair and my entire body was raw peeling skin. So I should shut up about their clothes. The fact that I'm obsessing over clothes in the first place is a good indicator that I've resolved all my real problems for the time being. But I feel like I've got something to prove, and that I won't have fully recovered as long as I'm limited to a wardrobe that doesn't even have an outfit for every day of the week.
Nobody has to care about my rambling, which I would write in a private diary if the internet didn't encourage us all to broadcast our thoughts, but if somebody does read this I'd be interested to know how they felt about concealing their ostomy and if they had an easier time finding clothing than I do. I'm going to stop before I write a novel here. Peace :)
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Hollister
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Hollister
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