Navigating Intimacy with an Ostomy: Tips and Experiences

Hi jpeters...interesting question about the paragraphs. I format...and then always find that it's just one big paragraph. I tend to write too much so it's scary to look at...And now about your response to the SEX post......OMG! How negative it sounds. I've always been a short, chubby, female, and then adding my ostomy to that, it seems that there would be no hope for me! Yes...it might be easier for that tall, handsome, fit, wealthy guy, to attract women, but oftentimes people are so shallow, and don't look beneath the surface. Real people, look for or want a kind, generous (with their time not only their money) honest, sincere, fun (good sense of humor goes a long way) interesting, partner, companion, friend or mate. If one is interested in just having sex I guess doing what your cousin does, makes sense for him. Perhaps your 5'5 cousin doesn't have much to offer of himself....in a dating relationship. I had a tall, beautiful friend, who met and married a man (working not wealthy) a head shorter than she was. She was looking for quality of character, not just height, appearance or $$$$$ I am still short, and am probably at the heaviest I've ever been in my life, and I'm seeing a wonderful guy (having good sex) for the last year and a half. He is kind, generous, and sees past my ostomy, weight, and scars. And believe me....Ostomates DATE! I've had my surgery since I was 15, dated then, married, divorced, and have been dating again. I had been involved with a young adult Ostomy group, and we were all dating back then. I don't think much has changed....Addressing your #'s - I shower, use deodorant, so yes..I smell normal. Those without ostomies FART and boy....do they smell! I eat when I'm hungry, and don't worry about output. That's what bathrooms are for. I've never tried to CAP and never would. I don't need zero output, I'm ok with my auto-digestive system. It's like asking to guarantee that your nose won't run, or your skin won't sweat. There are so many other things to occupy one's mind... No sense in trying to control the uncontrollable. So if you really want to be out there, dating or finding someone with whom to have sex intimacy....I recommend a review of your criteria. Best wishes...Marsha

Hi Marsha, haha, yeah what's up with the formatting? I might Wireshark it to see if the browser strips out all the formatting characters when you click submit. If not, it happens on the site itself. Re: dating, it probably depends a lot on your age/location. You're 65, right? So at that stage of life things like personality matter a lot more. In your 20's, in San Diego / LA / Phx, it's all your looks and income. My cousin is 5'5, works in finance, nice guy, American girls treated him like dirt. But he got a lot of attention from girls in Mexico, because American citizenship is sexy down there. I had no luck with girls either when I was poor, then I started doing well and magically, attention from girls. Not nearly as much as tall, handsome guys who were unemployed potheads, but enough. Now I smell like crap 100% of the time despite great hygiene. I haven't had sex in 10 years, probably never will again. The effects of a disability. Life doesn't forgive weakness, you know? Anyway, very interesting to swap life stories. You seem like a nice lady and I'm sure your guy friend enjoys your company. JP

It's hard given the lack of stats, but you could probably create an equation to rank a person 1-10 / 10 on the attraction scale. I knew a guy who ran a club and he said lean guys with less muscle did better with girls than heavier guys with more muscle. So in 2005 San Diego, lean was more valuable than strong. Or for every 2 of height, x% more girls will date a guy, until he's 6'3, at which point y% will stop wanting him as he keeps growing. Bottom line is an 8/10 girl or guy will get far more dates than a 2/10. The 2/10 is in for a lot of rejection to find just one partner, who probably won't treat them well. It's just the nature of being 25. JP

Help all
I'm new to the site and this is my first post. I've been reading through quite a bit of your suggestions and was wondering how any of them can equate to gay men. I've had my colostomy bag for four years now and I am afraid to try. Hence, celibacy even though I am quite eager to re-join the ranks.

I found a product several years ago that is absolutely fantastic. It really helps with the spontaneity of sex. If you look up online, it's called the Stealth Belt. I personally have a urostomy, so my belt's a little thinner, but I see they have a belt that has a dip in the bottom where you have if you have a colonoscopy. It would fit right in. But what's nice about this is it holds it in place, it's attractive, and you can wear it under your clothes and people won't even know you have it on. They also have one made from neoprene, which they say is good if you want to go swimming or anything like that. I don't have one because I just don't swim, but you might be interested in that as well. But with this in place during sex, the bag doesn't flop around, it's secure, it's not noticeable, and you don't feel like moving or anything else.