Feeling trapped in a no-win situation

The last four months or so have been a roller coaster for me. Basically, right before Christmas, my wife and I called it quits. There are lots of reasons, and I have my view of things (like, for instance, I've been fighting a debilitating slew of diseases for the past 10+ years...) and she has her views. Don't really need to get into them, I'm sure many of you have been there too with spouses who don't/can't/won't walk a mile in your shoes, so you know where this goes. Anyway, we agreed to play nice for Christmas and also a Spring Break trip we'd planned and paid for, and for the most part, we did. We also agreed to counseling, which we have been going to. But in the end, I am getting the impression that there is no win or lose here, just two people with vastly different views on things these days.

I've been quite sick with a nasty cold for about a month now (had it in Hawaii over spring break...fun) that really took me down this week and have missed a full week of work. I'm not ever someone that would ask to be waited on hand and foot, but it'd be nice if there was a little understanding from the wife that I'm already running on empty most days after work, so add a cold that has turned into walking pneumonia and I'm pretty much down for the count. But apparently, instead, this is the week to end the pleasantries and start digging at me and my disease once again. Forget that I hold down a full-time job and pay all the household bills. Forget that I do try to assist around the house, do yard work, etc. (yes, I will admit that when I am really tired, it doesn't get done right away, nobody has ever died because the lawn wasn't mowed this week!). Nope, I'm just a bad husband who doesn't pull his weight.

Seriously, I am literally killing myself at my job to pay for all our major expenses plus vacations and projects (I make good money, but at a cost) when what I really need is a much lower stress job but that doesn't pay. So I'm fuct either way. If I work less or make less, then I'm not pulling my weight financially, but if I pull my weight financially, then I'm not pulling my weight around the house. Damned if I do, damned if I don't.

Basically, we are co-parents under the same roof, but there is no affection (there really hasn't been from her for almost a decade, about the same time I've either been fighting UC or after my ileostomy). After tonight, it sounds like she will be moving forward with moving out once the school year is over. I feel terrible for my kids more than anything else, but what can I do?

Anyway, thanks for listening. Not really looking for advice, just needing to put my frustration out somewhere where there might be a person or two who understands.

-Aaron

Hi Aaron,
You have been through a lot. Some people get it, others don't. Some people resent us for being sick, then recovering, then getting sick again and again. Almost as if they say "Here we go again". I understand how you feel. Some days you feel as if you could get everything done in one day, others you feel wiped out. Sometimes with a little compassion, a bad day can turn into a great day. It takes an empathetic, compassionate person to help. The spouses get tired of dealing with our internal issues they can't see or feel. Until you feel something on their side, you just don't get it. So, do what you can and don't beat yourself up mentally or physically. Some people just don't have what it takes to relate to us, and never will. I will keep you in my prayers, as I feel your discomfort and pain. Please know that there are people who understand and care. Take it one day or hour or minute at a time. Keep reaching out and don't hesitate to vent.

Cindy

Canadian Aaron ... my heart goes out to you!!! Some people are very lucky to have a loving and compassionate spouse... however, we all don't have them. Don't give up, keep on pushing. It will not always be unbearable. Look at it like this: when it rains, we only appreciate the sunshine when it comes .... I will pray for you, Aaron... don't give up..... you have been a brave soldier. This is the place to vent, among people who understand. Keep holding on!!!! Angelicamarie

Thank you for sharing! You are in a tough spot and I can relate to growing apart from a partner but couldn't imagine having a child involved too. I hope life eases up for you soon! You seem pretty tough but we all have a breaking point. Hope you found the good in your day and hope you are feeling better too!

Hi Aaron. You got some pretty thoughtful and caring responses from people here with a lot of wisdom and sensitivity in this area. Shakespeare once said that the course of true love never did run smooth. My late wife, Esther, and I worked at it constantly over 45 years until other forces intervened. There was an old admonishment that marriage was a 50-50 proposition. Initially I bought into that, but with some modification. Yes, marriage is a 50-50 proposition, but some days are 75-25 and other days are 25-75, and still other days might be 100-0. The important thing is that, as time passes and love grows, no one thinks about doing any counting. When your relationship becomes and remains loveless over time, however, other priorities surface such as the best interest of your children and your own mutual mental health. Decision time. Be not afraid to do what's right. PB

My Ostomy Journey: Ryan | Hollister

Hi Aaron,
Here comes negativity! But because I positively believe you will be happier on your own. The relationship you are in undoubtedly affects your self-esteem, no matter who's right or wrong. You need to be in a good place emotionally to get well; besides, overworking at home or work drags your resources down.
As far as the kids are concerned, you know they can sense the stress as well, if not noticeably so. The chance for them to meet the real you instead of the broken you is worth the split as long as you continue to be their dad.
Not saying it will be easy. I was in a terrible marriage for 23 years until he finally wanted out. I'm still angry, but it's because he didn't go until I was 55 years old, and I was a broken mess with no self-esteem also.
I was trying to keep the house I had when we married, which is why I didn't go myself, but we ended up losing it so neither of us won that one.
Sorry, but I think you should get out and learn to breathe again.
Charlotte
P.S. If you take a lesser job after you've been assigned support, you can go to court with the new wages and redetermine your cost.

Boy, I guess I need to be thankful, and I better hurry to share that with my wife of almost 55 years. I'm happy we've had all we did, have what we do now, and can look forward to the future together. Two people living in the same place, making decisions on everything together, and happily doing almost everything together is almost unimaginable. The problem we have for starters is that each is a person. That means each is one in about 7 billion. Each has his/her likes, dislikes, wants, needs, preferences, and most horribly, opinions. Sometimes we might find a couple who are identical in a lot of ways. I can't imagine spending 55 years with someone identical to me. I try to respect everyone's existence in whatever way they choose to exist, provided it doesn't hurt or damage other persons, places, or things. I also want to be right all the time; not to show that I'm smarter than my wife, but so she could be proud that her husband is always right. I think it takes a real moron to pursue that philosophy. But, I guess we're all a little nuts sometimes, so I forgive myself. I even learned recently that accepting another's opinion can make my life a lot easier. I wish everyone who's good, which is the great majority, could find happiness beyond complacency. More importantly, I wish all good people could avoid bad situations.
So let's do whatever we need to get rid of the bad stuff and enjoy what's good for us; together with someone or alone.
Respectfully,
Mike

Well said ImacG5!! Good advice for everybody!

I love your comments Harleydoll and I feel the same as you about not letting anybody into my comfort zone, though I'm told it's because I never get out to meet any new people even before my surgeries. I am real comfy here in my zone though...

Aaron, feel free to vent. I am one of the biggest snivellers on this site, but it feels so good to get rid of it sometimes! That's the greatest thing about having ostomates in my opinion.

Charlotte

I understand completely. I was only married a year when I was diagnosed with Crohn's in 1995. I fought good days and bad days and went through two pregnancies. I also held a full-time job up until I gave birth to my second daughter in 2004. My girls' father was supportive all through my surgery in 2006 for my ileostomy. But then two years later, I started having other complications and had to have another surgery. This is the day, which happened to be my 14th wedding anniversary, that I knew my marriage was over. All I ever wanted was to be well enough to be a wife physically to my husband. But he had other plans when he decided another woman was who he wanted. My husband waited for me to be well to end our marriage. This was in 2009. So I start over as a single mother with a 9- and 5-year-old. With the good Lord guiding me, I'm still here, going strong. Just wanted you to know you're not alone, Aaron! Keep your head up.

Joanna

Hi Aaron, thank you for sharing your story with all of us. You came to the right place... MAO is such a wonderful site with so many kind people. I am very saddened to hear that your marriage is struggling. Who said that famous phrase... "It's not over until it's over"... maybe things are just at a crossroads for now. As we all know, life is full of peaks and valleys... maybe this is one of those times that may last for a while. I will keep you in my prayers, wishing peace for you. I got sick several years after I was married. It was a difficult time because I knew my illness was adding stress to our lives, not just my life. It is not easy being sick, nor is it easy for the well person to see how sick their loved one is, and they can't make it better. Take care. Sincerely, LH

Hi Aaron. Thanks for sharing your story. The deterioration of any marriage, with or without children, is sad. I was married for 24 1/2 years before it ended. Both my ex and I were "miracle children", having survived Crohn's Disease (him) and Ulcerative Colitis (me). It was apparent from the beginning that, although we loved each other, we had different views of life. And basically, I was a "child" of 20 (he was 28) and I accepted him as "the boss" or parent if you will. But a child (even an old one) will grow up, so after having 2 children, I found it odd that I could make decisions for my kids but not for myself... I began to develop more interests in the community, with the kids' activities, and I returned to school, something my ex knew I was going to do. But when the time came (and the kids were in school), he made it clear that my doing things out of the house was abandoning "him" and our family. Although we both had ostomies, he had active Crohn's and was often ill. But he continued to work full time and take care of the house and chores. He could have made life easier for himself (hiring help), but it was his pride that stood in the way. When one of our sons became ill (with Crohn's), we were devastated, and by the time our second son was diagnosed (with UC), our marriage was over. I wanted to make it work... I loved him and our family, but he had become so angry and bitter that there was no communication. Twenty years have passed, and he died 4 years ago, remarried to my first cousin, and still carrying a grudge about "how I ruined our marriage" (by changing). It saddens me that I never could figure out when his love for me turned to hate. Our divorce divided our family since he didn't want our sons to have anything to do with me. To have a relationship with me meant fighting with their father. As difficult as it might have been, I would have liked to stay married. But the divorce gave me the opportunity to be myself, not to be judged and criticized, and to restart a new life in my 40s. I think I learned that it's not about being right or wrong in a relationship, but the ability to let each partner grow and change while still being married. It wasn't possible for us... but that's my hope for you and your wife.

Thank you all for your comments, I do appreciate reading every one of them.

-Aaron

May I just offer a little reading which has some ideas you could choose to try to help change her views?
http://www.shenzhoufellowship.org/main2/files/old/SpecialTopics/TheLoveDare.pdf

For better or worse, in sickness and in health. But, when the reality of those vows actually comes into play, that is when you find out if the 'LOVE' is actually 'love'.

All I can say is that I understand. My ex ultimately just couldn't deal with the fact that I had a chronic illness (multiple sclerosis) and sent me an email to "end this as amicably as possible". (All we had between us was two cats, and I sure as hell took them with me!) It is hard to be alone, and even harder when you are going through bad ostomy times... but that is why I have a wonderful community of family and friends to assist when I need a hand.
I wish you the very best - and I'd invite you out for a pint if you were a bit closer to Boston!

Hey MMM, your attitude is world class! You certainly deserve a wonderful community.
Respectfully,
Mike

It's a common thing for your partner to leave. I forced mine to marriage counseling and was floored by what she said. It boiled down to she thought I was going to die, so she distanced herself so it wouldn't hurt so much and found a younger guy. Then, she wiped me out in the divorce. Good luck, dude. Hope for better or worse still applies somewhere.