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What's the point?


Hi Everyone,

I'm Niamh...I've been a member for over a year but have been a bit quiet. I just felt I needed to post this... I'm feeling really down at the minute.

I've had an ostomy since 2009 after 2 years of hell with UC. I had a boyfriend all through my illness but he couldn't accept the bag after the op and the relationship broke down 9 months later.

I've only recently felt like getting out there and meeting somebody. I'm a really loving and affectionate person and miss having somebody to share my life with. I met a really nice guy a couple of months ago and we started to date. It was playing on my mind about telling him about the bag so last week when we were chatting...I told him.

He seemed to take it really well....just saying nobody is perfect. The following week he was hardly in contact with me so I knew something was up. Eventually last night I got talking to him and it turns out that he doesn't know if he can get his head around the bag. I've explained to him that it was a life and death situation and that I should be able to get the reversal done. He was very apologetic about it but it doesn't make it any easier to accept.

I really think I'm destined to be alone forever.... I keep thinking back when I was first told I had to have the bag and the horror that went through my head. I don't think any man will ever accept this.

What's the point in even trying anymore to find somebody???

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oh nimah my heart goes out 2 u 1st of all some1 who cant accept u for who u r ,honestly isnt worthy of u ,i know its not easy but im sure ev 1 who has got what uve got have dealt with the same emotions and have got over it ,dont get me wrong we all have days when we are depressed ,but just keep telling yourself that theres always some 1 worse of than yourself and trust me ure stronger than u think ,im a great believer that theres some1 out there for ev 1 and after a few attempts ive found mine [mind u it only took me 30yrs ha ha ]anyway whats the rush just enjoy there company and make friends 1st then when ure not expecting it some 1 will b there for u ,lots of love and b strong tc xxxxxjackie
we all have days when we r depressed ,but just say to yourself ,theres always some1 worse of than yourself ,anyway whats the rush make friends 1st and when ure not expecting it ul find some 1 who likes u bag or no bag ,b strong and start living your life ,if anything my ostomys gave me loads of confidence as any 1 whos went thru that can face up 2 anything,b strong and tc luv shakyjakiexxxx

If you believe what you just said, you will create a self-fulfilling prophesy. Here's another option: believe that the right man will accept your situation. A negative attitude will telegraph an unfortunate message to the world that you're "damaged goods." How you feel about yourself affects how others will feel toward you. Time for some self-esteem. Go for it.
You're feelings are entirely justified and will come and go. If it gets too hard, please seek help. I have been treated for depression and it has helped me enormously. The fact is life is full of creepy people but also wonderful, supportive and joyous ones and it is to those whom you must turn. Create a network of love.

As to finding a partner, that will take time. But it helps if you can look in the mirror and deal with what you see yourself, and that takes time too. The time will come. Just remember we have all made a life and death decision and when I see that damn thing (which I still hate, lol) and the scar, I think: Man! You are a survivor! And others feel that way about me too.

Take care.

what if the man had a bag too????............
good luck

MMSH  has the point.  You came in here for support,  so try and get it.  

There will be  some one in here for you.  Just keep making contact and stick with it.

For example, you said you got your bag in '09 and this is the first time I have seen you in the

forum. Don't give up.  I am a guy and I realize that this is a girl thing but

good luck and happy hunting!
Oh for God's sake......we all poop. Some of us do it a little different. If you are scared of the bag, then whoever you meet will be scared too.  You were very lucky your boyfriend isn't in the picture......would you want to have to make sure he is ok everytime there is a leak, pain, hospital visit? He should be doing that for you!!! I do not understand one thing. If you have an ostomy and tell a potential partner about it and then add that a reversal is in the talks,, does it make it seem not so real and not so scary to you? Does it make us with permanent ostomies less than those who could not get reversed? As a beautiful woman, (yes I am chatting to you!) smile, talk and do things you did before getting the ostomy.....THAT IS THE REAL YOU!!!!! That is the person that should get dolled up and flirt with the next man that winks at you. That is the person who secretly craves the acceptence of her body. And that is also the woman I am. I cry, I laugh, and I am terrified to tell a man. But when you find the one that shruggs his shoulders and says "Do you like to rollar blade on our next date?" , THe sky will shine more brightly and you will laugh to imagine that you could have been stuck with someone who DID NOT have u or your relationship in the right priority.

Sorry for the harsh, also nasty remarks. I hope you read this over and over till the bulb lites up and you get. You get you are no different and the man the falls in love with you adores and loves the bag becasue it made you a better life. You would never of met him if u didnt have a bag. So be proud of the bags ability to help you find a great man!

Litttle tough ostomy love.

Hi Nini........I can feel the saddness, heart break and fear in your words and it breaks my heart. It CAN feel like the end of the world, hope it helps to know that, you're not alone. My marriage ended as a result of my illness and subsequent ostomy surgery, so I can relate. May it help to know that this site is full of men and women who have survived the loss of their relationship or are in the mist of living with rejection. If you read profiles, you'll find those who have never had a relationship, be it due to illness or maybe just paralized by the fear of rejection. Sad to imagine never allowing yourself the opportunity to be loved in an effort to avoid possible heartache. Ostomy or not, love is ALWAYS a chance. Much better to be rejected, than to live pretending to be anything other than who you are. Would you turn your back on anyone you REALLY loved? If your answer is NO, then you've just answered the relationship question, sweet girl. Anyone unable to accept you with "accessories", didn't love you in the first place.

The world is full shallow people. Try looking at  our situation in another way. What about appreciating the fact that  our "Bag" is our "JERK" detector !!! Wow, consider all the pain it probably saved us in the long run, huh?  When I see my ex, I can't help but think to myself................"Thaaaaaank you", I've already had enough "Shit" in my life, GOOD RIDDANCE !! (We can also count on KARMA...LOL)

MMSH also has a wonderful suggestion...we ostomates should stick together !! As a matter of fact...MMSH and I have been blessed to find have each other. It's true,  they do save the best for last !!! I plan to be with this man the rest of my life. We've only been together since May and I've NEVER been happier. SO DON'T give up or let it get you down. Your life of love isn't over.  I'm telling you......IT CAN BE OUTSTANDING !!

Your friend, BEG

Browneyedgirl hit the nail on the head. Our bag is a Jerk Detector. If any guy treats you like crap over the bag tell them "TO KISS YOUR STOMA" enough said.  After everything you've been thru to survive you don't need dudes like this in your life. They don't deserve you.

         Sorry to hear you're down in the dumps. I have to agree with everyone's excellent advice on this topic and I would also like to add that I was once in your shoes. Young and single with an ostomy and a lot of questions racing through my mind. Am I ever going to have sex again? (Yes). What are girls going to think? (Usually not a big deal). How am I going to tell them? (Wait to get to know them better).

          You're just going to have to trust me on this one but to the right person it really doesn't matter. It's totally irrelevant. You're new to this but in time your ostomy will become nothing more than an inconvenience. You  are an attractive woman. Project a positive attitude and a sense of humor and you'll be fine.


P.S. How are things in Dublin? The attached picture is me with my grandmother taken on my last visit there in 1957! I really need to get around more often (LOL).


There's more wisdom and sanity in these 7 words than in all the philosophy and psychology books ever written. Nice work, Snow!
Thanks everyone for your replies. I was having a bit of a meltdown's only the 2nd one since getting my mála (my nickname for it...means Bag in Gaelige!) so not doing too bad! I've managed to curtail the blubbering today so reckon that's a good sign!  

I know my post probably gives the impression that I'm a negative, glass half full kinda person but I'm very much a positive person...was just having a bad day! That said, i'm still disheartened when it comes to thinking about finding that special somebody.

You're right shakyjakie... he's not worth it and it's better to find out that he's shallow and immature now rather than later on down the road.

mild_mannered_super_hero..... I would be thrilled. At least they would have had a similar experience and understand what it's like. It doesnt seem to be happening on here for me. Not many members from my part of the world.... but heres hoping

snowwhite....thanks for the kick up the ass! Maybe it didnt sound like it in my post but I totally accept my mála... it has given me my life back. I have been offered the pouch surgery and I'm still considering whether I want to go for it or if I will just keep the bag permanently.

Thanks Browneyedgirl. Jerk Detector....I like that! So true!

Paul... thank you for the kind words. Dublin is grand.... a bit doom and gloom with all the economic problems but hey I dont let that stuff get me down. Life's too short! I love the photo... do you know what beach it is?
There is a genius among us!!!! And to think most people think their brains are in the arse!!
Please do not thank me for the kick in the ass. I know you were hurting but I hope you are like me....when I moan (and I do), my mom or friends will stop me right on the spot and never allow me to think I am not a whole, beautiful, smart woman. You are too. And like you, I cried today cause I got Bells Palsy last week (a condition that affect your cranial nerve and half my face will NOT botox!!!). I  just laughed till I cried. What else am i getting myself into!!! So cry and laugh so hard till you pee your pants cause it is alot funner than crying about spilt poop!! Just show the world u are ready to give and receive love and it will happen.

Good luck with finding someone half way decent.

As for finding someone else with an ostomy, even if you do, doesn't mean that they will not break your heart.

Take care.
Hi Nini,

      I asked my Mom where that picture may have been taken. She said the Bray was my grandmother's favorite beach.

Hi Nini,

I was so pleased to read all the responses to your post.  Although I've only been on this site for about a year, I've had my ostomy for more than 45.   I'm 62 now, so you do the math.  I dated when I was a teen......with my ostomy, and told some, and didn't tell others.  I eventually married a man who also had an ostomy, but that didnt bring us any closer.  We did stay married for 24 1/2 years, but after my divorce, I was out in the single world again.  Honestly, I have more issues about my weight, and other body scars and flaws, than I do about my ostomy.  I realized at a very young age, that if it was an issue for a guy, then he wasn't the one for me.  These days, I take it someone, and decide if I want to tell, or not.  Everyone has a different comfort level, and you'll get a lot of sharing and insight from fellow / sister ostomates.  So hang in there and think of your stoma as your "badge of survival".   It takes time, but you'll find the right person, when the time is right.  

Best of luck

Hey Paul,

I love the picture of you in Ireland.....   I have pics of me long ago with my grandmother at the beach in Coney Island.   Those old B & W all have the nostalgic feel...

Nini....hope to get to visit Ireland some time soon....  Right now....I'm in "Oz"/ Australia, visiting my son and his family.

Greetings to all...

Thanks Marsha

Lucky you over in Oz.... better weather i'd say than here in rainy aul Ireland!
It took longer than I expected to adjust to my ileo in 2008. Mine is non-reversible, as a result of severe Crohn's. My hubby of 25 yrs bailed for a healthier, younger model. I'm not trying to compare notes, just empathize. I'm convinced that there are at least 2 good men out there who can appreciate us for who we are and not let a stupid bag get in the way! Don't give up, but it might take a while to find just the right one, who deserves a terrific gal like you.
Hi Godswoman

So sorry to hear that.... what an ass! I hope you're doing good now.

I know you're right... its just a matter of keeping the chin up and remaining positive.

Thanks for the kind words,

Niamh x
Hi Niamh

Sorry to hear about your story, thers asses in all walks of life, ive two small stories for you,
1, My cousin lives in Dublin and since my op she has told me that her boyfriend has an ileostomy, took him about  4 weeks to tell her because the poor man didnt know how she would take it, the two of them are still together and very happy
2, My own Wife, what a woman, she has never made an issue about my MALA (brilliant,im robing that one) and sometims i think she enjoys it, maybe for the fact i cant fart any more Ha Ha

Anyway my point being that there are so many nice people out there that understand it is a life or death situation and these people barely notice your MALA. You will meet some one some day

Keep the faith Cailin(dont know how you got the fada)

By the way if you want me to come to dublin and sort these boys out just ask
Ah... thanks Austen. Two positive stories... definately helps to hear them!

You're welcome to use Mála anytime .

Take care, Niamh.

P.s.... Ctrl + Alt + a = á  
An 'osto-sister' I know met a young woman who was single when she had her ileo (permanent and irreversible BTW) and she said the bag actually did her a favor while she was dating... as she said it instantly "separated the men from the boys" without her making a lengthy investment in time and energy to find out which side of that fence they fell on. She's happily married now.
I had an Irish workmate once. he told me the pouge mahoney was an Irish greeting. it was an eventful St Paddys' day 4sure.  i dont know much about dating and such like, but i know how to duck.  and it sounds like you do too.   The round will only last 3 minutes.

Hi Niamh,
I'm afraid I don't know much about dating these days too, but from reading these posts of encouragement, you should feel good to see so many people behind you. I signed on to this site using my phone and only really had limited access until this weekend, but now have my laptop back in action. It's a great way to share your worries and anxieties as well as have a laugh, so make sure to use this and never feel alone! I've had wonderful family support through my recent illness, but still need a place to discuss with like-minded folk here.

But as the good folk keep saying here.......Keep the Faith! Your mate can't be far away!

Take good care, Colm
We all have up days and down days, just so the ups outnumber the bad,  I love all the great comments, I think the jerk detector comment is right on the money.  It will wean out the weak minded who can't accept it, then again what if you were in a terrible accident and your face was scarred up or you lost a limb, then these same idiots would run then tto.  I try to use humor to to keep my spirits up,  I have a song that I sing when I need a pick up, "He thinks my stoma's sexy, it really turns him on, You know he won't forget me, I got my little bag on "  ( Sing to the tune he thinks my tractor's sexy- )  When an invitation says BYOB, I think of course I will bring my own bag   Little things like this just keep me laughing, My favorite is when my family members who also have stomach issues say they have to hurry to the potty, I just smile and say huh, I'm pooping right now- LOL  Laugh and the world laughs with you !!!! Take care, Lisa
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