Hi guys, I'm confused by my body - the background is: I've known a guy for about seven years, I used to see him standing very quietly with his mates at a night club I used to go to, and he'd occasionally be looking at me, to cut a long story short, it took five years for me to be the one to approach him and say 'hi'. I was married at the time (getting divorced now), and there was no way I would be anything more than friends. We danced occasionally (he obviously plucked up the confidence!) I gave him my number to text as a friend, we kept in contact via email/text throughout my illness, and I was honest about what was wrong with me, my operations, wearing a wig at the time when the infection and severe anorexia made my hair fall out. I left my husband last year as he was a real 'Jekyll and Hyde', one day being the most caring, supportive guy a girl could wish for, the next very nasty/spiteful/threatening, and eventually his abusive behavior made me hit rock bottom when I was in the hospital again. Since then, until recently, I hadn't seen my friend at all, as I stopped going to the club because I moved nearer to my work, and we never saw each other out of it. He has now been to see me 5 times, texted me while away on holiday with mates abroad. I was terrified of being 'intimate' with him, partly because of 'Henrietta', my stoma, and the fact I'd had rejection from my husband long before I had my first stoma, low self-esteem etc. I've found someone who is truly genuine, he says it doesn't change who I am. We have been sexual twice now, and I wear a clingy top that I just pull the top down on and let it cover my bag, which I've already emptied beforehand and taped up out of view - he has said he would not know I had one, if I hadn't told him lol! The 'confusion' bit is this: I've bled slightly both times, I'm 47, have two grown-up children, and it feels like my already retroverted uterus has 'shifted' further since my last operation in February, I'm wondering whether this is the operation, my age or enforced celibacy for so long - I'm shy to ask my consultant, and yes there is pain afterwards, which I hide very well, I don't want to let him think he's hurt me at all.
Well, 47 is not old - so I, for one, don't think it's your age or being inactive sexually for a long time that is causing the pain. I do think you should tell your doctor about the pain ASAP to get his opinion on if he thinks it's a good idea to continue being intimate - and if there's a chance the pain could get worse by causing some damage to your uterus.
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Angelica- As usual, you've written another interesting post. February 5th, 2019, was my reversal surgery after having an ileo for 6 months. I'm one of those fortunate success stories. Of course, things are different now, and I still have to be careful about what and how much I eat, as I don't have a colon. At first, I was afraid to leave the house. My biggest fear was having to use a public bathroom and have the toilet not flush! Even now, when I know that I'll be in someone else's home, I won't eat anything beforehand. I read other people's stories and sometimes feel guilty for having had it so easy, not to mention that I have a significant other who is 100 percent supportive. I've gotten so much out of this website and truly feel for those of you who have it so much worse than I. But I feel it necessary to let folks hear about the success stories.
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Have you been keeping up to date with your smear tests? I am only asking because I have a friend who had similar problems.
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Don't think your uterus has anything to do with it. Going so long without sex, your vagina almost returns to a virgin-like state and has to be stretched out gradually like it did when you were a virgin. Remember how the first few times you were slightly uncomfortable during sex? Then, as you had coitus more and more, it became all pleasure, and you never thought of pain anymore. So I say... GET out and USE that thing MORE, GIRL, and everything will be fine.
A trip to the OBGYN is a good idea, honey. You could have something like a fibroid causing that... but of course, bleeding can happen sometimes for various reasons... but anything out of the ordinary for you should be looked at, but not to worry, almost every possible reason is usually manageable and nothing serious... but cover all bases to make sure, ok, honey? Let us know how you're doing. Xoxo
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1st, to wait 5 years to talk to someone must be a record, or you're both members of the procrastinators club. On a more important note, I would without doubt call and see your doctor ASAP. After all you've been through, every dr. and nurse knows all about your "private" stuff, and to not discuss this would be a huge mistake. To go through all we have all been through and to find out too late that some other issue makes you very sick again would be terrible and extremely depressing. Call the Dr., make an appt., go see him/her and explain in detail, and get better. I personally do NOT think sex has anything at all to do with the bleeding, you don't say if the pain is in your uterus area or vaginal area, that makes a big difference. Call the Dr,!!! Good luck sweetie, glad you found an understanding guy
I'm so glad I read your post. I have not had sex for over 6 years. I had cervical cancer and had some of the vagina taken away. It was also damaged during the internal and external radiation I received. I also had a fistula going from the bowel to the vagina. To be honest, I've been too sick to think about sex until recently. Since I had the ileostomy and urostomy done, I haven't felt, for want of a better word, attractive. My husband left when I first got cancer and we never had that good a sex life, but there were other issues involved in that. But recently, I began to really miss affection and wonder, will I ever feel attractive again? I did ask my surgeon if he thought it would be possible for me to have sex again, and he couldn't give me a definite answer. But he said because of the fistula, he very much doubted it would be possible and that it could even be dangerous. I have to say that I felt very cheated by his response and by his attitude. I have never had the chance to have a loving relationship as my ex was very abusive, and I would like to at least have the opportunity to see if it would be physically possible without putting my life at risk in the process. The last smear I had had to be done with the smallest scope they had. After reading all your posts, I think it is time to ask my gynecologist once and for all what my body is capable of. At least I know that I'm not on my own with how I'm feeling, thanks to all of you. xxxxxxxx
Well, speaking to your gynecologist is the right thing to do - because he or she is going to have the expert opinion, not your surgeon or regular doctor. You never know until you try. There are a large number of men in the second half of life that suffer from erectile dysfunction - in fact, it is very common in men with ostomies and/or who have had their rectum removed. But just because one cannot achieve an erection or safely have sex, doesn't mean they can't be intimate. There are all sorts of other pleasures a couple can experience together that don't involve penetration. So please don't feel that because of your ostomy, you are now less attractive and/or if you end up not being able to have full intercourse, that no man is ever going to care about you. You're still the same person on the inside and the outside, except for a medical problem that was beyond your control.
Thanks Jim, it's comforting to know that there are men and women who will understand and empathize with my situation. It's taken so long to be able to just get out of bed and get dressed again that I've even forgotten how to live. I know that probably sounds ridiculous, but it's been a long journey and I didn't think I would ever feel even halfway normal again. But I think I'm getting there slowly but surely. Even little things are big for me. It's nice to know there are people who understand where I'm coming from and have been there too. xxxx
Well, it's a road we all have been down or are on after having to receive an ostomy. I met and talked to people over the past 10 years, a number of them who were happily married before their surgery and still afterwards - but they still suffered the same self-esteem issues that you and I and everyone else in the ostomy community. For many (myself included), the mental recovery and coming to accept our new selves is or was much more difficult to overcome than the physical changes. I had self-esteem issues all my life, so ending up with my ostomy just magnified that. And the way I was able to overcome things was to talk to as many people as I could who also had been through or were going through the same problems I was, and more importantly, start socializing again. It only took being in one relationship and seeing that my partner was not bothered by my ostomy in the least - it let me see that I was the one with the problem, not them! And since that time, with every new lady I had dated and told about it, once I saw that it was not an issue for them, it wasn't for me = )
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Thanks to you all, I appreciate that. I'm well overdue for a smear test, I had one a while back that was abnormal, the next was okay, but I've declined three since. I haven't been to get it checked out yet, but I think I will need to, as it's still happening, not sure where the bleeding is coming from, it was just all over the sheets, but didn't want to 'look' if you know what I mean...xxx
Most likely it is minor inflammation, if you still have some inside issues like pouchitis, but I would say things shifted from surgery mixed with the fact your lady parts have been a little neglected. After 5 years, the hymen is just as it was when you were a virgin, so that could explain the bleeding. I would recommend more foreplay, perhaps more lubricant, or having a slower rhythm. You will gradually stretch out inside and you'll be more comfortable... Don't worry too much.
By the way, have you looked at ostomysecrets.com? They have cute coverings for intimate moments.
I haven't read each post in this thread, but I wanted to share something. I don't know if posting links is permitted in this forum, but I recently joined a site that specializes in dating for people who can't have, don't want to have, sex. If you search "Date 4 Love", you should find it. Or send me a PM and I will send you the link.
It's a pretty new site, but it's a great start for people like me who cannot enjoy sex, don't want to go through the BS of explaining it to a "normal" person, etc, etc.
Hi, my name is Marsha, and after reading your post, I knew I had to write to you... to reassure you that there's a way (despite limitations) to be sexually intimate with a partner again. I've had my ostomy for 50+ years, so I went through the dating routine way back then. I ended up marrying a man with an ostomy also, and we had a satisfying, good sex life, until we divorced after 24 1/2 years due to other issues.
In the last 20 years, I've dated some, but nothing serious, and sometimes years went by without an intimate relationship. I went through my "changes" and noted the changes in my body (vaginal irritation during decreasing periods) and spoke to my doctor about the dryness. She put me on some meds a few years ago... but they didn't agree with me and caused more irritation. Over the last 6 months, I've been in an intimate relationship with a guy who had prostate cancer last year and has had issues of erectile dysfunction. With some medication (for him) and some nice lotions (for us), we have created a really nice and satisfying (but yes... different) relationship. Somehow, it's not all about intercourse and orgasm (which has become difficult for me) but more about meeting our individual emotional and sexual ways that work for us today. When he says mournfully "I used to get so @#", I smile and say... and my boobs used to stand up. It is what it is now... and we're enjoying what we have.
Check with your doctor about the occasional bleeding. I get irritated and bleed easily... as do several of my friends. For some meds or supplements work... for others not. And as I've gotten more comfortable in my relationship... I seem to get "wet again". He teases me because I told him I've been like "sandpaper" inside... Best of luck to you.
Marsha