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Dumped because of ostomy

Posted by Brown eyed girl, on Fri Jun 26, 2015 12:47 am

It has been a LONG time since I was last involved in the dating scene as my marriage of twenty years just imploded. I recently began talking to a young man online who asked for my phone number. I thought that this was probably the right time to reveal the truth about my cancer and ileostomy. He dropped me like a hot potato. Not a word. No phone call, no email, nothing.  Even though it is the reaction I expected, it still stung a bit, you know? My husband was wonderful about my ostomy. Didn't bother him in the least. BUT he was also hot tempered, self centered and emotionally abusive. I had to get kids and myself away. So I think I made the right choice, I guess I just didn't expect to be so lonely at times. Just wondering if this is the experience others have had as far as meeting new people. 

Reply by leah, on Fri Jun 26, 2015 6:58 pm

HI HUN IM SORRY THIS HAPPENED TO YOU

its really not you its his loss, if he could do that before you even met him then hes not woth it, ,and  well done you for having the courage to tell  him,

my hubby left me after my iliostomy too, i  was deverstated, but im stronger now, i miss going out and having a good time with him ,but i dont really miss him ,

dont let this experiance put you off from dateing again. im sure you will meet someone who loves you for you ,im not ready to date yet ,im quite happy as i am at the moment, but i would love to have someone to go out to dinner with and enjoy the good things in life, 

i have to take my daughter and grandchildren on holiday with me now, .i love them to bits but a lovely holiday with just an adult would be nice, 

so chin up keep smileing and try again, all the best to you, leah,x

Reply by Nini79, on Sun Jun 28, 2015 3:22 am

I know exactly how you're feeling as the same thing has happened to me a few times. It feels crappie but better to know now that this is the type of person he is rather than later on when more of your feelings have been invested. I always struggle with when the right time is to tell someone. You don't want to get too close and then it really hurt if they reject you but at the same time it doesn't feel right saying it straight away. Just try keep your head up.... I'm sure the right man will come along for you x

Reply by Brown eyed girl, on Mon Jun 29, 2015 12:11 am

Thank you ladies both so much. One thing I discovered is I don't think I am ready for dating yet. But feel I may be one day.. We had only been in touch a little while and he was the first I even considered since my separation. No big loss really and if he is that shallow, well then I am better off.

I was married for quite some time so the idea of dating at all is scary......but perhaps one day. 

Thank you for the kind words. I appreciate it so much!!!!

Wendy

Reply by Bobbing56, on Mon Jul 06, 2015 1:33 pm

As a member of the male species I apologize for his behavior.  Actually he doesn't deserve that he not only hass an a**hole he is one.  I've only recently begun the whole online dating site approach (married 23 years and she was supportive about the medical issues), divorced for 11 years so I hadn't dated since the early Eighties!  My ostomy came up on a first date only because I had a revision/resiting this April we didn't have a second date and I don't know if it was the reason but it was a pleasant time with no "spark" for me and that's what she said. 

 

Three, "Meet & Greet" dates and one has resulted in a second and she was understanding about cutting it short due to post op stuff and wants a third.  That date is when I will get specific since she knows about the surgery and I had to shorten a date.  At 58 a lot of people have issues physically so the discussion won't be as shocking as it might with a younger person.

 

I hope you try again.  You might browse Face Book and search under ostomy or ostomy date as there are groups ranging from a hundred poeple to over a thousand and you might be able to see what approaches others use.  I'm new here so I haven't searched but there must be a thread(s) on, "when to have The Talk".

 

Gabh an latha,

Richard

Reply by Joe43, on Mon Jul 06, 2015 1:40 pm

lol foolish people that are so damn ignorant !  Don't you worry they will get dumped someday day too and will be floored by it.   I don't get it !  Its a pouch folks !  If a person wore a shirt the whole time no body would even notice.

Reply by gixer750, on Tue Jul 07, 2015 5:33 pm

Not worth thinking about him then us there  your beautiful

Reply by swede588, on Tue Jul 07, 2015 5:45 pm

Look at this way, He saved you a lot of trouble, if the ostomy bag was that important  to him he didn't  want you to know the real you and that is his lose. I'm 71 and back dating I try to be honest and tell them right up front   that I had cancer and ostomy bag.. Just hang in there the right one will come along....

Past Member
Reply by Past Member, on Tue Jul 07, 2015 10:03 pm

I guess it's already been said, if they are not willing or able to accet you for who yo are, then they do not deserve you. 

Even within the "community", there are those that accept you and those that do not.I dated a woman with an ostomy and things ended horribly. Not because of the ostomy, but because we just didn't work. 

Keep your head up. Only choose the man that will accept you for who you are, and you will be fine.

 

Reply by Redondo, on Tue Jul 07, 2015 11:50 pm

In my opinion, the ostomy is a good way to weed out the bad ones. I liked Bobbing56' comments. He made me laugh.

I have had my ostomy for 40 years. I was newly married when I first got it and my husband and I stayed together for 15 yrs after. I dated after that and remarried. Unfortunately that one didn't take either but not because of the ostomy.

I have now been with the same man for the last 13 years and so far so good.

Sometimes, I think its a matter of when you tell them. It's kind of like the 3 date rule before you get intimate with anyone. Let them get to know you a little to see how wonderful you are. Get to know them to see if they are worth telling. Then see where it goes from there. If they are still interested, they are a keeper.

You look like a beautiful woman and you should have no problem when the right one comes along.

Don't let the ostomy hold you back when you feel the time is right to try again.

Reply by mrbreezeet1, on Tue Jul 07, 2015 11:52 pm
gixer750 wrote:

Not worth thinking about him then us there  your beautiful


I would go out with you.

Reply by Joe43, on Wed Jul 08, 2015 2:08 am

After you told them that you have that make sure they tell you what they have !  LOL no one is without something and nobody is perfect ! 

Reply by Immarsh, on Wed Jul 08, 2015 7:09 am

Hi Brown Eyed Girl, ladies &   "Gents".    I probably have my ileostomy the longest ( 50 plus years) and it was difficult the first time around when I was a teen.  But then I married young, and the guy had an osotmy ( that's how we met).   Beleive me when I tell you, that's not what kept us together as long as it did.  We divorced after 24 1/2 years.  So for the last 20, I'v been dating again.   I know now, that there is an "opertune" time to tell ...and not to tell.   But there's no guarantees either way.   Instead of worrying about His ( or her) reaction, go out a few times to see if this is really a person you can, and want to trust.  I had a third date with a guy, who was very heavy, and had issues of his own, yet when I told him "casually", at lunch.   He, stopped eating, said he had to leave...and that was the end of that.   Other guys have been less, shall we say....impulsive.   I went out twice with a guy with whom I'd been chatting on line, and we hit it off immediately...   But when we started to get a bit Intimate....I thought it was time to tell him.   It didn't seem to be a problem "intellectually", but when I gurgled.....he was startled.  And yes...that was "the end".   Sigh...that one hurt....he was really nice,  funny generous, kind, and we shared many interests.   But if it wasn't right for him...then it wasn't right for me. 

Don't lose heart "ladies".   For as many as there were who couldn't handle the ostomy, there were those for whom it wasn't an issue.   You really have to trust yourself, have pride in yourself......   Remember back when we were "teens" and wondered WHY we couldn't attract the guy we wanted.  We blamed our hair, or a zit, or our teeth, or our weight....   In the end it really didn't matter.   I've come to the conclusion we may have to "kiss a lot of frogs  ( or froggetts) before we find the prince/ princess.  

For people who love to travel....I've travelled extensively, with other women friends, on tours,  and sometimes went on tours alone ( and got a roommate so I didn't have to spend the single supplement.   Those ladies knew nothing of my ostomy.  They had enough to know, with my sleep apnea machine, and my diabetes.  Didn't want to hit them with "everything".  If you're not ready to date, then  finding a new group of friends ( singles) will help you  get "social again".   I wasn't a big fan of singles events and dances, but when we went as a group, it was a lot of fun.    I'm 66 now, and still "dating" & looking.  Not giving up hope. 

 

 

Past Member
Reply by Past Member, on Wed Jul 08, 2015 2:58 pm

I love Richard's Gaelic for "seize the day"!  I wrote earlier about what my three guys responded to "The Talk": #1 said, "I'm sooo sorry this happened to you, but we can still be friends." #2. "My best friend is an oatomate, so no problem!"  #3.  "What's THAT got to do with your vigina?  I'll see you Tuesday."

Ruadh gu brath!

Sandy

Reply by vanessa1970, on Fri Jul 10, 2015 6:22 am

Dear Brown Eyed Girl,

 

You are young and pretty. I have no doubt that you can find a girl or guy to date. I've been married a long time and just started back into the dating scene so my experiences might be unique.....well I'm sure they are.

 

I think telling somebody that you have never met face to face is a big mistake. Just try dating. There is no reason to share something so intimate having not even dated a few times. The person that you shared this with really barely knew you and you layed this on him. I would have waited for at least a few dates.Sometimes dating is just dating. What you really need is a few guys just to hang out with. You will increase your odds of finding somebody that really doesnt mind.

 

A couple months ago I had some specially made corsetts that hide my ileostomy completely. 

Have confidence. Have a strategy and some realistic goals around just spending time with your dates. And be upbeat. Life is much too short...so live.

 

 



Last edited by vanessa1970 on Fri Aug 14, 2015 5:10 am; edited 1 time in total
Reply by gerardf1000, on Fri Jul 10, 2015 12:45 pm

Hi there, I think Vanessa's right.  It is better for someone to get to know the "real you" before you tell them...I mean those important things like personality, sense of humour etc.  Once they have discovered the person for who you are, then it will be easier to tell them about your stoma etc with less chance of rejection.  Also it is important to remember, that, the fact that you have battled through and survived major illness proves that you can face up to life (and all it can throw at you) and this can be an attactive feature to a potential partner (as I have discovered in the past).

Gerard  

Reply by sunasea, on Sun Jul 12, 2015 3:27 pm

Write Anytime; I feel your  pain.  It will get better, you seem sweet, sincere, and you look nice.  Take care.

Reply by Brown eyed girl, on Thu Jul 23, 2015 6:58 pm

Thanks so much for all of these wonderful responses!  I haven't been online for a while so am just now reading them. Some very sage advice there  and I thank you all for taking the time to write and reply with your personal experiences. Perhaps one day I will venture out again. It right now I think I am best hanging with my ostomy friends!! Thanks again!!!

Reply by sunasea, on Thu Jul 23, 2015 11:25 pm

write me at

Reply by luv2day, on Fri Jul 24, 2015 4:29 pm

Hi! Wondering if you'd like to be friends. Your posts are very therapeutic and interesting. Hope you're having an amazing day.

 

Reply by sunasea, on Fri Jul 24, 2015 6:55 pm

Who is this lol?  The one who asked to be friends - Sure I'd be freinds with just about anyone.  Thanks for writing.

Reply by Brown eyed girl, on Fri Jul 24, 2015 11:11 pm

Hi Tom,

 

Thanks for contact but admin wouldn't let your email address through.  I'd love to contact you. I am not a full member yet but may do that sometime.

Thanks for writing,

Wendy

Reply by luv2day, on Sat Jul 25, 2015 10:53 am

Good morning. My name is Rene aka luv2day. Hope your day is off to a great start. I have a new hobby. Painting with oils. That's what I will be doing for most of the morning. I will check back and hopefully we can chit chat. Have a great day.

Rene, luv2day

Reply by charleston guy, on Sat Jul 25, 2015 3:13 pm

Hi Rene,

Charleston guy here. Would love chat sometime if you want too. 

Reply by luv2day, on Sat Jul 25, 2015 8:27 pm

Yes we should chat. Not really sure how we do this, but tomorrow works. Hope you have a nice evening.

Rene

Reply by charleston guy, on Sat Jul 25, 2015 10:12 pm

Hi Rene,

That's great. Tomorrow works for me too.

Reply by luv2day, on Sat Jul 25, 2015 10:41 pm

I will be on here at noon my time, 3:00 your time. If you need to modify the time, just let me know. I'm pretty flexible!!! 

vpl
Reply by vpl, on Sun Jul 26, 2015 6:48 am
It’s not just partners that dump you when told about an ostomy. I had the same hairdresser for years until after I had my op. When I returned to the salon she asked me how my op had gone – at this point she didn’t know what the op was for, I told her and her response was one of horror followed by lots of whispering in the back room among the staff.   The next time I phoned to make an appointment for any day the following week 'no one was available' even though it wasn’t the business of salons.   I took my custom elsewhere – their loss.
Reply by luv2day, on Sun Jul 26, 2015 11:36 am

You're right, it's their loss and that hairdresser is in for a rude awakening with that pathetic attitude. Glad you moved on. No one deserves to be treated with such disrespect. I think you're wonderful just the way you are. Have a blessed day my friend.

Rene aka luv2day

Reply by sunasea, on Sun Jul 26, 2015 11:55 pm

Hi Brown eyed Girl :)  this is Tom, thank you for writing, sorry we can't connect; perhaps there is another way :)

Any ideas?

 

 

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