Explaining My Ileostomy to Young Kids

I'm a mother of a 5 and 6-year-old, and I got my ileostomy two years ago. They are starting to wonder why mommy goes to poop in a bag. I don't know how I would tell them or if I should show them my stoma because I think they would get scared. I tell them mama needs a bag because my body doesn't work right and I have a disease, but then my 6-year-old asked how the poop comes out. All I say is, "It's confusing now, and I'll tell you when you're older." My 5-year-old even said, "I don't like how you go poop." It made me cry, even though I know she wasn't being malicious. My husband hasn't even seen my stoma. I just don't know how to go about telling them or if I should even show them the stoma. What do other people do?

Kids learn from show and tell. Kids learn more in life from the age of zero to five. Now is the time to tell them, oh, and don't forget your husband. Two years and you haven't told them is doing more harm; tell them, do it now.

Regards, IGGIE

Just tell them you have a front butt.

Keep it light. Mommy has a special opening in her tummy to poop. They may ask why; tell them you had an accident or a disease, and the change made Mommy healthy and happy. They will ask more questions later.

My husband never saw my stoma either. Showing someone your butt hole is not usual. I never saw his butt hole either.

My children saw my bag only.

Maried has the right approach. The more you normalize it, the easier it will be for them.

My Ostomy Journey: Bruce | Hollister

Kids are normally the easiest ones to accept stomas; just keep it simple: Mommy had a poorly tummy, now I poop in a bag, and I'm well again. Their first words are usually "yuck," then they laugh their heads off about it for 2 minutes and just think of it as a normal everyday thing, as it is. Don't be surprised if they tell all their friends, "Mommy poops in a bag," if anything like the kids I know, lol. I've never shown anyone my stoma except doctors and nurses and the photos that used to be in ostomy journals, lol, but it's just doing whatever you feel is right.

I had the same concerns about telling my 6-year-old granddaughter. She knew I had a bag, that I farted (loudly, as she always tells me), and that I poo in the bag. Well, one day while I was in the bathroom, I happened to have my shirt above the top of my bag, and she opened the door to ask me something and stopped cold, "Mimi, what is that?" Well, I had no choice but to show and tell her, and she was having a sleepover that night, so I told her in the morning I needed to shower and change my "system," and if she would like to see, I would call her when I was ready. I let her ask all the questions she wanted, and she was really okay with things. Very curious, as children are. I tried to keep explanations to questions as truthful as I could for her to understand.

I think a large part of it is how accepting we are of our stomas. It was a really rough couple of weeks at the beginning for me, and if that had happened then, there is no way I would have been that open about things with her, and I know she would have felt my fear that I had in the beginning. (The first few weeks, my husband had to help me with my changes as I just couldn't handle it on my own mentally. Now, I do things all on my own.)

The more we pathologize it, the more freaked-out children and lovers will be.
If it's normalized in our own minds, it will be in theirs. “No big deal” is not a big deal.
Thousands and thousands of ostomies are surgically performed daily. Why would I be embarrassed of my stoma when we see such rudeness that some people show no shame over?

Hey there,

I have a colostomy with a stoma and bag. I'm also a psychotherapist by profession and work with children. I would be very honest with your children and describe to the best of your ability how it works in terms they can understand. Trying to withhold information will only make their curiosity grow and if you continue to evade, they will eventually believe there are certain things they can't speak to you about. My partner has not seen my stoma either and I prefer it that way. After all, if we didn't sexualize our buttholes, we probably wouldn't be showing those off either! I would talk to your kids about why you need an ostomy to survive and how it makes your life livable...what would happen if you didn't have an ostomy. Explain the necessity behind it and express how important it is for you to maintain your health. You can identify with your little one by telling her you would prefer not to poop in a bag if you could, but that you don't have the option and that it helps you be able to be a healthy mom for him or her. I don't know that I would show them your stoma. I have three kids and none of them have ever seen mine, though they have seen my bag and they know that's how I poop. I find my stoma deeply personal. These can be such difficult topics to tackle, but I think you're doing an amazing job just seeking information and trying to understand how to best address it!