It's currently the beginning of week 11 of my 13 week uni semester, after which I have final exams. I've been feeling a bit down here and there throughout the course of the semester, but moreso recently. Though I've been at uni for 11 weeks now, I haven't made any friends. I know some people from school who I bump into every now and then, but I don't have any actual close friends at uni. I've got friends outside of uni from school, but they are at different universities studying different things, though I still catch up with them frequently. I've been feeling quite lonely recently. I know why I haven't made any friends, and it's 10 me being a quiet person and 90 the two bags that I have to wear all day everyday shooting me down mentally whenever I start chatting with someone new. It's like there's a mental blockade that I can't get past because of these bags, which I'm sure many of you have experienced before. I think it's a subconscious fear of what people will think if they find out, or how/if I will tell them.
I've been watching Scrubs again recently. As silly as it sounds, it's the thing that made me want to study medicine when I watched it when I was about 12 years old. In a particular episode, the main character sums up how I've been feeling very well: "Because nothing sucks more than feeling all alone, no matter how many people are around."
While I've had so much support over the last six months, I've always felt very much alone with everything. I don't know why. I think it's because I don't really have any close friends that want to openly discuss any of it, other than family. I'm having my J-pouch surgery in a month and a half, and I'm hoping that not having two bags attached to me will mostly remove the mental blockade.
Have any of you felt similar? It has been very difficult going through this at 18 years old. People expect me to be out having fun, but I really don't feel like I can. I always seem to stop myself from doing things.
Sorry for such a depressing post, but thanks for reading and thanks for any input.