It has been a long time since I was last involved in the dating scene as my marriage of twenty years just imploded. I recently began talking to a young man online who asked for my phone number. I thought that this was probably the right time to reveal the truth about my cancer and ileostomy. He dropped me like a hot potato. Not a word. No phone call, no email, nothing. Even though it is the reaction I expected, it still stung a bit, you know? My husband was wonderful about my ostomy. Didn't bother him in the least. But he was also hot-tempered, self-centered, and emotionally abusive. I had to get kids and myself away. So I think I made the right choice, I guess I just didn't expect to be so lonely at times. Just wondering if this is the experience others have had as far as meeting new people.
Hi hun, I'm sorry this happened to you.
It's really not you, it's his loss. If he could do that before you even met him, then he's not worth it. Well done you for having the courage to tell him.
My hubby left me after my ileostomy too. I was devastated, but I'm stronger now. I miss going out and having a good time with him, but I don't really miss him.
Don't let this experience put you off from dating again. I'm sure you will meet someone who loves you for you. I'm not ready to date yet, I'm quite happy as I am at the moment, but I would love to have someone to go out to dinner with and enjoy the good things in life.
I have to take my daughter and grandchildren on holiday with me now. I love them to bits, but a lovely holiday with just an adult would be nice.
So chin up, keep smiling, and try again. All the best to you, Leah, x
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Hi Deb,
As you can see, the outpouring of love and support from this website will help you to find the strength to lift yourself up and out of your current emotional situation. I am lucky to have my husband by my side through all of this, so I will not even pretend to know how you feel and what you're going through alone. I do know that I have great friends on this site and in my life that have been by my side, and hopefully you have many by your side as well. You do have a lot of new friends here. Please feel free to talk through anything that is on your mind. We all go through a confidence deficit when we go through an ostomy surgery. Our body has been marred and your mind feels that way sometimes too. It is tough to move on, but you will. You will be stronger once you realize that you are still the beautiful woman you were prior to your surgery. Hopefully, you can reach out to a local support group and find some additional friends in your same situation. It always helps to have a sounding board wherever you find it!
Puppyluv
I know exactly how you're feeling as the same thing has happened to me a few times. It feels crappy but better to know now that this is the type of person he is rather than later on when more of your feelings have been invested. I always struggle with when the right time is to tell someone. You don't want to get too close and then it really hurts if they reject you but at the same time it doesn't feel right saying it straight away. Just try to keep your head up.... I'm sure the right man will come along for you x
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Thank you ladies both so much. One thing I discovered is I don't think I am ready for dating yet. But I feel I may be one day.. We had only been in touch a little while and he was the first I even considered since my separation. No big loss really and if he is that shallow, well then I am better off.
I was married for quite some time so the idea of dating at all is scary......but perhaps one day.
Thank you for the kind words. I appreciate it so much!!!!
Wendy
As a member of the male species, I apologize for his behavior. Actually, he doesn't deserve that. He not only has an asshole, he is one. I've only recently begun the whole online dating site approach (married 23 years and she was supportive about the medical issues), divorced for 11 years, so I hadn't dated since the early Eighties! My ostomy came up on a first date only because I had a revision/resiting this April. We didn't have a second date, and I don't know if it was the reason, but it was a pleasant time with no "spark" for me, and that's what she said.
Three "Meet & Greet" dates, and one has resulted in a second, and she was understanding about cutting it short due to post-op stuff and wants a third. That date is when I will get specific since she knows about the surgery and I had to shorten a date. At 58, a lot of people have issues physically, so the discussion won't be as shocking as it might with a younger person.
I hope you try again. You might browse Facebook and search under ostomy or ostomy date as there are groups ranging from a hundred people to over a thousand, and you might be able to see what approaches others use. I'm new here, so I haven't searched, but there must be a thread(s) on "when to have The Talk".
Gabh an latha,
Richard
My Ostomy Journey: Keyla | Hollister
Lol, foolish people that are so damn ignorant! Don't you worry, they will get dumped someday too and will be floored by it. I don't get it! It's a pouch, folks! If a person wore a shirt the whole time, nobody would even notice.
Look at it this way, he saved you a lot of trouble. If the ostomy bag was that important to him, he didn't want you to know the real you and that is his loss. I'm 71 and back dating, I try to be honest and tell them right up front that I had cancer and an ostomy bag. Just hang in there, the right one will come along....
I guess it's already been said, if they are not willing or able to accept you for who you are, then they do not deserve you.
Even within the "community", there are those that accept you and those that do not. I dated a woman with an ostomy and things ended horribly. Not because of the ostomy, but because we just didn't work.
Keep your head up. Only choose the man that will accept you for who you are, and you will be fine.
In my opinion, the ostomy is a good way to weed out the bad ones. I liked Bobbing56's comments. He made me laugh.
I have had my ostomy for 40 years. I was newly married when I first got it and my husband and I stayed together for 15 years after. I dated after that and remarried. Unfortunately, that one didn't take either but not because of the ostomy.
I have now been with the same man for the last 13 years and so far so good.
Sometimes, I think it's a matter of when you tell them. It's kind of like the 3 date rule before you get intimate with anyone. Let them get to know you a little to see how wonderful you are. Get to know them to see if they are worth telling. Then see where it goes from there. If they are still interested, they are a keeper.
You look like a beautiful woman and you should have no problem when the right one comes along.
Don't let the ostomy hold you back when you feel the time is right to try again.
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After you told them that, make sure they tell you what they have! LOL, no one is without something and nobody is perfect!
Hi Brown Eyed Girl, ladies & "Gents". I probably have my ileostomy the longest (50 plus years) and it was difficult the first time around when I was a teen. But then I married young, and the guy had an ostomy (that's how we met). Believe me when I tell you, that's not what kept us together as long as it did. We divorced after 24 1/2 years. So for the last 20, I've been dating again. I know now, that there is an "opportune" time to tell...and not to tell. But there's no guarantees either way. Instead of worrying about his (or her) reaction, go out a few times to see if this is really a person you can, and want to trust. I had a third date with a guy, who was very heavy, and had issues of his own, yet when I told him "casually", at lunch. He stopped eating, said he had to leave...and that was the end of that. Other guys have been less, shall we say...impulsive. I went out twice with a guy with whom I'd been chatting online, and we hit it off immediately...But when we started to get a bit intimate...I thought it was time to tell him. It didn't seem to be a problem "intellectually", but when I gurgled...he was startled. And yes...that was "the end". Sigh...that one hurt...he was really nice, funny, generous, kind, and we shared many interests. But if it wasn't right for him...then it wasn't right for me.
Don't lose heart "ladies". For as many as there were who couldn't handle the ostomy, there were those for whom it wasn't an issue. You really have to trust yourself, have pride in yourself...Remember back when we were "teens" and wondered WHY we couldn't attract the guy we wanted. We blamed our hair, or a zit, or our teeth, or our weight...In the end it really didn't matter. I've come to the conclusion we may have to "kiss a lot of frogs (or froggetts) before we find the prince/princess.
For people who love to travel...I've traveled extensively, with other women friends, on tours, and sometimes went on tours alone (and got a roommate so I didn't have to spend the single supplement. Those ladies knew nothing of my ostomy. They had enough to know, with my sleep apnea machine, and my diabetes. Didn't want to hit them with "everything". If you're not ready to date, then finding a new group of friends (singles) will help you get "social again". I wasn't a big fan of singles events and dances, but when we went as a group, it was a lot of fun. I'm 66 now, and still "dating" looking. Not giving up hope.
I love Richard's Gaelic for "seize the day"! I wrote earlier about what my three guys responded to "The Talk": #1 said, "I'm sooo sorry this happened to you, but we can still be friends." #2. "My best friend is an oatomate, so no problem!" #3. "What's THAT got to do with your vagina? I'll see you Tuesday."
Ruadh gu brath!
Sandy
Hi there, I think Vanessa's right. It is better for someone to get to know the "real you" before you tell them...I mean those important things like personality, sense of humor, etc. Once they have discovered the person for who you are, then it will be easier to tell them about your stoma, etc., with less chance of rejection. Also, it is important to remember that the fact that you have battled through and survived major illness proves that you can face up to life (and all it can throw at you), and this can be an attractive feature to a potential partner (as I have discovered in the past).
Gerard
Write anytime; I feel your pain. It will get better, you seem sweet, sincere, and you look nice. Take care.
Thanks so much for all of these wonderful responses! I haven't been online for a while, so I am just now reading them. Some very sage advice there, and I thank you all for taking the time to write and reply with your personal experiences. Perhaps one day I will venture out again, but right now I think I am best hanging with my ostomy friends!! Thanks again!!!
Who is this lol? The one who asked to be friends - Sure I'd be friends with just about anyone. Thanks for writing.
Hi Tom,
Thanks for contacting me, but the admin wouldn't let your email address through. I'd love to contact you. I am not a full member yet, but I may do that sometime.
Thanks for writing,
Wendy
Hi Rene,
Charleston guy here. Would love to chat sometime if you want to.
It's not just partners that dump you when told about an ostomy. I had the same hairdresser for years until after I had my op. When I returned to the salon, she asked me how my op had gone - at this point, she didn't know what the op was for. I told her, and her response was one of horror followed by lots of whispering in the back room among the staff.
The next time I phoned to make an appointment for any day the following week, 'no one was available' even though it wasn't the business of salons.
I took my custom elsewhere - their loss.
Hi Brown eyed Girl :) This is Tom, thank you for writing, sorry we can't connect; perhaps there is another way :)
Any ideas?
Hi again, perhaps we may meet up online; maybe we can pick a time - say tomorrow at 5 PM Central Standard Time?
Hi Nini79,
I'm just 7 weeks post-op and have been thinking about dating again. And yeah, when is the right time to tell your date? I can see both sides of the fence on this one. I'm 55 and have had a quad heart bypass before my APR. I would like to think the mature/older the person, the easier the choice of disclosure would be. I also think acceptance would be more difficult for males than females. Anyway, if you figure it out, let me know!
Sorry I missed you; been hiking, mountain climbing, and running in Coeur D'Alene ID without internet for the past three weeks. Hope all is well. Self-confidence is the key and more so, I believe you create your own reality, ok?
Sincerely,
Tom
Hey Wendy,
Sorry for being so late posting here, this is the first time I've seen it. I'm sorry for what you went through. I kinda went through something similar. After my initial surgery and extended hospital stay, my ex, who had previously left, sent me divorce papers. I, being upset with what all went down, held out to make her mad. Anyway, I came to my senses and went ahead and granted her the divorce.
But as for dating, it's been since 2008, and I'm still not dating. I guess I can't get around the fact of crapping in my lap and asking a woman to go out....lol. I get lonely at times, wishing I had someone to carry on with and have fun with, but I'm just too used to doing it this way, I suppose. Maybe there's a little fear of rejection because of the bag...
I don't know, maybe one day I'll figure it out. How are you doing nowadays with dating? Has it gotten any better? I need some hope...lol!
Hope all is well here! Have a good day, folks!
Lewis