When To Disclose My Condition While Dating?

malcie67 · 2011-10-29T00:50:41-04:00

Hi to everyone on the site (this is my first post) a newbie so to speak.Never done this before and feeling a bit indifferent doing it, although needs must I suppose, and you guys know the issues and have been through similar, and hopefully have some good suggestions.I have not properly dated since I was diagnosed and subsequently had my surgery. I am now three years post-op and even though to date I have not been too bothered, I am really starting to miss the comforts of having someone close to share my life's ups and downs with.It is so frustrating that my confidence is at an all-time low and how and when should I approach the subject of my condition? I am not unwell and do not class myself as anything other than fit and healthy. But the problem exists nevertheless.I have joined a dating site and had some success in terms of dates until I mention my condition... So when should I tell them? Date 1, 2, 3? I have tried all but still single..I have joined this site to seek advice and maybe more, but I am still unsure it will work out.Any advice will be gratefully received.

sunnydisposition.

Jan 10, 2012 11:22 am

Hi, I really felt for you when I read your post. It was the same for me when I did internet dating. One chap came back for coffee on the 3rd date and used my loo. I was really keen on him, but he opened my cupboard which had all my supplies in it as he finished all my loo roll. When he came out after quite some time, I asked him if he was alright. He said, "Yes, I am alright, but are you?" I never heard from him again.

I started to date people exclusively with medical backgrounds, and that is where I found the acceptance. In fact, when I told them I had bowel cancer, 2 chaps asked me if I had a stoma and were fine about it.

Those dates did not work out for other reasons.

I had my reversal 54 days ago now, and I am nearly back to normal. I will always have the scars, which are quite impressive, and that is now something else that I will need to worry about. But hey! Who is perfect?

Sunny x

chrswlhlm

Jan 18, 2012 8:12 pm

I got dumped less than a week before my surgery. As one astute poster previously observed, there are superficial narcissistic ego-driven losers. This being noted, if we put ourselves out there, probability dictates we'll meet some of them. My surgery was Dec. 1. My old girlfriend started calling me three weeks ago. I signed up here less than a week ago, and I'm sure I'll meet more like Ana. And more than likely, I'll meet some truly wonderful women as well. I know you're out there.

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Posted by: GoinWithTheFlow

Hubz had a regular checkup with the oncologist on Friday (his numbers are improving), and as they were asking how he's feeling since surgery, they became curious about how he's doing so well with his ostomy, both physically and mentally. He credited doing research online, trying different things, and especially the support from this group. They were asking because they see so many patients struggling to adjust.

We described this group as folks with every kind of ostomy, some for days while others for decades, but all willing to share what's worked for them with the caveat that every individual is different.

We described the most valuable element as feeling like you're not alone in this. That really piqued their interest, and they wrote down the link. It seems they had a few people in mind that might benefit from the community and thanked us for telling them about it.

You know, we can't remember exactly who we learned about this group from, but we're grateful for it every day! Thank you all! 🌻

sherrybear

Feb 15, 2012 3:13 am

Hello Malicie67, I'm in your shoes. I do believe I've had my colostomy for 2 years this month. Now that I'm thinking, it will be the 18th. Time flies. But I'm like you, I can't date because I don't know how to tell the person if we should end up together, close, that I wear a bag. I do think it would be a turn off, but on the other hand, I got to believe that the only thing different is that we go in a bag and they get to sit down. Hahahaahah, I have a lot of different things to put over my bag that are pretty and you can't see the bag when I put them on, but no one sees them but me. I'm ready to tell some people because I do think that we are special people and that if others can't see us for who we are, then I guess they can really kiss my a.... or my bag lololo. I hope I do find a nice guy that will accept me for me, because I'm a good person, a lot of fun, love to talk, and a good listener. So it has been good talking to you. I hope you answer. I would love to chat with you. Till then, Malcie67, you be careful and safe. BYE, Sharon.

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sherrybear

Feb 15, 2012 3:20 am

HELLO CHRSWLHLM, I HOPE I SPELLED THAT RIGHT. SORRY ABOUT ANNA IF THAT IS HER NAME, YOU WILL MEET A LOT OF NICE WOMEN ON HERE, AND MAYBE YOUR DATE!!!!! SO DON'T GIVE UP. I'M STILL LOOKING AND HOPING TO FIND SOMEONE. SO BE GOOD AND CAREFUL, WRITE BACK IF YOU WOULD LIKE, WOULD LOVE TO HEAR FROM YOU. Sharon

Franicaa

Feb 15, 2012 3:41 am

It can happen!! I told this guy about my bag like when I met him and he asked me out on a date after! I showed him the bag on me, I showed him bags that weren't used yet and I answered any and all of his questions. When I told him about the bag he wasn't put off but he didn't really understand it, but when I showed him the bag he looked at it and said "That's it? That's what the fuss is about? Really? You honestly thought THAT would put me off you? Well it's going to take much much more than that little thing to put me off!"
He asked me out and now he's my boyfriend.
He said to me "It's just you and me. Always. You and me, and our little friend... I'll have to give it a nickname" meaning my stoma lol.

So it CAN and it DOES happen!! You just gotta meet the loveliest person to show you that.

My Ostomy Journey: Bruce | Hollister

gordonc

Aug 07, 2013 4:45 pm

Hi Franicca, just read your post regarding your new boyfriend, that's great news that he is understanding and loves you for what you are, bag and all! Hope you have a long happy relationship with him.

Gordon

Xerxes

Aug 08, 2013 12:04 am

Franicaa,

Now that is a lovely story.

X_

Bill

Aug 08, 2013 7:18 am

Hello franicaa. I really enjoyed reading your post. However, I think there was a big thing missing. It's surely not just you and you ostomy but your great big personality that has attracted your man. Best wishes Bill

When to disclose my condition while dating?

My Ostomy Journey: Bruce | Hollister