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41,403 members
Oct 29, 2011

When to disclose my condition while dating?

The topic at hand is about navigating the dating world when you have an ostomy. It can be challenging to decide when and how to disclose this personal detail to a potential partner. Here are some insights and advice to help make this process a bit smoother:

1. There isn't a single "right" time to disclose your ostomy. It's best to share this information before becoming intimate but after you've both had a chance to get to know each other a little. This way, it doesn't feel like you're hiding anything, but you're also not leading with it.

2. Think of your ostomy like any other personal detail, such as baldness or scars. If someone loses interest after you mention it, they probably weren't the right match for you anyway. In a way, your ostomy can help you quickly identify who is genuinely interested in you as a person.

3. Your confidence and attitude can greatly influence how the other person reacts. Present your ostomy as a life-saving surgery that allows you to stay healthy. Talk about it matter-of-factly, answer any questions they might have, and even show the pouch if it helps demystify it.

4. Consider these practical strategies for disclosure:
- Wait for a natural moment in the conversation, such as when discussing health or personal challenges.
- Introduce it by saying, "I’d like to share something personal once we’re comfortable—nothing serious, just different."
- Some people start by mentioning it as a "body-image issue" before explaining further.
- Others find it helpful to show the pouch first, which can often reduce any fear or misunderstanding.

5. When dating online, it's wise to build some real-world interaction before sharing deeply personal information. Be cautious of people who express instant love but never plan to meet in person.

6. Remember, rejection is a part of dating for everyone, not just those with an ostomy. Relationships can end for many reasons, so don't assume every breakup is because of your pouch. One person shared that although they felt devastated after being rejected, they realized the honesty saved them from further hurt.

7. There are many success stories out there. Some people have found long-term partners or even married after their surgery. One person’s partner affectionately referred to their stoma as "our little friend," while another felt relieved to learn about the ileostomy, having feared worse news. The consistent message is that the right partner will see the ostomy as a minor detail and appreciate the person wearing it.

8. Keep your self-esteem high. Everyone has their own "baggage," and yours just happens to be visible. Consider joining support communities or dating people with medical backgrounds if that feels more comfortable. Don't let one negative experience deter you from trying again; each new date is a fresh opportunity.
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