Thought I would never say I miss having sex!

I haven't met anyone that has an ostomy and an ileostomy. If you are out there, please let me know. I had my vagina reconstructed. I have a flap that was made from my leg skin. It all grew up because I didn't exercise it. So I had to have another surgery to reopen the vagina opening. Of course, it's not the same. It is hard (but remember it is from my leg). And my husband said it hurts him and is very uncomfortable for him. It is all numb to me; I can't feel anything. So needless to say, we have only done it (sex) twice since my surgery in '08. And I think from years back, I would never want to have sex again. One of those things people take for granted... My husband said it's okay with him, but we are starting to have issues around our house. I am 45 years old, and he is 52 years old. I hope that this will all be okay. Please just all say a prayer for me.

Here, at least you have someone there to be on your side, so you get to learn new ways of having fun. I just can't wait for that day again. It's been long enough to say I am a virgin, lol. I also live in a small town compared to most people who are in big cities, so finding girls that don't mind the pouch is far and few.

I think we are similar. I had my vagina removed and a new one made using the hamstring muscles in my legs. I have had no occasion to try it out as my then-boyfriend left me. I have a fistula that currently uses it to drain out stuff. Guess someone is using it! I also had no rectum, just a flap. I think my new vagina is a lot like the real one, or so they tell me. I still have my clitoris, which is where the feeling has always been anyway. Guess I may use it someday, or not. I will stay a virgin until that time. I probably should have stayed one anyway, and I wouldn't have gotten cervical cancer. Sorry you are having such trouble; it is bad enough contending with the bags, but the other adds to the misery. Good luck to you; hope your husband stays patient. I never had one that did. Jeanie in Georgia

Hi Texas girl
I have never had the surgery that you have gone through; all I can say is that nerve endings take several years to heal completely. I think this may play a major part in your healing process.
You know, I am sure of all the benefits of lubricants such as K.Y. jelly and other methods of pleasuring one another.
Be patient, my love. Enjoy each other's love; it's a learning process, and remember, it never has to be penetrative until you are healed!!
I expect that the administrator will delete this!
Love each other and enjoy the intimacy that you can indeed achieve. You will heal; your love will be even greater.
Don't expect too much too soon. Just hug him and he you, have fun, and don't think that for one moment he will reject you.
Enjoy the skin-to-skin love, and the rest will eventually follow; that's the best part of true intimacy.
My love to you both,
Tippitop

I am not at all 'religious,' but I hope I would be called spiritual in some way - your prayer has been said to whoever/whatever is there... my story is vaguely similar, and each time I have surgery, I am never sure if I will be able to tolerate having sex again as I have been so messed about down there - fortunately, so far so good, but I still have a recto-vaginal fistula, so it ain't all roses. Try to see if a different position with some KY will help him be more comfortable... I am not sure that men see 'not having sex' as being 'okay,' especially as you are starting to have 'issues' - let's put it this way, mine obviously didn't think it was okay despite telling me it was - he invited someone to MY house the day I was lying in theater having spinal surgery... he was ousted shortly afterwards for something different, and I found that out afterwards... good luck, I really do hope it does turn out fine. Rachel xx

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It sounds like we are very similar. I am so sorry that your boyfriend left you; that must have been really hard to take. My husband has been very wonderful through all of this; it's just the sex thing now. I do still have my clitoris, and I probably could enjoy some if and when we ever learn just how to do that. So do you still have your bladder? They took mine but made me a new one with my intestines. So I have to catheterize about every 3 to 4 hours. I don't wear a bag for my urine. I am glad to find someone that knows a little bit of what I am going through. Thanks for the reply. Your friend Tammie

Hi texasgirl

When I had my stoma created, my husband also decided to leave me because I was still too sick and was now DIFFERENT! I don't miss sex much, but the intimacy side of things I do. I am still single and, in a way, liking it very much, but as I said before, I miss the holding hands, kissing, and intimacy, even if there was no penetration. There are other ways of pleasing your partner; I am sure you know.

I could say don't worry, it will work out, but that is purely up to the people involved. I am not a religious type of person, but I hope your marriage lasts and you find pleasure in each other again.

Don't let the situation be a sore point; that is what happens too many times... I know I am only young, but after what happened to me, I can only hope it doesn't happen to others.

JAx

I'm praying for you, Tex.
My heart goes out to you and your husband.
I hope you are feeling better, and please make sure you and your husband have open communication about both of your fears and issues. It can be hard to listen to; trust me, I know. I have had to sit quietly and let my boyfriend tell me what I am doing frustrates him, such as not listening to my doctor or not taking my meds, etc., but it is a huge part of healing for both of you from the trauma you have been through.
Dale and I also go see a therapist once a week, and she has been instrumental in helping us with our own trauma.
Love ya, girl...Hannah