Please excuse the rambling nature of this message but felt I needed to get this off my chest.
So having been told I have pre-diabetes on tuesday, I have been doing a lot of soul searching since then. Since my ileostomy surgery in 2016, I have been complaining for years of tiredness, fatigue and generally feeling 'like a zombie.' My consultant has referred me to a clinical psychologist to see if my mental health is impacting upon my general health and maybe it will help, but I do feel generally 'fobbed off' by him. I don't think he is not addressing the key issue here. Until I see a specialist dietician, I am so confused with how I am going to marry up my diet to suit 'both sides', as I suffer with high output anyway and any fibrous will make this worse.
As you might have read from my previous posts, I do think the loperamide to control output gives me a lot of side effects which is hindering my ability to live a full and active life. When asked if there is any alternatives, the consultant says there are none. None - how is this possible? Loperamide is a simple otc medication that you and i can buy without a prescription, which to me suggests there is something a lot stronger (unfortunately, codeine doesn't count for me as it knocks me out completely). He has failed to give me a reason why food travels through me in literally 5-10 minutes, despite me eating little and often and being careful what i eat.
I simply see no future for me currently. I have been suffering with this problem for 12 years (diagnosed with uc) and it has been a long 12 years where I always held on to a glimmer of hope that things would get better. I never ever wanted to have stoma surgery (I had a jpouch before this which sadly failed) but I have ended up down this horrible path. I have always been positive and outgoing but this has now gone. I was always active but due to tiredness and fatigue, I have had to stop doing the things I love. Working is becoming harder because of this. I have even had to stop singing due to persistent dry mouth, which the consultant doesn't seem bothered about. I have lost friends and relationships because of this, I am truly lonely and only have my parents for support. But I even feel that they are getting tired and fed up of seeing me like this, especially as my brother is living a full and productive life. He has two kids and is married and owns his own house. I have none of these things.
If I cannot live the life that I truly want, then I don't see the point of carrying on. I have gotten to 34, but I have felt like I have put my life on hold for twelve years. Life seems to be passing by me, I think of all of the things I should have done by now and this truly upsets me. I think to myself where would I be if I hadn't had any of these problems? Despite all of the positive posts on here, life with a stoma is shit, truly shit. And it is much much worse than I ever thought it would be, or was told it would be. This is no life at all. It has knocked my confidence hugely and made me extremely body conscious. I feel ugly, look completely washed out. Life with ulcerative colitis was actually better, despite the pain. At least I had something which resembled a normal life. The surgery has made things worse, not better. I always think to that moment the morning of my surgery. If I knew what I knew now, then I would turn around and cancel my surgery, no hesitation at all. Maybe I would have been forced down this road with my uc symptoms at some point in the future, but knowing the surgery was my choice makes this all the more harder to accept.
Anyway, again sorry for the rambling nature of this post. I usually take my time with what I write but I had to get this out there to people who understand what it is like.