Every day I check this site. I'm not even sure why I do it anymore. When I check it out, I see, at the very least, two new profiles; on a normal day, there are usually about five. Mostly from younger people. (Younger to me is under the age of 45.) I have spoken to four young men on here; two I have become friends with. They are paid members. When a new girl registers near their age, they message to offer conversation and to possibly get to know each other; but always for friendship and to lend a helping hand if needed. Now, I can't say exactly what is said in those conversations, but I know how they speak to me. I have never heard anything out of the way or disrespectful. I am hoping, unlike the gentlemen that contact me, they are reading the young ladies' profiles to make sure they might be compatible. (For instance: I have gotten a few interested messages from men that are, quite obviously, very religious. That's fine. No problem if that keeps them going. I am happy for them. But if they read my profile before contacting me, it would save me the uneasy task of having to turn them down or, more than likely, send them a sarcastic reply because I know they did not read my profile. It would also save them the time it took to type the message to me because they'd see we are not compatible.) This site is not the only one where men seem to look at pictures, make a mental note of "not too bad," and go for it. But it really is necessary to read the profiles. Mine isn't too detailed, but it's enough for a guy to get the drift of what I like and don't like.
The reason for this blog is that I keep seeing new profiles saying... I've tried other sites with some luck, or I'm tired of normal people running away, or whatever reason you decided to register here because of the relationship aspect. Now, unless these guys are doing what I mentioned above, contacting you without reading your profiles, I don't understand why you do not reply. I don't understand what you are looking for. They are here for the same reason you say you are here: to find someone to love who understands this bag thing and the diseases that make it necessary without having to worry about explaining. Granted, there are a few asses that are only here for sex because they feel we women have such low self-esteem we are willing to jump at the first bite. But honestly, you should have learned in high school how to tell the sincere guys from the cads. I'm also going to say this: coming here does not guarantee a damn thing. It's just like any other dating site. People look at each other's photos or profiles and never contact one another. Or they look at the pictures and say they want to meet without getting to know each other. Or they are one of the asses referred to previously. Or they are scam artists.
I didn't join this site for a relationship. After a few months, I changed my profile and added relationship to the list. One man I started talking with was very promising, but issues seemed to bother him near the end that I didn't understand. Because I clearly stated in my profile one of the things I do, have done for many years, that seemed to bother him the most. So, if that was going to be an issue, why did he contact me in the first place? Another contacted me and wanted to meet right away. Against my better judgment, I gave in after conferring with my best friend on the matter. It was a nice afternoon. But in retrospect, from the way things progressed in the few days after and going over the date in my mind and with my younger men friends, it is clear he was looking for something I will not give simply because they show an interest in me and rub their hand on my back—or whatever thing they think is sending a message I will ignore. He contacted me on here a few weeks ago under another profile. I asked him why he had two... he has not replied. I got quite a few winks and a few puzzling messages shortly after I replied to a topic about oral sex. I was referring to something entirely different in my reply, and once I made it clear what I was talking about, the winks and messages stopped. I laughed about that. But the first situation and the second disheartened me about this site. After all of this, I have taken relationship off my list. I have too many other things to deal with on a daily basis than to play mind games with people I meet on the internet.
If you're truly here to find a partner to live your life with, then answer these guys. If it's obvious they didn't read your profile, tell them so. If after a few conversations you just aren't interested, tell them this too and tell them why. It's a lot better than slinking off and ignoring them or blocking them or just disappearing. If you're looking for someone to take care of you (and I don't mean in a mutual relationship), then be truthful and don't say things that lead one to believe you are looking for a true relationship. Trust me, there are men on here that are only looking for a girl just like you. Honesty really is the best policy. I was on a site where a guy said he only wanted fit, young, energetic women to contact him. I thought... what an ass... but then I realized, at least he's an honest ass.
I don't want to hear from anyone that maybe they don't reply because they don't know how or maybe they are too shy. If you are under the age of 45 and have not been living under a rock, you know how things work online, and if you don't, in the first few days, you will figure it out quickly. This site isn't that complicated. It may be confusing, but it's not that complicated. Also, if they know how to read the messages, they know how to reply... there's a big REPLY button with each message. If I remember correctly, there are two—one at the top and one at the bottom. As for being shy, why come on any dating site at all if you're going to be too shy to reply? (I am only talking about the ones that clearly state they are here for a relationship, not the people that are looking for help and answers.) Can't even think of one good reason why an extremely shy person would think: yeah, I'm going to go on a site where there's a possibility of hundreds of people contacting me to try and find a partner, but I won't answer them. Not logical. Or why even say you are looking for friends if you can't talk to them? How's that work?
There was a guy on here; I don't know if he still is, but he creeped me out. Every picture of a pretty woman he would put—you're pretty, I'd like to chat with you. Stalker material in my eyes—made me shiver after I read it under so many women's pics. But maybe he had the right idea. Isn't there some kind of saying about playing the numbers? I suppose if you put it out there to 100 people, at least one is going to answer.
Here's my suggestion. Because without the internet, we'd all be dealing with life in our own little bubble with the people that come into contact with us within a certain circumference. Would we all just give up and wait to die if the internet didn't exist? Find a dating site that offers meet-and-greets in your area on a fairly regular basis. POF is a good one that I know of. Put your profile on there and watch for the emails for these meetings. Or, as I believe, PB pointed out to someone a while back—join a club that interests you or even one you're not sure of—you never know what may happen, and you'd learn something new in the process. As for here, use that advanced dating search feature and put in your criteria—check them all out and message the ones that look compatible to you. Another suggestion I have for this site is to try to post on a regular basis. Even if it's just to say, yeah, I understand. I think I've gotten a lot more messages and made some friends because of the fact I post pretty regularly. People get to know me that way without actually making a commitment to a friendship or relationship right off the bat. I'm guilty of checking out all posts of people that interest me or the people that are interested in me.
As for the ever-present question of when to tell someone (if they don't already have one of their own): do you tell every date you go out with all your deep, dark secrets on the first or second date, or do you wait to see if there is going to be a relationship before letting out things you aren't sure will be met with enthusiasm? There are more things we hide from hopefuls at first than just the fact we have health issues. If you are only looking to get laid, then you should tell before you even make the date. Also, please note, there is a difference between dating and relationships. Dates are what you go on to find out if you want to have a relationship with someone. Some people think dates are now what you go on when you are horny. I make sure I put in my profile what I am and am not looking for. What I forget to do sometimes, but not often, is make sure my profile was read. Nine times out of ten, once I ask if they actually read my whole profile, I never hear from them again.
Yep, this was very long. But it's my blog. I'm allowed. This site is great for advice and information and even making friends. Nothing wrong with making a new friend in life. But it's not that great for cultivating romantic relationships, especially if no one talks to anyone. I have only heard of a couple of instances this happened, and I'm not even sure if they are still together.
Mainly, this site is not a guarantee for us ostomates to find someone to share our life with. It's just like any other site in that respect. Maybe worse, because most other sites send you potential matches for you to contact if you want.
Blimey, that was a good eye test for my new glasses reading that, well put as always. I've not been on here for a while, but I'm always glad when I am.
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Hubz had a regular checkup with the oncologist on Friday (his numbers are improving), and as they were asking how he's feeling since surgery, they became curious about how he's doing so well with his ostomy, both physically and mentally. He credited doing research online, trying different things, and especially the support from this group. They were asking because they see so many patients struggling to adjust.
We described this group as folks with every kind of ostomy, some for days while others for decades, but all willing to share what's worked for them with the caveat that every individual is different.
We described the most valuable element as feeling like you're not alone in this. That really piqued their interest, and they wrote down the link. It seems they had a few people in mind that might benefit from the community and thanked us for telling them about it.
You know, we can't remember exactly who we learned about this group from, but we're grateful for it every day! Thank you all! 🌻
That was so very interesting to me! I am really glad I read that. Damn. Thanks again! I think I am not going to check this site as much as I have been, especially since I am so new to this. Actually, a lot of what I've read makes me wonder.
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Hey Blue, it's been a while. When I don't see someone on here too much, I hope it's because life has gotten more interesting and not that they are back in the clutches of physicians. Great to hear from you. Hugs
Hi Lesley, I am glad you found this interesting, but I didn't mean to chase you away. I'm curious why you aren't going to check this site as much and what you are wondering about. It's one of those times I'd like paid membership so I can private message you to chat. There are a lot of good, caring, friendly people here. I am not taking away from them. This is simply my take on a situation that is adding angst to some wonderful people's already angst-filled lives. People come here with hope-filled hearts because their search engine pops up with a site that boasts it's specifically designed for dating for ostomates. It's false hope, in my opinion. Others feel it's false advertising in order to make money off of lonely, depressed people (much like the romance scams that have exploded over the internet). If the creators of this site truly wanted to help ostomates connect, they should have set it up for donations to help maintain it. I won't pay for membership. It's not a true dating site. It doesn't work behind the scenes to match you with anyone. It merely has some advanced search options from which you choose. Some here have to work very hard to keep it together on a daily basis. All this site seems to accomplish, the majority of the time (I know there have been some exceptions), for those that are here looking for a relationship, is to put another crack in armor that is already fragile.
Avoiding Ostomy Bag Leaking | Managing Ostomy Leaks with LeeAnne Hayden
I actually didn't join this site because of all the nightmare situations I've gone through, as I gather most people on this site know! But also, the Ostomates made me think the last thing I need is a relationship—I took the mates the wrong way. The only reason I may slow down a bit on getting on the site is I've read so much, and I have to just kind of take it all in. As we all know, some people can be very unkind, but I am going to keep coming back because I need to get back to a life.
Hello everyone. I am new again to this site. I joined, and then life got in the way. Long story; I'll maybe get into it later on. I guess I don't understand why people don't answer their messages. This site should have a deactivation for people if they don't respond or sign on in, say, 30 days. I am already tired of all the people who say they want to talk and never do.
Generally, people on this site are very friendly. I am sorry no one has taken the time to respond back to you. If there is any question that you want answered, I am on this site often if you need to talk to someone.
Lots of members here either fail to check their inbox or don't know how. You can always go to your sent messages and see if they've been read. I strongly suspect that a lot of messages just never get read.
Ahh Zywie, life is getting better by the hour here. When I get a chance, I'll drop you a line. Hope you are well.
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I would like to comment on this long message, but I would like to digest it first. However, it's kind of difficult on my smartphone. I am traveling on business at the moment, but I will get back to the novel writer tomorrow if that is okay. Bye for now. Sincerely, Tom
I finally found some time to read your New York Times bestseller. The only thing I will say is that I find you to be a good writer. I found your message valuable. On a side note, I was once agnostic but have found a warm feeling believing in Jesus. Everyone should believe in something, right? I'm just glad you're not an atheist. A good friend told me once, if you don't believe in God and there isn't a God, then you did not lose anything. On the other hand, if you don't believe in God and He exists, you're in trouble. Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts on this site, and I too am not a paying member. I'm between 18 and 100, lol, and share your medical issues, which we have in common. Take care, Zywie (is Zywie your name?). Sincerely, Tom.
Thank you, Tom, for the compliment. Though I didn't write this to get them, I was, and still am a bit frustrated over the things I mentioned in this blog. I hoped that, perhaps, some of the members who were looking for a relationship might benefit from some of my suggestions and not put so much hope in this site to find a potential mate. Too many people seemed to be getting more depressed after joining this place (if they joined in anticipation of finding a partner). And I just needed to let off steam at the time.
I am happy you found something that made living this life better for you. I am also happy you actually read my profile. :) However, I did not say I was an Agnostic; I am a Christian Agnostic. There is a difference. (If you would like to know that difference, our wonderful world of the Internet has many sites of enlightenment to share.) I have always tried to live by the Ten Commandments and the Golden Rule. I have read my Bible (yes, I have had one since I was 8; my grandmother was my Sunday school teacher from the time I was old enough to walk) from front to back several times over the span of my life. Reading that Bible is what started me questioning many things. I can't help but add: if we weren't supposed to think and question or have free will, why did He build us this way? (That question is rhetorical.) I don't publicly state my beliefs. I only discuss them with someone on rare occasions because I found it makes the majority of people uncomfortable to hear anything that does not confirm their own beliefs. But since you put it out there, that is the reason for this reply. I put that bit of information in my profile for gentlemen who were interested. There was no reason for one to pursue a relationship with me if religion was a big part of his life, same as if he had animals he lived with or exercised every day of the week, or wanted marriage, kids, etc., and were looking for a comparable partner.
My last statement on this subject is this: Though some people need it, I have a real problem with blind faith, unless you are talking about the band. They were awesome, and it is sad they only put out one album. :( No, Zywie is not my real name. It is the name I use for my characters in the games I play. I have adopted it as my name for any sites or forums I belong to also. I always play healers. Zywie was the goddess of health and healing in Slavic mythology. I do not give out my real name anywhere on the Internet. I get as personal as I have to in profiles when necessary. I don't even like to put my picture online. But I have conceded to that fear in certain places.
I thank you for your concern for me that you felt compelled to share your feelings about Jesus. But just as you are content since you found that warm feeling, I am content in my beliefs. Have fun, but be careful. :) Z
Zywie - I had a chance to read your blog and your profile (a couple of times), and we are in sync with many of our outlooks. I also agree with your site analysis; too many misunderstand the functionality. Yes, I am married, but it is not as if I am asking you to run away to the Cayman Islands. You seem to have a good handle on things and some valuable perspectives... there is always more to learn. My profile is brief by choice, as it helps to reduce the unwanted 'hits' you referred to, but still gives, I hope, enough information to stimulate a conversation. Best, Bryce
Hey Bryce, I haven't been attending this site like I used to for various reasons. I will probably start checking it out a bit more often. If we're on at the same time, perhaps we can chat in General Chat? Yes, you are right; I learn something every day. Take care. Z
P.S. Bryce, I said it freaks me out when they are looking for relationships, not friends.)
Zywie - I look forward to catching up with you in General Chat. All the best, Bryce
Ahh Zywie, I was getting worried about you. I'm glad you're still up and kicking. I hope it wasn't me who wronged you.
Hey Blue! Nope, there is nothing you did ever! Just started doing other things and moved over the last few weeks. Still in the process. Hugs!